'My friend says she won’t set me up with her male friend because I cheated on her brother FOUR years ago.' UPDATED

"My 27F says she 27F won’t set me up with her male friend because I cheated on her brother FOUR years ago. Should I still pursue things anyway?"

Background: My friend Amina and I have been friends since kindergarten. There was a point in time where I considered her my best friend. In HS I started dating her younger brother Shaun. We dated for about six years.

We had a great relationship and I messed up I did. Now not to justify what I did but, Shaun did Rotc in college and eventually commissioned into the national guard. During his first year in the guard he was extremely busy. He had is military duties and on top of that his regular 9-5 job.

In a moment of selfishness I met a really attractive guy and the next thing I know I’m cheating on my fiancé at the time. I was a selfish person and I figured he would never find out. Well the guy I was cheating with ended up stalking myself and Shaun so Shaun found out. It was a messy situation and I hate that I put him through that. Shaun broke off the engagement and he still refuses to speak with me.

Amina stopped being my friend but we reconnected a year ago when we bumped into each other at the airport lounge. She got permission from Shaun to rekindle our friendship, but Shaun still refuses to speak with me unfortunately. I can’t say Amina and I are best friends like we used to be but we are friends. Now: recently Amina had a birthday dinner with all her bf plus all of her friends.

Her male friend Ron is extremely attractive, put together, great shape, good job, etc. Today I called her during our lunch break to ask her for Ron’s contact and to put in a good word for me. She said no and asked me not to date him, she said he’s a good friend and after what happened with her brother she doesn’t want to go through that again.

I told her I’m a changed person, and she contradicted herself. Saying she believes me but still doesn’t want me dating her friend? It’s just weird. I’m not sure whether I should get his contact information some other way or just accept it. I just don’t think she has the right to prevent me from dating her friend.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Vidadaleeda wrote:

She's valid. You romantically hurt someone she loves, and if she loves this friend, I think it's fair for her to worry about you having a romance with him as well.

OP responded:

I did that when I was young and dumb. I was in my early 20s at the time, I’ve bettered myself. I already faced the consequences of my poor actions.

username_1379 wrote:

She technically doesn’t have say in who you date, but she can choose to not give you his contact information. If you want to stay friends with her, I would not pursue Ron. But if you truly don’t care about the friendship and you find his contact info another way, that’s your call.

But if Ron would ever say to Amina that he’s talking to you, she’ll likely tell him what happened in the past. So then he would need to decide what he wants to do with that information.

OP responded:

I care about the friendship but it’s hurtful she won’t give me the grace and accept I’ve bettered myself.

Beginning-Stop7646 wrote:

You...can't be serious. You know what, I'll be nice. Look OP, you had a full blown relationship with your ex best friend's brother. You cheated. You hurt him. I'm sure Amina had to help pick up the pieces of her brother you destroyed. Yes, you may have changed.

However, Amina doesn't want to risk the possibility of you hurting someone again who is dear and close to her. Not only that, but she's not your matchmaker. I'm sure she also wants to respect her brother bc who knows if Ron is friend's with him too.

If you say you changed then prove it by your actions by staying away from Ron. Possibly from Amina too. If you chase Ron then it's just going to further prove to them that your selfishness is still there.

OP responded:

I’ll probably stay away from Ron because I didn’t consider she would probably tell him. It’s just hurtful someone I call a friend doesn’t trust that I’ve grown as a person.

AdOne8433 wrote:

You don't care about Shaun, and you haven't changed. You lament that Shaun still refuses to speak to you. You can't leave him alone because the only thing that matters is what you want. Of course Shaun doesn't want to talk to you. Do you understand what you did to him? Do you understand emotional pain?

Your former friend has asked you to leave her friend alone. What she wants or needs doesn't matter to you. You invalidate her feelings as being unreasonable, yet you've proved that you can'tbe trusted.

You didn't cheat once, and now you're all better. You've proved that because you are still behaving selfishly. That's who you are. Everyone knows this. Ron knows it. All her other friends know it. Shaun knows it. All Shaun's friends know it.

And you're still harassing him. How do you think it feels for him to be moving on and trying to live his life and have you popping up from time to time with your "Hey, remember me, and how I betrayed you and broke your heart?" Jesus, that's so clueless!

You don't believe that your former friend has the right to prevent you from dating her friend. She doesn't have the right to tell the truth to her friend. She doesn't have the right to care about her friend.

