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'My ex-fiancee tried to get my wife to cheat on me. I didn't know they were friends.' UPDATED 3X

'My ex-fiancee tried to get my wife to cheat on me. I didn't know they were friends.' UPDATED 3X


"My ex-fiancee tried to get my wife to cheat on me."

I think my ex-fiancee Jess (31F) might have tried to get my wife Olivia (30F) dr-nk and cheat on me. My wife thinks I am overreacting and overthinking the whole situation. Can someone tell me if I would be an AH to ask Olivia to stop being friends with Jess immediately? For context, Jess and I started dating during the sophomore year of our college.

We met through mutual friends and connected instantly. She was charming and outgoing and made friends instantly everywhere she went. I am more shy and nerdy, but I enjoyed going out to parties with her. We got engaged on our graduation day as both our families were attending. I got a job in a big tech company right after college and Jess moved in with me while looking for jobs.

That is when the relationship started going downhill. Jess was an art major and had trouble finding a stable job. She did a bunch of freelance work and mostly worked from home. I was overwhelmed with work. She always wanted to go out to bars and clubs and I wanted to rest in the evening after 10-12 hours of work. I was ok with her going out with friends alone, and I would sometimes tag along on the weekend.

It bothered me that she was still in her party girl phase. She complained that I was becoming boring and should enjoy my early 20s before we settled down. I was also not happy with the friends she hung out with, as there was a lot of drinking and drug use. Even when I went out with her friends, she would be extremely flirty with guys in her friend's group.

Her excuse was always that she gets flirty when she is dr-nk or she was just joking. I had enough and decided to call off the engagement after 2 years as we were just different people at that point. The breakup was messy and she kept trying to get back with me for almost a year.

There were some incidences where Jess may not have acted in her best judgment, and I blocked her from all my social media. I did not want to deal with the drama and wanted to move on. I also got a transfer to another town around that time and never heard from Jess again. This is when I started dating my wife, Olivia. My wife was the exact opposite of Jess.

She was very soft-spoken and a homebody like me. She knew I was engaged before. We dated for three years and happily married for two years now. However, one of the sticking points we always had was my Thursday nights. Three of my closest college friends are now scattered all across the country and we generally play a video game together on Thursday evenings since our college days.

Olivia complained that she gets bored during that time. About 6 months ago, Olivia told me she got a Facebook invite for a group where they had painting and wine nights on Thursdays. It was mostly 8-10 women who got together at someone's house and spent the evening painting, drinking wine and gossiping. According to Olivia, it was just a few housewives and divorcees and they welcomed her.

One of the women's name was Jess, but I did not think much of it. Two weeks ago, Olivia told me it was Jess's birthday and they wanted to a ladies' night at a club. Olivia hates loud music, but Jess convinced her to come for dinner and some drinks. On that night, I got a call from Olivia at 10 pm asking me if I could come and pick her up. I could tell something was wrong and immediately left to pick her up.

I went to the bar and went in to pick up Olivia. I was shocked when I realized that her friend Jess was my ex-fiancee. She also looked surprised to see me there. I was polite and said hello to everyone, but Olivia wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. After we went in the car, I told Olivia that Jess was my ex-fiancee whom I had not seen for almost 7 years.

Olivia was shocked to hear it and she did not know about it. It was crazy since I did not even know she lived in the same city as us. Olivia told me Jess was the one who had started the painting group. She had divorced her husband 2 years ago and moved to our city for a fresh start. The reason why she called me was because she was getting uncomfortable with the situation at the bar.

Since Jess and one of the other women were single, they kept on encouraging guys hitting on them and inviting them over to their table. Jess was trying to get everyone drunk and was asking Olivia to open up and have fun. She was constantly hyping up Olivia to two of the guys who bought them a round of drinks. At this point, Olivia excused herself to go to the restroom and called me to pick her up.

I am not happy with the situation, but I am also not mad at Olivia. I am just uncomfortable with Olivia hanging out with Jess. I told Olivia about the same. Olivia told me that she was never going to put herself in the same situation again with Jess or anyone else. Also, this friends group is the only real social life she has since we both are in a completely new city.

She does not want to stop going to her painting nights with her friends. I brought up the thought that Jess could be acting in malice, but Olivia told me she did not think Jess would know I was her husband as Olivia never showed my picture to anyone in the group.

She also said that it's been 7 years since we broke up. Jess is a kind person and I should not judge her based on one night when she was dr-nk. She still wants to stay friends with Jess.

