'My friend wants me to remove my piercings for her wedding photos. AITA for my reaction?' MAJOR UPDATE

"My friend wants me to remove my piercings for her engagement party/wedding photos. AITA?"

I’m worried that I may be an AH or overreacting in this situation. I would be okay with removing the piercings if I knew that I would be able to get them back in afterwards, which I’m worried is a selfish mindset to have when my friend is getting married, but honestly how quickly she’s willing to replace me just hurts a lot. AITA?

Text Message transcripts:

Bride: Hi! weird question but are you able to remove your piercings? Or do they kinda have to stay in

OP Like am i able to remove them at all?

Bride: I mean would you be able to take them out for a few hours and then put them back in when you get home.

OP: Well for some of them I can take them out for however long and then just put them back in. TBH, I'm not too sure because I never really take my piercings out anyways but i took my nose ring out once for a few hours and I wasn't able to put it back in myself but the piercings in my lobes i can pretty much leave out for however long

Bride: What about the other piercings in your ears? Sorry I'm not sure what their names are.

OP: Well the industrial piercing (the bar thingy) I can't really take out at all because it's pretty fresh and all the other ones I'm really not sure Ive never had any of them out for an extended period really.

Bride: If you could find out I'd appreciate that. The reason I'm asking is because of the engagement party I'm just not really into the idea of someone being in my pictures if they've got a lot of piercings So I was just curious if you could take them out for the few hours the parties on and then put them back in once your home?

OP: Is it just the ones in my face you want me to take out? The piercings closing really depends on the person I think some peoples close really fast and others don't but i remember my nose piercing closed up pretty fast and I think the lip piercing would close pretty fast too Is it just the ones in my face you want me to take out?

Bride: I'd prefer if you took out all of them because we are planning on doing some pictures to the side as well. So that means your ears would be visible I mean If you want to just leave your lobes in that's okay. But all the other ones you have going up your ear and especially the bar I wouldn't want in the photos.

OP: I'll look online and see if i'd be able to take them out for the pictures how long will taking the pictures take?? Because maybe the piercings coming out would be fine Well it's kind of going to be an all day thing.

Bride: That's why I asked if you can take them out for a few hours.

OP: Ohhhh okay I understand

Bride: It's nothing against you just to clarify, I just don't want someone with a lot of piercings in my pictures because I feel like it might ruin the aesthetic I'm going for

OP: If I'm not able to take them out what will happen then?

Bride: Is getting them pierced again an option? If you're not able to get the piercings back in?

OP: It is an option, It would just cost a lot of money getting my piercings done again lol

Bride: Can you afford it?

OP: I probably can, I would just rather not have to get all of my piercings done again but again they might not even close I might be able to take them out and have no problems but i really think it depends on the person.

Bride: Do you not research these piercings before you get them!! If you could find out I'd appreciate it Because I really don't want to exclude you from the photos.

OP: what do you mean?*

Bride: If you can't/wont take the piercings out then I'm going to have to leave you out of the photos and I'll probably have to replace you as a bridesmaid. Because I was assuming you'd be able to take them out when I made you a bridesmaid. And I really just don't want that stuff in my pictures.

OP: Well I'll definitely find out I don't wanna ruin your pictures or anything

Bride: I know that! I was hoping you would just be willing to remove them I didn't think getting them pierced again or whatever would be something you'd be unwilling to do

OP: That's just a very expensive thing to ask me to do I don't want to make it seem like my piercings are more important than your wedding or anything lol.

Bride: Then I'm not understanding why you can't just take them out Your friend is getting married this is a once in a lifetime thing and now it's being made difficult because your refusing to take out some jewelry

OP: I never said I refused to take them out I just said I'd need to find out like roughly how long i can keep them out for

Bride: Why does it matter, I'm getting married???

OP: I wouldn't have made you a bridesmaid if I thought this was going to be a big deal I'd sincerely appreciate it if you could find a way around this whole piercing thing Once again, nothing to do with you, I just don't want that aesthetic in my photos

Bride: I just feel like it's not a very fair thing to expect of someone these piercings cost money they were very expensive telling me to just them done again isn't very helpful It's your wedding and I want you to be happy but your attitude towards this hasn't felt great.

