'AITA for breaking up with my fianceé after introduced me to her inner circle?' UPDATED
"AITA if I break up with my fianceé after getting engaged?"
Glittering_Trifle421 says:
I (M32) recently proposed to my girlfriend of two years, Sharon (F30), about a month and a half ago, and it feels like the second the ring got on her finger, her attitude and behavior took a total 180. While we were dating, we seemed exceptionally compatible, and it appeared we shared common beliefs and morals.
Seven weeks ago, I proposed, and she said yes. I thought it was the happiest moment for both of us. But not even a week later, her attitude completely flipped. I thought I knew all of her friends, but one day I came home, and there were six women I had never seen before.
Sharon introduced me to them, and I was curious as to why I was just now meeting them, especially since I had already met her two best friends (Michelle and Octavia, neither of whom were present) over a year and a half ago. Sharon said she wanted to make sure we were a "sure thing" before introducing me to her "inner circle."
I found this strange, not to mention it was a weeknight, and they were quickly draining my wine rack. Sharon still had her own place, but she stayed with me so often that she practically lived here.
Still, I found it incredibly rude when they left, leaving four empty bottles of rosé behind. I tried to talk to Sharon about having uninvited guests on weeknights, but she dismissed my grievance flippantly, more like she brushed me off.
In the following weeks, she went out with "the girls" several times. When she brought them to my place (twice without notice, once with notice to "appease" me, her words), they all treated me like a butler, shaking their empty wine glasses at me for refills.
After the fourth time, I made it clear I would be getting a locked wine rack. Sharon just called me "no fun" after that. Things got worse. Sharon decided that me and "the girls" had gotten off on the wrong foot and suggested we have dinner together at a nice restaurant. I went, and it did not go well. The six kept prodding me about my life, my house, my career, but they deflected every question I asked them.
It got especially bad when they started talking about modern relationships and jealousy. One of them brought up key points about relationships that I thought Sharon and I had agreed on (specifically, "what-ifs" regarding polyamory and being friends with exes).
To my shock, Sharon said we shouldn't be "too hasty" on such decisions, which was a complete 180 from what she had expressed just a month prior, where she was vehemently against keeping ex-partners in friend circles and was staunchly monogamous.
The worst part was when the bill arrived, and Sharon announced it should be "together" and slid me the check. I told her she couldn't be serious, and we had a bit of an argument. I ended it by putting my amount down in cash and walking out, leaving them to figure out the rest of the bill.
In the days that followed, Sharon kept calling me "toxic" and "fragile," but every time I pressed her on it, she would apologize and say she was just "stressed at work." We haven’t even planned the wedding yet, and things got worse this Monday.
While I was at work, I got a Nest Doorbell alert and saw Sharon and one of her six new friends arriving at my place, going inside, and leaving with my golf clubs. This set was a gift from my father and was expensive, so Sharon lending it out without my permission made me angry. I immediately called Sharon and told her and her friend to return the clubs.
Sharon tried to gaslight me, saying, "But you promised to lend the clubs to her boyfriend, remember?" I told her the clubs’ value could move it into serious crime territory and gave her an hour to return them or I’d call the cops.
Sharon kept insisting she had my permission, and I told her to cut the c#%p. Not 45 minutes later, I got another notification of Sharon and her friend returning the clubs. On their way out, Sharon's friend flipped off the Nest doorbell.
When I got home, I saw the clubs were just thrown on the living room floor. Sharon tried to talk to me about my "toxicity" again, and I told her to cut the cr%p. I said that if I had known this was how she was, I would have never proposed. That seemed to freak her out, and she again insisted that she was "stressed from work," but I wasn’t buying it anymore.
I told her to return the ring and her key, and we’d talk about our relationship this weekend. She cried and begged me not to cancel the engagement, insisting it was just stress. I told her again we’d talk this weekend.
She finally relented, but I had my house re-keyed after she left, just to be safe. Sharon has since been texting me constant messages of love and apologies, saying she got swept up and only wanted to show me off to her close friends.
I don’t know. I’m just not buying it. Her "close friends" have been texting me daily, calling me "toxic" and "fragile" again, and saying they knew I wasn’t "man enough" for Sharon or "secure enough" to share her with friends.
A few of my friends, who have known Sharon the entire two years we’ve been dating, are surprised and can’t believe she changed this quickly. They think there must be something missing, or that I left something out.
