'My fiancée settled for me and I don’t know if I should go through with the wedding...' UPDATED

"My fiancée settled for me and I don’t know if I should go through with the wedding..."

My fiancé is way out of my league. She’s a legit 10 from looks to personality, just beyond what I ever thought I was capable of convincing to date me never mind marry me.

The ready why has always been in the back of my mind and unfortunately last week I got the answer. I overheard a conversation she had with her sister about me, I had just come home and I guess she didn’t hear me come in.

The conversation was long but she basically confirmed that she is marrying me because I’m your typical nice guy you settle down with. She said I adore her and it’s best to be with someone that puts you on a pedestal. She also basically confirmed that she had much more wild intimacy with the other guys she’s dated. But she’d had her fun and I was just “fine” in that area.

So, later that night I tell her that I overheard her and I said that I was concerned that she was settling for me. And she didn’t totally dismiss it. She said she loved me of course and knew she wanted to marry me early on because I was the type of guy you marry.

Now, I didn’t take this well. I don’t want to be someone that you settle for. I want to marry someone that is as crazy about me as I am about her. So I tell her that and also that she is too good to settle. She should have a person that she is crazy about and that puts her on a pedestal.

So I tell her to take some time to think about if I am really what she wants and she breaks down in tears. She apologizes for saying that to her sister that she didn’t mean it and she went on for a while.

I eventually caved and apologized. We hugged and eventually were physical which was actually the best we’ve ever had. And for the past week, she has basically been all over me.

I love this girl but how is she going to feel about me in 10 years if she is not head over heels for me now. Am I making too much out of this? How should I handle this going forward?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

titsmagee9 said:

"Settle down" and "settle for" are two wildly different things that I feel you're getting confused. "Settling down" means finding someone mature to marry and grow old with. There's no implication that the person you do this with isn't someone who you're crazy about, but maybe an implication that they're mature and are past their crazy/party days.

"Settling for" does have the implication that you're not wild about the person, but they're good enough. It sounds like your fiancee said "settling down" and you interpreted it as "settling for." I think you need to just slow down and take her at her word.

onefornought said:

"My fiancée is way out of my league." As long as you believe this, the relationship will be infected by your own insecurities. Don't be anyone's backup plan.

Suburbandadbeerbelly said:

IDK OP. I think it bears more serious discussion with her, and possibly couples/pre marital counseling. She may have genuinely realized that there is something to having a stable guy she can rely on even if it isn’t quite as exciting as a hot a-hole. She is still choosing you at the end of the day. At the same time, I totally get your hurt and concern. Which is why I think counseling might be the right approach.

haha0613 said:

All I'll say is this. My girl, beautiful and out of my league, is all over me and dare I say a little obsessed. Same with me to her. Best feeling in the world to be fully adored by the girl you love.

S_L_13 said:

Everyone here is being quite negative but hear me out! So I’ve listened to a few therapist talk about this and they say a healthier relationship is one that starts not necessarily with a passionate burning desire but stability and actually your relationship is likely to last much longer...

...so stability isn’t always the most exciting thing in the world, how could it be? It’s stability! But that doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t deeply love you and when you’re compatible and stable that love only grows.

Now the passionate, wild, chaotic romances are exactly that - they’re explosive and therefore volatile, they tend to end as quickly as they start and it’s hard to build a foundation. They’re unstable but the instability makes them thrilling - but that’s about it. Now this is not always the case but just something to consider.

DinkumGemsplitter said:

Holy crap, that was painful just to read. We all age and looks are fleeting. My wife and I were both hot in our 20s, but our relationship has always been based on shared values and mutual respect. Saying you settled to anyone at any time is the opposite of respect.

UPDATE:

Thanks for all the comments on my original post. There were way more than I expected to get so I figured I would give an update. My fiancé got out her old phone last night, which is the one she had when we first started dating and showed me the texts she sent to her sister and her friends about me.

They made me feel a lot better. After our first date she texted her sister “I’m going to marry this one.” There were a lot more including some NSFW ones to her friend after the first time we had a good bedroom life. Those were more relief that it was good. There was no over the top praise, but she was complimentary. So I guess I will take it.

There were a lot more texts on the phone. She had it for a few years before she met me and there were plenty of texts about other guys as well. I read those too and didn’t see much gushing about any of them. Most of her wild times happened in college I guess. I know she loves me and has from the start so for me I think that is enough.

Here's what people had to say about the update:

Spicy_Poo said:

You're going to have to work on your self confidence. I pushed away many girls with my self depreciation over the years. It wasn't until I experienced that behavior from the other end that I realized how annoying and exhausting it is.

Bookaholicforever said:

She settled on you. Not for you. You were the one she wants for the rest of her life. Technically every person who chooses to marry someone is settling on that person. It’s not a negative.

Crofty_girl said:

You really need to work on your self-esteem.

Cloud_Matrix said:

Glad everything turned out ok! However, it shouldn't have taken solid proof in text messages years old that happened between your fiance and her sister to convince you that she does love you.

If you were my partner, I would be turned off by the fact that I have to continue proving to my spouse that I am loyal and never settled. I would highly suggest getting therapy to try and get over your feelings of insecurity...

Because while things seem fine now, what happens when you think you caught her checking out some other guy in public? Is it going to lead right back to this same situation of feeling like your fiance/wife settled for you?

KelceStache said:

Great stuff!! You check all the boxes and she knew it immediately. No matter how you look at it, you’re better than anyone else she has dated.

kendokushh said:

Get into therapy. Self talk & self help will go a long way as well. You need to work on you & begin to see yourself in a better light before she does.