OP: If you want me to be happy then you'll find a way around it.

Bride: Going to be a big deal I'd sincerely appreciate it if you could find a way around this whole piercing thing Once again, nothing to do with you, I just don't want that aesthetic in my photos

OP: I just feel like it's not a very fair thing to expect of someone If these piercings cost money they were very expensive telling me to just them done again isn't very helpful. It's your wedding and I want you to be happy but your attitude towards this hasn't felt great.

Bride: You want me to be happy then you'll find a way around it Let me know soon incase I need to find a replacement for you.

The internet had OP's back all the way.

Mo-Nighean-Donn wrote:

As someone who has tattoos and piercings, she absolutely has no clue what’s involved with having them. They’re expensive and painful to redo AND you have to go through the entire healing process again. For a few hours so she can get some pics? I had my nose ring in for years and it closed up after an hour.

Same with my septum. I’ve had to have both redone due to jobs making me take them out. I refuse to accept a job that requires that again F#$k her. You’re NTAH here. She is. Threatening to exclude you because you don’t fit her “aesthetic” is just giving Bridezilla/spoiled brat to me. I wouldn’t even attend a wedding where either party had that attitude toward people they consider “friends."

Insatiable_I wrote:

When the friend asked "did you not do ANY research on these before you got them?" I got so irritated LOL. I would have said, "if you knew you were gonna get married and might want an aesthetic, why didn't you choose your friends more carefully?"

Then block. For real, that's bizarro bridezilla territory. Just "re-pierce" them?? My industrial alone was like $300, and I babied it for a year for it to finally heal up properly. It's not just the money, it's the time and effort it takes to avoid infection and keloids-- because that's YOUR aesthetic!

33drea33 wrote:

Hey! Former wedding planner here, giving a +1 the bridezilla assessment. OP, this is a totally unreasonable request, and the fact that she is ALREADY being this unreasonable before the engagement party?!

Just no. It's not even about the piercings, it's about the "my wedding is more important than anything and its your job to meet my every whim" mindset. Big yike. I highly encourage you to use this opportunity to bow out of the bridesmaid position, because an attitude like this does NOT get better as the wedding planning process progresses - it gets SO MUCH WORSE.

Save yourself from the heaping pile of drama this girl is cooking. Girls like this get straight up NASTY as the day approaches, and that entire bridal party will be at each others' throats before long. Run girl.

Tasty-Violinist-1960 wrote:

This is golden advice right here! If she's willing to dump you over piercings, imagine what she'll do when the real wedding stress hits. A good friend would find a way to make it work - not issue ultimatums.

Flon_with-a-boxer wrote:

A good friend wouldn't give a damn about piercings in the first place. And same as above, I lost my nose ring and it closed super fast, then I had to wait about two months for it to completely heal over before I could get it pierced again. And don't even get me started on the industrial, that one's a b.

Had to have it done thrice because I have small ears and there were problem from the start. Now I have a chain instead of a barbell, I wasn't willing to let it go because it looks pretty to me. But yeah, waiting months before you can pierce again plus the money (300$ seriously? I paid around 60€. Still expensive for me tho). Just for some pictures and "aesthetic"? Yeah, no.*

Daisy_Ruby wrote:

Do any of the other bridesmaids have piercings? Has she asked them to remove them? Or tattoos has she asked them to cover up? You need to know if she's just being funny with you. It's not like u can't style your hair to cover ear piercings. The entitlement is wild why ask right before not when she was asking you? Honestly I'd just say you don't wanna be a bridesmaid anymore save yourself the headache.

OP responded:

She was originally going to make her sister a bridesmaid but then decided against it because her sister has a lot of tattoos on her arms. I don’t think it’s anything to do with me personally, she just doesn’t like that type of style.

As for the other bridesmaids, the only piercings they have as far as I know are their ear lobes, one of them also has a nose stud but i’m not sure what shes doing to do about that.

