'My ex of 5 years left me to have fun. Now she wants back in my life. What do I do?' UPDATED 5X

"Me [2 M] with my ex [26F] of 5 years, left me to have fun, now wants back in my life."

This is probably a very common problem on here but I need either some advice or maybe I just need to vent/rant or hell maybe just told I'm full of shit and to get over myself. High school sweethearts, each others first real relationship, lost our virginity to each other, stayed together through all of high school and until our senior year of college.

I was madly deeply in love with her. I know it sound cliche as hell but I was willing to change my future goals/dreams/desires to fit her. She was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. One night after mind blowing s#$ she tells me that she has come to a hard decision.

Long story short she tells me that she feels cheated because of being together so young in life that she feels like she has missed out. I try offering concessions about doing things together, whatever she wanted. Well she finally came clean and told me that it wasn't missing out on life activities that she felt cheated on but basically f--king other men (she didn't say it that way but its damn well what she meant).

I'm heartbroken. I mean crushed. I'm not proud of this but I had to go on anti depressants for a couple of years after that. I fell apart. I dropped out of college because I could not handle it (hey you don't have to tell me I'm a big p#ssy I know it already). We separated and at first I made the mistake of keeping her on social media (facebook, twitter) and I swear to God there was a new guy almost every two weeks.

So I finally got smart and just deleted her from everything. Not that it mattered to her but blocked her in every way that I could just to get her out of my life. I moved, I tried to stay busy, I started a new hobby (RC cars if you can believe it, yea I'm just a big kid) and eventually with the help of my Doctor I started to get into shape.

I guess I should point out that when I crashed I also just let myself go physically, I mean I gained 60 pounds and my diet was...well there was no diet to it. I totally had no game with women, she was the only girl I had ever asked out and therefor never developed any skills in this manor. I did go out as friends with a couple of different people but it never really worked out, I'm still friends with them though.

Throughout the past couple of years I have ran into a mutual friend of ours (more her friend than mine) and I make it a point to not talk about her. But she (the friend) keeps bringing her up at the end of our conversation every time. Let's me know that she (my ex) was saddened that I did not keep in contact with her. I never really reply to her other than to say "well I hope she is doing well."

Fast forward to about a week and a half ago, I see the friend at one of our local markets and she is all excited to see me. Again remember we aren't really friends so this is odd behavior. She doesn't even let me talk because she is so excited that my ex is coming back to town and is going to be staying with her for a couple off weeks and that my ex has told her that she wants to see me.

I don't know what to say so I just say that maybe we will run into each other in town. I try my best to avoid town that next week. Both the friend and my ex show up at my f-king door.

I live in a new apartment so they had to get my address from someone else because I sure as f-- didn't give it to any of them. Of course I don't have a damn peephole so I open the damn door, had I known it was them I would have not opened it.

Anyway she jumps in my arms and hugs me like a wrestler and tells me she has missed me. My head is swimming at this point and the desire to call her a wh0re is pretty overwhelming but I manage to repress it. After a few seconds of B.S. talk, the friend says that she is going to leave so we can catch up. I beg her to stay but she was pretty adamant about leaving.

So the next thing I know my ex is sitting on my futon talking as though nothing has happened. I can't take it anymore and honestly was starting to have a panic attack, which I haven't had in almost a year and a half so I excuse myself to take a xanax (which I haven't taken in over a year but still had some left over from my last refill).

I come back and then she lays it on me. She wasn't just staying with our friend, she was staying there because she has an interview with a company in the next town over and was excited because she was going to be moving home.

This is the part where I want to shoot myself. She then tells me that she wants to get back together with me and that she has always loved only me. She said that her decision was right for her at the time but it was a pretty empty life and she regrets making that choice. She was saying other shit as well but to be blunt I couldn't understand it, the more she talked the madder I got.

She went of what seemed life a f#$ing hour but it probably was only 10 min. and I just sat there. She is sitting there crying like I should comfort her or something because of how her life has been shallow. So she is giving me this talk and then she say's that she hopes that what she decided didn't hurt me to much.

That was all I could stand.

I just stood up walked to my medicine cabinet in the bathroom grabbed all of my pill bottles and several empty ones that were in there walked out and threw them on the foot stool in front of her.

