'AITA for not setting my friend up because he's done absolutely zero work on himself?'
"AITA for telling my friend I won’t set him up with anyone?"
TrickyButton8285 writes:
So I (30F) have a friend, “Ryan” (31M), who has been in my social circle for a few years now. We met through work and became friends after bonding over shared interests, and he is generally a good guy: funny, kind, etc.
He has been single for a while and recently started asking me to “hook him up” with one of my single friends. At first, I kind of brushed it off and said they were not really his type or they were not looking right now, but he kept pressing. Eventually, I told him I was not super comfortable playing matchmaker, especially when I have seen how he handles relationships.
For context, Ryan has a bit of a pattern. He jumps into things very quickly, gets clingy really early on (like texting constantly and needing constant reassurance), and then when there is any sort of conflict or miscommunication, he either shuts down or spirals into guilt-tripping behavior.
He has admitted he has some abandonment issues, which he is “working on,” but from what I have seen, he has not really done much besides acknowledge them. I have had female friends tell me his past dates were emotionally exhausting.
So I was honest with him and said, “Look, I care about you, but I do not feel comfortable setting you up with someone I care about when I think you still have some emotional stuff to work through.”
Well, he got really offended. He said I was judging him and basically called me fake for being his “friend” but thinking so little of him. I told him that being honest was me being a friend, and that I would rather be straight with him than set up a situation where someone ends up hurt or awkward.
He has not responded to me since, and now I am wondering if I was too harsh or out of line. I genuinely did not mean it in a mean way, but maybe I should have just lied or kept it vague? AITA?
The internet shared their thoughts with OP.
meekonesfade says:
YTA. Your first strategy was correct. You can give him dating advice separately and if he seems to have changed, then set him up.
LighthouseonSaturn says:
ESH. My go to is; "I don't set friends up." It's easy to have an excuse why. If it ends badly it affects my friendships. I don't believe in meddling with people's lives. I dislike the drama it brings into my life. I just don't do it, stop bothering me. He is a AHole for pushing you. You kind of suck because as you know, he is emotionally immature! Lol, he was never gonna take your critique the right way.
the_scorpion_queen says:
NTA, you were honest and upfront and I would have done the same thing probably. But isn’t this reaction basically what you would expect from someone who is emotionally immature and tends to shut down or spiral into guilt tripping behavior? Unfortunately, it can be just as hard to be a close honest friend to someone like that as in a relationship with them.
CertainLow1554 says:
His reaction to you saying no kind of proves you right don’t you think?