MooseHonest3380 wrote:

So.. imma be real with you as an alt woman with tattoos, piercings, and who goes through periods of coloring my hair vivid colors...I was the MOH for an ex best friend of many MANY years. Like we were friends 19 years...and her wedding is something that should've been a red flag in our friendship BUT HINDSIGHT IS 20/20. She asked me to postpone a tattoo on my arm for her wedding so it wouldn't be in photographs.

Fine. She asked me to dye my TEAL hair blonde for the wedding...she wanted all natural hair colors for wedding so that she would stand out. I had had teal hair for two years. It cost me $400 to get that COLOR CORRECTION for a single day because I didn't want to stay blonde. I was platinum blonde so I could dye my hair back literally the next day.

All this to say....A FRIEND LOVES AND ACCEPTS YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. AN AESTHETIC SHOULD NOT MATTER MORE. Your friend should never have even asked you such a question. And if she cares so much about her wedding aesthetic vs having the people she loves in her wedding, she never should've asked you to be in her party. Do not even research this.

Tell her NO. If she gets upset and removes you, fine! But remember this for how she views you as a friend and her relationships. It's on a weak and shallow foundation. Edit to add: Since this has been asked a number of times. Why I didn't wear a wig. I didn't have a lot of time when she made the request. Like 2 weeks. I lived out of state and my ex best friend was and is a VERY picky person.

Not ANY wig would be satisfactory. I would need to purchase like a handful to try out and hope she likes one and return the rest. Which is a lot of time and money on such a crunch when I also needed to travel 3 days before the wedding. She is a woman who had her entire wedding paid for and always got exactly what she wanted kind of person. It ended up just being easier to find a salon that could get me in for this appt.

Radioactive_Kitten wrote:

Yes! I was a bridesmaid in a wedding earlier this year (also tattooed/pierced/fashion shade hair) and I asked the bride if she wanted me to change my hair BUT only to another fashion shade.

My usual hair appointment timing would coincide with prepping for the wedding anyway, so regardless I was going to be spending money getting my hair done. But only to another fashion shade. I wasn’t going to color correct to a natural color as the process to go back to fashion shades would be a nightmare and expensive (naturally dark brown hair).

My body jewelry is all high end, rose gold with semi precious gemstones and she didn’t care (I offered to swap out jewelry from my own collection, not buy new jewelry) “they look cohesive and neutral anyway” and she also didn’t care about my hair.

I added a bit of pulp riot nightfall to my usual green formula to darken it a bit to go with the theme of the wedding and glam it up a bit, and did very classic hair/makeup.

But she also said that she wanted me there and while she did care a lot about the aesthetic of the wedding, she loved all her bridesmaids which is why she made us bridesmaids - she thought it contradictory to ask them to change who they are just to fit her “aesthetic."

The next day, OP shared an update.

hello everyone, hopefully people can find this update because i’m not really sure how this app works tbh😔 I just wanted to say that the post got a lot more comments then I was expecting and I tried to read through/reply to a lot of them but it was very difficult, I still really appreciate the kind words though💓.

-This entire interaction was a lot more aggressive than I was expecting it to be, on my part and on her part, because I’m usually not a confrontational person so this was just a lot for me😩.

but long story short, I’m not going to the wedding, this is a definite end to our friendship but I ultimately do feel like it was something that needed to happen as I can now acknowledge that she was basically treating me like a doormat lol

the name blurred out in the last screenshot is my boyfriends name as I wanted to keep those details private

due to this new development i’m thinking of going out and getting myself a new piercing 🤠.

once again thank you because theres been an overwhelming amount of support from most people and I was not expecting this to turn into as big a deal as it did :) thank you a lot🤠🤠.

Text Message transcript

OP: Hey just letting you know I won't be going to the engagement party or the wedding you can find a replacement for me

Bride: I really hope you're joking with me because WTF. Are you being serious??

OP: Yeah I am. We aren't going to find an option we're both happy with so I feel like you finding a new bridesmaid is just the easier way to do it

OP: I'm really not willing to take my piercings out, you don't want someone with piercings in your photos, just keep me out of the entire thing

Bride: I'm very sorry that I thought my friend wouldn;t have a problem removing piercings for MY WEDDING. Do you not realise how insane you're acting???? You're going to drop out of my wedding because I asked you to remove some jewellery?? Are you well???

