'My friend's hosting a banquet for veterans. They don't want to be posted online. She wants to cancel.' UPDATED 3X

Not all good deeds are done with good intention.

In a popular post on the Two Hot Takes subreddit, a woman shared the saga of her friend's "benefit" banquet for veterans. She wrote:

"My( (F22) friend's (F22) hosting a banquet to honor veterans with free meals, but now wants to cancel after some attendees asked to not be posted on her social media. She also told our friend group to no longer volunteer."

Ellen and I have been friends for a few years, and we're both in the same friend group too. Ellen will be graduating with her bachelor's this December, and she's an assistant manager in a fast food joint. She also has a side gig that she's talked about growing post-college, and that is her Instagram/TikTok where she discusses many events with her opinions.

However, she told me (and a few of our friends) that she didn't want a graduation party because she didn't like to celebrate herself (and chose not to have a high school graduation), but that she wanted to do something else with the money her parents wanted to throw a party with (her parents originally wanted to rent a restaurant room for her party).

Instead of doing something for herself, she said she felt "led" to do something for others with the space her parents wanted to rent, and that was a gathering to honor veteran families from her church with a free dinner banquet. She also hoped to invite everyone that her parents wanted to invite to her graduation party.

Her parents (both are leaders) liked the idea and brought it to their church, and someone there offered to host the gathering in one of the church's conference rooms to save money (along with offering to pay for some of the food catering too).

Ellen said the theme of the party was to honor veterans outside of Veterans Day, and the church announced it during a recent Sunday service along with signups following the service. The church also sent a video she made explaining her motivation for the event in an email newsletter.

The video explained that she had veteran relatives that she wanted to honor for some time, and she also posted it to her socials. The video also stated that clips from the event would be posted to her socials afterward. Ellen also explained how she wanted the money her parents planned to spend on her graduation to go to something good instead of nothing because she didn't want a graduation party.

She also stated that Facebook's birthday fundraisers gave her the idea to do something for others Ellen asked our friend group to help decorate and be servers, and many of us volunteered (myself included) because we would've gone to her party if she had one. Ellen also said she received compliments at church for the idea she had post-announcement.

Ellen also wanted to do a ceremony where she'd acknowledge each veteran and give them a goodie bag (she asked us to help with goodie bag ideas). However, when her parents informed her that some people (who signed up through the church) told the church that they didn't want to be on social media, it led to a change in Ellen's demeanor that led to me making this post.

To clarify, some people (less than 5) didn't feel comfortable being online. So when Ellen planned to call each veteran onto the stage to give them a gift, some people wanted to be edited out of walking on stage Ellen vented to our group about how the church asked for certain people to be edited out of the ceremony recording before posting to social media, and Ellen planned to record with her equipment.

The church even offered to have the church's video editors edit her video to make it easier along with offering to record it on church cameras too, but she was upset because she "didn't want to split video credit" nor heed those requests. She said that the people who requested were being "entitled" when they were receiving free food.

But when her parents told her that she was being unreasonable, she said she "should've never created the event" and "didn't want to be told how to make her videos". She also said she'd rather cancel because the veterans "should be thanking her instead of complaining."

But when her parents said that video consent was important when posting online, she told them to cancel the banquet, but was told that it wasn't completely in their hands after getting the church involved and using their venue/help with catering costs (along with people already signed up).

When one of our friends asked if the point of the event was to honor veterans as she originally said, she said the event "would've been about her" if she had a graduation. But when I said that honoring the request seemed proper to do, she questioned if I was on her side.

She also said she shouldn't do something nice for others "if she wasn't getting anything out of it." She then said we were done volunteering because she was going to have it canceled. But when we suggested calming down before canceling emotionally, she didn't like that either.

However, what made me most disappointed was when she made a video stating that her parents "didn't allow" her to have a graduation party, thus why she created the veteran's party as an alternative although she was "suppressing" how she felt.

She also said she planned to sue for "emotional distress" if they didn't cancel the banquet at the church, and she deleted her previous videos discussing the party. When some of us reached out to her afterward, she admitted to one of our friends that she lied in the video (about not being allowed to have a graduation party) to try and stop the banquet, and hearing that changed my opinion of her.

The party is scheduled for January, and many of us have already begun helping with preparations (not to mention those who already signed up to attend). I'm sorry my post was long, but this is my question. What would be the best way to handle this situation?

We previously met at Ellen's home to discuss decorations/goodie bag ideas, but that was before Ellen's change, and some of us (myself included) are still supposed to be servers.

I'm debating reaching out to her parents to see if she's alright/the status of the party because some of our friends think she's struggling with some sort of emotional breakdown, but a few others think she only cared about making the video her way/getting views. If Ellen is truly suffering, I want to help her. I'm going to call her parents to see if she's alright, but we've never seen her act like this before.

