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'My fiance's best man is 'joking' about shaming me during his best man speech. What do I do?' UPDATED 2X

'My fiance's best man is 'joking' about shaming me during his best man speech. What do I do?' UPDATED 2X

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"My (29f) fiance's (29m) best man is 'joking' with his other groomsmen about slut shaming me during his best man speech as a joke, what do I do?"

My fiance, best man, groomsmen, and I have known each other since we were kids. We collectively met between 6th and 7th grade and have been running around in the same friend group ever since. The group has grown and shrunk over the years, but a small core of us have remained extremely close.

Recently, my fiance's best man Jay (30m) has been making jokes when we're hanging out about the two us dating that have now escalated. Admittedly, when I met Jay in 6th grade I had the hugest crush on him, and everyone knew. I was much taller than average for a girl at that age and he was one of two guys in the entire school as tall as me. That, though, is where the story ends.

I had one hell of an awkward phase in middle school, and he was very clear from the start that he was not into it. Post-awkward phase, as friends and adults, it was something we constantly joked about, but never seriously, since everything between us had always been platonic.

This joke of me being rejected by him has now recently turned into how he "dated me first" whenever Fiance and I are around. Despite the inaccuracy and an increase of it being brought up, everything has remained pretty light-hearted in context and while annoying, is something I have been able to brush off or quickly rebuttal.

This escalated this weekend when two of Fiance's groomsmen were over hanging out with Fiancé and I. The wedding was brought up, and after a concerning look between the two, they mentioned something had happened with Jay they thought we should know about.

Apparently Jay had been telling them stories he was considering for his best man speech, with the main one centering around how I had been "shared around" and had "made my way through the entire friend group." While they kept what was explicitly said fairly vague out of respect for me, they were clear it crossed the line and insinuated I had slept with the entirety of the group attending the wedding.

They were clear with Jay that he could not say anything like this in his speech/toast. Jay responded with an "I know" stating that I had already made it clear my Maid of Honor would be proof reading all speeches prior to the wedding, so he "wouldn't be able to get away with it anyway" but ended the conversation by saying something along the lines of "but what if I could?" leaving the possibility open.

Of all the groomsman in the party (6 including Jay) these two were the only ones in this core friend group, and the only ones I had any sort of history with that could potentially be notable. It was all prior to high school and very innocent. One I went on my first movie date with, where our parents had to drop each of us off because we couldn't drive, and picked us up afterwards.

The other was the classic "first" six-month relationship in middle school where it took six weeks to muster up enough courage to hug each other between classes in the hallway. Sure, we made out and very middle-school-level things happened. But this is something we've all laughed about now for over a decade.

I wasn't the only girl in this larger friend group, and throughout the years, this was something that happened pretty frequently. Because we grew up in a smaller area, overlap happened like this regularly in every group and even more so as we went through high school. My fiance is the only one I have seriously dated or had any sort of intimate relationship with of this friend group.

We had an on-again, off-again relationship throughout high school that ended for a bit once I moved out of state for college, but we remained close friends and eventually reconnected when I moved back in 2019. We started dating in 2021 and got engaged in 2023. He's the only one in all of this I have ever slept with, who has seen me naked, and so-on, making this situation even more odd and off-putting.

Jay and I have been close friends since high school. When Fiance was in a toxic relationship that isolated him from Jay after I had left for college, Jay would reach out to me for advice on school, girls, relationship and more. He had always been our number one supporter, advocating for Fiance and I to reconcile our relationship throughout college and into adulthood.

He even took a bit of credit and would throw around an "I told you so" here and there when we eventually did reconnect. I'm not sure how to handle this. I could write an additional post about how frustrated, confused, wronged, and uncomfortable I feel, all of which I plan to discuss in more detail with Fiance after sitting on the issue for a bit longer.

We've all talked about it, recognizing the way Jay is framing things is wrong, but Fiance and the groomsmen are able to brush it off in a way I feel like I can't. I don't know how to move forward from this or what to do next.

Additional Information

Fiancé and I aren’t getting married until the end of next summer, so much of the conversations had about toasts and speeches have been more theoretical, except that a few have asked for the opportunity to give a toast (including best man).

