'My friend didn't reply until day before brunch plans. AITA for canceling?'
"My friend didn't reply until day before brunch plans. AITA for canceling?"
AITA for calling off brunch plans with my friend? I texted her on Thursday because I'm coming home from across the country. I have a ton of people I wanted to see because I have been gone for so long and I made time for her.
We agreed on a day for Sunday, but she went radio silent after suggesting brunch and didn't contribute to planning it at all. She also mentioned she had something at 4pm on Sunday. It is now Saturday night and she never responded or contributed to making brunch plans. It was me basically putting options in the chat and not getting a response.
The time for Sunday for when we were meeting up was not confirmed either. It's 8pm at night now, and I text her to ask her if it is still on. She then said yes but was still not agreeing to a place and it felt like it was just me trying to make the plans.
When I said I didn't want to go anymore because I don't like last minute planning she said, she made time for me and that she usually makes plans in advance but that she was just really busy today. She said she didn't care where we ate, but she did not communicate that to me at all. And it's annoying. We are all busy. Am I being unreasonable for being annoyed?
For one of the options I put in the chat she said the “wait was too long”, but didn’t suggest elsewhere, so she clearly didn’t want to go here. Just felt like my time was being disrespected and the piss poor communication was a mood killer pre-brunch and i just wasn't feeling it anymore.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Serious_Salamander63 wrote:
Your friend should’ve been more responsive and contributed to making plans, but I also think it’s a little icky to text to confirm it’s still on, and then cancel right after confirming. Though I do definitely understand your frustration and how hectic it can be just coming back from abroad.
I have a couple friends who are notoriously bad texters and suck at making plans, but are still great pals. Is this usual for your friend? If so it’s just kinda a hazard of the field when you choose to have a relationship with people. Similar to how some people are always late or can be a little blunt/rude. I guess a little more context on your friendship with this person is needed.
OP responded:
I gave her options then she said the wait was too long at the one I suggested. Then said she didn’t care where we ate…after I called her out on it. She clearly cares about the long wait bc she didn’t agree to that option.
mwmandoria wrote:
I agree your friend's behavior was crappy. She is the primary AH here for sure. It would have pissed me off too. I also think you could have saved yourself some bullshit by being more direct sooner.
After getting no response a couple of times, just say "hey I need us to confirm these plans by tomorrow [or whatever time is reasonable] or else let's reschedule for another time as I'm juggling a lot" and then it's up to her to get it together or not."
"If not, then you can move on instead of continuing to put in more effort and get more annoyed. If you don't want to be making plans at the last minute, then decline to do so. I think it's a bit passive aggressive to say "are we still on? Yes? No we're not."
I think you wanted to punish her a bit for stressing you out - which is often what we do when we want to let someone know that they've wronged us but for whatever reason can't bring ourselves to just say so. Again, I fully understand the impulse, but there are ways to avoid things getting this far. NTA as she's the main problem, but just for your own sake I think you could have handled this better.
OP responded:
I didn’t realize I was doing this consciously but I can see that. I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. I texted her at noon today, then again at 8pm she didn’t reply until I called her out. I def could have handled this better. But her excuses of being busy was crappy because we are all busy.
Accomplished-Set5297 wrote:
YTA because I think you're leaving something out. You said you gave options and for one of those options she said it was too long of a wait, and you say she didn't suggest anything else. If you gave options A, B and C and she said she didn't like B, then why not say "okay let's do C then?" and then the plans are made.
So did you give "options" or just one option that she did not like? Why would she have to give other suggestions if you have given her multiple and she has said that there was only one that she did not like?
Signal_Wall_8445 wrote:
NTA. I can understand your frustration over not having concrete plans well in advance, but look at this from another angle. Some people look at this type of planning as if your initial, non-specific, agreement to meet for brunch is like the “save the date” card sent for a wedding. You don’t know anything specific about the wedding, but you know to not make any conflicting plans for that day.
Your friend could have that mindset, and since meeting for brunch does not require anywhere near the advance preparation time as going to to a wedding, to them the details can be worked out at the very last minute (even to the point of deciding that morning where you are going to meet).
Freddydeus wrote:
In your situation, if I hadn't heard anything by the Saturday night, I would have accepted that there were no arrangements.
Before that though, after not hearing from her the first couple of times I would have sent a message saying that I needed to know what our plans were before xxx day and xxx time as there were other things I needed to organise. At that point if they don't contact you, you have covered your arse.
I have to agree with others on here that you shouldn't have asked if it was 'still on' only to immediately say you no longer wanted to do it. You told her that you didn't like making arrangements at the last minute, but you went out of you way to make arrangements at the last minute.
Makes you look like a sulky brat, and the argument favoured you until that point. You might want to think things through a little more, in the future.