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'My fiancé is ghosting me on our wedding day. How can I calm my anxiety?' UPDATED 4X

'My fiancé is ghosting me on our wedding day. How can I calm my anxiety?' UPDATED 4X

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Being ghosted never feels good, but being ghosted on your wedding day? Now, that's a bottom-of-the-barrel experience.

"My (28f) fiancé (30m) is ghosting me on our wedding day. How can I calm my anxiety?"

TL;DR at the bottom. (28f) am getting married today to my fiance (30m). It's the legal document signing and our ceremony is on Saturday. I haven't slept in 24 hours I just am feeling so much anxiety. For reference we were together/living together for about 3 years before becoming long distance for one and a half years.

I'm back in the country for a week to visit him and family and to have our wedding. For the last month he has been ghosting me for sometimes even weeks at a time. I know it's because he's going through a mental health crisis, but no matter how much I tell him his actions are causing me pain and straining our communication, he can't change.

When he goes through rough times he absolutely shuts down for everyone, especially me. It hurts so much every time knowing that even the person he says is his best friend and future wife, he doesn't trust or respect enough to share or ease his pain. I thought coming back to the country and the marriage would wake him up from his ghosting tendencies this past month, but it's not.

He had a very important meeting at work yesterday that either meant he'd get a raise or be unemployed, and now I don't hear anything from him at all. He's ignoring my calls, he's ignoring my texts (and there are read receipts so I know it's intentionally ignored). It's the morning of, and we are literally set to sign our marriage paperwork in a few hours from now.

But I was up all night because I can't shake the anxiety that this isn't what he wants. That he's just doing this to "appease" me despite this being a joint decision. I still can't even get a hold or reach him. I try so hard to communicate everything with him, but this hurts me deeply, down to my core.

Part of me wants to drive over to his apartment and beat his door down and just demand answers as to how he could treat someone he claims he loves this way. But I know he'd just shut down further, say he's sorry, and then bury himself deeper into his guilt and depression.

How can I be supportive through his mental health crisis while also keeping firm on the "this is 500000% some disrespectful and harmful behavior that is absolutely unacceptable" in my opinion. When we were about to be long distance he begged me to try it out because I knew his inability to properly communicate his feelings would be miserable over long distance.

But he begged me and promised he would change. I would say he did improve but if this last month has shown me anything it's that I'm about to marry someone who has no qualms and sees no consequence in ghosting your spouse for weeks at a time. This whole thing gives me so much anxiety I have no idea what to do.

Any advice on how to calm my anxiety or maybe try to be more supportive to coax him out of the horrid way his depressive episode is manifesting would be greatly appreciated. Before I forget, yes of course I've tried to get him to see a therapist or get on medication. For years. There is basically a 0% chance that, if it's coming from me or anyone in my family, he would ever listen to that advice.

It's incredibly frustrating and not an option that I can even bring up with him anymore without the conversation devolving and him shutting me out even further.

(I will not be tolerating or responding to any accusations of him cheating or people just saying don't marry him. He is loyal but has a multitude of mental health issues, and I will marry him regardless of what anyone says on the internet. I just want some advice is all.)

TL;DR: My fiance keeps ghosting me for weeks at a time and he's doing it again even on the day we are getting married which is causing me insane anxiety.

Not much later, OP shared an update.

Edit: I won't be reading anything anymore, and please stop messaging me. If you see a woman who is genuinely struggling with something and clearly has no one else to turn to for advice other than random people on the internet and your response is to ridicule her and call her an idiot.

Then congratulations my last idea of seeking help has failed.

Clearly I had no one else to go to, it's my wedding day and I'm online. I don't know why I expected anything less than hate messages and ridicule.

Maybe there isn't some magic way to help him through this period of grief, but I didn't think I deserved to be sent all these cruel messages so instantly. To the people messaging me and calling stupid, idiotic, doormat, and that I deserve whatever unhappy life awaits me, you've won.

People kept it real in the comment section.

Icy-Original wrote:

He’s been ghosting you for the last month and you thought marriage would fix this? You don’t want anyone here to tell you not to marry him when that’s the most logical and smart decision here. You’ve created your own misery and are determined to continue doing so so what do you want from us?

We can’t make him unghost you and we can’t make you feel better about this decision you know is dumb as hell. You have a man with mental health problems that refuses to get help, that’s causing severe relationship issues and you’re willingly signing yourself up, aligning yourself legally to have more of these problems till death do you part?

