'My FIL led a smear campaign against me and came between me and my wife. How do I move forward?' UPDATED

"My (27M) FIL (59M) led a smear campaign against me and came between me and my wife (29F). I'm lost. How do I forge forward?"

My (27M) wife (29F) and I aren't in a good place. It's not a fun feeling. I feel context is important here. We're college sweethearts married for 6 years and have a daughter (4F). Our constant hurdle is family. It's like having to validate our relationship. I always thought my wife was worth it, though. I haven't felt for anyone else the way I do about her.

My wife's family is very old school. They're conservative in their beliefs and values. My FIL (59M) is treated as the captain and looked to as the head. My relationship with him was never smooth, not for my lack of trying. Him putting up with me only came after my daughter. I don't believe he's ever thought I was good enough for his daughter. I wasn't his first choice or in his top five.

I don't share their gated community or fancy schools background. My FIL always had some backhanded remark about my upbringing. During a family gathering at my in-laws last Christmas, my FIL's iPad went missing. He blew a fuse and accused me of stealing it. His reasoning was there was a period of time I was alone in the house.

I was never actually alone in the house. I was helping my MIL (58F) in the kitchen because people were kicking back their feet while she was slaving away for a big family. There was no reasoning with him. He called the p#lice and actually told the officers how a real man would own up when caught, but I was never taught to be a man.

Another backhanded remark. I was raised in a household of women. My FIL expressed once that only a man can raise a boy into a man. I spoke up for myself during his rantings. The whole situation was humiliating, but I had nothing to hide. The officers had to deescalate and stood around until everyone went their separate ways.

My FIL did a smear campaign on social media accusing me of theft and saying how I wasn't family. Some real vicious stuff was said. It impacted my life. I lost a job opportunity because his posts came up in the vetting process. The company was rebranding and didn't want drama associated.

Essentially, I was shunned from the family. There were those who didn't agree with my FIL, but they wanted to stay out of it. No one wanted to cross him. I was no longer welcomed on my in-laws' property until I confessed and apologized. My wife still attended everything without me and took our daughter with her even on NYE.

I wanted to spend it with her and our daughter, but she chose to appease her dad and keep tradition. During all of my FIL's accusations, the smear campaign, and shunning, my wife didn't lend me support in any way. She bowed to her dad and would tell me to just apologize. She said I was being stubborn by refusing.

It wasn't about apologizing. My FIL wanted me to beg. I'm not a prideful person, but I'm not getting on my knees and pleading for forgiveness for something I didn't commit. My wife said she was only trying to keep the peace instead of being right. Once my FIL badmouthed me around our daughter, and my wife never spoke up. She claimed she didn't hear him. I don't believe she would've done anything either way.

Our daughter kept me afloat. I put my foot down on her attending gatherings after the badmouthing. My wife accused me of escalating by withholding our daughter. I felt my FIL tried to influence my child against me. My move was for boundaries.

I wasn't asking my wife to cut off her dad. I know how important family is to her. But we're married. We have a child. We made vows. I only wanted her to be there for me as my partner and best friend. She abandoned me. I had more support from my MIL and SIL (35F) than I ever did from her.

We fought a lot. We were pushed to a new level of argument. I held everything in, and we'd blow up. My wife said she'd dealt with her dad her whole life, and she learned sometimes it was better to just yield. About a month ago, my name was cleared. My SIL found the iPad in her son's (9M) room. He confessed to taking it. He was afraid to say anything after my FIL's reaction to me.

My FIL has never apologized or publicly recanted. He acts like nothing happened, and the rest of the family followed suit. He had my MIL relay that I was welcome to their home again. Others began inviting me to functions. I've declined for myself and my daughter.

I'm not holding grudges or using my daughter as punishment. I saw who my FIL was clearly. I don't want any involvement with him unless necessary, nor is my daughter allowed to have unsupervised visits with him. I don't want her exposed to the ugliness.

The situation remains a sore on my marriage. My wife won't talk about it. If I try, she says I'm throwing the past in her face. I'm just trying to open up to her about how everything still affects me. She feels I'm not working toward keeping the peace. My FIL falsely accused me of theft, led a smear campaign, badmouthed me around our daughter, and was enabled by some family.

This is me keeping the peace. Idk if this post is the right call. My wife wouldn't approve, but there's no talking to her about this in any real way. I'm lost. We've never been so disconnected. I'm in love with her. I wouldn't have stayed if I wasn't. I want to work on our marriage and do right by our daughter.

