'My friend called me pick-me because her boyfriend was into me. AITA for how I reacted?' UPDATED
"My friend called me pick-me because her boyfriend was into me."
I (21F) have a close friend, let’s call her Jess. we’ve been friends for a couple years, never had any issues, and I’ve always supported her through everything. She started dating this guy, and at first, everything was fine. I was happy for her, and we all hung out a few times in group settings. Then I started noticing little things.
Her boyfriend would always sit next to me, ask me random questions, laugh way too hard at things I said. I got a weird vibe but ignored it. I wasn’t interested, and I tried not to be rude. but then Jess started acting weird too. She’d make little passive-aggressive jokes about how guys "always love me" or how I "must love the attention."
The final straw was last weekend. We were at a party, and I guess her boyfriend got drunk and told someone that he thought I was hot. I didn’t even hear it firsthand, but Jess did. she pulled me aside and basically accused me of leading him on. I was completely caught off guard, like what?? I've barely spoken to him outside of when we were all together.
But she kept going, saying I was always being too friendly, that I was acting like a "pick-me" around him. I didn’t even know what to say. I wasn’t flirting, I wasn’t doing anything. I literally went out of my way to avoid being weird around them. Now she’s barely talking to me, and I don’t even know if we’re still friends. AITA for this?
The internet had a lot of thoughts to share.
Vinagre-7-0-4-0-3-6 wrote:
By what you did said, you don't are wrong. Your friend probably is having problems with her relationship. Her boyfriend saying that you're hot or every time trying to get close to you isn't normal, either appropriate. I wouldn't be surprised if he is not only doing it to you.
If I was in your situation, I would try to know if anything is alright with her and tell that she offended you: "Is everything okay with you these days?" "Why did you called me a pick me? We already know each other for some time you know how i am. I got sad when you said it." Be very passive about it, from what im feeling, if you try to accuse her, she will get defensive and rude.
And definitely keep distance from them from now on, the boyfriend and her, don't get tangled on others people drama they will somehow find a way to blame you, you don't need to be polite about it either, just don't be directly rude.
If they try to call you out just act like you don't did consciously, give a small shy uncomfortable sorry and keep doing it. Don't let her pull you to her mess, and either blame you for the failure of her relationship.
OP responded:
Yeah, that's kinda what I'm thinking too. It's not my fault if he acts weird, but somehow I'm the one getting blamed. I don't want drama, just feels unfair
[deleted] wrote:
You sound super mature and reasonable, and I think you have the right idea. It's this toxic trait that developed in women due to the patriarchy always pitting us against each other - we go after the woman who is just existing and being hot instead of the bf for being a creep. I'm not sure she's your friend, and she's way too insecure. It's not on you to solve that.
OP responded:
Appreciate that, and yeah, it's not my job to fix her insecurities.
Rainbow-Smite wrote:
Your friend sounds insecure and her problem is with her boyfriend but she would rather attack you than hold him accountable. You don't deserve this. If you want to stay friends give her space till they inevitably break up and she'll seek you out, hopefully to apologize.
OP responded:
Yeah, that's what it feels like. It sucks because I never did anything, but I guess it's easier for her to blame me than deal with him. I might just back off for now and see what happens
Spartaman64 wrote:
If she's the one that decided to bring her boyfriend then im not sure what she is angry about.
OP responded:
Right?? Like I didn't invite him, he's literally HER boyfriend lol
The next day, OP shared an update.
So, I ended up talking to my friend about what happened, and honestly… I don’t know how to feel. I asked her if everything was okay and why she called me a pick-me when she knows that’s not the type of person I am. At first, she kinda brushed it off like it was nothing, but when I told her it actually hurt my feelings, she just sighed and said, “I don’t know…it just felt like you were eating up the attention.”
I told her straight up that I never encouraged her boyfriend, and I even tried to distance myself when I noticed how he was acting. She got quiet for a second and then said, “Yeah, I guess I shouldn’t have said that.” But instead of apologizing, she just shifted the conversation to how their relationship has been rocky lately and how she’s been feeling insecure.
I get that, I really do. But I still don’t think it was fair for her to take it out on me. I told her that, and she kinda just nodded and changed the subject. No real apology, no accountability, just…moving on like it didn’t happen.
I don’t know if I should keep this friendship the same after this. It just doesn’t sit right with me that she’d rather turn on me than deal with the real issue - her boyfriend. I think I’m gonna take some space and see if she reaches out again, but right now, I don’t feel like putting more effort into something that doesn’t feel mutual.
The internet continued to share their thoughts.
Diggitydoo wrote:
Honestly? It’s probably for the best that you follow your plan.
OP responded:
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking too.
gagagirlie wrote:
I don't know how old are you but you'll meet a LOT of women that will go to the MAT with other women, to protect men. A lot of family dynamics are just women hurting women so men can keep being lazy, ab#$ive, neglectful or incompetent. Women enable men all the time. You don't want to be around those.
OP responded:
It's so frustrating how common this is.
damdaniel wrote:
I think you need to redefine your relationship with her. Maybe move it to a casual --if you see each other in public kinda friendship.
She is not a very good friend anyways if 1) she can just call you names and treat you as if you are after her man 2) she did not really apologize or take accountability for her actions 3) a true friend would never believe that about someone who is supposed to be close to her regardless of her problems with her BF-4) she jumped to attacking you instead of the true problem the BF.
OP responded:
I think that's where I'm at with it. just taking a step back for now.