'AITA for thinking my daughter is using me and not wanting to support her anymore?'
"AITA for thinking my daughter is using me and not wanting to support her anymore?"
My ex wife (out of state) sent my daughter to live with me at 15. I have received zero support financially from her although I was legally required to pay child support for years. Now that my daughter is in college her mom still refuses to help pay for her expenses stating, "well you make enough money, and I can't afford it."
fast fwd 2 years into my daughter's college career I learn that my ex wife and my daughter set up a secret bank account with thousands of dollars in it for my daughter to be able to move out of state once she is done with college.
What hurts more is that MY mom was in the know as her and my daughter have a tightknit relationship. My current wife and I have worked overtime non stop to be able to afford her college fees as well as her rent, and any other needs that she has had.
More than anything I am hurt that my daughter and my mom lied to me about this for the last 2 years. My daughter (who makes $20/hr) would always say well I'm broke dad, I need this and my mom won't get it or my mom can't pay for it.
Has she been using me and my current wife this whole time just for money? AITAH for not wanting to support her anymore?! I'm at a loss and not sure on how to go forward.
EDIT from OP:
there is more to the story but I tried to explain as best as possible. Daughter is now 20. This is not a CD OR Custodial account. We learned that she had MORE than 5k saved as we paid for her to hire a lawyer on a different matter when she told us she was broke.
Daughter admitted to "hiding" money. Ex wife and I have been split since she was a toddler. My daughter has always pinned me and my ex against each other to get her way. I have been present in her life always and have tried to maintain a good relationship.
I told my daughter we would support her and just asked that she contribute what she could towards her groceries, internet and her gas, if she couldn’t cover something because she wasn’t working g enough we’d cover.
I have always been present in her life and have tried to maintain a good relationship with my daughter. I have paid child support and never missed a payment.. I have been there on countless occasions /emergency situations. I have built her custom closet, got her a car, helped her move in and out for dorms and apartments. The list goes on.
I have had a good relationship with my mom until now. Even though my current wife and I are financially stable we asked that my daughter contribute anything that she can to help to help her become self sufficient and not just rely on others for financial needs.
Here's what people have to say to OP:
I'm very confused why she, your ex, and your mom have been creating a plan for her to move out of state. There's info missing here.
UpbeatOne1977 OP responded:
Those are just my daughter’s wishes after college, which we respect and told her we’d support her when the time to it. Which is why all of this was a big shock and very hurtful
Have you sat your daughter down and spoken about this, how it makes you feel and asked why she agreed to do this?
UpbeatOne1977 OP replied:
Yes I did, she stormed out and left and said she was now prepared to go through college without my help .
You got your answer right there.
Yeah these responses are wild. WTH, she’s in college and is saving for her future, where is the crime? This has to be fake, no way a father is this emotionally immature but then every comment is like “cut her off!!”
YTA for not having a simple conversation with your daughter and also apparently not building any emotional relationship with her. The least you can do is help her get her education and set her up to step into her adult life.
UpbeatOne1977 OP replied:
Her tuition and apartment are fully covered by us. We asked that since she is working she pay her insurance and groceries so she can learn to manage her finances and have responsibilities…She blatantly lies to us about having any money. It’s more about her lying than anything else..
My opinion? Cut her off for lying to you. I suppose a dad should do everything he can for his offspring, but this would be a lesson. Your daughter was taught to manipulate men. Who knows if the money her mother was sending her was not from some other man your Ex was manipulating.
UpbeatOne1977 OP responded:
It’s possible she’s on her 4th divorce..she did the same to me when we got divorced. Cleaned me out and left me in debt.
You should definitely cut her off. Especially since she thinks she's good to go now. Honestly your own mother doing that is disrespectful. I think a sit down with Mom is necessary.
UpbeatOne1977 OP responded:
Mom doesn’t understand and says since we make enough money we should just pay up and let her do S she wishes with any other financial support she receives from her mom or from grandma.