'My fiancée filled our house with pink pillows despite knowing I hate the color, and now says my opinion no longer matters. AITA?'
"My fiancée filled our house with pink pillows and now says my opinion no longer matters. AITA?"
I’m (44M) a pretty simple guy. I don’t try to make my bedroom this grandiose thing. My style choice is making the bed so it looks nice and simple, with no extra fluff or decorative pillows.
When my fiancée (43F) and I moved in together, she started putting some blue decorative pillows on the bed. I have to admit, it wasn't bad. She asked me how I felt about it, and I told her honestly that I actually liked the changes. She then asked, "What about pink pillows?"
I simply stated no. There are really only two colors I don't like as decor: pink and yellow. Pink because I've just never been a fan of that shade, and yellow because it triggers a very bad childhood memory for me. This conversation happened 3 years ago, and over the years she would occasionally make comments about it, so I know she never forgot my stance.
The Issue A few weeks ago, she bought a bunch of pink pillows for the bedroom and the living room. It bothered me to no end. I figured I'd try to just get used to it, so I decided not to bring it up.
Lately, I haven't really been hanging out in the living room or the bedroom like I used to. Instead, I've been retreating to the only room in the house that isn't completely turning pink: the garage, which we semi-converted into a second living room. (It still has 2 pink pillows, but that beats the 6 in the main living room and the 4 in the bedroom).
The Confrontation For some necessary context: We've been getting into fights almost every weekend lately. I will say or do something stupid, and she will go off on me, saying things like, "You don't let me be a person." Because of this, I've been trying really, really hard to hold my tongue when I have issues with her and just be supportive.
Yesterday, she noticed my withdrawal to the garage and explicitly asked for my opinion on the new decor. Because she asked directly, I didn't feel like lying. I told her the truth: I absolutely hate the pink in the living room and the bedroom.
She went off on me again, repeating that I am "not letting her be a person," and explicitly told me that she has decided my opinion no longer matters. I tried to keep the peace and just avoid the rooms, but when asked directly, I answered honestly. How should I handle this?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
ESH. She shouldn't have tried to bulldoze you and make decisions about decor unilaterally. You, on the other hand - 6 pink pillows on a sofa is enough to make you not want to sit in a room? Are you serious? Do either of you even like each other?
My thoughts exactly, but also: her saying "you don't let me be a person" sounds like there's something else going on.
ESH. Y'all got bigger problems than the pillows.
So pink isn't a trauma color for you, you just hate it with so much passion you'll avoid rooms that have too much of it? Y'all need therapy, because this is exhausting. ESH.
"We've been getting into fights almost every weekend lately. "
I think the pink pillow club is just the tip of the iceberg, and there's some deep underlying issues underneath the surface. ESH for taking frustrations out in petty squabbles, rather than talking and working things out like a long-term relationship should.
ESH - if this was a healthy, stable relationship this wouldn't even be an issue. You'd have made decisions together and compromised to have colours and things you both like. It sounds like you guys need to talk about whatever the actual issue is or call it quits. This is clearly about much more than some stupid pillows.
There is way too much left out of this. Why does she feel you are not letting her be a person? Decorative discussions should be done mutually. When I wanted to change the pillows on the couch, i went and bought three sets that I liked and asked my SO which they liked better. We went with that option. Knowingly picking something your partner isn't going to like is not "not letting her be a person". It is just selfish.
But I think there is something more going on here. Are you controlling in other ways? Do you frequently that things be done your way? Do you have strict rules? Do you determine what you both do socially?
You need to have clear and non-confrontational discussion without getting defensive. There should be zero reason why pink pillows could not have been discussed, so that they could be returned. Also what are you saying or doing that is stupid (your words "I will say or do something stupid")? I need more context. Right now it sounds like you two need to move on.
ESH, but you more. The sulking over a COLOR GTFO. It she was assaulting you with yellow, your trauma color, I'd give it to you. But "I just don't like the shade" and can't be in a room over a few pillows? It's actually insane. What do you do at the park when you see flowers of that abysmal hue?
She sucks too though. She knows she's with someone neurotic about color and is pushing it. The reason you suck more is that there is no way this is the only "I don't like it so you can't" on your list. I'll bet that is the crux of the "stupid" stuff you say every weekend and end up fighting over.
That would make the "not letting her be a person" comment make much more sense. This cannot all actually be able pillows. Why would either of you choose to be in a relationship where you fight every weekend? And over something as silly as pillows??
Bruh, the color of the pillows is not the issue imo. That being said last I checked you said both of you are in your 40’s. The fact you gotta “hide” in your garage to avoid the color and a fight about said color is ridiculous. And she doesn’t get to tell you that your opinion doesn’t matter.
Y’all need to have a serious conversation about boundaries and expectations before making things final. Otherwise this will be your life for the rest of your “married to her life”. I feel exhausted just reading this, I can’t imagine spending the period where I’m supposed to be happiest and with the person I love most being so damn awful.