'AITA for ignoring my family after they excluded me from Christmas (again)?' UPDATED
"AITA for ignoring my family after they excluded me from Christmas (again)?"
For context, I (29F) have not been on great terms with my family for a long time. My mom has spent most of my life doing everything she can to tear me down, and as of now, I haven't spoken to her in almost three years.
I have an okay relationship with my brother (32M), and I love my dad even though he enables my mom and never stands up for me because he doesn't like to rock the boat. Until a few months ago, I lived pretty close to my parents, but I recently moved across the country, and I don't have any friends or family anywhere near my new home.
I love holidays and celebrations, but no one else in my family does. When I was younger, they used to make fun of me or get frustrated when I would try to be festive around Christmas, and eventually, I stopped trying. For the past decade, my family hasn't done anything for any holiday, and I have become okay with that.
However, my brother (who lives in a different state) got divorced a couple of years ago, and his ex took their house, so my parents bought a duplex in his town so that he could live on one side with my 4-year-old niece, and they could live part-time on the other.
They still have their house in my hometown that they live in most of the year, but for the last two years, my parents have gone up to stay in their side of the duplex for the whole month of December, and they've celebrated Christmas with my brother and niece.
Last year, they didn't even tell me they were going; I found out from my dad's Facebook. It hurt that they decided to celebrate Christmas together and didn't even tell me, but I shook it off. This year, though, they did it again. My dad called me on Christmas Eve and told me how much fun they were having as a family, then asked me what I was doing for Christmas.
I told him I was doing nothing—I don't know anyone in my new city, and my family is all celebrating Christmas without me. He paused like he hadn't considered that, then quickly got off the phone. He later sent me a selfie of them all together, saying, "Merry Christmas from (brother's state)!" I didn't answer.
Actually, I stopped answering at all. My dad and I usually talk 2-3 times a week to check in, but he's called me once and texted me twice, and I haven't answered since Christmas Eve (seven days ago). I've also not been posting on my socials, and given that I'm not answering him or posting, and I'm all alone in a city far away, he really doesn't know if I'm alive or dead.
He texted me yesterday, saying, "Please tell me if you're OK," and I haven't responded. I know it's petty, but I'm really hurt that I wasn't even thought of for the family holiday. Even if I had been invited, I probably wouldn't have gone just because I don't want to be around my mom, but being left out entirely really hurts, and having them rub my face in it with their selfie is even worse.
I've been ignored by my family my whole life, and I'm tired of trying. I don't know how to say this to my dad, and I don't want to talk to him until I know what to say. AITA for maintaining my silence?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Philip_J_Fry3000 says:
NTA, your dad couldn't be bothered to tell you where they were going last Christmas and this year thinks it's a good idea to send you a selfie from this year's family gathering. The fact that he has to even ask if you're ok after that is tone deaf as f%#k. The fact that he forgets his role in all of this is wild.
OkStrength5245 says;
It is time to admit that your familial relationship will never mend. Go out, find people, do hobbies , see concerts and fairs. Build yourself a new family. Next year, publish the photos of your festivities with " your new family." Keep silent.
britegy says:
NTA - the definition of family is coming together through thick and thin during moments like the holidays. Your father cannot expect to have a relationship with you without inviting you to participate in major family events.
alcapwn3d says:
NTA. Sometimes the worst breakup a person has to go through is with their own family. Protect your peace, and surround yourself with people who want to be around you, and include you.
Almost 10 months later OP posted this update:
I didn't think my post from last year was that interesting, but a surprising number if people have asked me for an update, so here it is.
After a couple weeks of radio silence I followed some good advice from my original post and texted my dad to tell him it hurt my feelings that they left me out, he half apologized, and life went on. A lot of people pointed out that while my family was toxic, me ignoring my dad was also pretty toxic, and they were right.
My family is super passive aggressive and that is the only way I'd ever learned to handle conflict. And to answer some more comments, I have been in therapy for about 6 years, and after last Christmas I started working with my therapist on how to do healthier confrontation.
It's still not something I'm super comfy with, but I'm getting better. I've also made a good number of friends in my new city and am doing pretty well all things considered.
With my family, at the end of the day nothing has changed. They didn't really acknowledge my 30th birthday in spring, and most recently when I invited my dad to my grad school graduation next year he told me that he "couldn't commit to it right now" because he's waiting to see if something that he'd rather do comes up.
