'My ex wife wants to try again. Our divorce was amicable. What should I do?' UPDATED 6X
There are times when love swings around and makes a full circle, AKA a relationship that you thought was over comes back for a second round.
'My ex wife wants to try again.'
Hello guys. My wife and I divorced five years ago. It was an amicable divorce with no resentment on either side, simply we were too young and she had to move away for her career. We kept some contact over the years. Last year I lost both my parents in quick succession. I did my best, but it's not easy.
When ex wife heard of it she immediately reached out and I supported me. Thanks to her, I pulled myself back up. Now, we have obviously started to reconnect, and she asked if we can try again, now that we are both more mature and in better places. Not get married again right, away, but rekindle our relationship.
I feel conflicted. I did not completely lose my feelings for her, but recently I have started dating a girl and she knows this. She said she doesn't want to put me in the "uncomfortable position" of choosing, but that's what she's doing. I don't know how to proceed. With the other girl we are just in the early dating, so my ex wife is not intruding on an established relationship.
The internet had a lot of comments and questions.
Every_Thought5834 wrote:
People do grow and sometimes come back together after divorce.You are now wiser. My personal opinion is to put your dating relationship on hold until you sort this out.Good luck.
OP responded:
You are right. I'm not a player and I want to be trasparent with both of them. Ex wife had a funny way of putting it, she said it's like a job interview and I have to pick whom I think it's the "best candidate."
Frustratedcomments wrote:
Follow your heart. Good luck.
OP responded:
Thank you, still easier said than done. Heart says one thing, but the brain the exact opposite.
virtualchoirboy wrote:
If you spend enough time on the relationship subs, you'll see the expression "an ex is an ex for a reason". It's true but doesn't always tell the full tale. The other half of that is honestly reflecting on the reason (or reasons) why that person is an ex and whether or not those reasons are likely to resurface.
That assumes, of course, that you get to the point where you are seriously considering trying again. Thus, for me, the first step would be to evaluate ALL the reasons why the first marriage ended and whether or not they're likely to be an issue in the future. For example, you say she had to move away for her career.
So why didn't you go with her? Or why weren't you enough for her to change jobs and stay with you? I don't need the answers. I'm just asking to give you something to think about. The other thing to remember is that you're not picking up where you left off. You can't because where you left off is 5 years in the past. This would be a brand new relationship.
You've both changed since the divorce. You've both grown in different ways. For all you know, you're completely incompatible now because of new things picked up since you split. If you were to go down this path, you should absolutely treat it like a NEW courtship - first dates and all. Tough position to be in. Looks like you have some introspection to do.
OP responded:
You are right and you gave me a lot to think about, thank you.
Right off the bat I can say she did change in personality: she was curt and had a short temper. Now she's much more nuanced and laid back.
BillResponsible9425 wrote:
Honestly I had a situation like that right before I got married to my now husband. I simply asked myself could I live without my now husband or the other man. I came to the conclusion I would rather want the other man than need my husband. I NEED the love I have for my husband I NEED to wake up and see his face everyday. I NEED to know that he is safe everyday.
I NEED to make sure that he is never hurt by me or any other woman ( because he is so giving and kindhearted) I NEED to be his helpmate. I NEED to feel his love for me everyday. I NEED the way he reassures me. I NEED the way he is patient with me. I NEED the way he never yells (no matter how upset he is.) I NEED the way he is always concerned about my happiness.
Those are just the things I could think of really quick. But when you make this decision write down what you truly need not just what you want and go with what will help you wake up every morning. Just like working. You NEED to work to survive and that is the one you go with. Not a easy decision but it will definitely be worth it.
OP responded:
Thank you for sharing your experience. I will weigh both options and try to also see it logically.
Two days later, OP shared another update.
My ex wife and I divorced five years ago. Divorce was clean and amicable so no hard feelings. She reconnected with me last year after my parent's death and recently asked if I can consider giving her another shot. Today she told me she has been gotten tickets to the opera for next Saturday (I love opera and classical music) and invited me.
She also proposed to have a dinner at the restaurant before the show. Does this mean she's serious about us? When she sprung the idea on me I had already started casually dating another girl (she likewise sees other people), if she's really serious about us I am thinking of breaking it off with the other girl.