We have loosely put this information in save the dates, on the website, and other prints. Fiancé and best man have been best friends since kindergarten. They were neighbors and inseparable until they each went their own way for college. My fiancé’s parents basically raised him alongside fiancé.

Jay has strictly only ever expressed platonic feelings for me. Even when both single, or alone together, we have only ever acted as friends towards each other after the embarrassing early middle school crush I had.

TL;DR - My fiance's best man is lying about having history with me as well as my history with others, proposing the idea that he calls me out as a joke for being shared around their friend group in his best man speech/toast at our wedding. I don't know how to move forward from this or what to do next.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

StrangledinMoonlight wrote:

You and fiance need to talk about if this happens. Perhaps you can have only family make speeches, or skip them all together. If y’all do let him make a speech, talk to your DJ. Show the DJ a pic and tell the DJ any sl-t-shaming or off color comments about the bride means the DJ turns off the mic.

OP responded:

Thank you so much for this, recognizing there is still the possibility of this happening regardless of if he says he won't say these things or if I have someone proof read his speech, is a truth I was trying to avoid.

I think I was rationalizing with myself that regardless of the claims were true or not, attacking my integrity in front of my family and loved ones was not something he would do out of respect, but in actuality that line has already been crossed.

In the mix of all the emotions, talking to the DJ wasn't even an option I thought of having. I have definitely added that to the list for when I talk with my fiance in greater depths about this later, but to do regardless.

Technical_Purpose638 wrote:

Just go talk to him directly. Bring your fiancé. Say “hey Jay, I heard you were planning on saying some stuff in your wedding speech that sounded not only untrue but also pretty in appropriate. You know we love you and want to give you the benefit of the doubt but that doesn’t mean I’m going to put up with open disrespect or dishonesty."

"If none of this is true or you were just making a joke that came out bad then no worries. I just didn’t want there to be any confusion or misunderstanding though because our wedding is a huge deal and we want it to be perfect.”

itschristina8 wrote:

“Fiance and the groomsmen are able to brush it off in a way I feel like I can't” -yes, because it’s not insulting to them, it’s insulting to you. You need to have a serious talk with Jay with your fiance present. Explain to him that you feel like jokes like this are wrong, hurtful and offensive to you and your morals.

Also, they are INACCURATE. If he doesn’t accept your viewpoint, ask him straight up why he’s so stuck in high school silly things and whether it’s because he peaked in high school and a girl hasn’t shown real interest in him since. Stand your ground. And make sure he knows what the consequences are going to be if he decides to revolve his speech around this awful joke.

pdurante wrote:

What does your fiancée have to say about all of this? He better have your back here, and tell an almost 30 year-old man to be an adult during his speech. This isn’t high school anymore. He can joke around of course, but slut-shaming the bride goes beyond inappropriate.

Two days later, OP had a major update.

First, I wanted to thank those who were clear and honest about how alarming the situation was from their perspective. When posting I was still processing various feelings about the matter, and still am, which not only limited by ability to really look at the situation from a different perspective, but also left me in a state of paralysis of what to do next, both long and short term.

Given the nature of this situation, there was a lot of historical context that was omitted to avoid making the original post too lengthy. I have done my best to include context that seems most relevant based on the original comments in my update below.

Since posting, I have spoken in further detail to both my fiance and one of the other groomsmen. I also confided in my maid of honor about the situation for an additional perspective outside of this specific friend group. After these conversations and reading through all comments on the original post, I've come to realize the significance of a few key details:

Jay has a deep rooted superiority complex. He always has, and it is something many in our friend group have become accustomed to. He has always been the type who seemed to believe he was the standout amongst his friends. Whether that be through education, athletics, his career, or with women.

Jay has also always been a bit egocentric, and a lack of accountability or consequences for his actions has been growing for some time now. Despite it almost always being unintentional, he more often than not is oblivious to the inconveniences and harm he causes others, as long as it is beneficial to his personal ego.

This is about jealousy from a few different angles, but not about me specifically. When looking at the full picture, this escalation feels like a continued attempt to knock my fiance down for reaching that next stage in life. Whether that is because Fiance has reached it before him or has moved onward without him, I cannot say for sure.