When you have kids and he ghost you then what are you going to do? I hope you get what you deserve from this situation. Whatever that entails.

OP responded:

This marriage has been planned for much longer than just the last month. It wasn't some solution I created by myself. And it isn't no contact for the whole month. Just a week of no contact before he comes back and apologizes for the absence due to unavoidable life events. Then contact for a week before another week of no contact before something else comes up.

We spent the whole day together 3 days ago, but because of the meeting yesterday it's now been a day and a half of nothing again. To answer your question of what I'd like, compassion and actual helpful advice was what I was searching for. Not judgment and malice.

pitathegreat wrote:

I’m not sure what advice you’re looking for. He has a history of ghosting you. He shuts down any discussion of therapy. You’re hoping for some magic words to change him, but those words don’t exist.

This is the man you are marrying. He’s not going to magically change. He doesn’t need to. You know he’s like this and are adamant that you are marrying him. So, voila! I present your chosen life partner. This tone is a bit b#$hy, and I somewhat apologize. But you’re falling into a trap I’ve gotten to see in person.

Friend is in a miserable marriage, 100% responsible for all child and home care, their spouse is verbally ab#sive and lazy. Friend complains, and it takes every amount of restraint I have not to shake them. Their spouse was always like this! They were lazy when they were dating! They treated them like s##t when they were dating! We expressed concern at engagement!

Now, shock and horror, spouse is the exact same person they’ve always been and friend is despondent. But don’t tell them to leave!! So now here you are, wondering if he’s even going to show up. This is the life you are willingly signing up for. Please don’t be my friend and in 15 years look at your life and realize you are stuck.

Forward-Cockroach945 wrote:

"But I was up all night because I can't shake the anxiety that this isn't what he wants. That hes just doing this to "appease" me despite this being a joint decision." There's a reason you've been up all night with alarm bells ringing in your head.

Is it even healthy for him to completely uproot his life to move to Japan if he's already struggling so heavily with his mental health? Getting married to someone in an ongoing mental health crises puts that marriage on a very rocky foundation at best. Ask yourself honestly what you would tell your best friend if they were saying all of this to you.

Does this seem like a healthy rational decision to make at the moment? There's giant red flags scr*aming at you and your instincts are trying to tell you something. Listen to your gut He's not likely going to change, especially if you marry him. The status quo is working for him in the sense that you put up with being treated so poorly.

Solid change takes a ton of work and effort. Effort he has told you he's not interested in even attempting to start. Is sacrificing your own mental health really worth this? You are setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. This is not a sustainable way to live and will manifest in affecting your mental and physical health.

OP responded:

I'm sure you read my previous posts, but he is not uprooting his life to come to Japan. That was a long time ago.

Forward-Cockroach945 wrote:

That's good. Please listen to your instincts. This behavior is likely to escalate the more he ignores dealing with it. You deserve happiness and good health. Your partner's current behavior is going to wear down your shine and your health the longer things stay this way. If you two agree to marry on Saturday please understand you're in for a long hard road.

EvenMoreSpiders wrote:

Do not marry him. You love the idea of him. You love the potential of him. He is not that person right now and he may never be. You deserve someone who can be a true partner to you. I wasted so much time on someone just like you have, they lied and left me hanging for over a month once and tried to come back like nothing had happened and I let them at the time. I wanted to believe in the things he told me.

I wanted to believe in his potential but that was never who he was. Don't chain yourself to someone who isn't worth the effort. Love yourself more than that because it's what you deserve. You deserve to be happy and this man can't do that for you, he can't even do it for himself. Leave him. Please.

The next day, OP shared an update.

My life was great. My relationship was great. Until yesterday it suddenly wasn't. The last month felt a bit off but I didn't think it would lead to this. I still love him intensely. He still loves me intensely.

He wants to stay with me it's just that he says he can't do marriage because he can't untie the trauma he has from the idea of it from his childhood (cult stuff). My mom says I'll be a pathetic f#$king loser if I still stay with him regardless and that he'll never be a part of the family. But I want to stay with him regardless.

But I don't know if I can live with the constant fear, anxiety, and insecurities that will come from being with someone who can just leave whenever he feels like it. My wedding is on Saturday and my family still wants to have it since it's more of a small family gathering already anyways (since his family wasn't invited due to cult stuff). My life as I know it feels completely over. I don't know what to do.