Basically she said she recognizes she didn't behave fairly with me and wants to at least try to make things right, that she sees we both matured and have a real shot at making it.
Comments came rolling in.
CharacterTwist4868 wrote:
I think you should talk to her about it. Sometimes all we need is a little time to grow and then we find each other again.
OP responded:
I definitely will. We talked a bit, but talking some more won't hurt.
L1feGuard87 wrote:
It definitely sounds like she’s serious about it. That being said though you don’t say why you guys split up in the first place just that it was amicable. I would say you need to really evaluate why it happened and make sure that the same problems/issues won’t reappear this time. If you guys have worked past them then great! Go for it.
nonamesleft74 wrote:
I think you should keep seeing both of them. I would take the approach the new person you need learn about and figure things out. If your ex-wife wants to rekindle she has to take the risks and prove that to you. I would keep your options until then. I am guessing the ex-wife was the one who wanted a divorce in the first place.
OP responded:
Yes, she was the one who filed the divorce and left. She did apologize about that recently.
nonamesleft74 responded:
I figured as much. You sound like a nice guy, that is why you need to be careful. She divorced the nice guy, to test the field, and now wants to come back. I am sorry about your parents. What would they have thought about getting back with her after the divorce?
OP responded:
They still liked her so probably they'd be happy. She says she understands if I don't want her back and won't hold it against me.
SomeRazzmatazz339 wrote:
And why did she file, what has changed?
OP responded:
She wanted a career abroad.
JayLovesBooks wrote:
If my wife and I had divorced, and years later she asked to see me again, I wouldn’t agree to a date. Instead, I’d say “Let’s just get together and talk and let’s give ourselves enough time to make it a long, unconstrained, unrushed talk.” I wouldn’t need or want to see a movie or opera with her. I’d already know what dates with her were like…instead.
I’d want to catch up - see where her head is at...see what her thoughts are concerning me.. have her hear my thoughts concerning her…all that stuff. And if…after that one talk…we decided to explore getting together again, I’d stop seeing that other girl. It’s unfair to that other girl to “compete” with an ex-wife, and unfair to the attempt to reconcile with your ex if you still have another girl on the side.
OP responded:
That's why I wanted to break things off with the other girl immediately.
NotUrAvgJoeNAZ wrote:
My lady and I took a 2-year break. For the last 22 years she's been my wife. Perspective and growth can definitely happen. Best of luck to you two. Sending you good vibes from Arizona.
OP responded:
I am happy for both of you.
DifferentManagement1 wrote:
Are you still in love with her?
OP responded:
Not sure. I have feelings for her, positive feelings, but I'm not sure if that's love.
Nine days later, OP shared another update.
Hello, just letting you guys that we had our date and she just dropped me off at my place. She came to pick me up with her car. She was beautiful, I mean she always is, but in her dress she was breath taking. First we went to dinner, then to the opera.
She insisted to pay for everything, I know she can afford it with her career, but she was adamant that since she asked me out the tab was hers. I think she studied the whole thing in details to win me back, and honestly she's already succeeding.
We talked a bit in her car before she left me and we shared a small kiss. I do think she is damn serious about giving us a second chance. She even thanked ME for accepting her asking me out. Adding some details about our divorce. It wasn't due to cheating or anything traumatic, she was pursuing her career and we drifted away.
She said she came to regret leaving me and not fighting for our marriage, especially after some really bad experiences she had with guys after me. I do think she is sincere and her motives are genuine. I am comfortable financially but she's become way more wealthy than me, which is fine since she worked hard for her career.
I don't have any resentment towards her leaving me, I had some at first but being on my own helped me mature and experience new things and relationships. I did pop her the one million dollar question: if I take her back, could she still leave me out of the blue? She replied she learned to never make the same mistake twice. I feel fuzzy, hopeful maybe, and my head won't stop spinning.
One thing I forgot, regarding the girl I was dating before ex wife and I reconnected. She knew about this, and although both her and ex wife said that for now I don't have to be exclusive, I am going to talk with her and end things. We just casually dated so I don't think she'll be heartbroken (she was seeing other guys too), but I'm not a player and I don't want to lead her on especially if things progress with ex wife.
The internet was fully invested.
Formica_Dinette** wrote:
Agreed. If you wanna make things work with the ex-wife, it has to be just you and her.