I don't regret my choice on my FIL, but I am questioning if I'm making things worse. I feel alone. I need a fresh perspective.

How do I move forward as healthily as possible for my marriage when Idk where to step?

TL;DR: My FIL falsely accused me of stealing from him and went on a smear campaign. I was essentially shunned from the family. He even badmouthed me around my child. I received no support from my wife whatsoever. She wanted me to apologize to "keep the peace." The whole ordeal came between us.

My name was cleared, but my FIL hasn't apologized. I don't want anything to do with him or for my daughter to have unsupervised contact with him. My wife doesn't support me on this. I want to work on our marriage and do right by our daughter. How do I move forward as healthily as possible for my marriage when Idk where to step?

The internet did not hold back their thoughts on the situation.

HelloJumebug wrote:

WTF. I don’t see how you do. Your wife either knew you didn’t do it but was unwilling to stand up for you, or she believed you did do it. What happens when it’s not an iPad being stolen, but something way worse? Your wife will never be on your side.

OP responded:

She knew I didn't do it. She just never stood up to her dad in any way or offer any support. She folded and checked out on me and left it to me meet these demands of taking ownership. It's made me question our relationship.

helloperoxide wrote:

Wow. I would just simply say you and your daughter won’t be attending anything without a full written apology from FIL. But your marriage is probably done tbh.

OP responded:

Yeah, I made it known that I had no intent of participating with my FIL more than necessary and no unsupervised visits for my daughter. When my FIL wanted an apology I was told I was being stubborn. When he never offer not me an apology I'm told I'm not letting the past go. I just really expected more from my wife.

JCMidwest wrote:

You lost a job? Get a lawyer. If your wife won't take your side the legal system may. Beyond that you don't have issues in your relationship because of your wife's family, you have issues in your relationship because of your wife.

It also seems like you have a long way to go with being able to deal with conflict and set boundaries, this would be what I would focus on aling with other ways of self improvement. You can't individualy fix a relationship, but you can change and grow and either the relationship grows with you or you grow out of it.

OP responded:

I was up for an interview. It was an opportunity for another field I was looking to get into. Idk where to go in my marriage from here. She does everything in her power to avoid the elephant in the room. It's like she doesn't want to acknowledge how much on separate sides we were. I mentioned counseling and she said we didn't need more people in family business.

A week later, OP shared an update.

I (27M) want to thank everyone for the support. I appreciate it. The original post was the first time I put everything out there and didn't feel dismissed. The situation with my FIL (59M) was extensive and largely unaddressed by my wife (29F). It occurred to me that, not being able to open up to her, I didn't know how to communicate with her anymore.

The feedback I received was a real eye-opener. My issue isn't isolated to my FIL. This isn't solely a spat with in-laws. It's an issue involving my wife. Things with my FIL are what they are. I'm not seeking a deeper connection with him. We're in-laws, nothing more, nothing less, and he made it abundantly clear in his smear campaign that I wasn't family but a "hurdle" the family needed to overcome.

My concern is my wife and our daughter (4F). They're my family and my focus. That said, I realize I can't make my wife do anything. I can't make her communicate with me. I can't make her instill boundaries with her dad. I only have a say for myself and our daughter. I know something needs to change.

Our marriage can't be sustained this way. It's not good for anyone, especially our daughter. After getting my feelings out, I've felt more resolved with what I needed to do. I told my wife about the original post. She's seen it and some comments. She wasn't thrilled, but to her credit, she didn't automatically shut me down like usual. She was open to hearing what I had to say.

Idk if ultimatum is the right term because I wasn't trying to force her to choose anything. I'm just trying to implement boundaries for our daughter and our marriage. I told her that things needed to change because our marriage couldn't survive like this. No one should feel alone or abandoned in their marriage. The options were either couples therapy or separation. She didn't take to separation well.

She seemed repulsed by it. She said she knew we weren't in a good place, but she didn't realize that was where I was at and how we made vows and our bond is supposed to withstand. She feels her dad shouldn't take away from us. I told her I wasn't taking separation lightly. Our vows do mean something, but whether she admits it or not, she checked out on our vows in favor of her dad.

