'My ex-fiancée ghosted me before our wedding. Fifteen years later, she reached out.' UPDATED

"My (38/F) ex-fiancee ghosted me (39/M) before our wedding. It's been 16 years and now she wants to talk it over again. Should we reopen closed wounds?"

I was never given an explanation. She just left and told nobody. It was literally right before our big wedding ceremony. She didn't leave a note, nothing, just left. Even her family were left baffled. She just up and left. We had dated all through HS and all through College.

She eventually returned but, not too me. I had to learn via third party (her Parents) she had no intentions of coming home. She wanted nothing to do with me and told her Parents to avoid having me around. I never got a choice in the matter. I respected her wishes. I never understood why she did it.

My only guess was she had a mental breakdown because, she cut off all contact with everyone. We were both young and still growing. I don't know but, I've struggled with it since.

Out of the blue she DM's me on Facebook after all these years and wants to meet up. I'm an influx of emotions right now. Angry, nervous, hopeful, sad. I...I still have feelings for her. I don't know if I could take her back. But, looking at her Facebook makes me miss her. She's even better looking then she was before and SINGLE.

I'm conflicted. She won't talk about anything as to why she left. She said it's best to do so in person. The only thing I can tell is from her facebook is a bunch of stuff about her being weak and living a life full of shame and regret and being lonely. This is dumb. She ghosted me and I should wnat nothing to do with her but, damnit i still have feelings for her.. I never stopped thinking about her.

What should I do? Ghost her in return? Call her out? See where this "date" takes us?

tl;dr Ex-fiancé DMed me on Facebook wanting to meet up for a "date". I haven't spoken to her in 15+ years.

This is what people had to say to OP:

BootyCladDad said:

First off, damn OP that’s rough. 16 years is a long time, would meeting up with her set you back in the time you’ve spent getting over this or will it give you the closer you never found?

OP responded:

I don't know. I just want closure. For the longest time I thought she had cheated on me. But, the only things i've been told from her Family and the few friends she didn't cut off...it more like a mental breakdown.

I know she was scared to death about the wedding and her looming finals and her career. She was beyond stressed. She ghosted everyone. She gradually came back but, I was never involved. I have never stopped thinking of her...

olatundew said:

I was thinking "talk to her, get some closure" right up until this: "She's even better looking then she was before and SINGLE." This is not going to have a happy ending.

bleuturtle47 said:

She ghosted you for 16 years....I wouldn't even respond. It seems like you need closure but as everyone else says, 16 years is a long time and you yourself have probably changed quite a bit as well. I would go into this meeting with the intent for closure but nothing else. Remember, she ghosted you before your wedding for 16 years!

And rougatre7 said:

She had a lot of opportunities to explain: 1.) Before the wedding. 2.) After she left. 3.) When she went back to town. 4.) When she talked to her parents. 5.) Right there when she sent a Facebook message.

She has avoided all these for 16 years and even told her parents that she didn’t want anything to do with you. Now that she only wants to explain in person, I think she just wants to use it as a hook to make you agree to personally see her, an opportunity to push her new agenda while you’re vulnerable. Love yourself and do not go back to this horrible and selfish person. It’s not like she was kidnapped or something!

Two days later, OP shared this update:

Well, that was something. I got closure at least. We met at a cafe and sat and talked outside. The first thing I noticed was how badly scarred her arms were and how much pain was in her face. Long story short she wanted to break up long before the wedding, she was too weak and cowardly to speak up for herself. She had a complete nervous breakdown over everything.

She had been tired of being forced into doing things she never wanted to do and never having the guts to stand up for herself. She was mad at her family pressuring her to get married and pump out kids, she was mad at them forcing her into a degree that she didn't want, she was mad herself for not being able to speak up. Nothing she did was justified which we agreed on.

When I first proposed to her I did it in a public area. I had put her on the spot and she wanted to say no but, she couldn't bare to see me hurt. She was right. I made all the choices for her. I was a very different person back then and she was very "meek" as in she just went with the flow and had no backbone.

I drowned her voice out often and often never gave her the chance to grow to be a person. Back then I was often focused only on myself.

Well, everything came to a climax and she had a complete mental breakdown. She ran way from her problems at the behest of her best Friend and only person in the world she ever trusted. As she said it's the only thing she knows how to do: run. She never had the spine to speak up.

Her life just spiraled downwards. She did a few years homeless after her bestfriends husband kicked her to the curb. The rest of that time was spent in Prison, which she didn't specify what she did. She was released about a year ago and has been turning her life around. She has a job, she's reconnected with her parents and she's finally reconnecting with me. She never stopped trying to get in touch with me.

As for our future. We have none. We both agreed to end things and go our separate ways. We both are changed, two different people. We have nothing in common and don't live near each other. She doesn't justify what she did nor does she want to be forgiven. She thinks its repulsive and is ashamed of her actions.

I wanted to be angry but, i couldn't. I just forgave her. With that we shook hands said our goodbyes and that will likely be the last time we ever see one another.

It's bittersweet. I got the closure I wanted. We both did. It feels like a burden was released. I know now we never had a future together and never will. But, on the other I'm sad because it's over. All these years maybe hoping something would happen were for naught. But, in the end this is an ending and I finally have closure. Not many get to say that.

Do I believe her story? Yes, I do and even if she's full of shit at this point does it even matter? I've always known her to be very weak willed, meek. She often just does what everyone tells her to do and often runs when things get too difficult.

She avoids her problems because was too weak to stand up to them. I mean it makes sense why her family would not talk to me about her. They were the typical tiger parents that disowned their problem child.

tl;dr Alls well that ends well. Our relationship has finally come to an end and we can move on.