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"My daughter is a financial burden, AITA for telling her she needs to get divorced to live with me?"

"My daughter is a financial burden, AITA for telling her she needs to get divorced to live with me?"

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AITA for telling my daughter she has to get divorced if she wants to live with us?

doubleftheduke writes:

Rough time in our household. We just had to draw a line with our daughter that if she wants to keep living here, she needs to get a divorce. Normally, this would be gross overstepping and doesn't even align with my values, but it has to happen.

My daughter and her husband got married just out of college. Not long after, my daughter's epilepsy came back, and her husband's father fell into dire straits due to costs with his divorce and his mother's care.

My daughter lost the ability to work, and her husband was suddenly responsible for also helping his father and younger siblings have a place to live. This, and her medical costs, quickly drained their small savings to the point that they couldn't keep up their apartment, so she moved back in with us, "temporarily." That was 2 years ago.

Despite having a nursing degree, she can't actually work in that field because it isn't safe anymore. She can work part-time now, but the jobs she can safely do don't pay enough.

He has a full-time job, but between student loans and paying the entire rent at his father's townhouse, he can't help out, which means all her expenses are on us, including the cost of her insurance and all her medical costs that insurance doesn't cover.

We just can't do this anymore. We need to get our younger two through college, and we need to start saving much more for retirement if we ever hope to get there. My husband is incredibly lucky to have a pension, but I don't.

We are in no way the parents who kick our kids out at 18, but we can't sustain this. We've looked into benefits for a while now. She wouldn't qualify for full disability medically, but Medicare would be amazing, especially as she turns 26 next year.

Even EBT would do a lot. The problem is this: as a married woman, my daughter's "income" is too high for Medicare or EBT. If she was single, she would be eligible for both.

Of course, it's devastating. Of course, I don't blame them for what's happening. I completely understand that he wasn't willing to watch his father and young siblings be out on the street, and realistically he couldn't have kept them afloat if he'd refused to help anyway. But something has to give.

Obviously, she's fighting us on this. She's been angry for days about how we're "going against our values" and destroying her happiness. All true, but unfortunately, this has to happen. This would save us all thousands of dollars a year, money we all need.

She's trying to get sympathy from our family, who are trying to make us reconsider, but we've done the math and gotten as much advice as we can. This is the only option, but AITA for forcing it with an ultimatum?

OP responded to some comments:

digoldbuck writes:

NTA (Not the A%^hole). Give her as much sympathy as you can, as this is a truly horrific situation. Hopefully they can remarry later. Let her know that marriage ending doesn’t have to end the relationship, and reassure her that you care about her husband and this is purely a financial necessity for both of them.

Consider offering to speak with the husband directly so she doesn’t have to be the one to bring up divorce with him. She’s got a lot on her plate, and adding a conversation with her husband where she’s the go-between with him and you? It’s a rough position to be in.

OP responded:

We've had conversations with everyone individually and together (aside from the kids). We all know the situation and how bad it's getting. I know the arguments we've had about some of their behavior are making this seem even worse, but this is completely unrelated.

I realize that nobody is living the life they want, but unfortunately you don't get to clear out the family room to have private time in a house with kids, and it's not really chill to have sleepovers all the time either.

mban4 says:

What a horribly difficult situation for all of you - I am so sorry. The US healthcare system is a tragedy. That said, you have supported your daughter quite selflessly over many years and now have been pushed to make a terrible decision because of financial causes.

You do need to think about your two younger children and their future. And you absolutely need to save for retirement. NTA.

OP responded:

That's the core issue. I know she thinks at least part of this is connected to arguments we've had about some of their behavior, but it's not. That can be a problem, but it's a completely different issue to the ongoing, well, financial cost of all of this.

Some_Range_9037 says:

Was she able to acquire any bedside experience as RN? Does she have a BSN? If she has 1-2 years experience, she could qualify for a desk job in nursing that might provide insurance. Things like case review for insurance, nursing management.

NTA You are all in a tough position. I also think that if you persuade them to go the divorce route for benefits, So-IL might have to have his formal address somewhere other than your home.

OP responded:

Yes, but she has under a year of experience. She works part time in a nursing home now, but that's fairly recent. There was almost a full year where she couldn't have kept any job, and it hasn't been 6 months seizure free so few places are willing to take the risk.

They don't currently live together. He moved into his father's place when she came back home. Him living here isn't an option (nothing personal, we just don't do that culturally). Her living there wouldn't fix anything. The father-in-law's place is too small for her to even stay overnight.

What do you think? Is it fair for OP to ask their daughter to get divorced?

Sources: Reddit
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