'AITA for not letting my ex come to a gynecologist appointment with me during my pregnancy?'
"AITA for not letting my ex be present during the gynecological exam?"
seagullbp writes:
My ex (M, early 30s) and I (F, late 20s) had a complicated on-and-off relationship. Then, after we had broken up again, I found out I was pregnant. I told him, even though I knew our relationship was over. He made it clear several times that the pregnancy wouldn’t change our relationship status, even though we still shared some intimacy and complicity.
He said he’d be present as a co-parent when I decided to keep the baby. However, he expressed doubts about my ability to be a good mother and even said something that haunts me to this day—that an "accident" ending it all (implying our lives) might be easier.
Shortly after, I began experiencing symptoms of a possible miscarriage—bleeding and cramping. I was terrified and reached out to him, asking for his support and presence, as he promised he’d be there in case of a miscarriage. But he said he couldn’t come because he didn’t have access to a car. He stayed in touch over text, but I spent that night alone, scared, and in pain.
The next day, he encouraged me to go to the hospital and said he would meet me there. When I arrived, I decided to ask him to stay in the waiting room during the gynecological exam. It was an incredibly vulnerable moment for me, both physically and emotionally, and I felt I needed privacy to process the results before sharing them with him.
At that moment, I knew deep inside that I had lost the baby. Given the fragile state of our relationship and some of the hurtful things he had said previously, I didn’t feel comfortable having him there during such an intimate and painful experience.
He was upset, saying that I excluded him and disrespected his role as the father. He told me later that this decision confirmed for him that we shouldn’t try to maintain any further connection. After the hospital visit, he didn’t check in on me for several days.
I mourned alone. When he finally came over to talk, we had an emotional conversation. I cried heavily, and just before leaving, he passionately kissed me goodbye, left, and cut off all contact.
I understand that he was shocked too, and I didn’t mean to exclude him. At the time, I was just trying to protect my mental health and cope in the best way I could. Yet he doesn’t understand my decision and said he’d resent me his whole life for this. Now, I’m questioning whether I handled things the right way. I never intended to hurt him. So, AITA for setting that boundary during that vulnerable moment?
Here are the top rated comments:
CrystalQueen3000 says:
NTA. It was happening to you and it was a medical appointment, you don’t need to let anyone in if you’re uncomfortable.
AZCAExpat2024 says:
NTA. He is. He told you you would be a bad mother and fantasized about you dying. Then claimed “rights” as a father over a miscarriage. What a horrible and abusive man. If/when he tries to contact you do not start up with him again. There will be a man worthy of you in your future.
notheretoargu3 says:
I had to stop reading at the suggestion of an accident. Regardless of any other information however, you’re going into a medical examination. Nobody that you want there is entitled to be there save the doctors and nurses involved. NTA.
Fragrant-Reserve4832 says:
I am all about dad's being involved. There are times we need to take a page from our grandads generation and stfu, sit down and wait in the waiting room.