On one hand, I do not want to separate Olivia from her friends. But, my gut feeling is telling me something is off in this situation. Besides, it feels weird to have my ex be friends with my wife. Am I the AH to want Olivia to stop being friends with Jess because of my gut feeling? Or, should I just let it go as it's Olivia's call to make?

The internet had plenty of thoughts to share.

CatEmpty9861 wrote:

INFO: Did Olivia tell this group that she was married? Because if Jess knew she was married and was trying to get her to cheat on you (even if she didn't know it specifically YOU) then that is really really scummy. She should not be hanging out with friends who encourage her to cheat on her spouse.

OP responded:

Yes. I know this because one of the ladies in the painting group lives in our neighborhood and she knows me as Olivia's husband. Plus, her Instagram and Facebook has all our pictures together. I also felt the same about Jess' behavior. She made her uncomfortable to a point where she had to call me to pick her up.

SKPhantom wrote:

NTA, though you really should call out Jessica for being trash. Even if she didn't know it was you, she was still trying to get a woman in a relationship to flirt with/possibly even sleep with random guys.

boredathome1962 wrote:

Your wife called you to come and get her...I think that's a really good sign. And now you have warned her she can decide how the future pans out. However, I'd ask to see the paintings from time to time just in case.

Away-Coffee-9438 wrote:

Have you tried to make local friends as a couple? It is easier to migrate to new friends than leave the only friends you have.

OP responded:

We do have a couple friends that we made with our coworkers. However, it's hard to make friends in a new town once you are above 30. I have one night every week when I catch up with my best friends via video games, and Olivia wanted something similar for her.

she_who_knits wrote:

NTA, but you need to remain low key and let Olivia process this information. The paint and wine nights are harmless and the birthday bar night could just be a one off and Olivia may choose to not participate in one ever again.

She also knew how to handle the situation on her own so she's not a vulnerable naive waif fresh off the turnip truck. Trust your wife. If she gets any mean girl vibes off of Jess, she'll know how to deal.

OP responded:

That is the approach I am taking for now. I do not really have any reason not to trust Olivia. It's Jess who I don't trust. However, I do not want to come out as an AH and insecure in asking her to stop seeing Jess (and as a consequence her friend's group). She does not have a lot of friends and seems to enjoy being with others.

Plus, the other women in her group seem to be nice. Olivia told me it was a lesson learned for her and would not put herself in situations anymore where she goes to bars alone. She felt Jess did not act inappropriately since she is single and is allowed to flirt with guys. Olivia just felt uncomfortable and removed herself from the situation.

Magdovus wrote:

Is your wife friends with Jess on social media? Could Jess have found who you were that way? Regardless, Jess decided that she should try to get a married woman to cheat. I think you need to give Olivia some room to decide how she's going to deal with this. Is she going to say something to Jess?

OP responded:

Might be. I am not really into social media, hence I don't post anything on mine, nor do I generally check my wife's account unless she shows me something specifically.

Six weeks later, OP shared an update.

After the night of Jess's birthday, where she tried to get my wife dr-nk and flirt with strangers, I had a long conversation with my wife. I laid down why I was uncomfortable with her hanging out with Jess. My wife agreed with most of what I said but she feels that enough time has passed now where we can let things go.

She also talked to Jess and she told her that she had no idea about me and it's just one happy coincidence. Jess also insisted to my wife that she moved on with her life after our breakup, found love and unfortunately the marriage did not last. She told Olivia that maybe we all could go out for dinner together and clear out the issues.

Jess also insisted that she was just having fun at the bar, and apologized to my wife if her dr-nk behavior made her uncomfortable. My wife asked me if I would be ok with their friendship as she has not found a social group in the new town for a long time and Jess seems like a changed person.

She also told me that she would only meet these women during her art night, and not go out on girls' nights or trips. I felt that as long as Olivia was comfortable, I should not have any reason to be worried. We also had dinner with Jess once and Jess was very friendly. She told me about what happened in her marriage, and how she is on her healing journey right now.

She also apologized to me for her behavior during our last few months together. Jess also now owns a business and works as a freelance artist and graphic designer. I also was gracious as we were just 23 and I harbor no ill-feelings. My wife also started hosting art night at our place once a month or so and I had to move to my office for my game nights.

