'My ex is engaged to my sister’s in-law. We reconnected at a wedding, she wants to call off her engagement.'

"AITA? My (30M) ex (30F) is engaged to my sister’s in-law. We reconnected at a wedding last weekend and she wants to call off her engagement for me."

Last Saturday was my sister’s wedding, and my ex was there because she’s engaged to a guy in the groom's family. To give you some background, we were high school sweethearts each other's first everything.

We broke up, reconnected at 19 for a couple months, and then got back together seriously when we were 23 after she survived a very hard car crash. Her then-boyfriend broke up with her a few weeks after she was hospitalised.

I spent over a year visiting her in the hospital and helping her through recovery after. We eventually split again when I was at 27 because I wasn't happy with how the relationship was going Last weekend, after the banquet, we ended up bumping into each other a few times. Around midnight, I was out in the garden having a smoke and she joined me with drinks, the stuff we used to drink back in the day.

We sat there for ages just catching up. Later on, we went back out and the conversation got deeper and she opened up about her fiancé, saying he proposed over a year and a half ago but they’ve made zero progress since then. She feels like "a piece of furniture" in his life while he just focuses on partying and traveling.

She told me pointblank that she never felt truly cared for by anyone else the way she did with me. And honestly, I feel the same. I've dated around this past year but I haven't felt the same with anyone else so far The tension peaked when she asked if I’d give "us" another shot if she called off her engagement.

I loved her with all my heart and even if we dont get back together, it makes me sad to see her like this. She's a brilliant person that had a difficult life. Instinctively, I just wanted to hug her and kisser but I tried to act grown up and I told her she needs to sort out her life first because I’m not interested in being a rebound or a "side guy."

I admitted I still have feelings for her, but I'm also terrified because we’ve already failed twice before and she understands but says she believes in us She texted me the next morning saying she meant every word. No booze, no nostalgia, just facts. She wants to talk again and says she's going to "get her life together."

My mom (who has known her since we were kids) thinks I should just go for it and talk to her, engagement or not. But I'm worried I'm being a complete douche by even entertaining this. I don't want to break a future marriage, or get people hurt because of me. AITA for considering it? Will I ruin her life?

TL;DR: Met my long-term ex at my sister's wedding. She's engaged but unhappy and wants to leave her fiancé to try again with me. I still love her but Idk what to do.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Mansegate wrote:

YTA if you moved before she has things sorted for herself. But if I were you, I would wonder what she would have done if she hadn't run into you. Would she have drifted on, and not taken decisive action?

Because if that's the sort of person she is, are you going to find yourself in 3 or 4 years time just where you were at 27? I'd examine very carefully what went wrong at 27 and what has really happened since then to change the underlying situation.

ThrowRABrandon OP responded:

She said she has been trying to make him understand she's unhappy with the stagnation they're in since the engagement and also with the lifestyle he has. According to her, it's been like six months since he said he'd focus but always finds an excuse to go somewhere with his group of friends or it's someone's birthday, etc.

The guy apparently promised it would end but never does, etc. It sounds like incompatibility of interests and focuses, that's mainly the reason I broke up with her a few years ago. But back then it wasn't partying, it was activism.

United-Loss4914 wrote:

She sounds like somebody who’s always looking for the next best thing. Looks like she has unrealistic expectations. It’s kind of crazy this level of fantasy that she has. If she feels like a piece of furniture and was unhappy in the relationship, why did it take her seeing you before?

She realized that she didn’t need to be in that relationship? And why didn’t she just go ahead and in that relationship before trying to start something with you? I would say this is a very, very bad idea.

CaptainCrabcake wrote:

Well, don’t worry about the other guy, at this point you’d be doing him a service because his fiancee is still in love with you and shouldn’t be with him regardless. Ask yourself though, it didn’t work out all those other times, why now? What has changed? Like I’m sure your and her answer will be “we’re older, wiser, more experienced etc.” but really? What has really changed?

When we remember, we tend to remember the good times and warm feelings. But that wasn’t all there was. And isn’t all there will be. Reality doesn’t care for wishful thinking. You can try to get back together. But it’s a gamble you’re both likely to lose.

Signal-Tiger06 wrote:

YTA if you do anything before she sorts out her life with her current boyfriend.

Own_Eye2543 wrote:

Your instincts are correct. You don't want her to leave fiance for you, you want her to leave him because she doesn't want to marry him. Even though you both may have legitimate feelings for each other, the fact remains - she's been "stuck" for a year and a half, and has done nothing about it, probably because of sunken cost.

Seeing you was her out. "I don't have to be alone, I won't have to go through the early stages of meeting a new guy and seeing if he's for me, etc." This is not to say it can't work. Just, as you said, she needs to utterly sort her life out, extricate herself from him, spend time alone (not reporting everything to you) and then see if you still love the person she is.

ThrowRABrandon OP responded:

Somebody else mentioned something very similar to what you say. So if I may, I think I'll copy the same reply I gave them: She said she has been trying to make him understand she's unhappy with the stagnation they're in since the engagement and also with the lifestyle he has.

According to her, it's been like six months since he said he'd focus but always finds an excuse to go somewhere with his group of friends or it's someone's birthday, etc. The guy apparently promised it would end but never does, etc. It sounds like incompatibility of interests and focuses, that's mainly the reason I broke up with her a few years ago, but back then it wasn't party.

Sea-Jackfruit-6606 wrote:

Your instinct is completely right. She is unhappy in her current relationship and wants you to save her from it. However, she needs to resolve whatever is going on in her relationship; If after that you are both single and decide that you want to give your relationship another shot then by all means go ahead.

However, these are separate things. You're also right that the fact that you broke up twice already, and the last time when you were 27, a time when you'd expect you would both be mature enough to know what you want, does not bode well.

Have any of the reasons you broke up changed? YWBTA to yourself if you let yourself be used. If she doesn't want to marry the man she is engaged to she should break it off and move on. But she shouldn't break it off to move directly into a relationship with you.