'My ex got my parents in the divorce.'
I (35f) have been divorced from my ex-husband (48m) for 9 years. We have 2 children together (13f) and (10f). Big age gap yes, and yes I had my kids young. I had a bit of a difficult childhood.
My father was very “my way or the highway” my entire child and adult life. I was a child competitive athlete with my father as my coach and not much time for anything else including understanding how to function normally in society.
When I became an adult (at 18) I just wanted to start a family and have my own life, probably because my childhood never felt like a childhood. I ran into the first (and worst) arms I could to achieve my very short sighted goals as a late teenage girl.
Lo and behold I actually grew up over the years and did a whole lot of maturing and obviously, the 32 year old I married had done all the maturing he was ever going to do. I went back to school, got a degree, and started working at a good job.
We had our first child and I decided to go back to school again for a better position. I was working full time, plus overtime, going to school, taking care of 1 and then 2 kids, house, cooking, cleaning, and doing everything else under the sun.
Come to find out my deadbeat of a husband was not only cheating, but he was dropping our children off at my parents house claiming he had to go to work early (I worked night shift) so they would be better to sleep there.
He would drop them off and drive down the street to his girlfriend’s house and stay with her. I realized one day when I came home from a 16 hour shift and the bed was still made, pillow shams and all. And we all know no man is ever putting shams back on the bed, and definitely not that man.
I did a little digging into phone records and it was absolutely glaring me in the face. I confront, he admits, fast forward, we wind up divorced. I do my best to move on. He moved in with his girlfriend and I struggled as a single mom, ultimately needing to rely on my parents again for help.
Well, my dad sunk his claws into my children and they also became child athletes. I did NOT want that life for them, but remember I was pretty desperately in need of help and in my head I rationalized it away.
Years go by, I become a successful professional, the divorce pain fades and my ex and I are actually friendly. We help each other out schedule wise and had a more than cordial relationship for the sake of the kids.
Over the years I had also done my best to try and cool down the intense training my father imposed on my kids. My ex husband was oblivious and just wanted free babysitting, so he would allow it all.
Finally, I meet an amazing man who completes me. I move 45 minutes away and get married. Well… my ex husband did NOT like that. He decided to take me to court and served me with papers the day before my wedding.
My parents also did not like that I was moving “so far away.” I remind you, we are talking 45 minutes. It got very ugly after that. My parents got involved and basically sided with my ex husband who lived down the street so they could have full access to them 24/7 (for training purposes).
I sat down with my husband and them at their kitchen table one day and flat out asked them if they were on my side or his and they said “it would be better for us if the kids lived with him.” That was an absolute gut punch.
Obviously, my ex husband did not win in court. The kids primarily stayed with me and things cooled down at least to a low simmer. I tried to forgive my parents, but I really just couldn’t.
They would still spend time with my ex husband and even went on more than one vacation with him. I told my parents how much this was hurting me and asked them to just take a step back from him so we could work on our relationship. They refused and said they couldn’t do that because he was “family”.
A few years of therapy and more hurt feelings and I eventually decided they didn’t have a place in my life anymore. They see my daughters through my ex husband, but my husband and I now have a child, and he does not see my parents at all. AITA for not including them in my son’s life?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Yikes, your parents are not very good people are they? Though I don’t think they actually like your ex, rather use him to spend time with the kids. Regardless, they are awful. NTA / and please be careful about parental alienation. They ( patents + ex) may try to negatively influence your kids about you or your partner. Pay attention to any changes in their behaviour.
I think you meant "to control the kids" as the ex-husband let them call the shots so he could stay a weekend dad.
Crazy_Flatworm2716 (OP)
We actually did ask the kids what they wanted after a summer of trying to make sure they were shielded from everything. We only talked about it with them after my parents told them they had to go to court and choose a parent (which wasn’t true). And funny you should say control them.
That was exactly what my ex husband tried to say even though the kids were the ones who made all the choices about where they wanted to go and when. And he had them more than every other weekend, but he wouldn’t take them to any of their activities so they stopped wanting to go there.
NTA. Focus on what you can control and that's definitely not your parents or your ex.
Crazy_Flatworm2716 (OP)
Took some therapy and time, but yes, this is my motto. Over time it helps as my parents and my ex continue to bury themselves by trash talking and negativity. My kids see who is there for them and who helps them cope in a healthy way with things.
NTA. Are your parents only wanting to focus on your relationship now that you have a kid? Also your parents are obviously controlling sounds like they pushed you right into an older mans arms as a teenager bc you were used to that control and manipulation. And they probably loved that he was willing to try and manipulate you too.