Last week, after the art night, Jess and one other lady hung back, and we were all drinking wine and chatting. The other lady was asking questions about Jess and I. Jess told her that it was old history, and I went no contact with Jess for 4 years. That was the reason why she had no idea about Olivia. Olivia looked at me, and asked Jess, you mean 7 years ago right. Jess said no, and that was when we broke up.

However, we met every time I came back to my hometown. I thought she was drunk, so I corrected her again that it was 7 years ago, and she was misremembering things. Jess said may be, and we moved on. The next day, Jess sent a bunch of photos to my wife of me and Jess hanging out. They were just innocent photos like us having dinner, at a music festival, working-out together, etc.

The weirdest part was I had a few tattoos on my body that I got after I broke up with Jess. I also never owned the clothes the person in the photo was wearing. Even the photos were timestamped to 4 years ago (Christmas 2019). Olivia freaked out because we started dating in summer 2019. I did make a trip alone to my hometown in Christmas 2019. However, I never met Jess.

She started asking me why I did not tell her about meeting Jess. I tried to tell her that these things never happened, but she does not believe me. She also called Jess and Jess told her that we met because I was back in town. However, we were just platonic at that point and it's not what my wife is thinking.

I confronted Jess and she told me that I am stupid to not tell Olivia about meeting her, and also not telling her about Olivia. She says that I told her I am still single. Olivia is very angry at me. She is not believing a word I am saying. I kept on telling her that I have not seen her for 7 years. Olivia says she does not mind me meeting her, but I should have told her as we were together.

I volunteered to show her all my phone records during that time, but they only go back to 3 years on my carrier. I am confused how those photos can even exist when I never met her. They are definitely photos from when I was with Olivia, as I look more muscular in these pictures and also have tattoos that I did not have back then.

I even told her she can call my friends and family and ask them about the trip, but she says that she has all the photos of my trip, and my friends and family will cover for me. Can someone please help me what I can do in this case.

I need to convince Olivia that this is all false. But she is just angry at me and giving me silent treatment. I swear that I did not meet Jess during that trip and am caught up in this mess without my fault.

Not long after posting, OP added yet another update.

A lot of people are messaging me in DM offering to review the pictures. I appreciate your help. I am not comfortable sharing the fake photos online with strangers. I am going to have an acquaintance who is a photographer look at them today. I had two people who are digital artists look at them so far and both of them told me they cannot identify anything wrong with the photos.

Also, another thing I learned after talking to a friend yesterday was the music concert venue (from the pictures) was a park near my parent's suburb and I did indeed go there with my friend for Christmas tree event. He also confirmed to my wife that he was with me all the time and we never met Jess there.

He also shared two photos from his camera roll that showed me wearing a different t-shirt than the photo that Jess shared. My mom confirmed that the gym photo was taken in an exercise room from the YMCA my parents go to. My mom reminded me that I did use their guest passes during that trip. I have no idea what is going on TBH.

The internet did not hold back.

Forward_Most_1933 wrote:

What in the twilight zone is going on here? Jess is freelance artist and graphic designer! Has your wife not heard of photoshop? Olivia is really naive to believe Jess has good intentions here. I suggest you remove Jess from your lives immediately.

You and your wife need to focus on your relationship. Jess knows exactly how to drive a wedge between you two, using your wife's longing for friends, naivety, and kindness against her. This is only going to spiral more if Jess continues to be in your lives. I'd also be more upset at Olivia for believing her friend/your ex over her husband.

OP responded:

I tried to convince my wife it might be photoshopped. My wife wants to believe me, but after watching the photos and checking every possible thing, she does not trust me anymore. I also tried to find any inconsistencies in the photos that might make it seem that way.

However, everything just looked right. Even the letters in my tattoos on my arm look correct in one of the pictures from gym where I am in workout clothes.

EzBakedGhost wrote:

You know for a fact those are photoshopped even if they’re done well and knowing what she’s done in the past trying to get your wife to cheat on you mention that. “She tried to get you to cheat on me before and now she’s using faked photos to make you lose trust in me, she hasn’t changed at all, she’s trying to ruin our marriage.

She is a graphic designer she is really good at using photoshop so no wonder those photos look real. Knowing all of that you’re going to trust her over me? Jess is not trustworthy, she is a bad person trying to ruin our marriage.” At this point you’re going to have to put your foot down Jess or You or it’ll just get worse. Jess in a known liar bring up how it hurts that she’s believing Jess over you.