I told her that this is how her decision didn't hurt me much. She cries for few minutes and then tries to talk to me again and asks me what my life had been like. Well I the proceeded to tell her, I told her everything and I didn't hold back. I told her how I had gained weight, lost my future career, was depressed and at one point suicidal.

Then she asked me about dating people. When I told her I hadn't even dated anyone she seemed stunned. So she came out and asked me about intimacy and when I said that I haven't been with anyone else she gets hysterical with crying. She thought for sure I was hooking up as often as she had. We talked more and she texted her friend to come pick her up.

She kept telling me how sorry she was and wanted to come back and see me the next day. I didn't answer. She comes over and like an AH I let her in. She tries kissing me but I don't let her, which she looked hurt but said she understood. We sat and talked. I hate myself. We talked for a long time, I'll spare you the play by play, but in the end we were hungry so we ordered a pizza.

She stayed till it was so late that I had to tell her I had to get some sleep because I had to work in the morning. As she left she tried kissing me again, I wish to Christ I could tell you I didn't but I kissed her. She smiled so big that we both giggled about it. The moment I closed the door I started loathing myself. I just had a f--king date for all intents and purposes with the woman who destroyed my life.

Today I have felt like shit all day long. I have sucked at work and I about wrecked my car twice because my head is up my a--. I am in so much damn pain that this shit hurts as bad today as it did those years ago. Someone please kick me in the ass and tell me not to consider taking her back.

I am so pathetic because worst of all no matter the time, the drugs or even the hate deep down in there I still for some god damn reason still think I love her. That kiss was electric to me and part of me can't determine if her smile was because she was happy because she wants to be with me or if it was a smile because she knew she got what she wanted.

I know she is going to be here later tonight and I am so afraid that she is going to break down the walls of defense that I have built up and I am going to make the biggest mistake of my life. I will say this though in her defense, prior to the last night together she was the girl of my dreams and the person I wanted to live the rest of my life with. Sorry this is so damn long, someone please talk sense into me.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Master_Z wrote:

You weren't prepared to handle a break up and you weren't strong enough as an individual to move on in a healthy way after it. She shouldn't be blamed for how your life went after the breakup, in your mind you should try to forgive her since you clearly put the blame on her.

Ask her to respect you to cut contact. Focus on yourself even more and be happy, talk to someone about how you're feeling inside. And ask that mutual friend to stop talking about her. Be more upfront w/ people, go after a life you want and don't go after the life you thought you would chase after, one where your life would revolve around your EX's life.

odin673 wrote:

You should definitely not take her back. You should also stop blaming her for everything that went wrong after she left you. You're a man, take responsibility. There's no shame in feeling depressed. With that said, you shouldn't blame her for things that happen years down the line.

Your happiness/success should only depend on one person. You! Your recovery only depends on you. Don't blame her reemergence for a few more years of failure. You're still very young. Go get that future career, get in better shape and find a girlfriend that won't throw you away for a bunch of new d!cks.

thebigbey wrote:

I'm sure this has been really hard for you, but it seems like she was really surprised at how miserable you were all the time you were apart. It doesn't sound like she is trying to mess with you. I wouldn't get back with her if I were you but I wouldn't blame her for everything that happened after your breakup either. Good luck to ya, I hope you get some peace after this!

[deleted] wrote:

Alright man...for starters..this time, don't open the door.

I don't care how you do it. You need to go no contact and let her know that you're not interested. Tell her to fuck off. You don't want her. You really don't.

After receiving some feedback, OP shared two updates.

EDIT: Our mutual friend came to my place this evening and said that my ex wanted me to have her phone number so I could call her because I still have her blocked from anything.

She also wanted me to have something and proceeded to pull out a stuffed manilla envelope and handed it to me with another small white envelope that she told me to read first. Basically the small envelope had a letter she had hand written today, she can't email me because I shut down that email years ago and she doesn't know my new one.

In the letter is her thoughts and hopes for us. She wrote a lot of stuff actually, all in all 6 pieces of paper front and back. But the kicker was that she wanted me to have all of the letters she wrote me over the years hoping that one day she would be able to give them to me and that she had placed them in chronological order.

She also stuck in a couple of envelopes that had been returned to her because my address had changed without a forwarding address. There are literally dozens of letters some of which are much longer than the one from tonight and a quick glance shows me that she started this up almost the minute I moved back home.

