'My fiance just ran away and left me 3 months before our wedding. How can I feel better?'

"My fiance [33F] just ran away and left me 3 months before our wedding. How can I [36M] feel better about this?"

With nearly 11 years together, we recently moved from the UK to the Netherlands in 2024. Everything seemed really good with us and we talked a lot about how happy we both were and excited for the wedding in April.

She left last week for an apparent "week-long trip" to see her sister in the UK (she told me less than 24hrs in advance before leaving), so I just assumed she was concerned about her and wanted some time alone to care for her (her sister has long C0VID). Two days after that she called for about a minute to break things off after an apparently tough therapy session.

That session highlighted some issues she had with the relationship. Even though things have seemed amazing for a while, I have to respect her decision. She just said she needs to prioritise herself etc. She's since blocked me on everything and won't seem to talk to anyone (including her friends who are coming to me for info). She's currently with her parents.

I basically have 0 closure and have so many questions. I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye after all this time either. Considering how serious things were and how much love we had for each other, this just feels incredibly cruel to handle things in this way without any conversation about it or anything.

It's been well over a week since all of this and all I can do is lie in a dark room staring at the ceiling. I've hardly slept all week, keep having nightmares and panic attacks. I can't eat (even if I try to I just feel sick) and I've lost over 10kg in a week.

She has her family to support her but I'm mostly alone. Some people flew over to see me but when they're gone I just go back to horrible thoughts and not eating. Is there anything I can do to feel better about any of this? I'm getting really worried that I can't eat and feel very sick. I really need to start to feel better soon or risk doing serious damage to myself.

It appears she never wants to speak again and I just can't cope with the thought of that. I'd wished we talked it through at least, got closure etc. and even stayed friends. I love her so much and can't imagine her not in my life at all, especially as things seemed so good for so long. Please help me :(

Edit: For clarity, she apparently arranged this trip and her therapy session a while before she told me. I can't confirm a therapy session even took place, I'm just telling you what she told me before hanging up.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

pixatron32 wrote:

I am so sorry friend. This is only the type of wound that will heal with time. And, I am sorry to say, it may actually get worse before it gets better. It is a good thing she did it now and not after the wedding, or when she was pregnant, or after children. You deserve to be respected, loved, and a partner who will stick with you on good days and bad.

What has helped me in the past is leaning on friends and family as you are doing. Exercising, sunshine, and creativity. Growing a plant, meditating, yoga, and journaling.

The only way you'll get closure is through you're own self awareness and reflection that your life is better without a partner who can't communicate their fears or needs, lies, and freezes you out instead of respecting you with a reason/explanation.

OP responded:

Thank you. Unfortunately I think you're right that I need to make more of an effort to go out etc. I just need to wait until I can eat and not feel sick to carry on with that type of thing. Definitely the hardest thing I've ever gone through.

_delicja_ wrote:

Her behaviour is your closure. It tells you everything you need to know about her. Time to rest, rethink, reprioritise. Mourn the past when you need to. But nothing's over, your life will just be different than what you had planned - and this is not a bad thing.

Put yourself and your mental and physical health first. Be good to yourself. Get professional support if you can. Join meetup groups to hang out with a new crowd. I'm sending you hugs.

OP responded:

Didn't think of therapy for myself. Thanks, I'll seek it out.

codeduck wrote:

Alright, son. I've been there.

You need to find a professional to speak to - even if it's online, you need to talk to someone.

Check the NHS website: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/ - and call Samaritans or CALM or anyone. You need to eat. Go with bland food - rice, oats, pasta with a bit of salt. Even if it's just a little bit, you need to get nutrition into your system.

You need to get exercise. Put on warm, waterproof clothes and decent outdoor shoes and WALK. You need to get out of the room and the space, you need to break the cycle you're in. It takes time. It is awful. There is no way to magically make the process faster. Once you're talking, eating and walking, that's your basic needs taken care of.

Then you need to start finding ways to build a net of links to replace what's been cut away. The Dutch are amazingly community-minded. Find your local community center and ask if they have any volunteering opportunities - this will get you out and talking to real people. Find a sports club or walking club to join so you have regular diary events to attend.