K_A_Irony wrote:

Ummmm you probably need a restraining order against Jess. This is reaching some crazy stalker level. If this is all real I ASSUME Jess got some current photo's from that time period from yours or Olivia's social media and photo shopped them. Possibly you can get a computer forensic specialist to prove this, but you would need Olivia to be willing to believe it.

Tall-Negotiation6623 wrote:

I think I found a hole in her story. I already made a comment but just remembered an inconsistency. If you had been seeing her when you came back, why would she had apologised at the dinner, for her behaviour at the last months of your relationship?

Wouldn’t that already have been discussed? If you guys had met up platonic for years then I would except you guys to already have talked it out. The behaviour during dinner sounds like you guys hadn’t spoken since the break up.

OP responded:

Good catch. I am also trying to find any other evidence that contradicts the photos. Hopefully something comes up.

Four days later, OP shared an update.

I want to thank a lot of you for extending support and help. This has been a horrible week that just kept on getting worse. I do not blame my wife for believing Jess. Jess seemed to be a changed person from the girl I broke up 7 years ago.

I felt bad about her being in an abusive marriage for almost 3 years with a narcissistic husband. She got her life back together, was doing great with her work and also started her own business. She had me rooting for her too and I was proud of her journey.

I could see why my wife liked her. After Jess sent photos to my wife, I tried every possible thing to prove that the pictures were fake. I showed them to three acquaintances who told me that they can help me. None of them were able to find any inconsistencies with the photos. I also called my parents and my friend who I met during that trip.

My mom saw the photo and recognized that the gym photo was taken in the YMCA gym where my parents go. She remembered that I used their guest passes during that visit. My friend also identified the park where the music festival photo was taken. He confirmed that we had gone there during my visit for a Christmas tree lighting ceremony.

Things were just getting really confusing as how photos exist between Jess and I at these venues. Jess on the other hand was comforting my wife telling she did not imply anything when she sent her the photos. She said that she was married at that time, and we just ran into each other a couple of times during that visit.

Jess was telling my wife to not overthink the photos and I must have forgotten that we ran into each other. What calmed my wife down a bit was my mom talking to her and telling her that in no world would I hang out with Jess after all the stuff that happened during our breakup. Things got really messy and there was a reason why she was blocked across everything.

My wife agreed with her and told me to just let it go. However, it was just a horrible feeling as I did not have any real proof that this was fake, and I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop anytime. I finally caught a huge break last night. My wife decided to not go to her painting night with Jess and friends yesterday and told me she just wants to be left alone and wants to read.

I wanted to sit with her, but she told me to go and play with my friends as she wanted to be alone. During our gaming session, I told my 3 closest friends what happened and how there are photos of me and Jess at locations that I actually visited during that trip. The session turned into them bashing Jess (old stories) and how manipulative she is.

After our gaming session was over, my friend Jim called me on phone and told me he wanted to talk about something important about Jess. He asked me if I was alone, as he did not want Olivia to listen in. I told him I need to go to a different room. I put my phone on speaker and went in our bedroom where Olivia was sitting and prompted her to stay quiet.

Jim told me that he has been in contact with Jess for 3 years ago. He said that she was still married but was planning to leave her husband. They knew each other because Jess was my GF all thru college. The initial conversations were just catching up and Jess complaining about her husband.

He told me Jess inquired about me a few times as she had learned I got engaged to Olivia around that time. He said that they have been talking for a while now. Jess also told him about the coincidence that Olivia was in her painting group and how she met me few months ago when I went to pick up Olivia. She told Jim that Olivia came to her birthday and was heavily drinking and flirting with guys.

She even sent him few pictures. There were a few with Jess and Olivia together, and then Olivia hugging and kissing a guy on his cheeks. I asked him to forward me the photos and he sent them to me on Discord. Jess told him that I am still the same insecure guy and must be tracking Olivia as I showed up at the bar at 10 pm like a parent to pick Olivia.

Jess did not know that Olivia had called me from the restroom to pick her up. Jess made a joke to Jim about how ironic it is that I broke up with Jess because she loved to party and now, I am married to a party girl. I asked Jim why he did not share those pictures with me before. He said that he did not want to stir the pot in my marriage without knowing all the details.

I was really mad at Jim at this point and asked him what else did he tell Jess about me. He said not a lot and they barely talked about me. However, Jess was obsessed with Olivia and would badmouth her a lot. So, Jim might have told her a bit about Olivia like what she does, where she works, etc.