I also found out from my Mother that she actually not only had tried to get my new address but actually showed up at my parents house looking for me almost 4 years ago and no one ever told me. But as on commenter had predicted in her letters she called us soulmates and said she would do anything to prove herself to me.

I have made it through two letters from the past so far and I am stopping. I am making an appointment first thing in the morning to see my therapist again, this is just opening up all of my old wounds and I feel like every bit of progress I have made over the past couple of years is going out the window.

Edit 2: Hey guys I wanted to thank all of you for all of your messages, yes even those of you who called me an immature entitled f--kwad in a P.M. (you know who you are). I cannot believe the amount of replies this has generated and I have also received upwards of 30 direct messages to me, a couple of which are very heartfelt messages from a couple of older guys sharing their story with me.

This all means a lot to me, it truly does. I was able to get into my therapist today and it has helped a lot. I will post an update later if anyone is interested. I at least feel balanced again.

I am right now writing out my feelings, my therapist suggestion, and I am going to take the night and go see a movie just to get out of my apartment for the night. I'll be back later. TL;DR: ex went to sow her wild oats, I fell apart, long recovery shattered by her re emergence into my life.

The comments kept coming.

El_peckbo wrote:

The responses to this thread are varied and complicated. Some of it is tainted with personal venom from both sides of the extreme. Look I've been with the same woman since I was 15 years old and I would not have taken it much if any better than you did if at the age of 22 she would have told me that she needed to see other people and not me.

So please ignore all of these people who are making fun of you for having mental health issues because of it. You did the right thing, you got help and from what I read you were doing better until she suddenly came back into your life. Like you I also would have been lost on how to deal with women, hell all of these years later if something would happen where I had to do it now I would still have no idea.

But here is the thing, you have got to try. I think I'm going to disagree with people who think you aren't ready for a relationship. Again going with what you said, you were doing better and you had taken all of the steps to improve your life. You need to do whatever you can to find a nice girl.

Hell maybe not even a nice girl at this point in time. Maybe you need to just casually date for awhile, but either way there is no need for this vow of isolation that you seem to have taken. Look I won't presume to tell you what to do with your ex. I don't know either of you so I can't tell. But I do know this, right now the ball is in your court.

Unlike the last time you have the power here, you get to make the decision. If you want to just tell her that you can never be with her again then just do it. You don't have to be cruel about it or call her any names, but you can be and should be blunt and forthright with her. However if you do think you want to try it again let me issue you one warning/question.

Can you go forward with her and never resent her for sleeping with other guys? The first time you two start to get intimate are you going to look at her and see some other guy doing what you are doing? If so, great. If not, well it will never work. Personally I think you need to just try making a new connection, however I know that is a lot harder than it sounds. Either way, good luck to you.

psychologyprofessor wrote:

Forget about her bro. Get back in shape and eat healthy. Spend this summer working on getting fit and focusing on your career that you gave up on. She made a huge mistake leaving you and is foolish to think she can just come back like nothing happened.

Personally I find it disgusting that she went to "sow her wild oats" and wants to come back to you. She ruined it. If I was in your shoes I would only take her back if she could stay single for 6 months so she could really think about what she did to you and if she really wants you back in her life.

sirmoog wrote:

Sorry to hear you go through all the hurting man. I've been there and it's NOT pretty... If I were you... no way in hell would I take her back. You are better than that. Just hang in there... straighten things out in your head and move on. Trust me, it won't last and if she can do this to you once, she can sure as hell do it again. Just hang in there buddy.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

I was going to just make another edit to the first one but that entire line has become so massive that I'm not sure people would even see it so I'll just put this update here. I didn't sleep much if any last night so I called the therapist office first thing and was able to get in.

I decided to take my packet of letters she had written with me just in case he thought we should go over them together.

It was a good session and when I left I felt a lot better, in fact I feel as good now as I have almost any day in the past few years.

He gave me several exercise to do throughout the day and one where I was to write a letter to her saying everything I ever wanted to say to her but I was never to give it to her. Here is what surprised me though, he does not want me to avoid her. In fact he wants me to do the opposite, he thinks I have made her mythical and have given her to much control over my well being.

He is not recommending any change in my medication and he just encouraged me to keep a regular diet. Actually he was impressed with my weight loss since I was last there (I've dropped 40 pounds in the past year). I asked about the letters and he said that if I want to read them I have to understand the context they were written in and that they can not influence my decision making process.