OP: I'm extremely well.

Bride: You're going to drop out of my wedding because I asked you to remove some jewelry?? You're missing my entire point with this

OP: I have 15 piercings, do you have any idea how much money it would cost to get all of them pierced again? Unless you're going to offer to pay me for the damage, they aren't coming out and quite frankly even if you did offer to pay the answer would still be no

OP: I could get scarring, infections and it's just extremely painful getting piercings done again this is just something I'm not willing to do find a replacement

Bride: You clearly aren't because you're acting like a psychotic b#$ch Im extremely well Since when did piercings hold more value over one of your friends?? Are you seriously that materialistic?? I only made you a bridesmaid because I felt bad for you anyway I'm glad you've shown me what a selfish b#$h you are now because I can't even imagine having someone like you at my wedding

OP unless you're going to offer to pay me for the damage, they aren't coming out

Bride: I have a wedding to pay for and you want me to reimburse you for your s#$ty life decisions. You choose to get the piercings, how you afford to get them back in doesn't concern me doll. I only made you a bridesmaid because I felt bad for you anyway

OP: You don't have to start insulting me just because someone has said no to you for once in your life Imao I quite honestly could not give a single f#$k if you feel bad for me tbh don't start calling me s#$t just because you're on an ego trip

OP: Genuinely fix whatever the f#$k's wrong with you because you're going to drive away every single person in your life eventually if you keep acting this way I've explained myself over and over again and if you're choosing to not understand where I'm coming from there's nothing I can do about it. You're too self absorbed to even fathom something that doesn't effect you directly.

Bride: You have the audacity to call me sell absorbed when you aren't showing up to my wedding because I asked you to take out a few piercings??! Your'e a selfish b#$ch and you know you are. You are actually laughable. Don't want or need someone like you at my wedding. And since you're not coming tell d in he's uninvited too ruining the occasion for your boyfriend as well because you're a selfish little girl

OP: I've explained myself over and over again and if you're choosing to not understand where I'm coming from there's nothing I can do about it you're too self absorbed to even fathom something that doesn't effect you directly.

The commenters were glad to see the update.

Elegant-Drummer1038 wrote:

Good for you, OP. Very curious about your boyfriend tho...was he playing some type of role in the wedding? Or was he "just" your guest? Bride uninviting him if he was coming as your plus one is rather bizarre because why else would he go if you weren't?? Sounds like it's not a great loss on your end, OP.

OP responded:

I was bringing him as my plus one, he didn’t have any role in the wedding. He wouldn’t really know anyone there except for maybe 2 or 3 people.

CapOk7564 wrote:

The way iId be posting these on facebook, instagram, tagging her fiancé and her family… like your first post? already baffling on her end. THIS ONE??? Whatever she’s smoking? i think we should all avoid. good riddance. What piercing are you thinking next? That’s exciting!

OP responded:

TBH I just want her away from me and I’ll be happy😩 I was thinking of getting my other tragus done! out of all the piercings I have I had the most pleasant healing experience with the tragus lol. I don’t want anything that’s super demanding since I’m already dealing with the healing process of my industrial

Ok_Illustrator1066 wrote:

What all do you have pierced? (Feel free to leave out intimate ones, I’m just curious.) I have 11 tattoos and 16 piercings. You can come to my wedding...I mean it already happened but I could move on for you so you could go lol.

OP responded:

Here’s all the piercings i have lol, I appreciate the invite to your wedding 😫.

⁠triple lobe piercing on both ears

industrial piercing in one ear

⁠daith in both ears

⁠helix in both ears

tragus in one ear

⁠rook in both ears

anti tragus in one ear

double nose piercing

⁠lip piercing

Lkholla wrote:

Okay but now I want to see how you’ve managed to fit a rook, daith, and industrial on your ear 🤯.

SarcasmExecutive wrote:

MY WEDDING MY WEDDING MY WEDDING, don’t you know the earth revolves around her wedding & you should alter your life around it?

My favorite was: "Since when did piercings hold more value over one of your friends?? Are you seriously that materialistic??" -says the one who was going to exclude you from pictures because of your piercings aesthetic.

I would say sorry you lost a friend but you didn’t.