'My friend cheated at her bachelorette party. AITA for how I reacted?' UPDATED 2X

"My friend cheated at her bachelorette party. AITA for how I reacted?"

My (21F) friend (20F) is acting very odd. We went out for her Bachelorette party on Thursday for a long weekend. Yesterday night was the "main" party, where we all went out with her in her little bride-to-be veil and sash, it was all going great, she was having a good time.

The point was for all of us to have a good time together but after a while, she disappeared for a good hour and I, along with another friend in the bridal party, went out looking for her.

We couldn't find her but she texted us back that she'd see us in the airbnb we were staying at, and that she just wanted some time to herself so we didn't push her. When she came back later, it was 3 am and she was out of it. A little disheveled which she could pass off as partying too hard but I had a bad gut feeling.

My first thought was, because she seemed closed-off, that someone had done something bad to her and I thought I should give her space but if something bad had happened, I wanted to help so I spoke to her in private, asked about it and she said someone had hurt her. I immediately said we should go to the authorities, report it and all that but she very vehemently denied it.

I figured this was normal, I've heard of survivors not wanting to have reported it and I didn't want to be too pushy since it had only been a couple of hours so I let it be. She said she just wanted to sleep so I left her to it and checked up on her every hour or so because I felt guilty. We had planned this trip for her but something so terrible happened.

Is what what I thought because now it's Sunday evening and at noon, she pulled me aside to talk again, I thought she changed her mind about reporting it and I was fully ready to help her but then she told me it was consensual, that she just wanted to experience something different before being tied down.

And that she lied because she panicked and didn't have the "energy to explain" when she came back. This was of course shocking and incredibly icky because this girl 1) lied about being harmed and 2) cheated on her fiancé.

She's been problematic since her wedding planning began, making unreasonable demands for bridesmaids dresses and acting like a bridezilla but this was a whole new low. I freaked out on her, told the other girls that while we were looking for her thinking something happened to her, she was out cheating on her gem of a fiancé.

This was perhaps not my place to make a scene but I was just so done with her. I then told her she had to tell her fiancé what happened by the end of the week or we would because his family is paying for the entire wedding that's in June so I figure if they need to cancel and get what they can back, it needs to happen asap.

She just said I was overreacting "like a psycho" and I'm just jealous of her getting married and want to ruin it for her. But I'm usually a zero tolerance for cheating person. AITA?

TL;DR friend lied about being SA'd when she was cheating on her man during her bachelorette trip and called me an overreacting psycho when I pushed her to tell him.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

anonomoomoo wrote:

Well what did everyone else say once you told them she was cheating on her fiance? Just curious if they think you are or not.

OP responded:

Everyone kind of believed it immediately. She's been less than ideal to deal with since she got engaged, it's like a new side to her as a bridezilla and she started crying and saying it was a mistake so she essentially confirmed it to everyone.

[deleted] wrote:

How did she get into a bar at 20?

OP responded:

We're in the UK, the age limit is 18. But we were at a pub where there is no age limit on entry, only on serving alcohol.

deloola wrote:

Is it possible that the friend is lying?

OP responded:

I made sure to do my due diligence, I told her I would drop it and never bring it up again if that’s what she wanted if it were SA. She said no, that it was some guy from high school she ran into. That could have also been a lie and if it is the case, I will have a lot to atone for but from her behavior and language, I think she meant it when she said it was consensual.

A few hours later, OP shared an update.

So guys, I had such an overwhelming response, but a lot of people thought I was oh so bad for being mad over my friend LYING ABOUT SA and for being against infidelity.

So I decided to expedite telling her fiancé!! After reading the influx of comments justifying me telling him, I decided to e-mail him with a draft I'd typed earlier when she told me about this but didn't know if I should have sent, with everything I knew of what happened and was told and asked him to check with the girls as well if he had doubts with a link to this post.

He hasn't responded yet, and I don't know what I'd say if he did because I'm not very close to him. I don't want to over-interfere and inject myself into his grieving process since my job is done. I've told him and I've cut her off.

If they go on with the wedding, I've made it clear I'm no longer in the wedding party and so have the three other bridesmaids so she wouldn't have a wedding party if she moves forward. Appreciate the people who gave me genuine feedback and advice instead of outing themselves as terrible characters!

EDITING to add this gem of a comment I got. I'm willing to give anyone the attention and platform they want to have bad opinions! Make sure people don't have to scroll for it. I have so many speculations of back stories for this commentor. Old, bitter and unmarried because...? Or just against weddings. Weird either way.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Away-Understanding34 wrote:

The people criticizing you for calling her out and telling the fiance are probably okay with cheating. Good on you for having morals and values. He deserved to know so he can make an informed decision about his future.

OP responded:

Going into this, I was worried I was overstepping but then it hit me that if anyone disagrees with me for telling on a cheater who lied about being SA'd, they're not the kind of person you should be taking advice from lmao.

Baizhusimp wrote:

Seeing someone being cheated on and not telling them is awful. Imagine seeing somebody being fooled and not doing sh#$t about it, in my opinion that's being an accomplice of the wrongdoing. You were right for telling him, she's a sh#$ty person

OP responded:

Yeah, from my previous post, reading people saying I'd be an accomplice was scary lol and I know I'd want to know if I were in that situation.

[deleted] wrote:

Thank you for telling him!! I’m relieved that at heart he had the information and can make his own decisions. Hopefully you hear back to know he got the message. I’d hate to think she could log in and delete it.