They say I must have said something to trigger her friends' behavior and that I had to have been the AH somewhere along the process. I don’t know. It’s a lot to take from all directions right now.
Here are the top comments:
I bet he hasn't seen Octavia and Michelle anymore. They did their purpose and now the ex "is too stressed out from work" to meet both of her "friends".
I did message Michelle on Facebook last night. I asked her about the six, and she told me that her, Octavia, and Sharon are cousins and grew up together. Michelle said that she didn't really care for 'the six', but didn't say much else.
Away-Understanding34 says:
2 years and she didn't introduce you to these "friends"? She knows how terrible they are and how terrible she is with them. She put on quite a show to get the ring and now that she thought she had you locked down, she can show her true colors.
Unless you are leaving out something, you are definitely NTA. You are not toxic or fragile. You have standards. What she did at the restaurant and with the clubs is toxic. It seems like she wants to show them she has you wrapped around her finger and that you will allow her (and them) to do whatever they want.
I wouldn't give her another chance to use you for what you can do or give to her. No one that loves you would treat you like this, friends or no friends present.
xxasdfxx says:
OP, if you're stupid enough to even ponder resuming this relationship, just tell her that, given actions to date, you'll be getting a prenup to even consider marrying her. I promise the reaction will be enlightening. ps -- quit while you're behind, and thank whatever deity you may or may not believe in she let the mask slip before the wedding.
perpetuallyxhausted says:
NTA you said you had met 2 of her friends, Michelle and Octavia, previously. Have they had anything to say about this flipped behavior or the 6 strangers that materialized?
Fragrant_Spray says:
She wasn’t smart enough to wait to flip the bait and switch until after the wedding. She thought as soon as you got engaged she had crossed the finish line and started her victory lap. Her “inner circle” is clearly her bad decision support group too. The sooner you can dump her, the better for you.
3 days later OP came back with this update:
Sharon's been gone now for an hour. Breakup is official, I have the ring back. I did talk to Michelle via Facebook and Michelle said her and Octavia were cousins of Sharon, and Michelle also said she knew 'the six' and didn't care for them.
Michelle didn't say much more than that. I did meet Sharon's parents, and they both seemed to like me, and the topic of Michelle and Octavia never came up around them.
None of our finances were intermingled(yet) but it was planned for later this month, which won't happen.
I invited three of our mutual friends, Casey, John, and Mike, to be here when Sharon got here. Sharon showed up and was surprised to see we had company. I said they were here for both of our sakes. Sharon wanted to phone three of the six to come over to 'even things out' and I refused, and I used the club theft as a reason.
Sharon sat on the couch very dramatically and then asked if I really wanted to make this public. I outright asked why she changed so much after the engagement, and why she hid the existence of the six. Sharon then went in again about how she insulates her inner circle until a partner is vetted. I called BS; I met her parents, what's more inner circle than your parents?
Sharon tried to deflect but I wouldn't have it. I pointed out how for the last month, her friends dropping by cost me nearly $500 in wine, which she by the way made no attempt to reimburse. I also pointed out her trying to make me pay an 8 person dinner bill without asking me first. She again said she wanted to show 'how great a guy' I was, and how she clearly misjudged me and was disappointed in my attitude.
I then asked about the clubs. She tried gaslighting with "you totally said it was ok, remember?" and I kept saying bulls%$#. Mike piped in; he knew the clubs were a gift from my dad and I was highly protective of them.
He too called BS, and that's when Sharon turned her attention to Mike and John, saying "Isn't he getting forgetful lately? Don't you remember when he forgot that one date?" and neither was buying it.
I finally said that forget postponing the wedding or cancelling the engagement, the entire relationship is going to end if she isn't going to be straight with me. Sharon made a very long exaggerated sigh. She took the ring off and dropped it on the coffee table. She got up to leave and said "You're never going to find someone as good as me" and to send her stuff to her apartment.
She left, and Casey, John and Mike were totally stunned. All I could say was "Believe me now?" We ordered pizza and are waiting for it to arrive now. I am still utterly shocked and confused by Sharon's attitude. I'm sure the heartbreak will come next, but right now, I'm just kind of numb?
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
“You’ll never find anyone like me.” That’s kind of the point.
You dodged a major bullet, my friend. Be grateful she showed who she really is before you put down any deposits on a venue or catering.