'My ex-husband is suddenly interested in co-parenting after 19 years. I won't adapt his parenting style. AITA?'

"AITA? My ex husband is now all of a sudden interested in co-parenting after 19 years without and I refuse to adapt his parenting style."

Our young men, almost 21 and 19, (they’re 15 months apart) are living between their dad’s house and my house quite regularly for the past couple of years.
Their dad has money, and I, unfortunately have been on disability and retired for several years. I’ve always been able to take care of my boys so that isn’t an issue.

Our almost 21-year-old has been dealing with mental health issues for at least 6 years now, while my youngest, 19 has anger issues. I’ve been trying to get help for all of these things through our country's (Canada) health care system. Without extra medical insurance, mental health in patient rehab costs at minimum $26k to $100k.

The waitlists for any free online courses/classes are 4+ months and are truly ineffective. Three family counseling sessions are at least 3 months away. Me, my father (as ex only respects him/his opinion) met with my ex and our two young men. Ex decided that almost 21 y/o wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house outside work after we ALL agreed that respectful consideration would be had on all our sides.

No controlling attempts would be made and no disrespectful home return times. As soon as we went back to my house, my ex says via text, you better make sure he doesn’t go out tonight (he left his car at his dads so he didn’t have to get bombarded with messages). My son and I talked, I asked him what time did he feel was fair to come home (as we have a new fur baby that I adopted last Saturday who is 1 yr old).

We agreed on 12:30. No demand, no trying to control, just a mutual consideration. He came back at 12:31 lol. His dad was spamming me until he texted, “I’m guessing son is out and you don’t want to tell me.“

I waited until son returned and I messaged ex-hubby back: "Of course I didn’t want to talk to you about it, cuz your resort is to take the car unless things go in your favour, you verbally and emotionally ab#$e all of us and I said that we agreed upon the timeframe for him to come home."

"Our son complied, so I don’t need any s#$t from you that I’m a bad mum in any way. I’d rather be reasonable, fair and respectful of our men, instead of a being a controlling AH so that they resent you so much they completely lose contact."

So AITA for sticking to my parenting style that was worked for 20+ years or should I enact my ex’s bs parenting of our two young men?

The internet had a lot of comments and questions to add.

ACanWontAttitude wrote:

Why is he trying to ground a 21-year-old. And why are you co-parenting? They're adults.

OP responded:

That’s kind of my point. Their father has now decided to attempt to parent our grown young men. I refuse his demands (lol) and choose to have adult conversation with them about everything.

He‘s been blowing up my phone (I’ve silenced his notifications but haven’t blocked him as they stay with him sometimes) to try to badger me into agreeing with him on “control.” Hence the post. Am I the AH for refusing to suddenly coparent our young men?

WhyAmIStillHere86 wrote:

NTA.

Both of your sons are legal adults at this point, can you cut your ex off entirely?

OP responded:

I have cut him off a few years back, I was just concerned that when they were with him only recently, that they might actually fight, as their dad is boys will be boys mentality.

cattpuu wrote:

Why on Earth do either of you feel you have the right to dictate when a 21-year-old man should come home? No wonder your sons have mental health issues.

OP responded:

Well that’s a new one and I think it’s kinda uninformed and pretty rude, to say that my parenting has caused mental health issues.I’ve never heard that trying to assist a 20 year old with mental health issues would be the REASON he has mental health issues.

When your child, no matter if they’re 20 or 30 or 40 etc. has a hard time making responsible decisions, it’s my honest to goodness obligation to explain WHY I think/act the way I do (just wanting to know when he’ll be coming home…it hasn’t mattered to me if it’s 1 or 5 in the morning) I am in no way TRYING to dictate to him when he should come home.

In fact, it’s the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I’ve chosen to do. We sat down as ADULTS and talked about consideration for each other, such as walking in at 4am (we don’t live in the best town and the gun violence has skyrocketed), so to agree on a time he’ll be home.

If circumstances change, he’ll just need to text me to let me know. I promise you, I do not FEEL the right to dictate anything about his time to come home.

Els-09 wrote:

Not a controlling man swooping in after years of absence, thinking he suddenly knows best. Sorry you have to deal with that. NTA. You’ve been the primary parent for two decades, your son is an adult, and your approach based on mutual respect and communication is far more effective than enforcing arbitrary restrictions.

Your mostly absent ex doesn’t get to dictate your parenting style—especially when his method is based on coercion and manipulation. You set a reasonable expectation, your son respected it, and that should be the end of it. Your ex’s sudden need to control things after all these years is about his own power, not what’s best for your kids. Stick to your guns.

OP responded:

Thank you. I’m getting so many messages questioning why I’m parenting a 20-year-old. I so very much appreciate your kind response.

Fun_Effective6846 wrote:

NTA. Okay so I first want to say that I’m just a bit older than your sons, but my mom’s friend is in a very similar situation to you with her sons’ mental health (also Canadian) so I just want to say I feel for you and what your family is going through, it’s definitely not easy.

"Ex decided that almost 21 y/o wouldn’t be allowed to leave the house outside work."

Your son is 21. No one has any say over when he goes out but him. It’s one thing to expect him home at a reasonable hour as someone who lives with him. But his dad can’t just flat out restrict his movement.

It doesn’t matter what mental health issues he has going on, he’s an adult. No sense in treating him like a child when that’s not how the legal and medical systems work. You say your ex-husband wants to “co-parent,” but you don’t have children anymore. You have adults who are legally responsible for themselves unless a court has deemed otherwise necessary.

Healthy_Twist2209 wrote:

ESH - Sounds like you've been an attentive and supportive mom. But your kids are adults. Unless you have them under some kind of guardianship, there is no such thing as co-parenting. Your kids have their own relationship with their father, you're nothing but a bystander in that. Your ex is toxic and you're participating in playing tug-of-war with the kids.