'AITA for breaking up with my fiancé because he made my family feel unwelcome in 'our' home?'

AITAH for breaking up with my fiancé after he made my family feel unwelcome in 'our' home?

Ok_Bee_6024 writes:

My fiancé (30M) recently bought a house, and I (28F) moved in with him. The house is in his name only, but our arrangement was that he pays the mortgage, and I pay all utilities/groceries.

He has been trying to get me to see the home as "ours," but I still consider it his since my name is nowhere on the mortgage/deed or even rental agreement, and he has been taking care of all home ownership expenses.

I originally wanted us to buy a home together after getting married, but our leases were almost up, and he had the money for a house and didn't want to keep renting any longer than necessary, so now seemed like the best time.

I was okay with this since I wasn't in a financial position yet to help put down money on a new home either way, and I think our current arrangement is more than fair. Anyways, my family was super excited when they heard that he bought a place and that we would be moving to a house instead of continuing to live in our small apartments.

They love him like a son and were so happy about him finally becoming a homeowner. My mom and her sister (my aunt) asked if they could come visit us for the 4th of July holiday since they were off and wanted to see the new place. They live about 3 hours away and wanted to take the train.

I initially told them no since it was so close to the time we were finishing the move, but when my fiancé heard about it, he assured me it would be okay, and he was happy to have them visit.

He loves my aunt's cooking, and she loves to cook for people, so he thought it would be great to have her come cook, and we would have our place ready for them by then. We bought all the furniture we needed, beds for the guest rooms, etc.

His sister and her kids were also going to be in town and would be visiting us, so it was going to be nice having everyone meet and spend the day together. I was really looking forward to it and even bought a new grill; he bought fireworks to shoot off with the kids. It was supposed to be a fun weekend and our first time hosting as a couple.

At first, everything was going well, and everyone was getting along. My mom and aunt were cooking while his sister was just hanging out talking, and the kids were watching TV.

My mom started washing a dish, and I mentioned to her not to use the sponge to clean the counters because my fiancé doesn't like that. Something about bacteria spreading from the sponge to the counter.

We clean our counters with sponges back home (I grew up doing it this way), so I figured I'd tell her beforehand so he wouldn't get upset. He decided to make this a topic of conversation/debate and asked his sister for her thoughts on this.

It seemed like he wanted to prove he was right about the bacteria thing since it was something we had argued about way back when I washed dishes at his apartment for the first time.I had long ago conceded he was right and stopped using a sponge on counters.

His sister disagreed with his logic, though, and pointed out that the sponge in the sink is collecting bacteria either way, and he's going to wash another dish with it and spread the bacteria to the dishes that he eats with, so his logic about it spreading to the counter didn't make too much sense unless he's replacing the sponge after every use.

He proceeded to pull up CDC articles and try to prove his point, but her logic also made sense. She didn't think it was a hill to die on and teased him about being a "psycho" over the bacteria and sponge thing.

He finally dropped it, and we started talking about other things. I should mention that his new home has quartz counters, and he made it known when we moved in that I definitely couldn't use a sponge since he says it'll damage the stone, so the whole bacteria debate was pointless anyways.

We were talking about the house, and I brought up that he has been very careful with things in the new house and joked that he has even been waking up at 4 am to trim hedges in the front lawn "like a psycho." He laughed, but I later learned he took offense to my comment.

My mom made a joke at some point about him being quite particular about his new house and laughed along with my aunt. Prior to this, he had already joked around with her through the security cameras when she went outside and he scared her by telling her to wipe her feet before coming in.

He thought it was funny to joke around with her like that. I knew there was an element of truth to his "joking," but my mom took it in good fun though since she also jokes around with him, so that was fine, I guess.

The kids were sitting alone on the couch, and I was trying to be a good host, so I asked if they wanted anything to eat or drink, and his nephew (7M) asked for a cookie, which I gave him along with a napkin, and he went back to the couch to continue watching TV with his brother. I didn't see it, but apparently, he dropped cookie crumbs on the couch while he was eating.

Obviously not on purpose; they're good kids. My fiancé saw the crumbs and immediately got upset and started scolding him, and I stepped in and said it was my fault and that I gave him the cookie.

I honestly didn't see a problem with this at the time since we sometimes eat dinner on the couch, and the material is very easy to clean, but I didn't say anything about that. My fiancé turned to me and started scolding me about eating on the couch in front of everyone.

I apologized multiple times, and he kept going on about how the couch is brand new, and there shouldn't be any eating on it and giving me stern looks like a parent gives a child. After I apologized for the 3rd time, his sister stepped in and was like, "Ok, bro, she apologized, I think she gets it."

