'AITA for how I responded to my ex and his affair partner about her infertility?'

"AITA for how I responded to my ex and his affair partner about her infertility?"

ThrowAITAHAra writes:

My ex-husband (40m) cheated on me (34f) with a co-worker (36f), otherwise known as his affair partner. I found out about the affair three years after it started. At the time my husband and I had three very young children together.

I kicked him out and filed for divorce. He moved in with his affair partner. They fought for full or primary custody of the children in the divorce, using the two parent household as an excuse. They lost. Custody is shared and parenting time is 50-50. He married her before the ink was dry on our divorce papers.

Things were, and on my end still are, very hostile. She did not like that I wished for him to treat her the way he treated me. He did not like that I told his family I got tested for infections after learning about his affair. The only reason I told his family is that they wanted to know why I could not be friends for the kids' sake.

I told them it was because before the affair partner, there was another co-worker I now suspect he also had an inappropriate relationship with or wanted to, and because of those two situations I wanted to be sure he had not put my health at risk. My ex told me it was petty and wrong to say that when he had one affair only and it was with one woman for three years.

My ex and I use a co-parenting app for communication and I ignore calls and texts. The times this gets tricky are face to face. I need to keep up some kind of civility if my kids might see us together, which is more difficult than some would believe. But I love my kids more than I dislike him.

Our kids are all school aged now and doing okay. They prefer my house and have a hard time being at their dad's house some weeks. I have them seeing a therapist to help them process, but I know none of this is ideal. My ex and his affair partner were warned about pressuring the kids to call her mom or a similar title, which they were doing for a while, and this was backed up by the therapist.

The kids do not like the affair partner and I celebrate that in my head every single day. You will never hear me say I am sad they do not feel like they have two mothers when she is supposed to be the second mother. I find it upsetting that she thought she could knowingly help damage their parents' marriage and then try to take on a parental role with them.

I do not share any of these feelings with my kids. But the kids know there are issues between mom and dad. They also have some understanding that their dad cheated. This was not something I told them but something that came from how poorly he tried to explain things when they asked questions. He does not believe in therapy so there was no professional support to help him.

Around Halloween, my ex and the affair partner approached me at the school’s Halloween event. My ex told me we needed to speak and I told them unless it was about the kids we did not. In a quieter moment they caught me alone and told me that the affair partner is infertile and cannot have biological children, and that they have been trying for years.

They told me it would mean so much if I would let go of my dislike for them and be more kind to her and encouraging of her bonding with the kids so that she does not feel like an outsider forever.

He told me her infertility was painful and she loves our kids, and that I have successfully stopped them from bonding with her. He said that as someone who always wanted to be a mom and got to be, I should be compassionate.

I asked them why they were telling me personal and private information that had nothing to do with me. My ex went from calm and pleading to upset in seconds. He told me that was an unacceptable reaction and that at the very least I could have offered her my sympathies as his co-parent and the kids' third parent.

I walked away because I did not want to discuss it or argue in case someone, especially our kids, heard. He then texted me several times that night asking where I get my supposed insensitivity from. He also tried to bring it up at a meeting the two of us had with the school about one of our children, who was not present.

I am ignoring him, but he is still angry, and I had to send the texts to my attorney for documentation. I expected this to have blown over by now and clearly it has not. For that reason alone I wanted to check what other people thought of my response. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Substantial_Fun5434 says:

NTA. You owed them nothing. They cheated for years, blew up your marriage, tried to take your kids, pressured your kids to call her mom, and now they want emotional support and sympathy because they’re struggling to have a baby together.

That’s not your job. You kept it calm, you didn’t fight in public, and you didn’t drag the kids into it. He’s mad because he expected you to comfort the woman who helped destroy your family. You don’t have to help them feel better about their choices.

Pretty_Pyxy says:

NTA. They both knew there would be consequences to having an affair. Sounds like karma just got them and they don’t like it.

Puzzleheaded-Cup-854 says:

NTA. Its almost comical. He wants you to sympathize with his wants. I know you would prefer to have the kids 100% of the time and child support from him. He only cares about sympathy when it works in his favor.

OP responded:

I think my kids would be better off with me but I'm realistic that he would need to majorly screw up for that to happen and I can't wish that for their sakes. I just hope he does better by them.

What do you think?