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'My family excommunicated me. Now, they contacted me out of the blue. What should I do?' UPDATED 4X

'My family excommunicated me. Now, they contacted me out of the blue. What should I do?' UPDATED 4X


Once someone has fully excommunicated you, is there ever true hope of reconciliation? That is a big question, that inspires a wide range of responses from the internet.

"My family who hated me to the point of excommunication contacted out of the blue. What should I do?"

When I (26F) was two my parents had another child who we shall call Emma. Emma is a smart, disciplined and, very kind person she's my family's favorite. I come from a very rich and known family in China we have several company and properties so that's why everything she want is always given while I had to do extra chores just to get extra allowance.

When I was 14, I was given a red pocket for Chinese New Years, Emma also got one. When we opened it Emma received a bunch of red bills. If I remember correctly, she got 12 red bills signifying they want her to have a prosperous new year and hope that money will never be a problem for her. I got only 6 red bills I cried saying it's not fair.

As punishment for my tantrums my parents took my red pocket and told me to go to my room, I remember being comforted by Emma and she even offered to split it in half but I declined and told her to leave.

It's been that way since every Chinese New Year, Emma always receive 12 items such as gold and money and even receiving blessings and praises from the elders while, I the eldest always got smaller amounts and as I grow older I received a smaller amount due to their excuse that I'm getting old.

Anyways, two years ago for the Chinese New Year my family went all out, even as far as to give all the employees a red pocket that is very thick. When my grandfather started giving every grandchild their red pocket, everyone but my sister got one. It was suspicious but I didn't care.

My grandfather called for Emma and told her to take this, he handed her an envelope and when she read the contents of the envelope she started celebrating. Turns out she received 12 percent of one of the companies my family owned. I was mad it was not fair. For context, in order for me to receive extra money for my school, I started working at the company.

I learned everything that needed to be learned. I started projects that benefited the company. I did everything to boost the sales, yet all my efforts were not rewarded. Instead, they gave Emma the rewards I deserved. I saw red that day. I lashed out at everyone, questioning why i didn't receive the shares, that it was not fair and Emma didn't deserve the shares.

My emotional outburst was met with criticism. My father got up and slapped me and told me I was an ungrateful child and screamed at me to get out of his house, as he does not want an ungrateful child to stay at his house anymore so I left. I didn't even pack. I just left and drove off.

Two years had passed, and I moved to another country I didn't contact any of them nor did they contact me. I didn't bother to find out what happened after I left. All I know is they basically disowned me. It was ridiculous to disown me just because I lashed out at them. Anyway, on February second my father emailed me asking for my attendance at the Chinese new year at their house.

When I read the email I cried. There was nothing else, just asking for my attendance, not even telling me they were sorry. I had a mental breakdown that day and even took a 2-day leave at the company I currently work for.

I didn't respond and now 3 weeks later I received another email asking me to visit China to spend time with them, even offering me to pay for my tickets and allowance. I'm hesitant to reply, but I want to go back to China and spend time with my Gong-gong should I go back.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update with some clarifications and context.

My family is very strict so my emotional outburst was seen as a defiance

Q: How would you know that they hated you?

A: My father fired me after i left and banned me from stepping foot at the mansion and the companies we owned, I was also not allowed to visit any properties. My mother told her friends that she wished she never gave birth to such defiant child. I cried at her words because how could a mother wished her child did not exist?

My brother blocked me at his social media account but I saw his final post before blocking me it said do not contact (my name) she is not our family anymore we have no more ties with her. Emma was also mad because she thinks I look down at her. My aunts, uncles and cousins decided to not talk to me so basically I was excommunicated.

Then she jumped on with yet another update.

Minor update: I responded to the email and sent them this following question and message "Why did you contact me? What is your purpose for contactin? How are you and the family? That's all I asked, I will give an update if they contact me again.

She quickly received an email back, and shared another update.

Hello everyone, here is a mini update regarding the email. My father responded to my email, saying he contacted me because he missed me, and he was apologetic for how he treated me and wanted to reconcile. I sent another email with a link to a video call and told them to call me at 2 p.m. (Chinese time).

In the call were my mother, father, brother, Emma, and my grandparents from the paternal side. We gave each other basic greetings and talked about what was happening in China and my life here, but I got tired of small talk, so I started asking why my efforts were never rewarded and why they were.

Always strict with me, and I got an answer in our culture that being born in the year of the dragon was a lucky thing; it means you will be blessed and always dominate whatever field you work in. Emma was born in the year 2000, so that's why my paternal family saw it as an auspicious blessing and decided Emma should be around the company more as she may bring more blessings.

It basically explained why she always receives twelve items while I only get what they give me. I never fully hated Emma, but I admit that there is a feeling that will sometimes arise when I feel that they prioritize her again. As for me, it was not planned back then; my parents only wanted a single child, a boy.

I was born three years after my brother, and although they cared for me, my parents had a hard time loving me as they saw me as an extra child. I asked them why they had Emma, and they answered that Emma was going to bring blessings to our family, and I broke down and screamed that it was not fair that I was their child too.

My mother and father broke down, saying they were sorry and if they could turn back time, they would love me more. They said it broke their hearts to see one of their children grow without them overseeing my progress. They regretted not being at my piano recital and not being there when I graduated from high school.

I cried saying its not fair that I didn't get a happy childhood and basically at that point everyone started crying. I asked why did they not reward my efforts at the company and my grandfather admitted that his views were outdated and he did not want me to get any position at the company.

But he apologized saying he broke my heart with his actions and told me if I move back there he'll give me the position of director (I know what you are thinking the company is going down that's why they want me back but nope the company is still strong and provides a stable income) the call lasted for 1 hour and basically we talked about the family how my life here is.