I asked Jim did he ever tell Jess about our game nights, and he said he has and how Olivia complains about being bored. I told Jim to not tell Jess about our conversation. Jim asked me if I not tell anyone that he and Jess are in contact. He said that his wife might get the wrong idea and he just wanted to reach out because things seem to get really weird in my life.

Olivia was listening to everything and staring in disbelief at the photos that Jim shared. As soon as I hung up the phone, she started explaining to me that these were the same guys that Jess called to their table and were buying them drinks. However, she never even stood next to them, let alone hug or kiss them.

She also pointed out that her apple watch in the photo was on her wrong wrist. She was also spooked out that Jess knew about her for almost 3 years, and there was no way she did not recognize her when she joined the painting group. Olivia was also pissed at Jim for talking to Jess and backstabbing me for so many years.

She pointed out the fact that Jim was missing for one day when he and his family visited us last year. Jim was gone for the entire day and came home late at night because he had to work from his office in our city. Fifteen minutes after our conversation, Jess messaged my wife and told her that they missed her at the painting night, and she will see her next week.

Her level of deceit really gave us chills and Olivia was really worried. Olivia wants to go no contact with Jess, but I am worried that it may not be enough. I also still don't know how Jess knows about what I did when I visited my parents in 2019 and all the locations I went to.

I also don't know who else Jess is talking to and sending Olivia's fake photos to show her in bad light. It's really unnerving and I am just thinking about how I should confront Jess and make sure she never bothers us again. Thanks again for all the help from the community and your messages really helped me keep my sanity during this rough week.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Odd_Welcome7940 wrote:

I don't like to kick people when they are down but my god your wife owes you such a huge apology. Like an earthquake moving hysterical bonding apology. You better collect on that once your safe and in the clear.

OP responded:

My wife tried to apologize many times since last night. However, I do not care about any apologies. I just want to get things back to normal and get rid of nightmare. I can dissect who was wrong, and happened later, but I currently feel my family is in danger and I have no idea how many other people there are out there who might have seen fake photos of my wife or me.

It is also scary that Jess knew where I was 4 years ago when I went back to my hometown. She was married at that time, and still she knew what gym I went to and I went to the park for Christmas tree lighting with my friend. She knew the clothes I was wearing, how my body looked at that time and got all those details right. There have to be other people who she is talking to.

Material_Cellist4133 wrote:

Ummm….anyone going to tell Jim’s wife? I mean there is a reason why he doesn’t want anyone to know he is in contact with Jess. Might be time to file for a protective order.

OP responded:

My wife was super pissed at Jim and she feels he met Jess when he visited us a year ago with his wife. Right now, I do not have time to think about anything else, except Olivia and me. Regarding TRO, does anyone know if my case would quality for TRO. I have been reading online since last night and it is only given in case there is a clear immediate danger to me or Olivia.

The more I think about it, Jess's first plan was to send those pictures to Jim hoping he would leak them to me and accuse Olivia of flirting with those guys. Luckily Olivia called me from the bar before anything went down and I was able to get her. If she had not called me, I would have never known that she was with Jess and those pictures were fake. Jim decided to sit on those photos and not tell me.

I think Jess's plan B was to convince Olivia I was a liar and was meeting her while dating Olivia. My mind is really racing in all direction at this point. I also understand how stupid Olivia and I were to let Jess back in our lives.

For people asking about security, I do have ring cameras installed around my house and also own a gun. I am more worried about when Olivia goes to work, and if Jess leaks some damming photos that gets her into jeopardy with her work or family.

hangonecstatico wrote:

Don’t confront Jess. Avoid her. No response is strong. What you should do is inform family and friends that you have some proof she is actively trying to ruin your marriage. And do ask if she has done anything similar to anyone else. Ask everyone who might know her and all acquaintances you have in common.

dangerclosemaybe wrote:

Get a lawyer to file an emergency order of protection against Jess between her and you and your wife. Save all of these photos and contact your county's prosecutor's office and start building a case for stalking and harassment, copy of the emergency protective order in hand.

You and your wife need to ghost and block Jess immediately. Trust me, once Jess realizes what's going on, she's going to go apeshit and drop her nuclear bomb of deep fake photos of you and her apparently having s-x.

This couldn't have worked out better for you. Your wife now knows Jess is not to be trusted and anything else coming from her is going to look desperate and pathetic. Get you and your wife into marriage counseling and individual therapy. Your wife still owes you a massive, massive apology.

Sources: Reddit
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