The person I turned to for empathy and compassion turned to me scr*aming that I'm a f#$king idiot. I'm only in the country for my wedding, I live abroad. My new job and my fiancee pressured me and reassured me I should already use my new married name professionally. I'm a teacher and all my kids already know me as his name.

Everything sucks and I can't stop sobbing.

Edit: to clarify. He left me while we were about to sign the marriage certificate. It's a symbolic left at the altar since there was never going to be an actual altar anyway.

Not long after posting, OP added yet another update.

Update: I told my mom that the way she phrased her advice/opinion was cr*el. She told me she's tired of my drama and doesn't need it in her old age. I already had told her she was right and I knew what she said was right, but just that the way she said it was cr*el. She said she no longer cares about maintaining a relationship with me and that it isn't worth the drama at her age.

I apologized because she's right. I'm a piece of s#$t who never saw that this situation hurt and humiliated her too. I wanted to just have this be a nice party with friends and just spend time together. I'm going to try my best to keep my negativity inside so it doesn't spoil the mood and maybe there's a hope to salvage it as a good party.

But I think once I return abroad that this will be the last time my mom will ever speak to me again. I don't know how I could repay her for all she spent on this wedding, but hopefully removing myself from her life will maybe make her life more peaceful and less stressful, even if it destroys me. As for him, thank you all so much for your kindness, advice, and perspectives.

It truly makes me feel better to read the comments even if they hurt and I deserve it. We will be talking about it tomorrow in person, and I've scheduled an emergency therapy appointment for myself for tomorrow morning. Ive never done therapy before, and I'm scared, but I know it's what I need. I'm so angry at him for ruining my entire life that I don't know if the love I have can salvage this.

The comments kept coming in.

Geezell wrote:

No, hon. You can’t be with someone who cannot effectively communicate their fears and needs and, instead, choose to run. He failed you. He does not get to treat you like that. You deserve better. Your Mom may have let her anger for you make her word things poorly but she is right.that dude does not get to have his cake and eat it too.

Go back home. Go no contact with him. Finish out the teaching contract as it. Then, my recommendation is to find a teaching job in a dream location. Maybe, be a traveling teacher for a few years. Heal. Live big. And, if you wish, find love again.

OP responded:

I am a traveling teacher already. I'm home right now just for the week so that I could do my wedding. Back to where I live abroad next week to live a life of isolation and loneliness.

thunderchaud wrote:

Please elaborate on cult stuff, that could literally be anything.

OP responded:

He's seen marriage used as a way to entrap and oppress women due to the cult culture of his family. He doesn't understand that what he's done is created a tilted power dynamic where he's holding all the power and autonomy and I'm the scared, anxiety riddled one terrified he'll leave at any moment in any possible future we may have now. Which is honestly worse in my opinion.

detikripur wrote:

So many questions but at the top of my head is these: why did he agree to “marry” you? Why were you using a name that wasn’t yours for so long that your students know you by that name? Haven’t you talked beforehand with him? Was this relationship one sided?

OP responded:

He asked me to marry him. My job told me to start using his name because the school year started in April and I would be changing my name in May. I said no it felt like I'd jinx it. I called him and he said stop being such an over thinker and just use my name.

I talked with him, he reassured me. It's been 3 weeks that my kids know me as that name. And to be honest yes it does feel one sided. But not in the way you're implying.

A few days later, OP shared an update.

For a brief recap, I was going to the officiant to sign my marriage license with my fiance (who I'd been with for 4 years). He chickened out and said he couldn't marry me and ruptured my image of us. TLDR at bottom.

On to the update. Since I was so brutally humiliated, it really made me think back on all the not great parts of us. He was always very gaslighty whenever I'd claim his actions reflected the opposite of his words (I respect you, I care for you). So I ended up talking to him. I asked him to define what his definition of loving someone, respecting someone, caring for someone, and trusting someone means.

Needless to say they were twisted and not healthy at all. I tried to make him see that and he had a few moments of holy shit I think you're right, I don't actually trust or respect you. Now just because he admitted it didn't mean the crazy selfish actions didn't continue throughout the entirety of the conversation.

It was so crazy how I'd never been able to articulate it in a way to where he actually understood before. He actually had the gall to say "Wow we should have had this conversation a long time ago" because of how much he was realizing he was treating me like trash then gaslighting me about it.