I also don't believe in ghosting the commitment, so that's another reason I'm going to call them. But if anyone has any other advice, I'd really appreciate it as I'm open to anything, and thanks to anyone who read all of that too.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

ComposerThen6843 wrote:

It seems she only organised the event so she could post on social media to make herself look good, kind & caring, which is why she's being ridiculous & unreasonable now. OP & all the other volunteers should carry on without her input.

OP responded:

That's why I'm planning to call her parents to see how she is/the status of the event we're still supposed to be servers in because we did a lot of planning already.

Someone else said that she might not be suffering from anything emotionally as one friend thought, but rather that she is being selfish and only about making the video her way, thus why she didn't want the church's help editing those people out and refusing to do it outright.

Natashoverworld wrote:

Your friend is not a good person, she just hides it well.

I hope the banquet moves forward and your friend is completely erased from it.

OP responded:

I don't believe in ghosting a commitment given her sudden desire to cancel, not to mention the video she admitted was a lie to try and have the event stopped. I'm going to call her parents to see how she is/the banquet status because we already put a lot into planning too.

Imaginary-Yak-6487 wrote:

Your friend (not) isn’t a good person she makes herself out to be. She wants to be front & center. She wants the goodie points for her sm. She’s showing herself to be a narcissist ‘martyr’. And look what I’m doing, aren’t I special. I hope the church & everyone involved still plans on honoring the Veterans.

OP responded:

I honestly agree and lean towards her being selfish rather than an emotional breakdown as one of my friends thought because of how she showed her true colors when asked to edit a few people out of the video and made it about "not sharing editing credit" when the church never asked for it seemingly (and everything else about why she never should've thought of the event).

As stated to others, I'm going to call her parents to see how she is/the status of the event we're still supposed to be servers in (and did preparations for too), and they told her about the importance of video consent and seemed to not cave to her demands to cancel, but I hope to get a better picture after I call.

ReflectionBroad4009 wrote:

Not all suffering deserves empathy and softness. She's hurt that her selfish plans aren't being catered to and that nobody is on her side.

OP responded:

The whole event was her idea. The decision to not have a graduation party was her idea (including not having a high school one because she didn't like to celebrate herself). But when she was asked to just edit a few people out, she threw a fit because it had to be her way or no way.

The church even offered to help with editing them out with their editing team, but she didn't want to split video credit. Like, the whole gesture of the event seemed nice until her rant and the video she made.

ReflectionBroad4009 responded:

The changes requested wouldn't even have made much of an impact. Who would have known? The social media posts would still have given her image the polish she desired.

OP responded:

She made a big thing about not sharing editing credits, but she didn't say the church even asked for editing credits. The church offered to let their editing staff do it for convenience, not for anything else like she thinks. Her parents even told her that video consent is important when posting other people online, but she disagreed and regretted the event as a whole.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

When I made my last post, I said I was going to call Ellen's parents after Ellen didn't return two calls I made after questioning if I was on her side during her rant about regretting creating the banquet. A few of the others in our friend group also called because we didn't believe in ghosting a commitment, and we had already begun creating giveaways/decoration ideas previously with Ellen.

When I called, I decided to call her mom (we'll call her Joy. I told her that I called to ask about the banquet's status along with how Ellen was doing/told us not to volunteer anymore, and she said she appreciated me calling. She also said she was aware of Ellen's video slandering them and asked her to remove it, but hasn't as of yet.

She said they were going through a lot as a family, but that she appreciated me inquiring after I told her I didn't believe in ghosting commitments. She confirmed that the banquet was still on and that she'd still love for us to volunteer because cancelling would be wrong to everyone involved and especially the veteran families attending.

She also confirmed the argument Ellen said she had with them (about cancelling). She also said she and her husband were debating how to handle the video/her recent behavior They told Ellen she was overreacting to a simple request to edit two veterans out of the video when there were dozens of people signed up.

When I told her that many of us were supposed by Ellen's sudden shift, she told me something I never knew. When Ellen decided not to have a high school graduation when they offered to throw her one, she began complaining after hearing how some friends received a lot of money at their graduations.

So when they asked if she still wanted a graduation party albeit much later into the summer than they would've initially, she blamed them for not "throwing one for her" instead of asking because she hated "planning parties for herself."

So when she declined, they offered to take her to dinner with a few friends if she wanted something smaller, but she said no and that it was too late. So when it came to her college graduation, they were certain she'd want one this time, but was surprised when she didn't.

Joy said she made a mistake by "enabling" Ellen when Ellen blamed her indecisiveness on them (they did give her a graduation gift though). However, she said she wasn't giving into her tantrum this time by cancelling the party after getting others involved. Yes, this banquet was entirely Ellen's idea, and yes it never would've been created without her.