OP responded:

Wow, I really didn't think that far lmao but also she doesn't know that I've told him, I really don't want to interact with her anymore lol

adoodoohead wrote:

I mean instead of an email I would’ve gotten his number if you didn’t have it and shot him a text as that’s quicker and some people don’t check their emails but good for you, you made the right decision to tell.

OP responded:

I don't have his number sadly, we're not close at all. If he doesn't respond, I'll probably contact him over instagram or something

bingumsbongums wrote:

B#$ch if he doesn't care he doesn't care. But if he does care, doesn't know, and marries her??? You absolutely did the right thing. The people writing such nasty responses are probably serial cheaters, or cheater apologists and that's so sh#$ty.

SuperNobbs wrote:

The only people deciding you're the bad person are people who have probably cheated before and been caught out. Or just pieces of garbage. Either way. You did the right thing. A thousand percent.

The next day, OP shared another update.

So some people brought up a very valid point yesterday that my friend could have 1) been scared to have said she was harmed and chose the cheating route and 2) If she was drunk, she couldn't have consented anyway. I took this, felt bad and contacted her. I think her fiancé left her or something to that effect, I haven't asked but she, understandably, didn't want to talk to me.

But her mother did call me, she was appalled that my friend cheated and she said my friend spoke to both her mum and dad. Apparently, she chose her bachelorette spot because an "old flame" lives there and she planned on meeting him for a last time "for closure" or something.

I only know this guy as her casual ex from high school and I didn't know her then so I didn't connect the two dots. But long story short, she planned on spending the night with him before she had to "tie herself down" and left the pub only 30mins into us being there and I didn't see her drink more than a shot.

It's definitely possible she drank more after she eft when she was with him but I do feel like she was responsible for herself after leaving without telling people and switching off her phone while everyone was looking for her.

What you do while drunk may not be your choice but how drunk you get absolutely is your choice. But what I got was that this was planned days in advance and her bachelorette weekend location was planned according to where this guy lives so yeah. I'm mostly certain that no SA took place.

Another thing people brought up was 1) How did I have the groom's email id but not number and 2) that I wanted him for myself. All wedding correspondence with vendors took place over email. I, as a bridesmaid who was helping coordinate and the groom as the one literally getting married, were CC'd. I took his email from there.

People also asked why I didn't CC everyone and put my friend on blast. As satisfying as that would have been, if I were in the groom's position, I wouldn't want myself finding out at the same as everyone else as part of an exposé, I felt that would be somewhat humiliating so the goal was to let him know as the affected party and then let him decide how he wants to go about it.

Because me and the other bridesmaids already know and have dropped out from the wedding (which I don't think is happening anymore from my friend's mum's words). And for me wanting the groom for myself, be so for real!

You can do good things without wanting to jump someone's bones, it's called being a decent human being. I called him a "gem of a fiancé" because he insisted his family cover all costs of the wedding because my friend's father is experiencing some hardship. You don't see that these days, I simply meant that he was doing an excellent thing out of love and want for my friend.

Which is why I wanted to tell him even more so about this because the wedding so far is in the 50K pound ballpark. For reference, the average wedding in the UK costs around 23K. This is over double. So yeah, that's it, I'm out of her life so now I really don't have any reason to keep up with what's happening, so this is about the end of it.

The commenters continued to share their thoughts.

red_fiiire wrote:

So glad you spoke up! I’m sure the groom is struggling right now but in the end I know he’s very thankful for your honesty :) Thanks OP for being a good person.

jamminout wrote:

I thought the bride reappeared in a very drunken and disheveled state. Is it possible she drank with the other guy to excess? Was the party in a fun destination or just chosen for the guy?

OP responded:

When I said disheveled, I meant more like her clothes were messed up? That's why I assumed the worst because to me, I thought cheating wasn't an option lol maybe I was naive because I was thinking "who cheats before getting married?"

And when I said out of it, I mean she just wasn't talking and was avoidant when we were asking her where she was and telling her we were looking for her. Which she talks a lot so again, I assumed the worst and the switched off phone, it was all sketchy to me. I think she may have drank more with the guy but she planned days in advance to see him.

The location was about as fun as you can get in the UK lol, the pub was great, the Airbnb was nice, and we're all only 20-23 so a more lavish getaway wasn't really in the cards. But from her mother's wording, I think she picked the place because the guy goes to uni there.

[deleted] wrote:

So I’ll look at this from another point of view. We’ve all messed up at one time or another and what we needed was a friend to lean on during the aftermath. Nobody in the bridal party seems to be a friend of the bride. A conditional friend is not a friend. A particular group friends I’m associated with have seen each other through quite a few situations.

Yes, there were admonishments for the indiscretions, mistakes, and outright stupidity but nobody was left alone to walk through the recovery. You will make mistakes in the future and you will be judged. Each of you need new friends who won’t turn their backs on each other.

OP responded:

We do all mess up and that's okay, but it doesn't absolve you from the consequences of your actions. She can "learn and move on" from this but her actions had consequences and she found out. Imagine telling someone it's okay to be cheated on when you're committing your life to them and spending so much money to make them happy, because they made a "mistake."

Her mistake is not his to bear, it's only hers. I do hope she learns from this and never hurts anyone again but to dismiss everything as a simple mistake seems off-putting. Cheating and lying about being raped is not a simple mistake with a lesson to be learned, it's just a sign of a crappy character. And supporting that speaks to your own character.