'My fiance wants his mom in the delivery room and I'm being called selfish?'
"My (28F) fiance (31M) wants his mom in the delivery room and I'm being called selfish?"
I'm six months pregnant and we just had a huge fight about the delivery. My fiancé thinks his mom should be in the room when I give birth because it's her first grandchild and she's been so supportive. I said absolutely not I want just him there maybe my own mom if I decide later.
Now his whole family is saying I'm being selfish and excluding them from this special moment. His mom even cried saying I'm keeping her from bonding with the baby. My fiancé says I'm overreacting and that she just wants to help and support us.
But here's the thing, I'm the one who's going to be unclothed, in pain possibly pooping on the table and extremely vulnerable. This isn't a spectator sport. I don't want anyone I'm not 100% comfortable with seeing me like that.
His mom is nice but we're not that close and she's already been kind of overbearing about the pregnancy sending me articles about what I should eat asking invasive questions planning the nursery without asking me. My fiancé says if I really loved him I'd compromise on this. But I feel like my comfort during literal child birth shouldn't be up for negotiation.
Am I being unreasonable? Everyone's making me feel like the bad guy here but it's my medical procedure. How do I make him understand this isn't about excluding his mom, it's about me feeling safe and comfortable during one of the most intense experiences of my life?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
wrong-caterpillar742 wrote:
It’s a major surgery for you. Tell him to screw off. In fact show him this comment or the numerous other Reddit posts that have asked the same question. He will see that he is being unreasonable. If he doesn’t…then he’s a moron and a mummy’s boy.
Pantherpaws wrote:
I think you might possibly need to consider if you really want to marry this man's mommy, because that's what's going to happen when you tie the knot.
It's not going to stop with her forcing her way into the delivery room, that's just where it STARTS.
IncenseNPawPrints wrote:
I think he already understands that and does not care 🫣
"If you really loved me you would____" often translates to "If you really love me, you'll do this unpleasant thing or let me hurt you." Or "Seeing how far you're willing to go--if you'll abandon yourself, bend yourself out of shape-- makes me feel loved."
willowviolet wrote:
"Sure, after you do one little thing for me...
Strip naked, lay on the bathroom floor, put your knees up, and shit in front of my mother. Not a little poo, but a big one. After you take a triple dose of laxatives, because you really need to feel those cramps and push it ALL out.
Oh, to make it really real, like a delivery room, I might have some people you don't know pop in and out. It will be quick- you won't even notice. And then later that day, when you are all cleaned up, we are going to have my parents over for dinner, and you are going to be in a very good mood. Not weird at all. You do all that, and then I will agree.
mavwok wrote:
"My fiancé says if I really loved him I'd compromise on this."
If he really loved you, he'd drop this nonsense. See? It goes both ways. Such a pity that you are discovering that you are engaged to a manipulative arsehole just as you are about to give birth. Buckle in, as this is only the start of it.
MrsNuggs wrote:
This sentence is the big red flag for me. "if I really loved him I'd compromise on this". This is emotional manipulation. You are the one who will have their hooha on full display, and that means you are the one who gets to decide who is in the room.
Evileen9 wrote:
Tell him to strip n*ked, squat down, and take a shit in front of your mother. He doesn't want to do that? If he really loved you he would do it. And tell him that if he doesn't cut this nonsense out, HE won't be in the delivery room, either.
Moose-Live wrote:
Your fiancé and his family have an extremely wrong idea of how this works. You pushing a baby out of your vagina is not a public show. Your MIL saying this will prevent her from bonding with the baby is a disgraceful show of control and manipulation. Many grandmothers do not attend the birth of their grandkids and are still able to form a loving bond.
Please speak to your doctor and the maternity ward, and tell them that under no circumstances is your MIL (or anyone else not on the list you provide) allowed near you or your baby. If your fiancé is this insensitive to your needs you might want to consider excluding him from the delivery room as well.
urfavspersonname wrote:
You're essentially asking: how do I convince my husband to be, the father of my child, my feelings are important? Think twice before marrying him. Pregnancy and childbirth are the two most vulnerable times you'll ever experience - saying you're "overreacting", minimizing your feelings so he doesn't have to deal with his overbearing mother are huge problems that don't just disappear.
TokienQueerFriend wrote:
Tell him his mom can watch when he gives birth. Jokes aside I think you should get some couples counseling because regardless of whether this is a first offense or not it's only going to get worse when the baby is out of you. He needs to learn that you and your feelings are more important than his mom's.