Jay has issues with mis-gyny that have also been escalating in tangent with everything else. His lack of respect for the women he has dated has also seemed to increase. Much of the personal tension him and I have had recently pertain to his perspective of women that have begun to veer into a more disrespectful realm, alluding to an increased belief that due to their gender alone, women are inferior.

The good friend he was to me over the years, who was always kind and supportive, who never overstepped boundaries and was always there when needed, can exist in tangent with the above information. They are not mutually exclusive. Life happens and people grow, sometimes in opposite directions.

I spoke in depth with one of the groomsmen to have further transparency of the situation and what was explicitly said. He acknowledged that the conversation initially centered around the excitement they had for the wedding, and Jay clearly stating he wanted to give Fiance and I the best wedding and experience possible.

The conversation evolved and Jay mentioned looking for 'icebreakers' for his speech/toast and began bouncing a variety of 'distasteful jokes' that focused more so on the expense of my fiance than anything else.

Then the idea was proposed about explicitly stating that my being 'passed around the friend group' was how they all remained 'relatively close since middle school and high school.' Jay was immediately shut down by the other groomsmen, told to know his audience, and also recognize he was openly alluding to things that were untrue and that could have an extremely negative impact on me personally.

The conversation stopped shortly after this, and the groomsmen, without context of how this issue had been escalating, chalked it up to a one-off situation with Jay acting full of himself in the moment.

Fiance and I are the first of our cohort to get married and have a full blown wedding with a ceremony and reception. These comments did not start escalating until after our engagement roughly one year ago, following Jay's breakup with his long term girlfriend. Jay has never made comments like this to me or my fiance privately or when it is just the three of us together.

Any scenario where this has been an issue has been in an environment which involved others, and mostly others that are not a part of this cohort from middle school.

...so, what next?

As mentioned in my original post, I spoke with Fiance in detail about the situation and how I was feeling. When all of this had been brought to our attention a few days prior, in an attempt to preserve myself in the moment, I brushed it off more so than I probably should have.

I do not blame Fiance for not having any immediate or strong reaction in the moment, because I had avoided one myself. I think it's important to note that Jay is not a day-to-day character in our lives. While he travels frequently for work that brings him to our area, we live states a part. He has not lived in the same area as me or my fiance since high school.

Much of this evolution with his personality has happened in the last few years as well. I recognize this is not an excuse for the lack of accountability on our part, but felt it added important context that this was not something that was observed and ignored daily, but one that has slowly been recognized over time, since we maybe see him 4 times a year at most.

Fiance was extremely open in conversation, immediately brought up having a conversation with Jay, but admitted to not viewing this as anything more than Jay 'just being Jay' and that he was 'all talk.'

At this point, we had only discussed how Jay had continually escalated the situation and how uncomfortable I had now become from this. The lack of accountability Fiance had made for Jay's action definitely hurt, but then I recalled a commenter who had asked if I still considered Jay a friend because he actually was, or because 'that was how it has always been.'

To sum up what turned into a lengthier and much more productive conversation with Fiance, I told him that while I recognized his friendship with Jay was something that had always been a part of his life, I did not personally want to be friends with him anymore after this.

I brought to Fiance's attention that while the scenario was explicitly about me, and attacking the integrity and character of a 12-year-old girl, every action or usage of the scenario was used against him to invalidate his accomplishments of getting married or make him come off as less than.

I told Fiance it was up to him on how he handles his conversation with Jay, but regardless, the disrespect Jay had shown me in this was a clear statement of what he thought of our own personal friendship.

I firmly believe it is not my place to force how my fiance handles his own personal relationship with Jay in this. All of this was deeply taken to heart, and you could tell that Fiance had started coming to his own realizations as the conversation progressed.

He recognized that if the roles were reversed, or if it had been any one of my bridesmaids slandering me or him in any way, he would be firmly advocating for me to reevaluate my friendship with them. Fiance asked for a few days to stomach the information himself and reflect on what he wants to say to Jay.

