'My flatmate slapped me for talking loudly at night while his GF was over. Should I let it slide?'

"My (22M) flatmate (21M) slapped me across the face for talking loudly late at night while his girlfriend (20F) was over, and he does not intend to apologise. He believes I got slapped for my selfishness and inconsideration, and I don't know if I should accept it or let it slide?"

We've been friends for a couple of years and we're both international students in a third country. I'm from Brazil while he's from Argentina. We've been sharing a flat/apartment for about a year now and just signed a lease for another year at the start of this year.

We have somewhat different lifestyles but we get along fine. He sleeps early and I sleep late, and my classes are often later so it works. We watch similar sports and have a similar group of friends. He has a girlfriend among that group who I'm also friends with, while I'm single.

One issue he has with me is he thinks I talk on the phone or video call too loudly late at night. It is something he has honestly told me about a few times, especially when his girlfriend is over and they obviously don't want to hear me too loud lol. I have been told even back home that I struggle to control the pitch of my voice and I can forget about it.

This Saturday she was staying at our place and he'd reminded me to keep my volume low if I was to talk late at night, which I do because of the time difference back home. I was calling a group of school friends at around 1am and I didn't notice that I was talking and laughing loudly or I completely forgot.

He once called out from across the apartment saying "Shut up Danny" but soon I was back to the same pitch. At about 2AM he walked into my room while I was mid-laughter. He came over and slapped me across the face so hard my earbud flew out of my left ear and said "are you allergic to being asked politely', and picked my laptop up and walked off with it to his room.

My school friends had seen me get slapped across the face and his girlfriend knew about it too and I feel extremely embarrassed and humiliated. Next morning was Sunday and when he woke my made breakfast for me. With his girlfriend sitting there we were all awkward and uncomfortable until I said, "you didn't have to slap me so hard you know". I could still see a red patch on my left cheek.

And he said "I thought so too but literally nothing else ever works for you. You're too selfish to think other people may be sleeping or need their privacy and next time you raise your voice in the middle of the night you'll hopefully remember my slap."

I can see his point but I was also hoping he'd apologise to me, which he made clear he would not, and also that he expected an apology from me. We're really close friends so I'm unsure what to do here. I find myself hoping that the awkwardness will pass, but what is the best course of action here?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Captain_Kimmy wrote:

I mean, as someone who experienced a person who is so loud i can't sleep and I've WANTED to slap them at 2 and 3 am...I get it. But it's not OK to use violence. You're both assholes for different reasons. Your absolute lack of self awareness and his absolute lack of self control. He should have just moved. He still should. You won't change. He needs to find a new roommate that isn't loud.

Desperatetodream wrote:

Ahhhh ok I might be TA here. He shouldn’t have slapped you, he really shouldn’t have. But you ARE being selfish and inconsiderate to be shrieking loudly in laughter at 1AM on the phone when others are sleeping. If he’s asked you nicely, repeatedly, to stop and you just won’t…I’m not saying he was right, but I’m saying I understand why he did it.

Maleficent_Web_6034 wrote:

Physical violence was absolutely wrong and generally someone who resorts to this isn't a good person and will do it again, especially if they believe it worked. I'm sorry you were hit, that was not okay and you should make that very clear to him or you should move.

That being said, there are a few bad flatmates I would have loved to smack. This issue has been brought up OVER AND OVER AND OVER not just as this house but by others who have lived with you as well. You are selfish. So, new rule: Talking on the phone after 11PM happens OUTSIDE or IN YOUR CAR.

darklingdawns wrote:

It is never acceptable for someone to lay hands on you in a violent manner. While you seem to have a pattern of being inconsiderate and your volume is quite likely annoying, that is no excuse for his assaulting you. Let him know that you will be looking for a new place to live and find a place on your own if you're able to afford it.

If not, then come up with some strategies to avoid future problems with roommates over your volume, whether that means practicing modulating it while you're looking for a place or setting time limits for yourself that you're not on calls after a certain hour.

daviss2 wrote:

I am gonna get downvoted for being in the minority but honestly if he's told you that your noise at midnight is disturbing him and you repeatedly do it then I can easily see him getting to the point he slapped you. I am not condoning his action and it is really bad. But you haven't exactly helped the situation at all.

I would apologise for the noise and demand an apology for the slap before things can go back to normal. I lived with four other adult males in shared accommodation and it was horrible, the fact people don't have the general common decency to be cautious of their noise past 10pm drives me to the point of wanting to slap people.

zbornakingthestone wrote:

Normally I don't think violence is the answer but if you were keeping me up night after night with your selfish and ridiculous actions - I can't be sure I wouldn't do the same thing. What makes you think it's acceptable to keep someone from sleeping night after night?

You strike me as someone who's never faced the consequences of their actions before now and you're struggling to cope with the realisation that you're not a special snowflake who everyone will tolerate doing whatever shit you want. I'd suggest you move out and live alone until you can function like an adult because I'm guessing you'd push anyone to violence with your behaviour.