Actually, she has a responsibility to warn him about you. If you were self-aware, you'd understand that. You need a therapist who can help you understand yourself.

OP responded to this:

You’re partially right. I need to let Shaun go. You’re wrong to say I don’t care about him. I care about him and I always will

AdOne8433 responded:

No, you don't. You never did. You cared for him like I care for a massage therapist. I love what they do for me and miss them when we part, but it's a one-way relationship. Letting him go implies that you somehow have him. That you are important to him. You're no more than an STD he caught years ago. He's cured now. You're just a stain on his memory.

OP responded:

I’m tired of people telling me how I feel about Shaun. I love Shaun, there’s a reason I get legitimately happy when I hear the great things he is doing. I love him.

Four months later, OP shared another post about the same topic.

Years ago when I was younger I made the worst decision of my life and cheated on the love of my life/fiancé. I messed up and I love him so much. I lost so much because of that stupid a$$ f#$king mistake.

That man that I love is my friend’s brother. Throughout that time her and I stopped being friends after my f#$k up but we rekindled.

She’s getting married in June…it will be the first time I’ve seen Shaun since we split. I’m ready to win him back but I don’t know how.

The internet did not hold back.

AguyonaHill wrote:

You don't. There are millions of good matches out there. You take what you learned and you find somebody new. You deserve happiness and he deserves to have the painful past in the past. If you can't control yourself, don't go to the wedding.

If you remain convinced and intend to still go and try you really need to ask yourself why you are obsessed with this idea. You are allowed to move on from your mistakes and find love. There is no single person that is "the one" for us.... So why the obsession?

OP responded:

No one can ever replace the history we had. His sister was my best friend growing up. Him and I were childhood friends. HS sweethearts , I just want one more chance.

[deleted] wrote:

What happened with Ron?

OP responded:

I respected my friends boundaries like you all told me to

anoncommener789 responded:

What makes you think she would want you to try for a second chance with her brother THAT YOU CHEATED ON.

[deleted] responded:

And we're saying the same thing now about Shaun so...are you going to listen to us and then blame us for your issues again? Or are you going to take responsibility and accountability for once in your life?

Edit: also a little gross you're blaming us for you "having to" respect your friend's boundaries...do you not already know to do that? Strange. That you'd need advice to do that. But you're back here about Shaun and you straight cheated on him so I guess I can't expect any amount of common sense from someone like you.

OP responded:

My first post I asked whether I should talk to Ron or not. This post I’m not asking whether I should talk to him or not because I will. I’m asking how… Even Shaun’s sister said he still has lingering feelings for me, which is why she felt it would be disrespectful to set me up with Ron . But keep thinking you know it all 😘

[deleted] responded:

Baby girl, let me tell you: I've read your first post, you sound weird as hell. This post you sound EVEN weirder. Wanna know how to approach Shaun? Easy: don't. Leave the man alone, or suffer the wrath of a scorned man AND your best friend for choosing to prioritise your selfishness over her wedding.

Never mind that she herself chose to ask permission from Shaun to talk to you at all, while he has remained steadfast in his resolve to not talk to you for MONTHS. Btw, I know a lot more than you, clearly. Never cheated, even when I was young. Funny how that works, isn't it?

I spend my time online reposting stories like yours to forums for people to mock, you spend your time writing the stories people mock. I have my soulmate next to me. What do you have again? Besides your delusions and your selfishness?

OP responded:

That was cruel.

damalooloo wrote:

Why should you get another chance?

OP responded:

Because I’m going to spend the rest of my life being the best partner he can ever ask for.

damalooloo responded:

Why don’t you become the best partner you can be for someone you didn’t betray

OP responded:

Because I know who my soulmate is

damalooloo responded:

People don’t cheat on their soulmates.

OP responded:

People do a lot of dumb s#$t when they are young. I was young at the time

damalooloo responded:

How does that excuse it? Everyone is young at some point, most of them don’t cheat on their soulmates. You don’t get a special pass.

OP responded:

I’m not excusing it. Just pointing out people do change and it was a long time ago

damalooloo responded:

No it wasn't.

ActiveEfficiency wrote:

From your previous post your ex won’t even talk to you. It’ll never work because he’ll never trust you again. Heck your friend won’t even help you date one of her friends . She doesn’t even trust you. (For good reasons !) This are major signs you need to move on because there’s no getting back together.