He asked if it would be acceptable for him to bring up that I no longer wanted to be friends with Jay personally, and I said yes. I was clear that if Jay wanted to talk with me following their conversation as well, it would need to be the three of us and not a personal conversation. I am still evaluating how to approach the speeches/toasts at our wedding and open to perspectives and ideas.

For now, I reserved the right with my Fiance to omit Jay from giving a speech and having my fiance choose another groomsmen to do so in his place, potentially canceling the speeches/toasts altogether, and if Jay is allowed to give a toast, telling the DJ to cut the mic if need be. All of which he agreed with.

There is still plenty of time for the situation to develop, and for potential future updates, but I wanted to again thank those that emphasized the seriousness of this issue, gave their honest input and advice on how to handle the situation, and provided perspective on what they believe should be done next.

When originally posting, I was still in a state of shock, trying to accept the situation as it had unfolded. Your responses constructively pushed me into the reality of what was happening, and what I was feeling.

The comments kept coming in response.

miserablywinning wrote:

Whew I have a couple of comments…

How were you/fiance friends with this guy for that long and been okay with his behavior?

Why is his best man so comfortable to even joke about something like that?

Why does he need time to digest cutting him off?

Why is he even still involved in the wedding??? Me personally, I wouldn’t allow anyone to disrespect my significant other, let alone someone I am supposed to be marrying, best man or not.

I think they are both walking red flags. Jay for being a misogynist and your fiance for not cutting him out of the wedding and his life. These things can be taken as a joke sure but the level of disrespect is too great and your fiance should stick up for you if he has any shroud of decency and respect for you as his fiance and soon to be wife.

OP responded:

Happy to answer, since I think it will be helpful for many. I also added a very small edit to the update to acknowledge a bit of this. Much of this behavior has developed over time and a part from all of us. As a kid he always had a superiority complex, but he was also very kind and respectful. It came off more as immaturity than anything else. Plus, at the time, we were kids too.

Following high school, Jay and I each moved a significant distance away from where we grew up. He still lives that far away. We get together maybe four times a year at most, and I genuinely believe he did not see me as more than some woman to use as collateral to knock his 'friend' down when he made those comments.

Fiance has no brothers, and Jay has always been a part of his life, filling that space. Jay also has no immediate family in his life, and hasn't for quite sometime, making Fiance's role a bit more impactful. It is much more similar to him cutting off a brother than just another friend. Fiance has also always been extremely kind and had a very peaceful soul.

Don't get me wrong, while Fiance prefers to avoid conflict, he has always been willing to stand up when necessary as well. I don't believe he realized how much had been at his expense as of late until after our conversation. Given their long history, I believe he's reflecting on a lot more than just this specific situation.

The wedding is still over a year away, and not until the end of next summer. And this all has happened in less than a week. Neither Fiance or I have talked with Jay yet, so I did not feel it was right to post about any hard decisions regarding cutting him from the wedding, and so on.

"These things can be taken as a joke sure but the level of disrespect is too great and your fiance should stick up for you if he has any shroud of decency and respect for you as his fiance and soon to be wife."

This was a huge part of the larger conversation we had and something my fiance acknowledged as well. I think initially, it was viewed under the lens of us collectively being childhood friends, and Fiance as the mediator, rather than the lens of me as his wife until our second, much larger conversation.

AsInOptimus wrote:

It’s only been a handful of days since this all came to light. I wish your fiancé’s reaction had been more about coming to your defense than Jay’s, but understand that sometimes people need time to truly process all that contributes to a messy situation, especially one with deep roots and close ties.

I hope your fiancé spends this time really examining his recent interactions with Jay and the current harm he’s caused, and the potential harm he could still cause. I hope he honors you as his partner and does the right thing. I’m still of the mindset that Jay shouldn’t be allowed near a mic during your reception.

The trust is already broken. Even IF he somehow manages to redeem himself, will you honestly be able to sit there and NOT worry the entire time that he’s been biding his time? You shouldn’t be focused on giving the DJ the k-l signal because you’re stressed the best man might publicly humiliate you.

You should be focused on the heartfelt words of a friend whose words are meant to be lifting you up in celebration and love. When Jay lost your trust, he also lost the privilege. Wishing you and your fiancé best of luck and the fortitude to see this through to a happy end.