However, Joy said that that wasn't a reason to "disrespect" everyone she got involved. When Ellen told her parents how she wanted to honor relatives who were veterans that she was close with, she also told them she felt "led by God" to do it, and they thought it was a wonderful idea if she wasn't comfortable with a party for herself.

However, in light of her tantrum about refusing to share video editing credit the church never asked for (and gave Ellen the choice to edit the veterans out herself) because she felt offended by the veteran's request.

Joy said it was her fault for not teaching her earlier to not be entitled and to accept advice/constructive criticism, and she said she should've put her foot down a long time ago They fully paid for her tuition to go to college, and they're (rightfully) insulted about her threat to sue them.

I told her that Ellen admitted to a friend that she lied in the video to stop the banquet, and Joy said it'd be good for Ellen to learn now that she won't always get her way before getting married and being a "drama queen" when planning her wedding someday, and she said she spoke to a few others in our friend group about still volunteering too.

So as of now, I'm still volunteering, and I consider my friendship with Ellen over. I'll definitely update after the banquet, and I appreciate the comments reinforcing my beliefs to follow through on the commitment. But there's one more thing I wanted to add. I'm not personally religious, but I've volunteered in the past.

I enjoy doing it and simply saw this as a volunteer event in a church, and I've done previous food drives connected to church's when I was younger. I hope the event goes well and that Ellen comes to her senses, but even if it requires this situation to learn she can't always get her way, maybe that'll help her long term. I've called her a few more times since my first post as a last ditch effort, but she never answered still.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

itsallminenow wrote:

I have every expectation that trying to teach Ellen not to be an entitled f**kwit is a horse that has long left the stable. She's too old to have a long education in humility at her parent's hands, and too young to have the wisdom to work it out for herself. I think Ellen will continue being an insufferable self centered narcissist for many unhappy years to come.

Continuing with the party for the veterans is the only honourable thing to do here, and you should be commended for doing so, plus it might serve as a suitable middle finger to the pulsating AH that Ellen appears to be.

OP responded:

Her parents asked her to remove the video and she refused, so I wouldn't put money on her coming around, but hoping that somehow she does. I couldn't imagine threatening to sue my parents who paid for her full tuition and didn't charge rent to live at home through college.

WA_State_Buckeye responded:

If you reach out to where she posted the video and report it as people not having given permission, that might get the site to take the video down.

OP responded:

I didn't think of that, but it sounds like a great idea. If enough of us do it, maybe it can be taken down. Thanks for the suggestion.

Moon_Ray_77 wrote:

Your friend is not a nice or good person AT ALL!!! This had nothing to do with honoring veterans but everything to do with getting likes on fn social media. People like your friend are gross.

OP responded:

The church was super reasonable when they offered to let their video staff edit the veterans (who requested not to be posted online) out of the video for her, and they even offered their church cameras to record it.

But she became so fixated/angry about the veterans' request which made some of us think that everything has to be her way or the highway, even something as small as editing two out of dozens of people who signed up out of the video.

Moon_Ray_77 responded:

This has nothing to do with the church. It doesn't even have anything to do with the veterans. Your friend is trying to orchestrate a situation to solely benefit herself under the disguise of being a good person.

She is showing everyone that she doesn't give a s**t about the veterans by her actions. If she really cared, it wouldn't matter if none of them wanted to be posted on social media. She would still have been happy to do it.

OP responded:

Completely agree. When she vented to us, she mostly complained about not getting views for the video when no one would've known that two out of double digit people were edited out, so I think her priority was getting views first and foremost.

Two weeks later, OP shared another update.

I didn't plan to update again so soon, but something else happened that needs to be added. To put it frankly, the banquet is no longer happening due to something else Ellen did. When I made my previous update, it was after Ellen posted a second video threatening to sue her church after her first video threatened to sue her parents.

However, we just learned that she also sent DMs to certain veterans (including the two veterans who asked to not be recorded among others) telling them not to attend while using profanity due to her parents "stealing her idea" and "not letting her have a graduation party" to fund the banquet.

Things she admitted were lies in the past (to one of our friends in my first post) simply to have the banquet cancelled.

Thing is, she changed her story again just like she did in her first and second video, so nothing's been consistent with her. In the DMs, Ellen stated that the banquet was now "her idea" (she said it was her parent's in her previous videos) that she wanted to host separately from her graduation party.

She also said her parents "stole" her idea and decided to fund the banquet instead of a graduation party. However, she also threatened them to not attend because she'd mention whoever attended in a video in addition to suing them (just like she did when she threatened to sue her parents/church), and she used a bit of vulgarity too.

