'My fiance tried to get revenge on her childhood bully and it turned our lives upside down.'
"My fiance tried to get revenge on her childhood bully and it turned our lives upside down. I lost all respect for her and I think we are done."
I am a grown woman in my thirties, who is (currently) engaged to another grown woman in her thirties. I'm both furious at my fiance and disgusted with her. I doubt our relationship will survive this and I have already been looking into new living arrangements.
My fiancé (Ella) and I have been together for 5 years. We both struggled a growing up as queer kids, her more than me. Ella identifies as "butch" and has since she was a "tomboy". Last year, she started going to a therapist she found through an anxiety support group on this site. That was the worst decision I have seen someone make.
Her therapist did nothing but tell her she was right any everyone was wrong. Ella brought up being teased in school and her therapist thought that was the root cause of her anxiety. Ella started talking about the girl (Bev) who she decided was the cause of her mental illness.
Bev, apparently used to call her a pig for belching in the lunchroom (in middle school). My fiance said she used to use "gross out humor" and her male friends encouraged it. I told her it sounded like they were the bullies but she shut it down. Her middle school years were rough because she was the "gross and dirty girl" nobody liked.
What she went through was awful, but she decided Bev, a girl she hadn't seen in decades, was the cause, just because she was thr first to call her out. Ella has ADHD and is a major people-pleaser so I can see how she would act like that to impress her friends without catching on with how nasty it was.
For the past few months, she's been telling me that she wants to confront Bev for her part in her trauma. I told her it was ridiculous but her joke of a therapist agreed with her. Weeks ago, I found out that she had found Bev on Facebook (now married with a life) and Ella has been stalking her.
She calls her workplace to tell them they hired a sociopath, called the police to make sure her kids weren't being mistreated, made insane posts under a burner account, and left reviews under her jobs google reviews about her. Her victim finally pressed charges because Ella decided to "confront her" at her job and record it.
Guess what? My fiance got harassment charges since she had been proud of what she's been doing. She posts online about getting "pro revenge" and the younger people encourage this bs. Ella's online behavior became public and she lost her job because of it since she worked with kids.
She insists that her behavior is due to her PTSD that her joke of a therapist suggested she has. I can't take this and I left to live with my family. I never imagined her doing anything like this. She is obsessed with fake "pro revenge stories" and seems to think she's the hero in this. I reached out to Bev to apologize and the woman begged to be left alone.
She apologized for calling her gross in the 6th grade and I said she doesn't deserve it. Ella is mad because I told her I probably would have acted the same at that age when some kid was belching and making fart noises all day.
This whole situation is ridiculous and my fiance is acting like a trauma victim. She is ill alright with, just not the way I believed she was. Nobody is on her side besides her online enablers. I have never been part of something so ridiculous and I think I'm going to cut my loses.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
solidashford wrote:
Ella didn't want a therapist; she wanted an enabler.
I'd be cautious, record every conversation or let all her calls go to voicemail. Leave nothing that isn't written or recorded because she could very well do this to you.
OP responded:
I will not be seeing her in person and I have our animals safe with me. Her family is supportive of me and her mom keeps apologizing. I'm sure her parents will keep her under control since she is unemployed and has a good amount of debt I had been helping her with. She needs real help and I hope that thr courts will make her get it.
Webstoweave wrote:
"Bev" doesn't even seem like a bully, just a kid who wanted to eat in peace.
OP responded:
My ex's mom had made comments about the phase my ex went through at that age. She would burp very loud, usually in class and the cafeteria, made farting noises when people walked, and would pretend to pick her nose. It was old school Nickelodeon magazine humor that inspired it. She is embarrassed when her family mentions it.
bippityboppitynope wrote:
Cut your losses, she has gone off the deep end. Lock your credit and be prepared to be the new target though. I'm so sorry.
OP responded:
Thats' what I'm doing. I wrote this this morning while I was crying and upset after a heated text exchange from her. I have been with my family all day and had the most stress free outing I've had in years.
Dutchdig wrote:
What will you do when it's your turn to be her victim?
OP responded:
I'm sure I will be her next narcissistic ex.
No_Cricket808 wrote:
Your fiancee is very mentally unbalanced. Stay safe and away from her or you WILL get drug into the mess with her somehow.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this and I wish you the best.
OP responded:
I won't be seeing her in person again. She does not know where I am. Thankfully our bank accounts and bills were not merged so this will be a clean break. A hard one, but I will not have any legal attachments to her.
pillowcase_of_eels wrote:
Oh..wow. Is there any way you can report her therapist? There seems to have been a pretty long period of escalation during which she was enabling this obsessive behavior.
OP responded:
I doubt she's even a real therapist but just a "yes man" her online friends suggested. She had paid out of pocket to just be told she is the victim in everything. She went though therapists she decided were "narcs" before this .