OP responded:
That's what I think. She said she's not asking me to be exclusive right away, but I think that having another girl on the backburner is not right.
Lil_fire_girl wrote:
Wish you the best. I respect that you both were mature regarding the divorce, and your question regarding her not leaving you again is valid. Just make sure you are willing to trust her, otherwise it will be a fruitless effort.
OP responded:
You are right. I am willing to trust her, if she keeps up what she's doing I have no reason to doubt her. I am a bit guarded, but she understands. It's not like we have to jump straight into another marriage, we can take things slowly and see where it takes us.
arobsum wrote:
Sounds promising. I say go for it. Best of luck brother.
OP responded:
Thank you.
TaiwanBandit wrote:
Take it slow, like first time dating. You mentioned you were dating someone else 11 days ago. Don't burn her with your ex. Let her know the truth. Good luck. It could be time to get back with her. No hurry. Are you and ex in a more stable time with your careers? Think that is what caused your breakup last time. Take care.
OP responded:
Yes, I am already planning of having the talk with the other girl. I won't lead her on, she knew about ex wife and I think she already sensed things will end between us.
ThatWideLife wrote:
So grass wasn't greener on the other side? I'd be extremely cautious about all of it. Things might seem lovely at first because she's trying to get you back. Long term when all the hormones and feelings subside, do you actually think it will work?
You know from experience she can easily end the marriage so what's stopping her doing it again? My advice is tread carefully and don't get married again. Marriage clearly meant nothing the first time so why dig that hole again?
OP responded:
I think only time will tell. Naturally we aren't jumping into getting married again.
Five days later, OP shared another update.
Hey guys, it's me again. Some of you said that after last Saturday's amazing date she took me out on, the ball was in my court. So I made my move and invited her out this Saturday too - I was thinking of taking her to beautiful historical village in our area, which is also holding a festival for the spring.
I was a bit nervous about asking her because it's not as fancy or exquisite as what she did for me, but she immediately said she would love seeing the village! There's more: she mentioned she had a client scheduled on Saturday morning, but she assured me she was rescheduling said client so we could have the whole day together.
I was dumbfounded, back when we were married she was adamant that her career was her priority. And now she's chosen ME over something related to her career. I don't have my parents anymore, but my sister and my aunt are still here for me and generally they always saw right through people. They agree that she's not just serious about us having another go, she is DAMN serious.
Some of you commented or asked about her financial situation. Like I said, I am comfortable financially and I enjoy my own career. She's become very, very successful financially. She has two cars which are more what I make in a year, and her place is one of those new, ultramodern mini-mansions.
I admit this intimidated me a bit at first, but I told myself if she reconnected with me, it was because of me as a person and not my status, so I am doing the same, although I genuinely admire what she achieved.
Also, to address some guys implying she just had fun and dated around in the last five years: it's not like I sat in a dark room alone all that time. I dated, had my flings, even a two-years relationship. So I too come with some extra mileage.
But what matters now is that we both want to give us another try. I wasn't sure about my feelings towards her some days ago but now I know that I still love her and never stopped, and she most likely feels the same.
Maybe I do have the head in the clouds now, but I am determined to show her she made the right choice in reconnecting with me, and we can overcome any obstacle we might find on our path. I feel that this time it will be different Anyhow, for now I'll just focus on having fun together on this date and many more to come!
The internet was fully invested.
Krakens_Rudra wrote:
Why not, you both are grown adults. My advice would be to take things slow and enjoy the ride, see where it takes you. If you both are meant to be, then you are meant to be.
Just don't confuse lust with love and you both are in a unique situation here. You aren't strangers. You both know what didn't work out and what did. See how it goes. All the best.
OP responded:
Thank you. I agree with the advice of not getting confused into lust. And I believe we have matured to the point we can sit down and find a solution for any problem that might arise in the future.
tercer78 wrote:
Just be sure y’all talk through things that caused stress and eventually ruined the relationship. Cancelling work plans now when the relationship is in the infancy and the honeymoon phase exists is nice. But will she still feel the same way and prioritize you when y’all have settled into a relationship?
I think it’s really important y’all discuss what didn’t work for each other the last rodeo and be sure those same relationship patterns don’t exist. If she really is married to her work so to speak then it may explain why she struggled to find a partner. Maybe you were the only one that tolerated it the longest as compared to others. And would you be ok with it if it’s still her priority now?