Worst case, start looking at whether it's possible to come back to the UK for a bit while you heal, though honestly I'd go 100% immersion into whatever you have that's local. It's going to be brutal, mate. You are going to feel like a hollow shell a lot of the time - that is , when you're not crying. It's okay. You will get through this. Talk. Eat. Walk. The rest will take care of itself with enough time.

OP responded:

Thanks, this makes perfect sense.

girlandhiscat wrote:

My ex left me 6 weeks before we bought a place. Life savings gone. Best thing he ever did for me to be honest. He blamed it on a mental health breakdown but realistically it was ywars of lying catching up with him.

You have dodged a bullet. Have you ever heard the phrase "they way someone leaves you shows everything about them." Also as time goes on, it probably won't be that much of a shock and red flags will be more apparent. Leave her be, focus on work, making friends etc. Have fun. You'll be okay.

OP responded:

Sorry to hear that and you're right. I haven't tried contacting her much since, because she's clearly not going to care by how she acted. Happy to move on but just finding it hard getting over that first step of being healthy and able to go outside.

BoredBKK wrote:

So she flew to the UK to stay with her sister giving 24hrs notice to you. Then within 48hrs she had managed to not only locate and book a therapy session there but come to the realization that she didn't want to get married? If that's the "official" explanation it's clearly not true. What the truth is I have no idea but it's not this.

Either you missed some massive problems she's been having for some time with this marriage or she's deliberately hidden some massive problem from you while keeping up appearances. Eventually this will all come out and you'll know. Regardless stay strong and focus on your well being as best you can. Good luck.

OP responded:

She booked a remote session over a call before she went. She can take that from anywhere and it happened to be the day she got back. I don't know what people think I gain from lying about this.

redditisripe wrote:

Did she give you any specifics about what was wrong with the relationship? Anything you can help to learn and heal from? It's really difficult if you're left without much of a clue. If she is also not communicating with other people there can be many reasons for it. She can be totally withdrawing to cope with stress or embarrassment or to avoid awkward questioning.

She could also be suffering from depression. Withdrawing in general terms can be one way of dealing with depression. Can you reflect on things and see any warning signs? Maybe before or after you moved from the UK?

OP responded:

Yes, in the first few years I did a lot of drinking and going out with friends. I never abused her during that time but she saw it as self destructive which upset her a lot in a different way. I got professional help at a clinic in pimlico London and even did long stints of staying 100% sober.

Ever since then we've both talked about how great things are and expressed excitement for the wedding and starting a family etc. According to her, she has a lot of anxiety about me ever leaving the house (because of my previous behaviour years ago and heavy drinking).. even though I've not gone back to that same behaviour, I obviously cause enough alarm early on that it's affected her more than I realised.

IMO that's a completely legitimate decision and I respect it. I just have issues with not being able to speak at all to discuss cancelling the wedding, the place we both own in London or my visa situation (which is now void as I'm on her visa as a partner). Just a very difficult situation.

doctortoc wrote:

Were there really no warning signs at all? I can't fathom the kind of pain you're going through, but I can't believe that she'd do something like this if everything was as rosy as you're describing. Is it possible she's had some kind of mental break?

Have you spoken to her family at all? After 11 years together, you must know some of them reasonably well. Can you perhaps reach out to them to find out what she's telling them?

Also, after 11 years, your lives must be pretty tightly bound, so there are things you're going to need her cooperation to untangle; joint accounts, subscriptions, etc. She can't just cut you off and pretend those obligations don't exist. If she's *already* done this, that's a sign that this isn't as spontaneous a thing as she's suggesting and was actually planned.

OP responded:

She cried a couple of times over Christmas but when I gave her a hug and asked why, she just said she's just worried about her sister. I tried to comfort her etc. but I'm now realising this was the more likely reason.. she'd made up her mind long before this.

I've spoken to her dad about selling our place, cancelling the wedding and changing my visa but he's not exactly been too kind and won't be able to do much without power of attorney etc. Anyway. He's also coming to get her stuff soon alone, I know that's going to be incredibly painful. We own a lot together so not sure how we divide everything if she's not even there