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'AITA for telling my fiancé how his stepmom tried to sneak into our wedding?'

'AITA for telling my fiancé how his stepmom tried to sneak into our wedding?'


My fiancé's stepmom blames me for her poor relationship with him.

Classic-Pea7203 writes:

My fiancé Jamie (28m) has a stepmother, "Ellen." Jamie isn't close to Ellen or to his dad, and this is why she approached me instead of Jamie. Three-ish weeks ago, Ellen showed up at our house and asked me if I could help her surprise Jamie with a dance for the two of them at our wedding.

She told me she had hoped he would ask or that he would honor her as the mother of the groom in some way, but as more time passed and she heard nothing from him about the wedding, she had realized he wasn't planning to dance with her or make her feel special.

She told me she loved him since he was 3 years old (when she first met him) and becoming his mom officially had meant so much to her, but he had never acknowledged her as the sole mother figure since he was 5, and she felt like it was only right and fair that on his wedding day, that happen.

For context: Jamie's parents divorced when he was 1; his dad met Ellen when Jamie was 3 and married when he was 5. Jamie's mom died just three months after the wedding, and Jamie moved in with his dad and Ellen full time.

I knew Jamie would hate it and would never agree to dance with Ellen. She acknowledged as much, and she told me how much it broke her heart that he always rejected and denied her as his mother. So she wanted to do something where he wouldn't say no, and they could have a moment, and she could have that mother/son moment he had refused to give her his whole life.

She told me how much it hurt her that Jamie never returned any love or affection for her and disliked her in a way that stung worse than anything because she always tried to give him the love and affection and mothering he needed, and nothing she did was good enough, and she always lived in the shadows of his mom.

I could see how upset it made her. But I still said no. I knew Jamie wouldn't want to, and that was enough for me. She tried to convince me, but couldn't, and she asked me not to say anything. I didn't agree or disagree. I didn't want a fight with her. But I did tell Jamie.

Jamie wasn't happy, but he said nothing at first. Then Ellen asked him directly, and after telling her no in the clearest way possible, he also read her the riot act for going behind his back and trying to force this on him via me.

And of course, she was pissed that I told Jamie. She accused me of making things worse between them. Jamie told her I had done nothing wrong and that supporting him was not making things worse, but her refusal to accept that he will never, ever see her as his mom is doing a good enough job of that.

She sent me a text a few hours after the confrontation, and she told me I knew it would make things worse, and I told him anyway, which made me untrustworthy and a troublemaker. I blocked her after showing Jamie the text. AITA?

Here are the top comments:

DragonCelica says:

NTA (Not the A^&#ole). "I know Jaime would detest my demand to have my shining moment at your wedding, but can you help me ambush him so social pressure will hopefully force him into doing what I feel I'm entitled to? Also, can you not tell him I asked you to help orchestrate this betrayal?"

Your loyalty lies with the person you're building a life with. Protecting your partner is the priority, and you did exactly what you should have. Stepmom's refusal to be accountable in any way for trying to prioritize her needs via betrayal tells me why your fiance keeps her at a distance.

thesweeterpeter writes:

NTA. My rule is that if I tell someone anything, I expect their spouse will know it by the time they go to bed. And once you accept that, life and secrets etc is just a lot easier.

She put you in an awful situation, and she should not have expected that you would withhold this from Jamie - you did the right thing by telling him, and shouldn't feel for a moment that it was wrong. You're his partner, and it's going to be official soon. Her asking you to start that with a secret between you at the actual ceremony is absolutely incredible to me.

If I were you I'd be going back to Ellen and telling her off for trying to do that to you. It was wrong of her to ask you to keep a secret like that from your future husband, and jeopardizes the entire concept of what a marriage is. I know I'm being a bit hyperbolic, but it's a serious issue to me.

Coastalkid92 says:

NTA. His wedding day is not the time to try and ambush him into having a "stepmother/stepson" moment. You were 100% spot on with telling Jamie about this. You don't need to be trustworthy to Ellen, you need to be trustworthy to your future spouse.

kiwihoney says:

NTA. Ellen is a piece of work, though. I wouldn’t blame you guys if you disinvited her to the entire wedding.

Good on you for not entertaining her insane request. What kind of deluded person thinks it’s okay to spring a surprise mother/son dance on their stepchild at their wedding so they can “have their moment” when they KNOW their stepchild doesn’t want it? That’s selfish and cruel and just disgusting.

You did exactly the right thing, OP. Y’all cannot trust Ellen at all with anything to do with the wedding or, frankly, with anything ever. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like if you two have kids; she’s going to be a nightmare. I hope you manage to have a beautiful and drama free wedding, OP!

Tasty-Mall8577 says:

Make sure you brief the DJ or band that NOBODY can request songs but you. She may try to ambush again - & keep the microphone away from her during speeches. Ask his dad or one of the relatives to keep an eye on her so you can enjoy your wedding.

What do you think? Should OP have told her fiance?

Sources: Reddit
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