My brother said he'd come, but he's already gone from a 'yes' to a 'maybe' so I don't have high hopes. The good news is that it finally hurts less because I have more or less given up on having a real relationship with them.
'm never going to be loved or cared about by them the way I want to be, and I've come to accept that. As of now I have no plans for Christmas this year, but it's ok. My family sucks, but I'm really lucky in my friends, and I'm grateful for that.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
You're ignoring them is only toxic if you’re doing it as a punishment. If you’re doing it for self-preservation, it’s wise. Talk with your therapist about this.
snoregasmm OP:
If I'm being honest it was more or less 50/50 self-preservation and punishment. It is something I've worked on in therapy since last Christmas though.
If you have available time, may I recommend volunteering for a local charity related to Christmas? There are a lot of them that do toy shops, food for families, etc where you may find a lot of joy if you love Christmas and it could also be a great way to meet new people you have something in common with.
snoregasmm OP:
I'm not sure if I'll have time this year because I'm in the trenches of my grad program, but this is an excellent idea and if I can't do it this year I'll look into it in the future
A little over a month later OP posted this, "I got my niece the loudest toy possible for Christmas."
Hi, for context you can look in my post history, I posted in AITA last year about my family being really emotionally neglectful for my whole life and doing stuff like always forgetting my birthday or excluding me from family celebrations (like Christmas, weddings, etc). It's always a bummer and last year I really broke down about it, but I've been to a lot of therapy in the past 12 months and I feel okay with it this year.
That being said, my older brother has a 5 year old daughter who is the only kid in the whole family other than some distant cousins. She's the first grandkid on both her mom's side and her dad's side, so she's the center of pretty much everyone's world.
She's super cute and funny and energetic, and she's one of the few people in my family who I actually have a good relationship with. She and I have a particularly close bond, and I know it bothers my mom that she likes me more than her.
Anyway. She's an only child so she gets spoiled by everyone, but since I'm the coolest aunt ever I spoil her more than most. I don't see her a lot because I live across the country and also my family sucks, so I usually mail her a big box of gifts every Christmas and then again for her birthday.
This year I once again wasn't invited to spend the holiday with my family, but that's not super surprising so as per usual I found her a handful of gifts and just mailed off the box today.
Now, I love my niece with my whole heart. She's the best kid in the entire world, but she's still a kid. And like most kids, she can be super annoying. This is totally normal and not a criticism of her at all, it's just a fact of life that children can be irksome.
And being that I'm not invited to Christmas (again), I figured I don't have to worry about maintaining a peaceful holiday for my family. I also can get a little bit of revenge for all the holidays and birthdays that they've ruined for me in the past.
My niece is super into Kpop Demon Hunters right now and likes to sing all the songs and dress up like the characters. Since she's into playing popstar, one of the gifts I got her is this super cute "sing n bling" karaoke microphone that comes with rhinestones so you can bedazzle it and can use it with built in speakers or connect it to Bluetooth.
It is a real karaoke mic, not a super good one or anything but it's not a kid's pretend microphone and has decent reviews for it's loudness, and I know she's going to love it. She already never stops singing, and the moment I saw it in the store it's like I had this moment of divine inspiration.
Since I was a kid my family has had a rule that they'll never tell any of the kids to stop singing because my grandparents used to tell my mom not to sing and to this day she has a chip on her shoulder about it. When I was a kid my older brother went through a beatboxing phase and no one was allowed to tell him to stop, it was one of the most annoying 2 months of my life.
Even me, the family's black sheep and lifetime scapegoat, was never once told to stop singing. Everyone loves my niece, I know for sure no one is going to tell her to stop or take the mic away from her. I know it in my bones.
It's super cold and snowy where my family are right now, like "roads aren't bad because there are no roads" kind of snowy, and they're all sequestered together in a fairly small house.
Their holiday is about to become a horror movie to the soundtrack of Kpop Demon Hunters, they are trapped inside and there will be no escape from the worlds tiniest popstar. She's going to terrorize the entire household. Every time I think about it I start giggling like a mad scientist. I wish I could be there to see their faces, but of course the whole point is that I'm not there and I don't have to suffer with the rest of them.
Of course realistically if it gets bad someone can just take the batteries out of the mic, but I'm guessing at least for the first few days she's going to be belting her little lungs out at full volume. I'm sure it won't actually ruin the holiday, but it will definitely ensure that it isnt a peaceful one. I hope my niece has the best Christmas ever.