'My fiance snapped on me while driving and I’m unsure if I’m overreacting.' UPDATED 2X

Getting an outside opinion can quite literally be a lifesaver in some situations.

In a popular post on the Ask Women Over 30 subreddit, a woman asked for advice after a concerning interaction with her fiance.

"My (31f) fiance (39m) snapped and I’m unsure if I’m overreacting."

My fiancé and I have been together three years and living together two, he’s definitely a hot head, it’s been a problem in the past, but he’s a wonderful partner otherwise. He cooks, I clean, we both work and we’re best friends. We spend all our spare time together going on road trips, trying new foods or just hanging out.

He has in the past lost it over small things, followed someone home twice over driving and he yelled at them, he’s an angry driver in general, he thinks no one can drive and is often speeding through traffic. His angry driving is an everyday occurrence. I let him drive because it’s not worth the stress if I drive because he doesn’t like it.

He punched a hole in a closet door after a stressful day at work and I sarcastically replied to his mood. He immediately apologized when he calmed down the next day, but it scared me at the time. This was a year ago. His temper is an everyday thing, but it’s never directed at me.

He also used to tell me to pack my things and F off if we were arguing, I’m definitely a calm let’s talk this out person, he’s an "I don’t want to talk about it" person, he often feels attacked and it’s something we had to work through. He’s much better now, he tried anger management but said it wasn’t working with his work schedule. His communication is much better.

Apart from that, he’s an affectionate goofball who treats me like a queen, he would do anything for me I just have to ask. It’s like a different person takes over. On to the incident. We were going on a holiday this week, 12 hour road trip and we decided to leave at 3am.

He sad he didn’t sleep well and I annoyed him because I wasn't ready quick enough, I wasn’t -- I forgot some things and I admit that I took too long and we left late. We stopped an hour later to grab a quick service station meat pie, I don’t really remember the conversation leading up to this, I don’t even know if we were arguing.

All I know is his meat pie leaked on his shirt, he swore and ripped his shirt down the middle, like the hulk, and threw it out the window. He proceeded to speed and had the angriest look on his face. I was scared, it was a dark back road and I could see he was doing 140km, I told him I was scared and to stop and he ignored me, I told him to please calm down and stop.

Suddenly he slammed on the brakes and all our things in the back flew forward, he turned to look at me and said “there” before taking off again only faster doing 160km. I sat there terrified to speak up again and that we would hit something. He stopped not long after and told me to drive because he was going to sleep.

He woke up two hours later and didn’t say anything about it, it was an hour or so after he woke up he said sorry about before I was really tired. I’m in shock, he doesn’t seem to think it was a huge deal. It’s been two days and we’ve just moved on from it, he said nothing happened And he knows how to control a vehicle and why would he put himself in danger?

I just need some advice, I’m starting to rethink this whole relationship based off this incident because I’m scared to tell my friends because they will hold judgments on him.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

BrilliantPersimmon87 wrote:

Hug hug hug hug hug. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Deep down, you know that it's more than him being a "hot head". He has displayed some intensely scary behaviours, along with an unwillingness (not inability, but unwillingness) to process his emotions in a healthy way. It will not get better.

It will start to become even more confusing as your brain struggles to comprehend how this nice and sweet man can be so violent at the same time. He apologizes to keep you from leaving. This is known behaviour from an ab*ser.

Please listen to us, please don't ignore what your brain and instincts are trying to tell you, please don't let the fear of judgment hinder you from seeking help to get out of a dangerous situation. Talk to family, talk to friends, reach out to people. You need to get yourself to safety, because if you stay with this man, he will endanger your life again.

OP responded:

I’m sort of in shock with these comments, I’ve never once called it ab*se or even thought it. He just had a problem that needed to be worked through, my friends and family love him, I’ve never told them about this side. But now I’m starting to think I didn’t tell them about his struggles because I knew what they’d say.

UnsupportedDevice wrote:

He is not a good partner or a good guy. He does not care about you. Point blank, period. End of story. I need you to know that. I am not trying to be harsh but it’s imperative you realize HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. He’s willingly putting you in unsafe positions and doesn’t even like or respect you enough to stop his shitty behavior when you tell him you’re scared.

His ego is then so huge he needs to embarrass you in some sort of GOTCHA moment when you call out his behavior. I wish you the best honey but run. This man is a loser who is also deeply bitter. You’re life will be so much better, I promise. There is no award for suffering.

