'My friend tried to hook up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago and he didn't tell me about it.' UPDATED
"My (20F) friend (20F) tried to hook up with my boyfriend (22M) a few weeks ago and he didn't tell me about it."
A friend of mine tried to hookup with my boyfriend. He turned her down, but I'm sussed out by the fact that he didn't tell me. I only found out from my boyfriend's friend who was there when it happened. He thought that my boyfriend already told me about it, since it was her who hit on him and he turned her down and there was no reason to hide it.
I confronted my boyfriend about it later and he said he didn't want to ruin our friendship and that he told her if she doesn't stop being weird he'll tell me. He says he wanted to give her a shot at saving the friendship.
I already decided that I'm done being friends with her because I don't want friends that would do something like that. Besides I've always thought she had a thing for him anyway. She thinks that just because they met first that means she's entitled to him or something.
I don't need that kind of BS in my life so if he had told me I would have cut her off immediately which is what I did when I found out. The problem for me right now is that its weird that he didn't tell me about it. I understand that it must have been an awkward spot for him but you'd think he'd want to tell me immediately to avoid a misunderstanding.
Besides its weird that he cares more about potentially saving my friendship with her than he does making sure he doesn't come off as a cheater. My friends think he hid it from me because he was interested but I don't think he's that kind of guy. Granted we've only been dating for 4 months, and I still don't know him that well so anything is possible.
What do you guys think? is it a red flag that he didn't tell me?
TL;DR: My boyfriend didn't tell me about one of my friends hitting on him. He turned her down but i'm still worried about the fact that he didn't tell me.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
pdperson wrote:
Besides its weird that he cares more about potentially saving my friendship with her than he does making sure he doesnt come off as a cheater. It's actually not at all weird that someone who isn't a cheater isn't concerned about coming off as a cheater.
fr0mstatefarm wrote:
If you aren’t at least aware of what others might perceive your actions as, you are going to have a LOT of trouble in life. I love my SO and so I try to be aware of what he will perceive my actions as. i would not want my SO to think I have a thing for his friend bc I never told him about a perceivably “intimate” instance that was shared with said friend.
ehren88 wrote:
Suppose that he comes to you and says what happened, there is a good chance that your friend makes up some story about inappropriate conduct by your boyfriend to save face and get the heat off of her (if she's ok with trying to hook up with her friends bf, is lying a big stretch from there?).
Then you are in a position of choosing who to believe, and for him if you believe the friend then he's in the doghouse or worse. So keeping quiet about it and hoping nothing more comes of it is at least an understandable response from his perspective.
FondantSafe4850 wrote:
I think there are several reasons he didn't tell you and honestly you've hinted at a couple yourself. He might have thought it would get turned on him, your friends are already doing that by saying maybe he was interested, that's incredibly unfair. Leading on from that he might have thought you wouldn't believe him if he did tell you.
Or he might have genuinely thought he was doing the right thing and protecting your friendship. I don't think he did anything wrong in this he didn't reciprocate at any point or cause drama. He said no put a boundary in place and moved on. To him it was dealt with.
Smiley-Canadian wrote:
I wouldn’t jump to thinking he’s interested in her. He openly shut her down and set boundaries with her. Sounds like he cares a lot about you and didn’t want you to lose a friend. He meant well and there should be no trust issues with him.
Going forward, sit down with him and talk. Tell him you appreciate how much he cares about you. However, tell him that in the future, you would rather he told you right away and let you set your own boundaries with this friend too.
Two days later, OP shared an update.
So, I told my boyfriend that I understand why he did it and that I get that he wanted to avoid hurting me but that he doesn't get to make that choice for me. He said he understands that he should have told me, but that he had kind of hoped that she was just having a weird moment and that it wouldn't happen again and we'd avoid the entire thing completely.
I told him that from now on I want him to be upfront with me about this kind of thing. I also told him that if he was worried about if I'm going to believe him over my "friend" or not he shouldn't be.
Because I honestly suspected that she was into him anyway, I would have definitely believed him.
Anyway, I feel like he totally understood where I'm coming from. If anything this whole thing kinda made us be in on the same page about this type of stuff.
I want to thank everyone for the advice because I was honestly getting paranoid because I've been cheated on before and my friends are kinda cynical so they expected the worst which me made me do the same. Ironically because of this whole thing and the talk we had after, I feel like I can trust him more. For now I'm gonna try to stop assuming the worst. Thanks to everyone who chipped in.
TL;DR: My boyfriend and I had a talk about what happened. He explained to me his point of view and I explained to him mine. He understood why I was upset and I feel like we really got on the same page. So, everything worked out for the best.
The comments kept coming.
dandyIons wrote:
It sounds like this might be the first relationship you've been in where you can talk about a problem you're having with your SO and have them actually care about how you're feeling/want to resolve the problem? If so, I totally understand why this was such a novel relationship experience for you! I'm glad you guys were able to resolve this and come out stronger on the other side. :)
OP responded:
It sounds like this might be the first relationship you've been in where you can talk about a problem you're having with your SO and have them actually care about how you're feeling/want to resolve the problem? It's definitely the first time I've had a guy be so understanding and like actually acknowledge how I'm feeling.
dandyIons wrote:
That's one of the essential traits for a partner to have in order to build a great relationship together! Sounds like he also has enough emotional maturity to not get defensive about how you took his actions vs why he did them. Both seem like nice green flags imo!
Thesocialistgoblin wrote:
When I was 23, I might have done the same thing the boyfriend did. I can see the logic in not wanting to get into drama and writing it off as just a weird moment as long as it doesn't happen again. Nowadays though I wouldn't hesitate to bring it up.
cynical-mage wrote:
Tbf, it's not just about keeping quiet about being hit on, y'know? It's about finding out that a friend isn't someone who can be trusted. I trust my husband 💯, but snakes in the grass should be outed imo.