'My family RUINED my wedding,' 'my mom consider that she could be wrong.' AITA?

"AITA for wanting an apology after family ruined my wedding?"

I (30F) have been with my Husband, C (30M) for 8 years, married for 3. This is about my Mum, A (60F) ft. Stepdad, P (65M). Mum and I were very close when I was younger but I’d notice things like her saying how proud she was I’d been accepted to study abroad publicly.

Then privately say "I can’t believe you’re leaving me" and saying I couldn’t cope. I ended settling for a course nearby. When I left home she’d say how successful I was publicly and then in private say things like "I’m not a bad mum, why are you leaving."

When I met C things were great, the families all got on and we were all close. Sadly, we lost his mum who was his best friend 5 years ago. In a lot of ways it broke C and it fractured my relationship with my mum.

I want to say it started small but no, within 2 weeks of her dying my mum had asked about inheritance and what C will get when my FIL/S-MIL dies (C’s parents were divorced and his mum never remarried). After this, almost every conversation was about money and how everything was really hard/expensive. Any offers of help are refused but she won’t stop talking about money.

We could have gotten over this but she also (imo) ruined our wedding. A year after we lost C’s mum we got engaged and realized we couldn’t imagine having a big wedding without her.

Paired with family politics we decided to have a private ceremony abroad and a blessing at home. That way our loved ones would see us "get married" but the actual day would be just for us.

My mum lost it, tears, threats of "I’ll just turn up" and emotional blackmail of "I’m not a bad mum, why don’t you want me there?" We also had P screaming down the phone because we’d "made her cry and should be ashamed."

To keep the peace we said they could come, then they said they couldn’t afford it. We picked up half their bill and invited more guests so it wouldn’t just be them. This turned our low-key wedding into a whole stressful event.

We lost friends, arguments about people coming alone who wanted plus-ones, or people feeling they should be invited but weren’t. I’m not placing all the blame on mum, but if we were allowed to get married alone none of these arguments would have happened.

It’s been years, but part of me still regrets it. I love my husband more than anything but our wedding is a sore spot. We don’t have photos up and I sold my wedding dress as soon as I could. We’re talking about renewing our vows just so we can do it again.

This has come up a few times with mum because she hates that we’re not as close and it always turns into tears and "I just really wanted to be there" or ‘I’m not a bad mum, why didn’t you want me there?" She refuses to see our feelings or her part in it.

I’d give anything to hear "we know it wasn’t what you wanted and we’re sorry, but we’re so grateful." I really struggle with the fact that she won’t consider that she could be wrong. So, AITA for wanting an apology?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

TheTruthHurths said:

You're only being an ahole to yourself sadly and you deserve better. You also deserve way more than an apology from your mum. The selfishness of parents astounds me sometimes.

She's constantly making everything about her, she's clearly got some deep rooted insecurities if she's constantly looking for reassurance from you and seemingly trying to insert herself into your adult life rather than stepping back and being proud of raising a daughter who has found happiness and is clearly a caring compassionate human being.

Do you feel you owe your mother something? Why do you keep tolerating her behavior? Might be time to put some distance between you.

GenxBaby2 said:

You chose to have a different sort of wedding than what you wanted. Also a different education than you wanted. Your mom sounds manipulative but you can't blame her for your own inability to stand up for yourself.

You are NTA for wanting an apology but it doesn't seem likely that you will get one, certainly not a sincere apology. I think you'd be better to focus on the future and how you can stick to what you want than to relive your regrets of the past. If you decide to renew your vows I hope you manage to do so without telling her as you don't seem able to stand up to her.

[deleted] said:

NTA for wanting an apology, but come on, you must realize you will NEVER get one. You are letting her emotionally manipulate you. Start controlling your contact with her, first by not telling her everything, and then limiting conversations with her, truncating them when she starts her guilt trip spiels. You know, there are courses regarding "assertiveness training". Find and take one.

Outside_Explorer_29 said:

NTA but also Not Realistic. Your mother sounds like a selfish piece of work. Everything is about her. Even your achievements are a reflection of her. You'll never get the apology, at least not without some kind of caveat attached to it. Real remorse requires introspection and being willing to sit with the wrongs you've done and do the work to earn forgiveness.

Your mother is like a child who thinks that she should get forgiveness just by demanding it. And, in her view, you're the monster for calling her anything but an angel because of all she's supposedly done for you. Sounds like she's got some narcissistic traits.

Don't hold your breath. You'd be better off not having an expectations of her and keeping her at arm's length. It's sad but better than being continually disappointed.

Silent-Commercial-46 said:

NTA. But my question is why do you keep telling her stuff. Like your real wedding was abroad not just saying its the one there. Not like its had to get a friend to pretend to officiate. My suggestion, is to remember that "knowledge is power" and not give any more then necessary to ppl.

ext2523 said:

ESH. I personally find "wanting an apology" incredibly obnoxious, especially after 3 years. If you've talked about and the other party doesn't know or doesn't care enough to have given one already, then move on. What's an apology worth if it's forced and they don't actually mean it? You gave in and damaged whatever other relationships from the wedding, that's on you.