'My fiancé's brother drunk dialed me saying he's in love with me. What do I do?' UPDATED 2X

"My [25/F] fiancé's [28/M] brother [25/M] drunk dialed me saying he's in love with me."

I've know both of them since college. I actually met the brother, Lucas, first. He was in the audience while I was performing a spoken word piece. Our friends knew each other, we met, etc, etc. Lucas eventually introduced me to his older brother, Miles, and I was instantly "smitten" as they say. Miles and I started dating very quickly after we met.

He's always been very assertive and confident, while Lucas is quiet and introverted.

Miles and I are now engaged. We're aiming the wedding for next year, hopefully in the summer unless something goes horribly wrong. Lucas is going to be best man. We are very happy together.

Last night, Lucas called me at around one o'clock in the morning. Right away I knew something was wrong because he never calls, especially not so late. He's more of a texter. I didn't actually answer the call because I was in the bathroom. I figured I'd call him after I was done.

He ended up leaving a message saying this word for word, "Jess...Jess, my friend, how are you? I missed you at the bar last week. We were supposed to go to the karaoke place, remember? You're a terrible singer by the way. Smart and clever, but a terrible singer. Anyway...I'm really drunk right now and I'll probably regret saying this in the morning if I can remember it but ... I love you, Jess. Weird, right?"

"You're funny and beautiful and I love the f out of you and I'm so sorry. You and Miles are a good couple. I'mhappy my brother found such an amazing person to spend his life with. I would say I wish I met you first, but I did, didn't I? Anyway ... sorry. Please don't tell Miles. I just wanted to say it out loud to you once. That's all. Bye."

I was in shock, and then I cried, and then I sat down and thought of everything that happened since I performed my spoken word all those years ago. I honestly had no idea. Lucas has dated and been in a few relationships since I've known him. He was only ever amazing to those girls. Kind, doting, respectful, loyal, the list goes on. He didn't say how long he's felt this way. Maybe it's new?

I don't know. Either way I don't know what to do. Should I talk to him about it? Should I tell Miles? Should I take this to the grave and pretend I don't know? I'd want to know if my sister had called my fiancé and admitted to being in love with him. But I don't want to strain my fiance's relationship with his brother. On top of that, Lucas was drunk...he likely doesn't even remember he left the message.

TL;DR - I met the brother first. Now that my fiancé and I are officially engaged to be married, my future BIL called me to tell me he's in love with me. He did it without agenda it seems, and he asked me not to tell my fiancé. I don't know what to do.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Update: Miles came home a couple of hours ago. I played him the message expecting some level of shock or anger, but he just went, "Oh...s$%t. Is he okay?" To my relief, Miles is honestly just concerned. He's not angry at all. In fact, he said he had an inkling that Lucas was, at the very least, attracted to me, but he had no idea it was love.

He asked me how I feel about the situation, and I told him my only concern is our relationship. As much as I care about Lucas as a friend, I'm not entirely sure what he wants from me if anything at all. I'm marrying his brother in less than a year. On the one hand, I feel bad for him because unrequited love is a shitty thing and I've been there, but on the other...I'm annoyed.

I don't really know why I'm annoyed, just that I am. In any case, Miles thinks I should have a sit down with Lucas. I expected him to want to talk to his brother, but he said we should maintain the illusion that he doesn't know if only to spare Lucas the guilt and/or embarrassment. He knows his brother better than anyone, so I'll follow his lead on this.

The thing is, I'm not even sure Lucas remembers leaving the message...hopefully he does. I would hate to break the news. I guess I'll post another update after meeting with Lucas. I still have no idea what to say. "Hey. You drunk dialed me saying you love me. What's up with that?" No, probably not a good approach...

The internet had a lot to say in response.

[deleted] wrote:

Read your update. If it were me, I would want my fiance to handle it. The relationship between the brothers is the most important thing, and if his brother reports the conversation between you and him going differently, it will make things worse.

Really, this isn't about you at all. Your fiance pegged it. Maybe the brother is very lonely, jealous of the relationship (more than of you in particular), or having some unrelated issue that is manifesting weird. Either way, those issues are best resolved with his brother, not you.

He involved his brother by nature when he told you. He might as well have said "dont call an ambulance but I am having a heart attack".

Again, I personally would feel more comfortable with it being just the brothers.

OP responded:

I agree. I went in fully expecting Miles to want to handle this on his own, but he made his stance very clear, "Lucas isn't just my brother to you. He's one of your best friends. I trust you, and I also trust him."