OP responded:
You make very good points. Our marriage basically broke down because she wanted us to move to another country for two years for her career, and I has my misgivings about it. So she went off alone. We talked about this. I asked if this situation could happen again.
She said she might have to take business trips, but nothing longer than a week, and even then no more than a couple of times per year. I am willing to work with that.
gapeach2333 wrote:
I just wanted to say I am loving this little saga and I hope you keep giving us updates! Have a wonderful time on Saturday!
OP responded:
Thank you. I do hope to have more happy updates in the future. Not necessarily getting remarried, but just being together and happy would be perfect for me.
Adorable_Active8914 wrote:
Before you get too serious I would have a frank and honest conversation about why you two broke up in the first place. Hopefully she doesn’t make the same mistakes twice. I don’t like seeing anyone get their hearts crushed; especially for a second time. This is why I don’t recycle but that’s just me. I wish you all the best and may love triumph.
OP responded:
I understand your concerns. We did talk about this a couple of times, and we'll most likely talk about it again. We concluded that we fixed at least some of our issues after the divorce.
Four days later, OP shared another update.
Hello guys, I'm back. Many wanted to know how it went. We had a very fun date and an amazing weekend. We were supposed to get back home and/or end the date in the afternoon, but got so caught up in the festival's activities, then I wanted to show her a popular landmark in the area, then we got back at the festival in the evening...
It was almost midnight when we got back, and long story short, I ended up spending the night at her place. Maybe it's the afterglow speaking, but I think we could really have something good going. We agree that we have both matured from five years ago and the feelings we had for each other never went away. But we have also changed as people, so of course it's different now, and in a good way.
I guess that the only thing to do is to go forward and see where this leads. I'm quite optimistic, but I also understand we have to communicate and be careful to not fall back in the same issues that ended our first relationship. Of course we aren't talking of remarrying anytime soon, and we very well could not remarry at all. We'll take our time and see where this relationship leads. Wish us good luck!
The internet was quick to respond.
Low-Bullfrog-8429 wrote:
You only have one life. I’d tell you to give love a chance. Stop worry about the what ifs. Stop thinking it will be the same again, because you two have grown tremendously. Life isn’t waiting on anyone and I think you two should move at the pace which is comfortable to you both and not listen to people. I think this time it will be wonderful.
My husband and I got married one year after dating (long distance plus Covid). We’ve been living together for over two years and this year makes it 3 years we’ve been married. It has been absolutely amazing. I wouldn’t change it for a single thing. A lot of persons kept giving their opinions to take it slow and I should be careful, but a few told me to give love a chance.
No one will be going through this but you and her, if it feels good and you see all the good signs just follow your heart. I would say to talk about everything. Leave no stone unturned. Kids, finances, religion. Everything. You two won’t be on the same page for everything, but I think there are somethings you can work with and some you will know if you can’t and determine the best thing to do.
Hot_Needleworker1185 wrote:
Well OP I am happy to hear that it's going well with you both and that you both have matured.of course it's gonna take some while before you both can become one again.I AM ROOTING FOR U GUYS 👏 Good luck.
Byzfan wrote:
Wishing you all the best, OP.
Remember, healthy relationships need trust, respect, and boundaries. That you need to both give, and receive.
A week later, OP shared another update.
For context, we have been divorced for five years, she reconnected with me last year and we started dating last month. Things are quite good for now, but like many people said we are still in the honeymoon phase so it's waaay too soon to tell. We mostly go out on fun dates, and we celebrated Easter with my sister and aunt, whom welcomed her back with open arms.
We ended up again talking in her car as she drove me home (I swear guys, I have my own car and licence but she always insists on driving herself). Maybe I was a bit tipsy, and I told her how much she's changed, in personality and appearance and standing. She said I changed little if not at all, and that's why she wanted to get back with me.
She said I think I have changed, but she saw I am still the same optimistic, kindhearted fun guy she knew, especially after she saw how I am dealing with losing both my parents and how I dealt with another deep loss two years ago.
I thought I had grown a bit jaded and maybe pessimistic those years, but she said it's not the case. She says I have matured, but deep down I am the same. I think she too has matured in those years, way more than me.
Just sharing some thoughts.
The internet was happy to hear such a positive update.