He talked for awhile about how to accept the letters as more of a narrative and not an explanation. Obviously I took the entire day off of work (I had time to burn so it was not an issue) and wrote down my feelings, the letter to her (It was kind of cathartic doing this) and then decided to read a few of her letters.

I'll get to her letters in a moment but I also knew she was going to try and see me tonight and I was not ready for this yet so I decided to go out and eat dinner and go to see the new X-Men movie.

I highly recommend this movie btw, it corrects several of the horrible screwups of the X-Men last stand (sorry yes I'm also a nerd). When I got home there was another letter taped to my door. She must carry a damn notebook or something with her because she obviously wrote this in the car when she figured out I wasn't there.

This one wasn't nearly as long but it was still pretty much the same message. She did say though that if I did not want to ever see her again I just need to tell her and she would not bother me anymore but she hoped and prayed I would not do this until we can talk more. In writing down my emotions today I had an epiphany and really it wasn't that much of a shock to me but here it is.

I was writing down every single thing I felt about her and what happened and why she did it and why I never could move on and on and on. Hate, anger, disappointment, resentment, confusion, betrayal, etc. were all words that filled a page and a half. I also put out why I had each emotion, which surprisingly the longest one was confusion.

But at the end of the second page the last one I wrote out was love. There was no denying it, no matter what she did how she did it or why there was a part of me that still loved her and I needed to stop running behind all of my other emotions to hide it. But here is the twist and this is why I feel better now than I have since this all started.

I also realized that who I loved was the girl from all of those years ago, the girl who said we would always be together and the girl who would get jealous whenever another female would talk with me (ironic as hell isn't it, she used to give me the 3rd degree whenever a woman would text me or talk with me about classes).

The person she is now is not that person that I loved. Oh she may still be physically the same person but emotionally as a person she is not the same. Whey I wrote all of that out today I can honestly say that it felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. This person is a new person and I have to deal with her just like that.

After doing all of this I decided to read some of her letters. BTW I know that she actually wrote these over the years and not just at once because a couple of them she mailed and the date stamp is on them and others the paper is aged and she always has written the date on her letters. I left campus very shortly after we broke up, I just couldn't handle it and was (Ok I'm very ashamed to admit this) suicidal.

That is why I was on the medicine, I am okay saying this now although we never admitted this to outsiders. This is also one of the reasons my parents do not like her is because they are acutely aware of how I was (I spent enough time just lying in my old room). The reason I even say any of that is that she started writing me these letters about 3 months after she left me.

She laid out everything to me in those letters very early on and she tried to come back to me. In fact one of the letters she had returned to her was pretty gut wrenching to read. In fact it upset me a little because no matter what she did I always did care about her and even now I do not wish physical harm on her.

But apparently one of her new boyfriends, she claimed the third boy she dated after we split, one night beat her. I'm not talking smacked around, according to her letter he blackened her eye and ripped out an ear ring.

I know I should be a bigger person than this and in reality I am sorry that happened to her but there is a part of me that just feels like that if she hadn't decided to leave me this wouldn't be an issue. I never even argued much with her when we were together and I never would have hit her. Hell when she broke up with me all I could do was cry and make an ass of myself.

So I read more and by my best guess this trauma is what caused her to decide that I wasn't so bad after all. Over the next few years she would write about wanting to get together and make everything right etc., etc. So I read almost all of them, I have a couple left but they are newer including one she wrote about a month ago.

One of the letters was her telling me how my Mom treated her when she went to see them. She said she understood my Mom's emotions and hoped one day to repair the damage that she had done to her. It also was pretty obvious she was getting desperate trying to figure out a way to contact me as the years went on.

So this brings me to the here and now and I've made a lot of decisions today on how I want to proceed. I thought about this next part long and hard and each and every time I would think about it I came up with the same conclusion. I just asked myself this, if I got back with her would I resent her for what she did?

Every single time I came back with the same thing, right now I would. Then I even went here, would I be able to accept that she has been with other men while I have never even kissed another girl. The answer is no, there is no possible way that no matter how hard I tried I just don't see where it wouldn't be an issue at some point in time.

In fact if she even initiated s#x I think I would be somewhat repulsed because it would make me wonder why all over again. So with these things in mind and the knowledge that she is not the same girl I loved I have decided that there is no possible way that we can be together as a couple, right now.

