I (43F) have a 19 year-old daughter. She graduated high school at 17, took a year off from college and is works at Starbucks. This semester she finally has started taking some classes at the local community college. After she graduated HS she moved in with my mom. Great for everyone as my mom is a widow and my daughter and I needed space.
So, here’s the predicament, annually we do a secret Santa, we each pick one person we have a spending limit generally between $150 and $250 but every year, because my daughter has been a minor and without a job, we always just got gifts for her and then did the secret Santa with just the adults.
Last year was the first year she was an adult, and we all still got her gifts! This year I feel that she should participate in the secret Santa. Will I be the a-hole if I insist that she should participate instead of getting individual gifts from each family member? My reasoning, my daughter only started paying my mom rent about four months ago, and she only pays $400 a month for rent.
She is not saving her money that she has earned from Starbucks… Instead she does things like buy DoorDash almost daily, purchases things off of fast fashion sites and buys a pretty substantial amount of recreational fun. I love her, and I have been trying to teach her how to budget, and save; but while you can lead a horse to water you can’t make them drink.
She has plenty of money and spends it on herself regularly, and if she wants gifts she should participate in the gift exchange. I am supplementing her income by paying an additional $400 rent to my mom for living expenses; (for a total of $800 a month including utilities and food) the bills she is supposed to be paying are either paid late or only partial payment. I had no intention of NOT getting her a Christmas gift.
Note: I believe if you have enough income for frivolous spending on DoorDash and fun, then yes I believe she should be contributing more but that is a conversation for her and my mom who set the price of her rent. I think spending on those things in moderation is fine, but if you allow it to take over your responsibilities then we have a problem.
quincebush said:
YTA. How very transactional. I can appreciate why you and your daughter needed "space."
MediocreWonder3929 said:
YTA. Forcing her to do secret Santa with a budget between $150-250 isn’t what is going to teach her financial responsibility nor is OP obvious dissatisfaction with her daughter’s choices. OP says daughter moving in with her mom was “great for everyone as my mom is a widow…” So does the daughter provide companionship or assistance with the mother?
LiveKindly01 said:
Soft YTA. There is some middle ground here. Your daughter may be an "adult" but she's still taking classes so I'm sure not working full-time and can less afford $150-250 for "a" gift. I personally can't imagine not buying my adult children gifts, plural, at Christmas. To me, you join the "adult" gift exchange when you're married/have kids of your own, or at least a full-time job.
I do think though that other family members don't need to buy for her anymore...you can just but some gifts you know she'd love, and she can buy for you, her grandma, whatever she usually does.
She's a student, paying rent, she could use some fun at Christmas, maybe your gifts could be more utilitarian, like gas cards, grocery cards, a session with a resume-writer to help her out, stuff like that.
gyrekat said:
YTA, so petty about your own child.
Shakeit126 said:
YTA. She's got a job and is young. She'll hopefully eventually start saving for her future. I think $150-$200 is way too much for a Christmas gift, especially for someone still in college with a part-time job.
Maybe since she's a young adult, others may still like getting her gifts. I don't see why make a thing about this unless other relatives have complained. I'm not sure if you have jealousy towards your daughter or what but it's not a great look.
Eternalthursday1976 said:
Yta. That is a crazy high secret santa. Your whole post is so incredibly judgemental of her like she's a 30 year old troll living in the basement.