'AITA for leaving my fiancé after he asked me for a hall pass to be with a woman?'

"AITA for leaving my fiancé after he asked me if he could sleep with a woman one last time"

throwaway39287494 writes:

So, me (31m, gay) and my fiancé (32m, bi) have been together for 9 years and engaged for 1. We're meant to get married in 2 months. My time with him has been perfect, literally zero complaints. Honestly, I didn’t think I'd find someone who got me the way he does. Then the world remembered it hates me and decided to mess everything up since I had it too good for too long.

Last week, my fiancé sat me down and told me he wanted to discuss something with me and to keep an open mind. Sure. He said since we're getting married, he wanted to know if I would be okay with him having one night where he could sleep with a woman. My heart broke instantly. My dreams and hopes and plans vanished in an instant, and the marriage I was eager to begin was dead.

At the very beginning of our relationship, when he asked to be exclusive, I told him there will never be anyone else in our life. Just us. No one's coming into our bedroom; there will be no fantasies, no nothing.

I made it clear if he ever asked me for anything of the sort, the relationship was over immediately. There would be no conversation about it; it's done. He agreed, he said monogamy was the only thing for him and he didn't want anyone else.

Before I keep going, I do want to explain why I am the way I am. I won't give a lot of details (actually almost none), but I'll give enough to hopefully understand. My mother cheated on my father constantly. My dad was never home because his wife was awful to be around and a kid who stayed in his room alone all the time, so he wouldn’t have seen anything to be concerned about anyway.

I put all of my childhood issues on cheating. As a result of my fun little quirky younger years, I am borderline, I have anxiety and panic attacks whenever I hear people screaming, and depression, blah blah blah, I have problems.

After being with my fiancé for about a year and a half, I talked to him about my past and why I feel the way I do about things, and he was very understanding. Very comforting. Despite it being my story, I had to wipe his tears away a few times. I know he cares for me, I know he loves me and wants to spend our forever together.

Back to the present day, I am in a hotel room alone. Everyone I've told this to has said I'm crazy and stupid and need therapy. They don't understand how I can throw it all away over my partner being honest and open with me about something. He didn't actually cheat; he just wants to.

He has said he won't do it; he needs me more than any feeling a woman can give him. I am his everything. He's called me twice since I started typing this and messaged me really sweet things, so I'm at a point where I don't know what I'm doing. I look at the future and I see him.

My entire adult life I've had the mentality of "if they want to cheat, they will," so he's asking me now, and if I say no, he will eventually do it anyway but won't tell me next time. That is where my decision to leave comes from.

He will grow to resent me for denying him this thing he wants. I don't want to be that person 30 years from now finding out my husband has had 50 affairs during our marriage with a bunch of women.

When I am with someone, I'm with them. I don't look at other people. I don't entertain advances anyone makes towards me. I don't flirt with anyone else. I'm devoted in every way. People are making me feel crazy for wanting the same energy given back to me.

I can't wrap my head around him wanting to kiss someone else, to be an inch away from them and smile, and then start being intimate. I don't want to think about it, but it's all I'm thinking about. It's been almost 8 days since I left, and it's my only thought. I am losing my mind in a sh^#$y hotel room thinking about the guy I love being with some random woman who doesn't exist. I'm lost; I don’t know what to do.

I do want to say how amazing he is. He buys me flowers every Friday, he stands up for me when no one else does, he looks for me in every room, he makes me feel like I matter, he makes my greyest days bright and clear, and the smile I used to fake isn't fake anymore.

He has never judged me for the things I do; he's never made me feel bad for having off days; he just makes me feel loved. My birthday was last month, and he made me a book filled with pictures of us he's taken over the years, with the last page being blank so he can add our wedding picture eventually.

Above each picture was what he was thinking when he took it, and below is how he was feeling at the time. Part of being me is I need constant reassurance that he does love me, so I ask him those things a lot. It means everything to me, and it's my favorite thing I own. I'm just trying to say he really is great despite this one thing.

He said he'll do anything for me to come back. We can push the wedding back and just work on us, or we can call it off completely and just be together. He will never bring it up again and he's deeply sorry he ever wanted to do it, and I believe him.

Time changes people, though. I just want an unbiased opinion from someone whose life will not change whatsoever by my decision. They tend to be more truthful. I love him, and when I look at pictures of him, I hear wedding bells and I see the house he wants to buy with me and the two kids he wants to adopt at some point.

I don't want the rehashed "when trust is gone, it doesn't come back" or "you know the answer. Leave." I do trust him; I don’t trust the things I'm telling myself over and over about what may happen in the future. He has never given me a reason not to trust him, but I don’t know.

Here are the top comments:

Lovely_Anastasia12 says:

NTA. Your past experiences with sexual abuse have deeply affected your views on relationships and monogamy. Your fiance was aware of this and agreed to your terms of exclusivity. His request to sleep with another woman triggered your trauma and caused you immense pain. This is a completely valid reaction.

FeedsBlackBats says:

Are you sure it's a random woman? To ask now could it be that he's got someone in mind? I'm bi, been with my other half for over 20 years, just because I'm attracted to both males and females doesn't make me want to step away from my relationship for a night to be with someone else.

For what, because being with a female feels different to being with a man? Nope, in a committed relationship that is not a pass. Are they going to want to do that again in 10 years time? Or maybe sleep with another man one last time? In any monogamous relationship what he has asked is unacceptable and disrespectful.

bibirutan says:

Why would he even do that when he knows about your trauma? That’s so messed up.

Suspicious_Dot9658 says:

It's over. He wants to f%^& other people and you aren't yet married. Doesn't matter if it's another man or woman. He is fully aware this is a deal breaker for you. If you don't break this off now, he knows its not a deal breaker and will f%@& whatever he wants but just won't tell you. Sorry mate, at least you aren't married.

What do you think?