I say right now because I am choosing to look at this from another way as well. I have decided that instead of running from her and still making her such an important figure in my life I am going to do my absolute best to forgive her and move on with my life.

I know some are going to say that she doesn't need to be forgiven because she did nothing wrong. I am just going to respectfully disagree. She certainly had a right to do what she did but she didn't have to do it, she chose to do it and she knew what it would do to me.

Now she didn't know nor is she responsible for how bad it hit me, but she knew it would break my heart. She even admitted this in the letters that she knew she did it and deeply regretted it. One guy asked me in the other thread if she was wearing a ring on her finger and I never replied and I failed to put this in my first post but yes, yes she was wearing a ring on her finger.

It wasn't a wedding ring but it was an engagement ring. We were engaged however it was going to be a long engagement till we were both out of school and had jobs. She gave me back the ring that night. So I'm going to tell her tomorrow that while I am going to try to no longer harbor any resentment for her that we just can not be together right now.

Maybe some day in the future I can continue to evolve or something but right now there is no way. However I am going to leave her this olive branch, I will say that we can be friends to start with and I would be willing to see where it goes from there. I want to be able to see her without my heart feeling like it is being ripped out and that is for my benefit not hers.

I think I need to see her somewhat regularly just to keep her from being something she is not. Also you are all going to think I'm crazy about this but it is something I've thought about for a long time, well before she came back into my life. I am seriously considering joining the Marine Corps.

I think I need the discipline and confidence. I've always admired the Marines and it would also be nice to serve my country. I spoke with a recruiter and surprisingly I qualify to take the ASVAB testing. While I dropped out of our college I did eventually finish my Bachelors degree.

I am really truly going to consider giving this a run. My job pays well but ultimately it is unfulfilling. Either way sorry for the length of this and it is somewhat disjointed. I just want to thank everyone for responding and sharing with me. You have no idea how much it was the boot in the ass I needed to quit blaming her and realize that I need to fix myself.

The internet did not hold back their thoughts.

DramaLlama90 wrote:

Surprisingly you qualify to take the ASVAB? Sorry to tell you man but anyone 'qualifies' to take the ASVAB.. and any score will get you a job in the military. Also if you do join the military.. you can say goodbye to this girl or the possibility of trying to work it out because you won't have the time, or even live in the same state as she does. Not to mention training time with no contact, deployments, etc..

And what do you mean by "I think I need to see her regularly to keep her from being something she is not". You mean from her making bad decisions? Or from your mind thinking about 'bad' things about her?

OP responded:

"You mean from her making bad decisions? Or from your mind thinking about 'bad' things about her?"

I know I didn't make that part very clear because honestly I'm not sure how to type this out so let me try and explain here, although I won't guarantee it will be any clearer. My therapist told me that, much to my surprise btw, I needed to not run from her or avoid her or any other type of thing.

I needed to face my fears and see that she is not something that has control over my life. I've been giving her, metaphorically speaking, the power over me since the not she broke up with me. I never truly dealt with her, even through the year and a half of therapy the best thing I could do was avoid her, cut contact with her, etc. Which for my sanity at the time was the best thing I could do.

However instead of just dealing with it I began to think of her in terms of an object and not a person and my emotions were quite frankly grim towards that object. When she thrust herself back into my life I was overwhelmed. I didn't know how to handle it nor how to deal with any emotions that were there.

You see I spent so many years thinking of her as a 6 headed hydra that when she jumped into my arms smiling and happy I was completely confused as hell. My anger wall that I had built up was as useful as a stick of unchewed gum trying to plug a leak in a dam, in other words not useful at all.

So what happened was that the love that I had for this person somehow managed to use a rocket pack and jettison itself from the bottomless hole I had thrown it in and came to the forefront. Then as the next two nights went on my hate and my love fought with each other like Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant, with my Hate being Hulk Hogan which eventually won.

Here is the thing and I am probably going to do another update tomorrow when they let me. My dinner with her last night went great I mean very therapeutic for me. When I walked away I was not crippled with anxiety, hate, fear or even love. She was just a person and I think for me anyway that this was a big step. Hell I asked another woman out on a date right after I talked with her.

aimforthehead90 wrote:

Don't tell her you will see where it goes. Tell her you can be friends and nothing else. Don't join the military. So many lonely, weak men join it thinking it will solve their problems; it doesn't.

