'My ex turned up last night drunk. Tomorrow is his wedding. Should I tell his soon to be wife?' UPDATED 3X

I was with my ex for 2 years. It was not the best relationship and we broke up because I moved for uni and just didn't want to be with him anymore. It has been almost 5 years since we broke up and I am engaged to be married with my fiance who is absolutely my soul mate.

Yesterday evening at around 22 o'clock he rang our doorbell drunk. His bachelor party was in the city I live in and he came "to see me." When my fiance opened the door my ex just started sobbing saying that he couldn't believe he (my fiance) was real or some BS like that. We took him into the apartment because he didn't look dangerous and he just vocally vomited before he actually vomited in our bath.

What I could gather is that he was still very hurt because our break up, that he thinks that we could have made it work. And he regrets treating me badly. He then threw up again and called an Uber to his hotel. It was very surreal. He was fine. We fed him waffles and ciffe to sober up and told him to write us when he was in his hotel to make sure he didn't pass away or something.

I was left with a weird feeling. Almost dirty. I am thinking of contacting his soon to be wife? Or should I call him to encourage him to tell that to his fiancee? Or should I not do anything and let this just be an anecdote for my future?

The internet quickly started leaving feedback.

Jtenka wrote:

Put yourself in his wife's shoes. Would you want to sign your life away to this person?

OP responded:

I guess I would want to know. But I also would prefer my partner to tell me that.

Adept_Award_3046 responded::

But would he tell her? By telling her yourself you risk not being believed or coming across as petty but at least you know someone tried to warn her.

IslandUniverse wrote:

I am actually on the side of don’t tell her...I would call or message my ex and say, “hey, what you did last night was inappropriate and I hope you have the strength of character to talk to your soon to be husband/wife about it. If you can live with it, that’s on you. Don’t respond or reach out, you’ll have been blocked. Goodbye.”

Mindtaker wrote:

While I know my post won't be popular even though I am on team tell her, and this will be the prevailing comment and probably most upvoted. Pretending thats what we are looking at is factually incorrect. Justifying only saying "Would you want to sign your life away to this person" is assuming knowing is going to make this woman leave. Thats only 1 possible outcome.

Which is why my comment will be more divisive. The odds of her using that info and leaving, so saving her from signing her life away to this guy, are so low. The most likely outcome is going to be her being called a lying b#$%h or some other very not-nice things, the guy will tell her she is the crazy ex that was calling HIM about HER loving him still and he shut her down.

Thats the odds on favorite of telling her. This sub is full of people who forgive a lot worse then drunken confessions of love. The least likely outcome is she says OMG thank you! and dumps him. Then he will return and be very angry, if he will drunkenly go confess love at her place, he will also drunkenly go and bash their car or try to start a fight with her fiance.

While I do agree telling is the way to go, no one is actually laying out the very real consequences she is going to face if she does tell the woman. Its not going to go smoothly. Either 2 people are going to lose their minds and stir up as much shit as they can. Or 1 person is going to lose his mind and possibly do something dangerous and very costly.

Hell I had a sh--ty neighbor slash all my tires. That alone costs like $2000 to get fixed not including the tow, unless they have 1080 P high tech security cameras all over the place a hoodie is all a guy needs to not get caught even though she and her fiance will absolutely know it was that lunatic.

It's not as simple as just a single phone call and its out of your hands. You have to be ready to face the possible financial and physical consequences of pissing of the kind of guy who gets drunk and just shows up two years later an at ex's place.

Not long after posting, OP shared two small updates.

Edit: Thanks for all the feedback. It's seems like people are as split on this as I am lol.

Just because this kept coming up : My main goal with telling her is not for them to break up. I don't want that and that's not why I would want to tell her. The reason for me telling her is solely that I would want to know if I was her.

Nothing else. It's also not me "bragging" about him not being over me. That's not something I care about and wonder how some of you twisted it into that.

Also a tiny update: I decided that contacting the bride was the wrong move because we are not friends. However I send his sister, an old friend of mine, a message basically saying to talk to her brother because he appeared at my door drunk and distressed and to make sure he was okay.

She thanked me for the massage and apologized profusely because my ex has been apparently acting a fool for a few weeks now leading up to his wedding.

She asked me if I was okay and if her brother had gone back to the hotel room because they couldn't find him. I told her he had ubered home and had written us that he had arrived in his room at arround 11:30 pm. She thanked me again and I haven't heard from her since.

Another update:

His sister called me again to ask me if he had come by or said anything about his whereabouts. Apparently he didn't show for the wedding and no one knows where he is. So me telling the fiancee is now obsolete.

The comments kept coming.

mrsshmenkmen wrote:

You (and your fiancé), handled every bit of this as graciously as anyone could expect. Contacting his sister was the best move you could have made.

Starlight_Sparrow wrote:

Oh damn he ran out on the wedding? That girl dodged a major bullet

psychme89 wrote:

Holy crap, the edits. I hope he's okay. Please update us if they find him!

Ten days later, OP shared another update.

I'm updating because I still get a lot of questions.

Long story short, he bailed. He decided he did not want to commit to his fiance bailed, and days later called to break off the engagement.

Bit more details:

After his sister and I talked, my ex's fiance reached out and was kinda mad. The best man had told her he went to see me. At first she was convinced we hooked up. So that took a bit of talking. I felt sorry. She was very distraught.

She apologized, I apologized and told her I wished her the best. Saturday I received a call from the sister. Apparently ex re- appeared. He went all the way to France. His sister called me to apologize because my ex had stolen one of my lipsticks. I honestly had not noticed but my ex admitted it to her. She paypaled me the money to buy myself a new one.

I said I was not mad and asked her how she was and how his ex fiance was. On their end everything is a mess. Everyone is mad at him. I don't know many more details and was kinda not willing to ask.

But yeah that's it.

Unsurprisingly, the comments kept coming.

thebluehawk wrote:

What an impressive spectrum of dickish behavior.

All the way from bothering an ex by showing up drunk the day before his wedding, to then bailing on the wedding and disappearing, then stealing a lipstick. This boy needs therapy.

NatureCarolyngate wrote:

Your ex was your ex for a reason. That guy was a mess and a nightmare. He did his fiancee a favour and she will realise it soon.

No_Satisfaction3819 wrote:

He stole. A lipstick? A lipstick? What? Who does that? It's so bizarre it's funny. Stealing a lipstick of all things. And then his sister paypaling you for it. Thanks for the laugh.

OP responded:

Our guess is that he just grappes the first thing he knew was mine, that was small enough to fit in his pocket.