'AITA for using my ex's new wife's words against her after 20 years of waiting?'
"AITA for telling my ex and his wife what they always told me?"
Friendly_Curve_9203 writes:
My ex and I broke up 20 years ago when our kids were 3 and 1. Our reason was that he made a financially reckless decision, buying a very fancy car that we could not afford. He took out debt to buy it, which put the financial security of our family at risk without telling me.
Then he blew up at me for not supporting his decision and for wanting him to sell it and pay off the money he borrowed to get it. He told me a real wife would've supported him, and "f^#@ me" for wanting to take away something so special.
After our divorce, he had to sell the car anyway, and he blamed me for it. He was nasty to me in every conversation after that, as long as our kids weren't present. He remarried about two years after our divorce. He and his wife told me she was the kids' new mom and that she would be just as important, if not more so, than me.
More than once, they told me I was nobody special or important and that the kids would have a much better relationship with the new wife. I had to bite my tongue around the kids whenever my ex's wife would be all over them. I hated the two of them.
This stuff was never said or done in front of our kids. I would walk away, but they carried on speaking and would approach me anywhere at any time, as long as the kids weren't there, to try and claim that I was going to lose my kids to them.
The kids ended up hating her and their dad after a while, though, and I was never very sad about that. I think they were always going to have to dislike or pull away from me or him, because my ex and his wife would never have accepted both. They always believed she would come out on top over me and would be the favorite mom, and that I would be called my kids' birth mother.
When the kids were in their mid-teens, they asked a judge to let them live with me full time, and that was granted. They had calls and some non-overnight visitation with their dad that they hated. Now both of them are in college and in their 20s, and they have been no contact with both of them for a couple of years now.
I was recently at the opening of a new restaurant in town when my ex and his wife confronted me over the state of their relationship with the kids. Before they could get too nasty with me again, I smiled and told them that it was not my fault they destroyed their relationship with the kids, and they were wrong about the outcome.
Then I decided to be a little petty, and I gloated that I guess she was the one who was nobody special or important after all, because the kids certainly never called her their mom. I know what I said was petty and that it was rubbing it in. Maybe it makes me as bad as them. Or maybe not. But it felt good after years of putting up with so much from them. Does it make me TA?
OP responded to some comments in the post.
Special_Respond7372 says:
NTA. You did the right thing by not engaging as the kids grew up. That’s probably a part of why you have the relationship with them and their dad doesn’t. Kids hear and learn a lot from what is said and what isn’t. Now that they’re adults you can speak your mind. In this case, all you said was the truth. If they don’t like it, they’ll have to learn to deal with it.
OP responded:
It was difficult and I understand why some parents slip or can't do it. My biggest concern was how much it would impact my kids and it kept me going even when I wanted to scream at the two of them.
mjc-u7272 says:
NTA, you bit you tongue for 20 years. While they took every cheap shot they could. You had every right to throw it back in their faces. They deserve a lot worse. Plus, kids can be very observant.
I guarantee they knew something was off with their father/new wife and the animosity they had towards you. This probably added to the resentment and subsequent NC they both have with their father and her. Hope, you were able to rebuild a happy life for yourself.
OP responded:
They did. At his house I would be brought up although never directly in front of my kids. My kids still heard it because kids will listen in. I did. This isn't the life I expected but it's no less fulfilling.