Go to the gym, practice talking to girls and asking them out. You need to change your perspective on relationships. I really relate to your feelings, I am in a pretty dependent relationship with my girlfriend and wouldn't handle her breaking up with me well if it happened.

But you aren't entitled a relationship, and she isn't entitled a second chance. I think getting with her would always make you feel lesser and pathetic, because you did nothing but wait around for her to return while she went out and had a life (it would seem that way, anyway). You'll feel better keeping very minimal contact with her and moving on with your life, leaving no chance for a relationship.

Buddahrific wrote:

OP, I think you have a good head on your shoulders to not only avoid the insecurity that would let her shove her way back into your life, but also the resentment that would shove her back out.

You might actually one day be happy with her, but that day definitely isn't today, and a lot of people would either sprint across that bridge as soon as it was lowered or immediately burn it. Or just stand at its edge for a long time, unsure whether to cross it or burn it.

Four days later, OP shared another update.

Several things have occurred since my last update however things are pretty much evening out on my day to day life so I'm not sure from here if anything is worth updating going forward.

Last time I wrote I had stated I met with her but didn't really say what we talked about or anything. I also told you that I set up a date with a friend. So as to not confuse anyone I will say that my ex's name is Susan and the new person is Jenny.

After my emergency therapy session, which we are going to continue once a week for awhile just to make sure I don't have any relapse, I did my exercises and did a lot of thinking. It allowed me to look at my life and the situation in general and honestly I decided from that day forward that I wasn't going to let this situation run my life for even one more second.

I know I got a lot of advice telling me to not talk with her or whatever but the more I thought about it the more it just became clear to me that avoiding her, hiding from her or whatever else was doing nothing but me moving her to a hidden spot where I would not deal with her or the situation.

So I knew she was coming over so I called her and asked to meet her at a diner that we would not be disturbed. We sat and talked for a long time. Honestly it was empowering to set across the table from her and not feel like I wanted to curl up into a ball and pass away. I brought all of her letters with me and asked her if she wanted them back.

The first thing she wanted to know was if I had read them all and I told her I did, every single one. She said she would prefer if I would keep them, which I said I had no problem with. She wanted to talk about the letters, which I agreed to listen to her. She pretty much had poured her heart out in these letters and she wanted me to know that is how she still felt. I listened politely.

She talked a lot about her life post us and I never really asked her about anything because I figured it was none of my business. She kept wanting me to reassure her that she didn't hurt me and I just openly and honestly said that while it was not her fault how I dealt with the breakup I sure as hell was not going to tell her that I was okay with everything and that yes she hurt me like no other person has ever hurt me.

I was not mean about it and I was actually kind of proud that I was able to say it in a matter of fact type of way. She wanted to talk about her life with other men after me and I told her that honestly I wasn't interested in hearing it.

She was insistent because she wanted me to know how few (as though one more was somehow not enough) and how little any of them meant to her. Obviously she wanted to talk about being abused, which again I listened politely and intently. Obviously that guy and myself both reacted differently to her breaking up with us but neither of us handled it well.

She was hospitalized for two days apparently with head injuries and such. I told her I was sorry that happened to her and that it wasn't right. I think she was hoping I was going to be a little more of something at that point but I just kind of waited on her. We did some b.s. small talk as well, I know all about her jobs since then.

She wanted me to know that she was sorry for what happened and she tried blaming her new group of friends, which didn't even last till the end of her senior year, and I just politely told her that certainly outside influences may have impacted her decision but ultimately she is the one who chose to leave me, to see other men and explore herself.

I didn't agree with it but at the end of the day had come to peace with the fact that this is what she had chosen to do but under no circumstance was I going to shift responsibility of this to someone else. She agreed. Then it came down to the here and now. I knew where this was going to go from the letters she wrote me.

She wanted to come back, she wrote that she tried to come back not even three months after she left, but I was gone by then and obviously my parents were running interference and not letting her see me. I was as kind and polite as I could be with her but I just simply told her that I read the letters, thought about everything that she said and even tried to see if I felt like I could do it.

I was honest and just told her that while I had loved her with all of my heart and soul she shattered it when she left. I said that no matter what occurred that I just could not envision an scenario where I would not end up resenting her for leaving me to see other men.