I know you’ve invested time and yourself in this relationship but put simply-this man isn’t even kind to you. The BARE MINIMUM should be kindness.

OP responded:

I’m finding it hard to reconcile that the man who cried when we were picking out our first dance song, who told me in the best woman he’s ever met and that he feels so lucky that we met, the man who cuddles me on the couch and rubs my sore back at the end of the week is this ab*sive man too.

His mother said he rages, their incidents are worse than anything that he’s ever done with me, his mother hugged me and cried when I got him to go to anger management because she’s been trying for years. His sister doesn’t have a relationship with him and since being with me they have mended it and became close again, she said I seem to make him a lot calmer.

I am starting to question why I never seriously questioned what he was like before me. I’m starting to wonder if the longer we are together the more that side is appearing. I’m just absolutely devastated.

After receiving support and advice, OP jumped on with a small update.

UPDATE:

I’m so completely overwhelmed by the response from this group, I never thought I’d receive so many helpful and worried comments.

I have 4 more days of this trip and since so many are telling me to ve careful I am not going to do anything until I get home. You’ve all shown me it’s time to tell my sister and brother what’s going on, they live in the same city. Thank you again for all your help, I feel so rattled, I’ve never once thought it was ab*se, I just thought he needed help and support.

The comments kept coming in.

stavthedonkey wrote:

Nope, I'd be out of there. And please stop prefacing with "he's a good guy." No he is not; he has explosive anger issues that he can't control and unleashes it by getting physical or verbally ab*sive. No one should be with a person who can't control their anger....because at some point, that anger has a high chance of turning on you and instead of a wall, it will be your face.

Unless he goes to anger management and is in therapy, do not marry this man. Do not have children with him. Listen to your gut and remove yourself from this relationship for your safety.

peanutbuttermarge wrote:

Even if he goes to anger management and is in therapy, it viscerally frightens me to think of children in this relationship (not sure if I misread though and the caveat only applies to marriage, with the next sentence about children being a standalone statement!).

TubbyPachyderm wrote:

I was in a relationship extremely similar to this. It was the Jekyll and Hyde experience. He wrote me love songs, he cried, he told me how much he loved me, he did nice things for me. It was all SO great when it was great but when it was bad, it was SO bad.

Like your partner, it was like a switch flipped and it was only when he got to a certain point. I was told the same things that you were about getting out. I’ve spent 3 hours in a car being screamed at. I didn’t tell anyone in my life what was going on, because “it wasn’t that bad” and “it would get better” because it wasn’t physical.

Well, until it was…we had our final “fight”, when in reality, it was just him screaming at me and then he choked me & punched me in the face while he had me pinned down on the ground. The ass*ult didn’t happen until 2.5 years into our relationship. What you are experiencing is ab*se. It’s not okay for him to do this. I suggest reading “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” By Dr Ramani.

It felt like I was reading a book about my relationship. You deserve better than this. You need to leave before it escalates. The fact that his own mother and sister say he was much worse is very telling. It just takes the right trigger to get back to that state. It never truly goes away.

library_wench wrote:

All I had to read was that he follows people home if he doesn’t like the way they drive. He is going to get himself shot or (at the VERY least) arrested. So he terrorizes strangers, his own mother, his own sister, and, of course, YOU, the person he claims to love above all others.

If you have children, he will terrorize them. This latest incident: he blames you. (“I wasn’t ready quick enough”). And he kept blaming you for HOURS, and almost got you both killed. He expects perfect behavior from others, though never himself. This is getting worse, not better. (He quit anger management, what a surprise!) Get. Out.

Six weeks later, OP jumped on with an update.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post, it’s been awhile since my original post and a lot has happened. The end of the relationship was nothing short of a soap opera. I spent nights in bed next to him on our holiday reading Lundy Bancroft’s book and I was floored. All the comments were so eye opening even if I didn’t want to believe it was that serious.

So many things were hitting home. So many things I didn’t consider ab*se, but these were things I wasn’t telling friends or family about, I was protecting him from anyone knowing what he was really like. A part of the book referenced cheating and ab*sers as one archetype that matched a lot of my partners attributes.