I was like b#$ch I've been trying to tell you this for years but you never respected me enough to listen and I was always too emotional to articulate it properly. Anyways, he wanted to do marriage counseling with the intent to marry at the end. I told him I'd rather break up because the power dynamic is too shifted and I don't feel like it's salvageable.

With how he was listening to me and finally acknowledging and understanding me and his own actions I was hopeful for maybe a friendship one day in the distant future. But after a teary, bittersweet goodbye, he absolutely ruined it with yet another selfish action right at the last moment.

I didn't want to be touched or do physical affection for multiple reasons. One of the main reasons being he uses it for comfort when he's feeling sorry for himself. I had just spent 3 hours explaining how he never thinks of me in any of his actions, and maybe it's cruel of me to keep that last kiss or whatever, but it felt selfish and manipulative to me.

So after an actually heartfelt goodbye and promise to be better people in the future, we part ways. Only for him to run back to me to try and do some romantic swoop in and kiss me. I recoiled really fast and honestly just stared at him incredulously. Like he had just ignored everything I had just said.

That was the moment I went from sadness and grief from losing something so important to me, to just numb and angry about it. I haven't cried since, I don't even feel sad when I think about him because all I can think about is how angry the whole thing makes me feel. I'm 28 and feel like I wasted my good years on someone who had zero regard for me in any capacity.

I developed so many new insecurities, confidence issues, and trauma from 4 years with him and now I have to navigate the dating pool again with all of that (in a foreign country no less!)

TL;DR: I broke up with him and I'm just angry now.

The comments kept rolling in.

Libra_8118 wrote:

How are you and your mom doing? It sounds like you left your home and family for him. Are you thinking of coming back home?

OP responded:

Both my family and him are in America. I left for me, my dreams, and career. I'm actually thankful that I can go back abroad to be away from him and honestly I need some time away from my mom as well.

Forward-Cockroach945 wrote:

Bravo I'm so proud of you for finally ending it with him. It's likely he only "understands" you now as a form of gaslighting and trying to placate you . I know it hurts now but with time you will heal and be stronger. Don't worry about dating right now, worry about loving yourself and nurturing yourself.

Give yourself all the love support and understanding you normally gave to him. You deserve it. I hope your therapy visits go well and help you build up your self worth and bulls#$t detector. I'm so glad to hear you took the right steps towards a healthier happier life.

tocpredictions17 responded:

I'm about to be fifty years old, and I think my thirties are the best decade of my life—they're so awesome! Savor them with a loved one who understands what it means! Furthermore, don't even attempt to maintain a friendship with that worthless piece of trash.

Lullabyspirit wrote:

I can just tell you are just way smarter, more self-aware, and dwell on a higher level of thinking than this guy. There's no way he wasn't holding you back in life. Therapy will help you navigate and hopefully heal your traumas from this dumpster fire of an individual.

For now though, I hope you'll refrain from entering the dating pool until you're truly good and ready, and that - most of all - you'll learn to enjoy a glowing peace away from him.

MajorasKitten wrote:

I’m 33. Girl, your best years are the years you enjoy the most. Your best years can happen anytime. So stop worrying about that ♥️ your best is yet to come, and you’ll keep having best years in the future. Life is what we make it, so don’t forget to make it a good one!! Yeah, it’s absolutely normal to be f#$king angry (hell, we’re all angry for you as well!) but also, don’t forget to smile!

Just like the first day of school, first day traveling, first day at a new exciting job- your life is beginning a new chapter!! It will be an exciting development, you’re growing, you’ll be stronger for it (pain promotes growth 🌱) Smile babe!! Life will go on, and you’ll be better than you were yesterday ♥️ one day at a time. 🫂 Hang in there!

Clearly_A_Cat wrote:

Wishing you all the best op! I really hope you can love and nurture yourself into a better life free of drama and judgement. But I do want to say, you are allowed to have emotions. Your mother’s comments were in fact very cr*el.

Her inability to acknowledge or think only of how she doesn’t want to deal with it because she’s old screams narcissist. You are deserving of expressing your emotions to people who love and care about you.

Your emotions are not a burden to the people who love you. They make you human. They make you YOU. You are worthy of love that hasn’t found you yet. But it will. Keep going to therapy it sounds like it helped a lot and helped you realize how toxic your relationship was. I’m proud of you. Keep up the good work.

Sources: Reddit
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