I said that would not be fair to her nor frankly to me either. I did tell her about my theory of her not even being the same person anymore, which she did not really like this idea, but I told her it was the only way I could even sit her with her and not want to either rage at her or run off crying.

We talked a little more about my mental health, she obviously did not believe me the first time about not seeing anyone else and she was very upset that I had attempted suicide. Then I just told her the best thing I could offer her was that I could be her friend and would be willing to see her as a friend, which I explained was a major breakthrough for me.

She was very disappointed and started to cry but then she shocked me by sitting up and saying that she wasn't giving up. I told her she needed to live her life and not wait on me. She then said that she had decided that I had to explore the world but she was done exploring, she knew what she wanted and she was going to wait on me.

I told her again that this was a horrible idea because I was not saying I would ever be anything more than a friend and that I purposely was going to start dating. She just said that no matter how long it took she was going to be here for me and she was only going to be with me.

I decided this was backfiring to an extent but if nothing else she was no longer a larger than life figure. I got up to leave and she got up with me, as I bent over to get the check she gave me a hug and reached up for a kiss. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her that I had to go. She asked me for my number to text me, which I went ahead and gave her.

As I was leaving I ran into Jenny and set up the date that I mentioned in the last post. We went to dinner and saw Maleficent, which was actually more entertaining than I thought it would be. We then went out to drink some coffee and sat and talked for a couple of hours. It was amazing to sit and talk to another woman who actually seemed interested in me.

I was nervous as f- because I had never been out with another girl in my life. It went so well that we agreed to meet up the next day for a food festival that our city was having. We met at 11 and walked around all day, me trying not to eat my weight in food. She was just so easy to talk to, it was like I'd known her for years.

By 3p.m. I could no longer say that I had never kissed another woman. We had been through the fair 4 times when it just became obvious that we were done there but didn't want to leave each other. So we retreated to another park for some music but neither of us cared for the band that was playing, so she invited me to her place to watch TV.

By 7:30 I can officially say that Susan is no longer the only woman I've ever been with.

F#$king amazing. It had been so damn long period that I about passed out when I saw her without her top on.

Anyway that is where my life is now. I no longer harbor the hatred/resentment/anger towards Susan. I know she wants more but right now we are just friends. Jenny is amazing but I am not going to jump head first because I am just not that familiar with dating in general so I'm taking it one day at a time from here.

Oh one last little bit before I sign off. I met with the recruiter again on Monday and I got a cool guy who just shot straight with me. He told me that with my history of mental health issues that they would tell me to take the testing but the truth was they were never going to accept me in OCS and that in this day and age even basic might not be available.

It was kind of harsh but I appreciated him telling me like it was. I still respect the hell out of those guys but if I want something more its going to have to come from here. I've got some ideas but we will see what pans out. Anyway thanks everyone for suffering through my shit and anxiety. I've still got a road to go for recovery but I can honestly say for the first time for real that I am going to get there.

With all of the above in mind and I know I have gotten a lot of comments regarding whether or not I should continue to see Susan as a friend. My question is how soon should I share all of this information with Jenny? I kind of told her that I had a previous ex but she knows nothing about the extent of it all.

When should I bring up my severe depression and frankly my s#$ide attempt? I am deeply ashamed by it all now and I would really rather not tell anyone, however I think she has a right to know if she is going to develop feelings for me.

Tl;DR: Met with ex, went on date with new friend, life is much improved.

The comments kept coming.

Mindtaker wrote:

Good on you for realizing what was going on and that you need help and support. Its not something you need to tell a potential GF right now. You just went on one date man. It's not your future wife. Once you date more, and open up more to each other, that is when you can talk about that stuff and learn what kind of SO she will be.

Untill then enjoy things a bit before trying to sabotage them to make them go sh#$ty. Go no-contact with your EX. If you don't you might as well just admit that you like feeling like crap, because that is all that will be accomplished by having any interaction with her.

She wasn't a great GF, and any future lady who learns about her, will definitely question what kind of man keeps in contact with someone like her, and she will be justified in asking that. Because only an idiot would do that. Decent women aren't big on dating idiots who keep toxic ex-gf's around. If thats your style, get used to misery.

[deleted] wrote:

I would NOT continue any sort of friendship with Susan. I would go completely NC, how does a friendship with Susan really add to your life? It muddies the waters. Right now she says she will "wait" for you what if you get sucked in emotionally and she changes her mind?

