'AITA for being upset my father-in-law said my wife doesn't have to 'settle' for me?' UPDATED

"AITA for being upset my father-in-law said my wife doesn't have to 'settle' for me?"

For some context, I’ll share a bit about the past. My wife and I met a few years ago. She was a catch because she’d recently come out of a serious, bad relationship and things were “on/off” with us the first few months of dating as she was indecisive about dating again, but I was patient and just told her I’d be happy to be her friend until she was ready to date.

So after those early months, we “officially” date for a year when I ask her parents for their blessing to ask her to marry me. They were overjoyed. Really her whole family was because the previous guy was a self-centered, manipulative person, and they were happy she was with someone who truly loved her and made her happy. So we got married a little over a year later.

I own my own company so I work insane hours, nights, weekends, etc. I’ve poured my heart out for over a decade. She knew this coming in and would often sleep in my office before we were married just to be with me. I’m also quite the introvert. I’m horrible at small talk, have social anxiety, etc. But overall the first 2.5 years were pretty blissful.

About a year into our marriage I was overworked and probably not giving our marriage the attention it deserved. She had a short emotional affair with a coworker and I told her to live with her parents. Her entire family and even best friends were apologetic to me and telling her she was messing up a really good thing. She moves back in a week later, we do counseling, and things get better.

She eventually decides it would be most healthy for her to leave that workplace (as it wasn’t a healthy environment in the first place) and I agree to be the sole income earner while she takes a mental health break and some time to figure out what she’d actually like to do for work.

She eventually starts volunteering at an animal shelter. Then starts watching her nieces twice a week for free. She seemed happy so it was good with me. “I’ll support us with work, she runs the house” was my thinking. I feel good because I'm able to buy her a new car, she gets to do what she loves and help her family, we travel when we can, and we have dogs that are like our kids.

Fast forward a year, I get major depression. I’ve battled with it for about 15 years but this one was different than all the others. I even stopped working in my company for a month it was so bad. This lasts for a little over six months before I was finally able to get the professional help I needed. Things start to get better and it seems like we’re finally getting back to that blissful state.

Fast forward another year, we agree to purchase her dream home and let her sister’s family rent from our home instead of selling it. I’m now about six months into being overworked. She now works a little less than full-time at that shelter, often nights and weekends, so we don’t see each other much.

Both are stressed. I guess lately between stress and being an introvert, I haven’t been the “same person” to her family with being as talkative at gatherings and three of them ask her if I don’t like them within the past month.

Which is absolutely not the case. They always talk to each other about what's going on, so I assume they’ve talked about this together and come to that conclusion, but clearly I need to make sure they don’t feel that way.

So tonight my father-in-law has a call with my wife and out of the blue asks if we’re ok. Asks if she’s happy. And before she can answer says, “you know you don’t have to settle. You can come live with us.” At least this is what she tells me he said.

I’m floored. Not only have I given, given, given to my wife, but I’ve done things or helped them throughout the years. And the first instinct is to offer her an out? Not a, “is there something we can do to be helpful?” or anything else related to thinking she should be married to me.

Just straight to telling her she can get “out.” I guess I've thought with how well I've treated her, they wouldn't want anything but for us to be together.

My wife can tell I’m visibly upset. She assures me he didn’t mean “settle” as in I’m not good enough for her. But meant it more so that she doesn’t have to stay in a situation she’s not happy in. Either way, I tell her, that is incredibly hurtful. I feel betrayed.

I’m not the #1 trophy husband, but I’ve 100% supported my wife. From the beginning to being patient with her, to giving her a second chance when she made a bad decision, to financially, to her dreams, to whenever she wants to help her family. It’s like I’m not enough. So anyways, am I overreacting? I haven’t “done” anything. Her telling me that and me saying I was upset maybe lasted 2 minutes.

Other than that I just went to bed and now I can’t sleep because it’s just really upsetting me. If I mistreated her or went out of my way to keep her from her family or do bad things to them, sure I’d understand. But literally the worst thing I’ve done is not been talkative. And it feels horrible to have your wife’s family what feels like almost encouraging her to leave you. Am I wrong for being upset? Am I overreacting?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Few_Regret9608 said:

I would said it might be your overworked brain doing this to you. Your wife has not initiated anything like "dad help" she told you about what he said herself right ? Maybe she told you more like "huh wonder why" my father said that. You need to focus on her a bit as she will reflect good energy you put her way. I am not sure your trade but consider hiring your own wife.

OP responded:

Thanks for this. We were actually laughing prior to this about her family thinking I don't like them (because I honestly think the world of them, I'm just a quiet person). But when she told me the part about her father I took it personal. As others have shared, I probably need an ego check, of course make sure her family knows I don't dislike them, and as you say to focus good energy her way.

Talk-O-Boy said:

It sounds like you go out of your way to provide for your wife, especially financially. However, between the long hours at work, the depression, and your introverted nature, are you sure she’s emotionally satisfied?? Given the history of an emotional affair, I’m assuming maybe you focus so much on providing her cars and trips and a house (commendable), she may still feel her emotional needs aren’t being met.

Do you guys make sure to have intimate dates still? Conversations that go beyond the usual small talk? It sounds like you’re a great provider, but your wife married a PARTNER.