"He told you because he's ready to get over you. Talk to him, see where his head's at. Let him know how you feel even if he doesn't want to hear it." We've been texting on/off all morning. To be honest, I'm even more ready to marry him than I was before. He's handling this so well.

Erelice wrote:

"I'm annoyed. I don't really know why I'm annoyed, just that I am."

My speculation on this: 1) Drama is frustrating. 2) It's your Fiance's brother. He decided you had to know how he was feeling versus him finding a healthy way to deal with it (ex: therapy). What did he expect?

That you were going to jump from your relationship to be with him? That you would keep this secret from the man you're planning to spend the rest of your life with? What good did telling you really do for either of you?

Those are the reasons I would personally be annoyed at this. It's a natural reaction to something that could have been potentially detrimental to your relationship/your fiance's relationship with his family.

MooPig48 wrote:

Aww. Glad the fiancee is handling it so well. Miles should have a talk with him, a gentle one, and let him know that he loves him and understands, but that he can't ever, ever repeat that behavior.

[deleted] wrote:

It's much more dramatic and romantic (to some people) to be 'in love' with someone who's unavailable. The drama is why people are drawn to unrequited love and those kinds of stories. He's not in love with you but I'm sure he's attracted to you. In a nutshell, he's behaving immaturely and my advice is to treat it like a juvenile outburst.

Nothing slays the drama like a straightforward but brief discussion about your disappointment in his behavior. two minutes face to face (with or without your fiance) and done:

"Lucas, you called while you were drunk to tell me you were in love with me. This is embarrassing for both of us and I'm disappointed. I care for you because you're family. You need to better control yourself when you're drinking. Alright? Are we ok? Good."

If he expresses any other feelings in your presence I would NOT coddle him but stand up, express your disappointment, tell him even if weren't about to marry his brother you two would not be compatible and that you think maybe there's something else going on with him but it has nothing to do with you and he needs to deal with that. end the conversation. Treat him like family because he is.

He's not a jilted lover and he doesn't need to be told how great he is and that he'll find someone, etc. That's for another day when he's having his own relationships- Right now, it's best in my opinion, to just shut down the behavior by setting very very clear boundaries while keeping the door open to 'family' only.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

Big thanks to everyone who left a comment in the original post. Your input was very helpful! I have since talked to Lucas. Again, Miles' idea. His logic was simple. Lucas told me the truth because he was ready to let go and get over me, or rather, whatever idea of me he had in his head.

Miles thinks keeping Lucas as best man at our wedding will be punishment enough. As brutal as that sounds, I can't help but agree. Lucas isn't a child and shouldn't be treated like one.

I think he knows we're disappointed in him. Worried and sympathetic, but disappointed just the same. If he were truly looking to split the engagement, I feel like he would have taken a more sophisticated approach than drunk dialling me. In any case, we had a chat at mine and Miles' house.

Miles was home, in his study working. Lucas and I had lunch in the kitchen. To my relief, he did not feign ignorance. We talked for maybe twenty or thirty minutes. He told me he originally wanted to ask me out in university but waited too long, and then stepped aside when he saw that I was interested in his brother instead.

He said he left the voice message without agenda, and I believe him. The way he was talking, his words came off more cathartic and apologetic than hopeful. They didn't come off hopeful at all, actually. He made sure to say our friendship was still genuine and whatever we've gone through since we met, was untainted.

The moments of "what if?" were brief, he said, but heavy. By the end of our talk, he was able to admit that maybe his feelings stem from desire for a relationship similar to mine and Miles', and not so much desire for me. I told him he's still very welcome to the wedding if he feels he's ready for something like that, and he told me he'll be there for sure. We left it at that.

All in all, I'm confident everything will be okay. It might take a while before we're normal around each other, but we had a chance to talk and clear the air, and right now that's good enough for me.

TL;DR - Lucas and I chatted. We're good. Miles is good. Everything's good.

The internet was glad to hear a resolution.

Grandmastergush wrote:

Girl, all you can do now is delete facebook, hit the gym, and...wait, this was already handled through mature and direct communication? Yeah, guess that works too.

Good on you OP :)

OP responded:

Haha thank you. Adult communication works wonders! Go figure.

croshead wrote:

Big thumbs up to your fiancé as well. I know a lot of guys who would be mad at their brother and keep an extra eye on you.

OP responded:

Yeah, he's great. That's why I'm marrying him haha.

good_advice_service wrote:

That's genuinely awesome. Such a mature and level headed approach from all concerned.

OP responded:

Thank you!

thankful-me wrote:

You all handled it very maturely, congratulations, a great outcome given the situation.

OP responded:

Best case scenario, for sure.