I even told them that i went to the Taylor Swift concert in Australia. My parents were happy that I was happy so they offered to buy me floor tickets at Taylor's concert at Singapore. My mom told me that Gong-Gong misses me and to come visit him in Shanghai. She even told me she'd pay for my tickets and hotel just to visit them. I accepted the offer.

I know how I could just forgive them like that, but honestly, I miss my family, especially Gong-Gong, so I'll be flying back at the end of February, so I'll give an update once I get back.

The internet was super opinionated about this saga of family reconciliation.

Present-Background56 wrote:

I'm sorry that you've been treated this way. Clearly, you deserve much better from family.

I'd guess that they want something from you that only you can provide - related to finances, medical/health, perhaps.

These people have already shown you who they are. Nothing has changed. If they want to see you for you, then they can come to visit or agree to a neutral location. If you're curious but want to protect yourself, suggest a virtual meetup - they'll make it happen if they want it badly enough.

shmoesfome responded:

I agree with this. You have made a life for yourself and learned you can survive without them. You are a pretty tough lady.Odds are their request is based on purely selfish reasons. Protect yourself. Start out slow - a virtual call is a great idea.

Make sure you have someone there who supports you and has your back when this call takes place. Make sure you mentally prepare yourself. Don’t let them tear you down again.

Old-Meal2640 wrote:

Do not go back, they want something from you. You have moved on from that life so stay moved on for your own sake.

queenlegolas wrote:

Don't go back, they probably want something from you. Organ, or Emma can't have kids and wants you to be a surrogate, someone is ill and they need you to be a live-in maid, it could be anything. Block them all. None of them deserve you. Don't tell them where you are, what you do, nothing. Could be someone is terminally ill and they expect you to forgive them and emotionally blackmail you.

Six weeks later, OP shared an update.

I met up with my family at a hotel in Guangzhou and we had a heartfelt talk, I tried not to speak with my parents and siblings but they kept asking me things about my life abroad and what I work as. My aunt may have seen my discomfort so she told them to let me eat first. I admit it was quite awkward since to me the pain of rejection and betrayal is still fresh.

When we were done eating we started having a conversation my aunt encouraged me to speak my heart out and tell all the wrongdoings that were done to me. After I was done, I was tearing up, luckily we were in a private room so I cried my heart out that night. My cousins comforted me and fed me moon cakes. The night ended with all of us crying, overall we had a slight reconciliation.

They asked if I wanted to go back home but I declined saying I had a plane to catch up to they were shocked thinking I'm already going back abroad but I said I was just visiting Gong-gong my mother told me to postpone the flight so our entire family could visit gong-gong. I agreed so I canceled my flight, I booked a hotel as I didn't want to be back in the place where I was humiliated and betrayed.

I spent my remaining time with Gong-gong which was two weeks, but during our tea, he gave me a folder and told me to open it and I got the surprise of my life, it was a legal document that contains half of the company my Gong-gong owned he told me that life keeps screwing me over (it's not accurate but it's what I interpreted it as).

He told me I deserve all the success I achieved and he is giving me full control of the company he owns once he passes or when I'm ready. I cried and my family was happy for me and overall I finally felt that I'm needed and appreciated.

Anyways the entire trip was too long for me to share everything that happened so I'm only writing the important events thank you for all your support and kind messages it helped me see the bigger picture and guided me to make the right path


Hello everyone thank you for your comments but I would like to clarify one thing my gong-gong is the only one who supported me the past two years so I assure you there is nothing suspicious with his actions.

The comments came rolling in.

Trick_Delivery4609 wrote:

I'm worried about you. Either the family knows you are inheriting half/ all the business and that's why they are being nice all of a sudden . Or worse, you are being given a bad business with lots of debts. Check in with a lawyer or PI. Take everything they say with a grain of salt.

bhvneit wrote:

I smell a rat. There is something going on with the business or company that you are not aware off. I cannot believe that in just two years your whole family had a change of heart after going to the extent of disowning you. Nah!!

I think you need to find out what is actually happening in your company. What has prompted them to give you ownership of half the company? To me it seems like a trap.

ForgottenCrimsonWolf wrote:

Success OR debts and legal problems when your name is there in the ownership of the company. I don't want to burst your bubble, but people don't change their personality and behaviors in such a short period of time. Normally, they change because there's something they want from you. If there is no ill intention towards you, then good for you. But don't forget to ask yourself this:

Why did they choose to transfer the ownership to you, someone who is a black sheep of the family, and not someone else in the family who they have been so much closer with compared to you?

Will you trust the people who hurt you so many times without feeling guilty before, suddenly express caring about your life, to not hurt you again so easily? I have a feeling that you might have low esteem problems and thus, you are an easy prey for people to take advantage of.

Ownership on paper is one thing. Who is the one that is actually running the business and know everything about it? Because the truth is if someone do something wrong that lead to legal troubles, you will be the one responsible for all of that even if you do nothing and not even know about it. Also, just because you are their boss doesn't mean they will listen to you.

Glad that he is the one who really cares about you. Nevertheless, please still be mindful of your other family members, the ones who hurt you.

Wish you good luck!

RedsRach wrote:

I’m so happy for you lovely. I hope that, with time, you start to heal from all of this and I’m glad you have some recognition. Be cautious with your heart, I wish you so well.

Serendipity_310 wrote:

I'm very happy for you But I've seen to many C-drama's to not be suspicious of this

Enjoy but don't let your guard down Keep waiting for the other shoe to drop If you can afford it get a pi and start investigating don't get blindsided again.

tooearlytoothink wrote:

I'm a jerk here, I would accept half the company, argue for a share in the other companies, and when the dust settles, sell what you can and run away.

Hopefully, for OP's sake, everything is above board.

Sources: Reddit
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