OP responded:

I sincerely appreciate this message. Because you're right. I focus so much on working hard to provide and be supportive, but by doing that and with my personality, it makes it easy to neglect her emotional satisfaction. Thanks for the reminder that it's more than just supporting/providing, you have to continue to date your spouse. What makes life meaningful is enjoying it together.

[deleted] said:

The context matters here. Your FIL asked if she was happy and immediately followed up with assuring her she doesn’t have to settle. It’s not about settling for you as a husband, it’s about settling for her happiness. Also, I think it’s important to note that perhaps there’s an uneven balance in your relationship.

It seems that she has a lot more to lose if you were to separate or divorce and this is in no way anything negative just an acknowledgment, but someone could very well not want to leave the person that owns the house their family rents and possibly leave their family homeless, I think your FIL was also trying to assure your wife that she doesn’t have to be unhappy for the sake of her family.

And OP responded:

You bring up a good point that I think has added to my mental gymnastics. The way things are now, it's like she would lose out a lot more financially if we separated. And I don't want that or for her to ever feel like she's "trapped" because of that. So it probably hit a nerve. We have an income uneven balance, but that's by her choice, and I actively talk about how that shouldn't be viewed negatively.

What's mine is hers. I don't want anything I do to seem controlling or for power. I just want to love and be loved. As others have commented, I can see how her father could view it and make sure she knows she has a safe space, and really I should be more appreciative of that than taking this personally.

Later OP came back with this update:

I've read every single comment that's been posted here. Thanks for everyone's thoughts. It's been everything on the far end of the spectrum that I'm being completely mistreated and move on to the other end of the spectrum that I'm self-centered preying on a vulnerable girl. So I figured I could fill in gaps and provide some takeaways thanks to your input.

• The first paragraph came off as me being some vulture. I went through the whole "White Knight" role in my teens and learned that is a horrible way to enter a relationship. I didn't prey on her vulnerability. All I meant was she was a catch in the sense that even though she wasn't ready when we first tried, I'm lucky that I did eventually get to call her my wife.

• If it was a physical affair, I would have left. I didn't leave after the emotional affair because it lasted maybe a few weeks where the guy genuinely made her feel desired enough that she wanted the continued validation. She admitted she was wrong to look for that elsewhere, we went to counseling, I forgave her, and we worked on our communication skills.

I understand some people can view that as me not having dignity. But we're all human. I didn't blame myself for this. She married me and should have communicated with me. We learned and it was a growing moment for us both and we are much better at communicating our needs to each other now.

I also didn't force her to quit her job. That was her decision. She worked in the mental health field, the organization was run poorly, and she didn't enjoy it.

• I hope I can spread awareness with this next point. Most were supportive of the fact that I've battled with depression and anxiety. I tried every homeopathic, exercise, meditation, diet recommendations, and 20 medications over 15 years before I found a treatment that actually improved my well-being. Sadly, treatment resistant depression and social anxiety orders can't be just snapped out of.

People can act happy, but it typically leads to lower lows and is a seriously debilitating disease. If you are at a place where you think you have no other options, please call the number 988 which is the Crisis Hotline.

• Comments here have helped me reflect on the fact that I put the value of "providing" as the top priority of our marriage - and being with a partner is so much more than that. I feel blessed that I could start a company that we're in a position where she can volunteer and help her family, and while I absolutely don't do it for control, I realize I've wrapped a lot of my self-worth into it and do desire some gratitude.

I'm not looking for IOU's, paybacks, or to be praised by any means. I just desire a, "hey I see how hard of effort you're putting to help our family." I don't think that's unhealthy to want. What's unhealthy is if I put all of my eggs into that basket of what I bring to our marriage. And the best way I could get my "desires" is communication...

• ...which leads to communication with her. As a couple we need to do better at communicating our needs. She may very well feel emotionally disconnected. I think this is a good example that marriage and love aren't a one and done thing, but that you have to continue working on it.

• Thanks to the comments (I'm assuming from a lot of fathers), I better understand that the comment wasn't necessarily an attack on me, but an offer of support to his daughter's happiness. I messaged him this morning and thanked him for his concern and being there for her, reassuring that we are ok in our relationship and also that I love them to clear up any misconceptions that I don't like them.

There have been a ton of comments about me slowing down and having a more balanced life. You all are probably right. I'm in a situation where I love what I do so much that I can literally work 100 hours a week and wish I had more time because there's more to do and I just want to do more of it. That is obviously a much better problem to have than the opposite.

But I realize that is not sustainable. At least if I want to have a great marriage with my wife. And some comments sparked some interesting questions. What if I spent the same effort I do on business on our relationship? What if she gave the same love and care for animals as the ones she rescues?

Maybe that's a bit over-the-top, but the general idea of we could probably both do better at learning/communicating our needs and trying what ever we can to meet them for each other.

• Out of the 250 comments, I only recall one specifically asking what her response was to her father, which was probably important info to share. She told me that she told him we are perfectly happy in our marriage, we're both just working a lot right now and that comes with stress, but it's not anything to be concerned about.

Maybe sad that it took me nearly 24 hours, this post, and reading through your comments to realize that is the main thing I should have even cared about. So anyways, thanks for allowing me to be vulnerable here. I appreciate the constructive criticism and comments from both ends of the spectrum. It definitely helped process this, learn, and receive some much needed reminders.