It wasn't keeping the peace. It was me drowning while she was on her dad's boat and never tossed me a line. Our issues are bigger than just her dad. Our current way isn't it. My wife chose therapy. We've found a therapist, and it's officially scheduled. I want to be hopeful, but that's not something I've let myself feel for a bit now.

I don't believe she was only telling me what she thought I wanted to hear. I saw the reality of it hit her when separation was put on the table. I asked her if MC was something she really wanted. I'm not talking about the sometimes it's better to yield thing she said about her dad or for "keeping the peace."

I was asking what she genuinely wanted. She said it was and that she doesn't want to lose our relationship or our family. Some have questioned why I'd want to try working on my marriage. It's not about staying for our daughter. I want to make a real attempt for my family and see if things can be mended.

I know there's more to my wife than just my FIL. I fell in love with her because of who she was as a person. When we met and got to know each other it was away from her dad. I saw how caring she was for others even if she didn't agree with their POV, how decent she was, and how she had a weight off her shoulders with distance from her dad's shadow.

My wife is the youngest of her siblings, and I would say my in-laws hold onto her more tightly. I didn't know how bad things were until I actually dealt with my FIL. It's why she chose a long distance school and didn't go home on breaks often. Her work moved us closer to home, and she was back into the fold fully. My FIL's smear campaign was our first major obstacle following that.

I'm in love with my wife, but I'm not speaking out of blind love. Whether we're together or not, I want the best for her.

Part of my hope for MC is that she regains sight of herself separate from her dad and sees that boundaries for herself aren't crossing a line.

Maybe we can recover together and come out better for it. I know we got married a little young. Trust me, we'd heard our fair share from the skeptics, but I was always sure of my wife. Marriage wasn't something I took lightly. I didn't expect there to be nothing but clear skies.

But we should want more from each other. Being there for each other and emotional intimacy are the bare minimum. We should be a team. Our family is the core before any other relationship. To me, our vows mean consciously choosing each other and committing to each other even when it's hard.

Idk what MC will bring. It'll be my first experience with therapy. All I can do is take everything one step at a time and reaffirm boundaries for myself and my daughter. I'm not withholding my daughter as punishment or holding grudges. I don't even want an apology from my FIL because I know it'll be empty.

I'm just done giving him any more power. I'm protecting my daughter too. To those who haven't experienced something like this, I hope you never will, and for those in a similar struggle, I hope for nothing but the best for you. You're not alone. Thank you for showing me that I'm not either.

TL;DR update: my FIL falsely accused me of stealing from him and went on a smear campaign. I was essentially shunned from the family. He even badmouthed me around my child. I received no support from my wife whatsoever. She wanted me to apologize to "keep the peace." The whole ordeal came between us.

My name was cleared, but my FIL hasn't apologized. I don't want anything to do with him or for my daughter to have unsupervised contact with him. My wife doesn't support me on this. I want to work on our marriage and do right by our daughter. How do I move forward as healthily as possible for my marriage when Idk where to step?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

imnicklehead wrote:

I would adamantly insist that FIL will ONLY see his granddaughter if I am there. There would be an ultimatum with him if he ever says anything negative about me in front of her he will never see her again until she’s 18. I believe if she’s a good, level headed person that therapy should open her eyes to how sh#$ty her dad’s behavior is. Good luck.

OP responded:

Yeah, that's locked down. He isn't allowed any unsupervised visits with my daughter. He lost that privilege when he decided to include her in his vendetta and bad mouth me around her.

SerenityPickles wrote:

Good luck with MC and perhaps a new start with a new city and new jobs with more distance from the in-laws will help both of you to bond as a unit again.

Did FIL correct his social media posts??? No relationship with him is possible without that correction and a face to face apology.

OP responded:

I do think moving away to our own space would be beneficial. It'll offer the balance we had before. My FIL quietly deleted his posts but he never recanted anything. His allegations are probably still a reality for some. He acts like nothing happened. I just want nothing to do with him beyond necessary.

Claire-Belle wrote:

So impressed with the way you've dealt with this. I think it shows real integrity and empathy. I wish you and your wife all the best for marriage counseling.

oldcousingreg wrote:

Honestly, your wife doesn’t sound as sincere as you do. You’re clearly making the effort, but she had the audacity to be upset by the idea of separating. If it was important enough for her to get away from FIL when she went off to college, she needs to prioritize your marriage with the same level of commitment. For your sake and your daughter’s sake, i hope counseling helps.