Madshadow85 wrote:
Just reading between the lines and a random dude on the internet. It sounds like she is attracted to the fact you have not changed and if you have she can’t admit it. It also seems she has realized the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence and is looking for something familiar. I have no idea who ended what.
Sounds like she might be a little more humble and appreciative. Just enjoy each other’s company, go slow and see where things go.
OP responded:
"Sounds like she might be a little more humble and appreciative."
Tbh I really see this of her. She is amazing and she is way above me in terms of career, income, overall in life. But she never held it above me. She says we are equal on the things that matter.
Taiwanbandit wrote:
So far sounds all good for you and her. Your family welcomed her back so no hard feelings there. If no significant changes in either one of you then no long-term damage was done when you separated. Most changes as we age are external.
Her always wanting to drive could be a sign of her controlling the situation a bit. But if you are cool with it, so be it. No hurry, no finish line to get to. Take care OP. Enjoy your time with her.
OP responded:
Thank you. I am cool with her being in the driver's seat, literally and figuratively. She's already gave me a lot of agency, it's only fair to give some reciprocity.
Veronika9216 wrote:
I think she was speaking from her heart. I have the impression she never completely stopped loving you even if she left you. Usually saying that someone never changed is not meant as a positive thing, but she did.
I agree with others who said you are her safe place, but I also believe she came back with the intention of staying. In my opinion she never stopped thinking of you (and missing you) all those years.
OP responded:
Thank you for your kind words. To answer your question...in my last long term relationship, we were expecting our baby. It didn't go well and my girlfriend at the time lost her pregnancy. We grieved and tried to make it work, but we didn't last. My ex wife knows about this. She's been very tactful and understanding about this loss as well.
Two weeks later, OP shared another update.
Hello guys, hope you are all doing well.
My ex wife of five years reached out to me last year after my parents' passing and she's been a support for me ever since. Last February we resumed our relationship and things are going pretty well.
We did talk about our new relationship in the long term, and we have agreed we are in no haste to get remarried anytime soon. However, she would like for us to explore the theme of children at some point in the future (a couple of years). The topic of children is a bit sensitive for me because I lost a child in a previous relationship with another woman while we were divorced (miscarriage), and it was heavy.
However, I would be open to get on the topic if things keep going well in the next couple of years. Ex wife knows about this and has been very respectful about it, and agrees that now it's definitely too soon. However she wanted to put all her cards on the table, and I appreciate her being straightforward.
She asked me to consider moving in with her full time at some point this year. Her house is very spacious and she says it's too big for her alone. As of now I sleep at her place a couple of days a week and she sleeps at mine in the weekends.
We are also planning a long romantic weekend at my parents house for next week. So things are good. We got the "serious talk", but for now we will keep taking things slowly, enjoy each other and exploring our new relationship. At this point I am not even sure if I should call her "ex wife" anymore? She says that girlfriend is just fine.
The internet continued to express their support of this romance.
OverratedNew0423 wrote:
"We are also planning a long romantic weekend at my parents house for next week." -said no one ever
Sounds like yall both matured and can communicate well. Be sure to discuss all issues that led to the divorce. Don't just rug sweep.
OP responded:
I know it sounds kinda weird...should say it's my house now. It's small but very cute and in the countryside. We do a lot of talking about our past marriage. We both admit that we could have fixed our issues if we tried a bit harder, but maybe our separating was needed for us to mature.
Veronika9216 wrote:
I like how you and your (ex?) wife are approaching this. She is very direct about her expectations but also very patient and respectful. If you guys keep communicating like you are doing, I think you have a real shot at this.
OP responded:
Thank you. Lack of communication was a big reason our marriage failed, we don't want to make the same mistake again.
Agitated_Pilot_3055 wrote:
I am so happy for you. My wife and I know that you can come back from a breakup. After ten years, our marriage hit a wall. But there was always something powerful between us that wouldn’t die. With lot of counseling, we came back together. It’s been 38 years since then, and life gets better and better.
We are so happy together and grateful to eachother for not giving up, for finding our way back together. Of course we probably still squabble as much as ever in terms of frequency, but never the intensity. The intensity is saved for another area. Best. With all the sad stories here, it’s great to hear your story.
OP responded:
That's amazing, I am happy for both of you!
This is refreshingly wholesome.