I was super embarrassed to have him scold me like that in front of everyone, but I shrugged it off since I didn't want to kill the mood and make it more awkward for our guests. We ended the night by shooting off fireworks with his nephews, and then they went home with his sister, and we went to sleep.

At this point, my family got the sense that he was very serious about the upkeep of the house and started feeling uncomfortable and like they were intruding in his very clean space. The next day, they spent most of the day outside of the house shopping and going for walks, so they wouldn't be in the way.

My fiancé spent the day locked in his office working and playing video games and didn't really come out. It wasn't like my family to spend so much time away as they usually like talking and spending time together with us.

So at night, I decided to go on one of their walks with them, and my mom mentioned how much she loved the area where we live due to all the parks and couldn't wait to come back, but for me not to worry because she will rent a hotel room so she doesn't bother us too much.

I guess it broke my heart a little bit hearing that because I realized we'd made her and my aunt feel unwelcome in our new home. She'd never come outright and say that, but my mom and aunt had visited me in my tiny apartment before, slept on air mattresses, and not once complained or said they'd prefer to stay in a hotel.

When we got back, it was late, and my fiancé was still in his office playing video games. I could tell he was also being distant, and I didn't want to bother him, so I went to bed. He joined me a few minutes later and wanted to talk.

He said he didn't like the comment I made earlier calling him a psycho in my story and that he was also unhappy with my family joking and laughing about him. He said he felt disrespected in his own house. I felt like I had so many things to say to him, but my family was in the next room, and my fiancé has a tendency to yell whenever we have disagreements, so I just apologized to him.

I told him I was telling a funny story and completely joking and didn't mean it literally, but I understood where he was coming from, and it wouldn't happen again. I also apologized on my family's behalf and told him they didn't mean any harm, and from my perspective, it looked like he was joking right back with them, but I was sorry either way.

I also pointed out his sister had also called him a psycho and asked if he was upset at her too. He said he had already talked to his sister about that, and she apologized, and they were good.

My family was due to stay with us for a couple more days, so after I apologized for everything, I told him what my mom said about staying in the hotel and how I can tell they're feeling unwelcome and how it's breaking my heart that they feel that way in "our home."

I told him that since he was also upset at them, not to worry that I would make sure we do things outside the house for the next couple of days, so they stay out of his way until they leave. Even though I was apologizing to him, my heart hurt for my family, and I decided at that moment that I couldn't stay with someone that created such an unwelcoming environment for our guests when they visit.

Especially not my family—we're really close, and aside from him, they're all I have. They traveled 3 hours by train each way, super excited to visit; my aunt even visited a special supermarket to get the right sausages to make his favorite dish, carrying it in a cooler by train along with other goodies that he would like. The love and thoughtfulness she put into it, I don't know, it broke me a little bit. AITA?

OP added more context in the comments:

Maleficent_Pay_4154 says:

Please leave If he is like this now when you have only just moved in it will only get worse NTA.

OP responded:

Oh, I did. I came back to my old apartment and am sleeping on an air mattress since I got rid of my furniture to move in with him. Luckily I still have a few weeks left on my lease until I figure out my housing situation. I dont really have anyone to talk to about this so I guess I posted here to find out from someone else's perspective if I was the one being awful and need to apologize.

Even_Budget2078 says:

I'm so proud of you! You were not awful at all and don't need to apologize. He was terrible to you and your family. Your aunt sounds like an absolute gem, please go hang with your loving family and forget about him.

OP responded:

She really is. I'm going to go over there in a few weeks and give her an extra tight hug. Throughout our 2 years together, we've broken up a few times and always managed to get back together but seeing him behave like that towards her this weekend made me feel disgusted. It opened my eyes as to how truly incompatible we are. And helped solidify my decision to never get back with him.

Away-Understanding34 says:

If he doesn't want to be called a psycho maybe he should stop acting like one. NTA...did he even have any sort of reaction to your leaving him or did he just ignore it/didn't believe it?

OP responed:

When I told him it was over that night, he slept in his office for the next couple days while my family was there and just ignored all of us for the most part. After I dropped them off, I went back and packed some clothes to leave. As I was gathering my stuff, he told me he would pay me back for some of the furniture I'd bought for the new place.

I told him that I didnt need his money. He told me to stop being stubborn and I said I didnt care about his money or furniture because I value my relationships with people I love more than I value material things.

He felt my comment was unnecessary and we got in a fight about what took place that weekend where he started raising his voice. I'm not proud of this but I got emotional and raised my voice too as I was trying to point out all my aunt did for him and how he made her feel. He stormed out after that.

What do you think?