'My dad’s mistress reached out to me 2 years after I cut contact with him and dropped a bombshell.' UPDATED
"My (24F) dad’s (56M) mistress reached out to me after I stopped talking to him 2 years ago."
Here's the original post:
2 years ago, my family and I found out that my dad was cheating on my mom and had a mistress. My mom was absolutely devastated and took it extremely hard since they had been together for over 2 decades. The fact that his mistress was also a decade younger than her probably made her feel worse.
They ended up getting divorced and throughout the process, my dad continued to see his mistress. They actually live together now in a new house that my dad moved into after his cheating came to light. I know it was my mom that he cheated on, but I also felt very betrayed by him and the fact that he went on to stay and live with the person he cheated with makes me feel like he has no remorse.
I have not spoken nor seen my dad since he moved out. He has tried to reach out to me but I haven’t returned the favor. I know it’s better to forgive, but I just can’t look or think about him without feeling disgusted and upset. I know he’s my dad but I just can’t. Yesterday, I got a message on Facebook from his mistress. I couldn’t believe it was her I actually stopped in the middle of the street.
She wrote a long message basically saying that my dad was very sad over how our relationship had become and that he misses me terribly, especially now that the holiday season has arrived. She wrote that he had told her about how close him and I were when I was younger. She said that he would love it it if I would try reach out to him or even visit him sometime soon.
My dad and I did have a great bond growing up and I miss that, but I don’t know. One moment I’m thinking whether I’m being unreasonable and dragging this on for too long since it’s been 2 years now. I have to move on at some point right? But even if I do meet him, I don’t think I’d be able to look him in the eye or even be able to have a conversation without it being awkward.
I just don’t have any respect for him and I know that must sound awful since I’m his daughter. My closest friend told me that life is too short and that at the end of the day he is my father. Should I try to forgive him and reconnect with him?
What do you think? Should she forgive him and try to reconnect? This is what top commenters had to say:
AffectionateBite3827 said:
When you say “move on” do you mean resume contact with him? If this is eating you up and feels more like a punishment to yourself versus the way things shook out, that’s one thing. But if you’re relatively at peace with going NC then that is moving on!
katonymus said:
1.) Yes it is true that you need to move on, but doesn’t mean you need to include your dad into the moving on part. It might take years if you even reach that point. Be on your own timeline.
2.) No matter what you do the relationship will never get back to where it was.
3.) Yes, he is still your dad, but that doesn’t give him a free pass for sh*tty behavior.
4.) Three is a crowd. The mistress involvement has never been required or desired. Guess she never learned that. If you do want to rebuild a relationship with him, you don’t need to have one with the relationship with her. You can make it a condition that you never have to be around her.
kiwiboston1 said:
Haven’t seen my dad in 25 years. It is what it is.
GavIzz said:
He knew what he was losing and he did that to your mom, this is what happens, consequences. Do what it feels right but you don’t have an obligation to forgive him.
She later shared this update:
First of all, thank you to everyone for the great advices! I apologize for not being able to respond to everyone, i posted it during my break at work and ended up taking a second shift right after my first one so I did not come on here until much later.
I ended up contacting my dad. I called him and told him about the message I received from his mistress. He said he didn’t know she sent those messages, but that it is true that he deeply misses me. He asked if we could meet and I told him that we could go for coffee which he agreed to.
When we ended up meeting it was very awkward and tense. We exchanged a stiff hug before sitting down. He began to ask how I’d been and so, and the first 30 min went alright. But of course the universe just has to be one big cosmic joke because why else would his freaking mistress show up to the café out of nowhere?
According to her, she just “happened to be nearby” and saw us through the window and decided to say “hello”. I honestly could not comprehend what was happening. It was one of those situations where something is so crazy and unexpected you actually can not believe it is happening to you.
My dad seemed "surprised" but in a good way. He was smiling and talked to her all normal in front of me when it was just supposed to be him and I. I froze and felt like I couldn't think of anything. I’m one of those people who react after something happens instead of during the moment, so I ended up just sitting there in silence when she took a seat next to him.
My dad tried to continue the conversation but it just got so awkward and quiet that we kind of silently agreed to end our coffee meeting. He tried giving me a hug as we were leaving but I just power-walked away from the after giving saying a quick "bye". I was honestly still shocked when I got home, but that quickly turned into anger.
I do not believe that bogus story of hers and the fact that she thought she could sell it to me makes me feel very insulted. I do not know if she just followed him there or if my dad was in on it but either way, I am extremely disappointed in how he handled it. This was the first time we'd seen each other in two years, why would he not want it to just be him and I?
I wrote him a long message saying how disrespected I felt by the entire situation and it felt like a set up. I told him that if he really cared about our relationship, he shouldn’t have allowed his mistress to sit down and try to be part of what could have been the first step in rebuilding our relationship.
I finished the message by saying that I do not want him to contact me again as long as his mistress is in the picture. That might seem very extreme or unfair, but that's honestly how I feel. Anyway, thank you all for the great advice and thank you to those who shared their stories with me! I greatly appreciate it all.