OP responded:

"It’s only been a handful of days since this all came to light. I wish your fiancé’s reaction had been more about coming to your defense than Jay’s, but understand that sometimes people need time to truly process all that contributes to a messy situation, especially one with deep roots and close ties."

Thank you for conveying this so well. I did my best to add an emphasis to this, but could not do so as well in my own words and fear it got lost in the length of the post (something for me to work on in future posts for sure).

I very much have worries, and knowing my personality, will also be worried day-of. I expressed this to my fiance as well, and he completely understood. I recognize there is still plenty of concern to still address with my fiance. But given how fresh this situation is, I wanted to afford myself a little grace of absorbing my feelings for what has happened before figuring out exactly what to do. I lost a friend too.

[deleted] wrote:

OP, what you are describing is a bitter misogynist. If you plan to serve alcohol at your wedding you should not have Jay there at all. All it will take is one drink too many and he will be bragging to some table of guests about how he "had you first" or how "we passed her around."

He doesn't need a speech to create a complete nightmare for you (and quite possibly a fistfight because even if your groom knows you wouldn't want that, one of the other men that you are close friends with is very likely to take exception on your behalf. And if none of them do, your MOH might just slap the ever living s--t out of him.)

He has made it impossible for you to enjoy your own wedding in his presence. His reward is having his invitation revoked. If your fiance thinks that's too harsh, you need to be very clear with him that you did NOT do this. Jay did this to himself by not acting like a decent human being.

Six months later, OP shared another update.

I’m considering canceling our wedding and calling off our engagement over a pizza.

TL/DR; After canceling his health insurance without discussion or my knowledge, and a severe lack of support, consideration, and accountability, I’m considering calling everything off.

Buckle up, because this is a long one…while the drama around my fiance’s best man has simmered, the deeper issues surrounding a lack of support have not. Apologies in advance for this not being center around my finance’s best man — not much has honestly changed.

A conversation between them was had, much of which was my fiancé assuring him that things would blow over and accommodating Jay’s stresses that it was only a joke. While my fiancé acknowledged what was said was wrong, the conversation wasn’t to set boundaries. I eventually had to have my own conversation with Jay that my fiance stood silently in the room for.

I reached my breaking point two weeks ago. Following everything with his best man and a few other challenges we’d been facing, I tried putting my best foot forward these past six months. I sought out therapy to address the lack of support and anxiety I was feeling and have made intentional efforts to work on our relationship to ensure we were in a stronger place before committing to each other.

In May, after some unexpected and startling health concerns requiring a need for an emergency room visit, my fiancé came clean to me about secretly canceling his health insurance in January without talking to or telling me.

When I asked him why, he blamed the cost of the wedding being too expensive and wanting to save the $150 a month, taking no other accountability for his actions, outside of an apology.

I have a small amount of experience in accounting and have budgeted the wedding down to the last dollar. This has included the consideration of inflation, and other potentials as well. In total, from the smallest decoration to the cost of a marriage certificate, everything comes down to around $22,000 dollars, all of which I have strategically budgeted for throughout our two year engagement.

My parents have graciously given us $14,000 as well to help with the expenses and I have personally taken on the price of my dress, wedding bands, and a slightly larger portion of the vendors. To put it simply, while it may not be as much as others, we have privilege. Not only was there no need for this cancelation, but I have yet to see any of that additional support for expenses.

Regardless, in response, I took it upon myself to take more of the costs on and pursue a part time job on top of my full time position that earns roughly $70,000 a year. While it’s not by a large margin, I do make the most between us individually, and have a larger responsibility in my daily work life with longer hours and a significant level of expected travel as a result.

The choice to take on a part time role was not one of want, but of desire to ease the burden he was feeling. I started a role reviewing blogs, essays, resumes, and other forms of writing in July, and our relationship quickly unraveled.

Because I commute, I typically arrive home 3 hours after my fiancé. After arriving, I would immediately have to hop on my laptop and review writings for the next two hours or so to stay on top of my quota. I tried my best to make a routine out of it, so we would have intentional time together once I finished each night.