I thought I was crazy, but over a week after we got home from our holiday he got home from work, we had dinner and he went to shower so I checked his phone. I repeated this for quite a few nights gathering evidence. He has been cheating on me, lots of different women over the last three years and currently one woman who knows all about me and likes to talk about how awful I am with him.

A lot of things he thought he deleted that messenger archived. I eventually confronted him one of those nights when he was coming to bed. He told me he was too tired to talk about it and that I invaded his privacy and that they were just friends.

I was so angry I pushed it (in terms of keeping the conversation going, not physically) he said he wanted to sleep and I said if I wasn’t getting sleep he wasn’t either. He snapped. He punched a hole in the wall, he broke our dresser (it’s destroyed) he went into the kitchen and smashed other things. It was terrifying, I was begging him to stop.

He then said I was lucky something of his wasn’t broken. I said why, what does that mean? He said he would have unalived me (more graphic, but I’m not sure I can post that here) I got my things and snuck to my car and went to a friends. He called me and said not to bother coming home, I wasn’t ? Why would I?

The next day he said it was all my fault because I wouldn’t let him walk away, that I was a moron and ruined everything. That I should have let him sleep and waited until the morning.

I called my brothers and said I needed to get my things. I decided it wasn’t a good idea for them to come yet because I think they would have escalated the situation as they were angry too. I took my sister and friend and had them wait in the car until I was sure it was safe, he wasn’t meant to be home but was.

They said I had five minutes until they were coming in. I told him I’d come to get my things, he got emotional and said he never wanted me to see that side of him. I said we were done and he got angry again and chased me into the garage throwing pillows at me. He said I would regret not fighting for this and I asked him what I was fighting for because this wasn’t how you treat someone you love.

He collapsed into a crying mess and said he loved me too much and needed me, that he’d been an idiot and ruined it all. He said I could take what I wanted, that he would speak to me tomorrow when we’ve both slept. He got upset when my friend and sister came inside because he didn’t know they knew.

I took the opportunity to get clothes and my brothers returned for my things two days after. He sobbed on the phone to me to reconsider, that he wasn’t getting attention from me and did the wrong thing, that he’s really stressed and it all came to a head.

He also told me this would happen to me again and the d*vil I knew was better than any other. He was begging me to come home. I cut contact. Three weeks later he’s posting pictures with one of the other women and in a relationship with her. I’m just floored by the turn in events. Thank you to everyone who commented, this man was an ab*ser and writing here saved me.

Please don’t date angry men, please realize if there’s physical violence of any kind they’re capable of worse. The cheating was a bullet I didn’t see coming, I never suspected him of that ever in the whole three years and I’m extremely embarrassed of being replaced so easily and being fooled so easily. I’m living with my brother, my self esteem is in the toilet and I guess im starting my life over again now.

The internet had OP's back all the way.

remembertowelday525 wrote:

Welcome to a new life. Wipe the slate clean, but keep the lessons learned. I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. It took me ten years. You did it in three.

OP responded:

Very close to 4. To be honest it was still very hard to let go I was so trauma bonded to him, it’s still a work in progress

de-milo wrote:

i’m SO glad you’re okay. so many women don’t make it out. i’m so glad you did and have a supportive network. To the next chapter 💕

OP responded:

I can understand why, the main reason was that I told someone. It sounds silly, but after telling my friend I couldn’t take it back. Seeing her horror and worry spurred me on. Also the idea of her disappointment if I went back, the bond was so strong, I still miss the good parts, but I know he’s not a good man and I have completely ghosted him.

FreyjaSunshine wrote:

I’m so happy that you got out! It’s a lot to process. It’s going to take time. None of this is your fault. None of it. You’re not stupid. You’re not weak. This is 100% on him. This is a new beginning for you. Take care of yourself. You are worthy of love, most especially from yourself.

padam__padam wrote:

OP, I’m so glad you’re okay. The one thing I got from a really bad break up was the inability to trust my own judgment. I kept to myself for a long time because I thought that I’d be gullible and vulnerable to other people, since I was unable to use my “best” judgment.

It took a while time to accept and understand and internalize that it’s not only me and my brain - it’s how people present themselves too, which is out of my control. Surround yourself with love, and support, and the food that makes you happy. Cry as much as you need. It’s going to be rough for a while, and you’ll come out okay. Take care, OP.

It sounds like OP is making the wisest decision she could - for both her physical and mental safety.