I would progress with Jenny slowly. If it looks like this relationship with Jenny will be more than casual, then you can disclose. Right now just enjoy the time you spend with her.

k4m414 wrote:

Please don't tell Jenny all about your ex and your depression right now, or as another user said, ever unless she really drills you for information about your past relationships. It's already going to make her a teensy bit jealous that you've only had one girlfriend, one lover, when she's probably had a few.

Just say you broke up years ago, and don't tell her how hard it was to get over her. She will, like you have done in the past, end up putting her on a pedestal (in the sense that she'll never live up to what you two had, since it wrecked you so bad). Happy to hear your update! Good luck with Jenny :)

A few months later, OP shared another update.

Hey guys, it's been a couple of months and I kind of thought nobody was interested in how things were going but then the other day my in box started blowing up. Another poster was going through a very similar event as to what I went through. I sent him a p.m. and hope that my experience can help him along.

Anyway when last I posted Jenny & I had started to see each other and Susan & I had agreed to be friends with her holding out hope that some day we will get back together.

Against a lot of people's advice, sorry I just did what I thought was best, I came clean to Jenny about everything.

About Susan about the toll it took on me as a person, how poorly I handled everything and yes I was even honest about the s#$cidal gesture on my part. Contrary to what a lot of poster told me, this was the single best thing I have ever done. This opened up a dialogue between us and she has been another level of support that I never expected to have.

We spent hours and hours talking about both of our pasts, I know all about her ex's and issues she has had and she knows all about mine. As to therapy. I went to the emergency session and then I had two weekly followups after that then we did a session two weeks later and he and I both agreed that I am in a very good place and I am back to him being available for me if I need him.

I am making it a point to use Jenny as support but not to be so invested in her that I become unhealthy about it. In fact after the first month of talking about things we have kind of moved on to just bringing it up if one of us feels down for some reason and we both are great about getting each other out of that mood. When she comes into a room I can't be upset anymore.

As to Susan.

Well one thing I did learn about Jenny is that she is a very open and honest person and when I told her about Susan still being invested in me and waiting on me she told me that she felt sorry for her.

Then she did something that I still can't quite understand but she called up Susan and took her to lunch. Neither of them will tell me exactly what was said but both of them seem to get along now and when I've seen Susan for lunch Jenny was invited to come along by Susan.

It was an awkward lunch for me but neither of them seemed to bat an eye. Susan has told me that she thinks Jenny is a wonderful woman and will not do anything to interfere with us but wants me to know that she is still going to wait on me and knows that I am her one true love.

I've told her that knowing this its just not right for me to ever see her without Jenny being there as I would never want Jenny to ever suspect anything. We've agreed to basically keep in touch via text and only meet up when Jenny can be there. Overall life is so much better than I thought it would be. I feel like some guy who has come out of a 5 year coma and found out that life has gone on.

It's been a couple of months and I don't know the rules or anything about this type of stuff but I am ready to commit to telling Jenny I love her. I've never said those words to another woman before and that is something of a hurdle for me. I plan on telling her this week. Now I just have to hope it doesn't scare her away. :)

Thank you relationships you guys have no idea how much you helped me. In particular that first night when I about sunk into the same black hole I spent the previous few years trying to get out of.

TL;DR Life is good.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

Montaron7td wrote:

Jenny is handling it very maturely, but Susan has to go. It's all working now, but if she sticks around it's going to eat away at your relationship at some point.

Aboxofdongbags wrote:

Christ Jenny is right. I feel sorry for Susan too. Anyone that attached is borderline crazy in my opinion. You're in a healthy relationship with someone and doing much better for yourself and she still sticks around because she honestly and truly believes you'll come around.

jesteridiot wrote:

Susan needs therapy of some kind, and you should cut her out of your life. She's basically a stalker.

settler_colonial wrote:

If I was you I'd be keeping my distance from Susan. As in making excuses not to see her, ignoring most calls and disengaging from text convos. Don't have to no contact but at least model appropriate boundaries.

Jenny has been very understanding and is probably wise to keep Susan close but Susan being anything other than a very occasional presence in your lives will be a poison for your budding relationship. Despite what's been said there must be a level of ambivalence between Jenny and Susan. Side with jenny before she has to ask you to.