This was met with cold shouldering, frustration, and a lack of consideration for my level of exhaustion and strain for months. Anytime I asked him to choose a show to watch or decide on dinner while (he usually does cook because I get home so much later) while I revised, I was met with scoffs and accusations that I no longer cared to tend to our relationship.

I tried countless times to address his frustrations, and was shut out or cornered in a circular argument about my priorities. Two weeks ago, I was slated to travel for my full time position to Atlanta during Hurricane Helene.

In a matter of 12 hours, my afternoon flight for the next day was shifted to one leaving at 5:00am, to give me ample time to shelter in place prior to the arrival of the storm. I rushed home to finish packing and prepare myself to drive over an hour to the airport and stay at a hotel nearby for additional flexibility in case of issues surrounding my early travel that next morning.

After arriving home, I immediately hopped in the shower and asked my fiancé to order dinner so we could have one final meal together. During my shower, he offered to order a hot honey, jalapeño, and pineapple pizza from a new place we’d been wanting to try.

Which I normally, would have been happy to try. However, I don’t like jalapeño the way some people don’t like cilantro, and am avidly against pineapple on pizza. Something that’s come up multiple times during our relationship. And while I’m good with spice, the idea of taking that on with the travel stress and early start time I had the next day made me hesitant.

I calmly asked if there was another option for tonight and if we could try that specific pizza once I got home instead, expressing my concerns over my nerves, which received a frustrated scoff and sarcastic response of “what then, just cheese?” I explained any other topping combination would work, and restated my issues. He walked out of the bathroom without response, and I finished my shower.

The pizza was never ordered, no food was ordered. I followed up as soon I got out of the shower, asking if there was another option he wanted or place he wanted to consider, and received a prompt no. As I finished getting ready, I asked if anything had been ordered again, and no.

I finally snapped and begged and demanded him to order the hot honey pizza because I was out of time. He accused me of making him feel like he’s forcing me into the decision, but after a bit of back and forth, the pizza was ordered and the mood immediately shifted, Everything was peaceful, warm, and loving at home up until I left. Yet, I cried the entire hour and fifteen minute drive to the airport hotel.

I cried the entire next day, throughout the storm in Atlanta, and the entire day after. Following a lack of sleep, stress, and intense emotions, I had a complete mental breakdown, realizing I can’t live like this. I called my fiancé and poured out every frustration, emotion, and feeling, which I admit was probably not presented in the best light, but none of it was well received.

In the two weeks since, despite many attempts, conversations have gone nowhere, with only ultimatums being offered for me to make. I’ve proposed countless alternatives that focus on us working on ourselves and together these next few months.

But he is only seeking an answer to whether or not we will be getting married next summer, and has made it known this is a decision that must be made by the end of October. At this point, I don’t see how I can possibly gain the confidence to commit myself to him by next summer.

For the sake of not doubling the length of this post, I will leave it at this for now. All of this is being discussed with my therapist. At this time, he has chosen not to pursue counseling with me, despite my asking and advocating. Many words have been expressed, and I am trying. But I’m starting to second guess and waiver on just how far love can get me through all of this.

The internet continued to be invested in OP's quandary.

stitchandreuben wrote:

I’m both surprised and not surprised by the fact that two of the other groomsmen were more willing to stick up for OP to Jay, than her own fiancé was.

Although for her sake, I think it’s good that these issues are coming up before the wedding, instead of after.

FatherCalhoon wrote:

Sounds like he wants to end it by making you break up with him. It's just like the pizza, in the end you'll have to accommodate his behavior without it ever changing.

Dachshundsmom wrote:

Why are you marrying someone who sees you giving 200% to this relationship, killing yourself to "ease his burden," going to therapy to be a better partner, and working yourself to death and scoffs, belittles, and minimizes you? He won't do therapy. He won't even be considerate enough to order a damn pizza.

How many red flags does it take for you to accept reality that this isn't a good guy. Maybe he was once, but not anymore. He's not your partner. He does not love, cherish, or respect you as a partner. You deserve better. Dump him. Keep doing the work in therapy. Heal from this and move on.

Sources: Reddit
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