Our friend group used to meet at her parent's home to make the goodie bags/decorations (that she tossed), but we learned about this when Joy and her husband met us at a friend's home that became our new place to brainstorm briefly after Ellen's departure. Long story short, some veterans told the church about the DMs/threats, and the church leaders came to a decision about how to handle it

Due to the threats and the possibility of Ellen showing up and making things awkward, the church has decided to cancel the banquet because the situation has gotten out of control. Some veterans who reached out also said they were considering not attending as a result, and the church didn't want anyone to feel that way.

So instead of paying for catering like they planned (the church and Ellen's parents were both paying for it), they decided to purchase $25 multi-restaurant gift cards so that the veteran families who were coming can eat in peace on their own terms, and some of the restaurants include Olive Garden and Outback Steakhouse among others.

The banquet was for families that had current and past veterans, and they believe it's the best way to avoid further escalation. In addition, the church already has a yearly tradition of honoring veterans on the nearest Sunday to Veterans Day by having them stand up (they do the same for mothers on mothers day) during service and giving them a gift afterwards.

They also said they might do their own veterans dinner closer to Veterans Day in the future, but probably not soon or next year to put some distance between Ellen's mess being fresh in everyone's mind. The church already does a Christmas dinner for the congregation where they also sing Christmas carols, so they are capable of doing it on their own terms.

The church also gave our friend group gift cards (Joy gave them to us) as thanks for our help leading up to Ellen's meltdown, but we never got to kick things into high gear before her meltdown happened aside from goodie bags/decorations. Personally, I'm really surprised by how the church handled it and plan to deescalate the situation, and I can't think of a better way they could've.

Joy also apologized to us for the drama that came so close to Christmas (Ellen's second video threatening the church was last weekend), and they told us that the church also banned Ellen from their premises and may do more if she continues harassing their congregation.

Joy said it was hard because Ellen was dedicated in that church as an infant and involved growing up too (baptized as a teen, youth group and children's choir), and she might consider going to a new church so that they can attend as a family in the future (if Ellen wants), but probably not soon because her husband is still serving a term on a board.

Someone asked if everything was okay with Ellen's mental health, but Joy said that there were other tantrums Ellen had in high school years that we didn't see, and we only learned of the high school graduation party drama last weekend that we weren't aware of She thanked all of us for wanting to help post-Ellen's meltdown, and I felt really bad for them along with some others in our group.

But some people commented that some of it was likely on her parents for raising Ellen somewhat entitled, but Joy admitted that she didn't put her foot down enough in my last update when I called her, and she echoed similar sentiments to our friend group too. I want to thank everyone who commented with awesome advice on gaining sponsorships for the event, and maybe it'll come in handy in the future.

We didn't even get to start, but I think the gift card alternative is better given the circumstances. Some of our friend group disagreed and said that the church should've done the event anyway as a statement to Ellen, but I agree with the church not wanting to escalate while appeasing veterans who were considering dropping out.

We are all done with Ellen as friends, but some of us (myself included) are hoping she comes around to her senses somehow. Not to be friends again with me, but just to save a lot of people grief and time.

The internet had a lot of thoughts.

Golden_Mandala wrote:

I would be astonished if she could find a lawyer to take on such an obviously frivolous and ridiculous lawsuit.

OP responded:

A few people suggested that no one would take that case in my last post, and I still think that. She went from threatening to sue her parents who paid for her full college ride to now the church and tagging them.

sunbear2525 wrote:

She doesn’t have damages but she could file a suit herself.

OP responded:

I feel like threatening to sue her parents was one thing, but that threatening to sue the church/organization is another. Her parents may be forgiving, but who knows with the church. I haven't been made aware of any response from the church yet, but I'm curious to see how/if they handle it.

StrangledinMoonlight wrote:

If the lawsuit went anywhere, they’d pull her social media videos and that would tank her case. I’m also sure she has texts with her parents and friends about it being her idea as well.

OP responded:

For what it's worth, she confessed to someone in our friend group that she made up the part of the video about how she wasn't allowed to have a graduation party to try and have the banquet cancelled, so there's that too.

GrapefruitSobe wrote:

As if she has the money to pay for a lawyer, especially one unscrupulous enough to take a case like that. This lady needs a reality check.

OP responded:

She still lives with her parents who paid for her full ride into college too.

IceQueenTigerMumma wrote:

Omg, this is all going on and she's STILL living with her parents....what the hell?

OP responded:

When I spoke to her mom as I mentioned in my last update, she said she was upset with the audacity she had to want to sue them after everything they put out for her (and offered to give her a high school graduation party too that she refused before refusing her college graduation party and blaming them for not wanting one both times).

A few days later, OP shared another update.

I'm updating because Ellen made a new video. And while my friends and I were disgusted with her recent actions, her new video brought about some concerns. Her demeanor was different than her other videos, and she mostly vented while seeming somewhat depressed. In her new video, she said that the banquet being cancelled "helped her mental health" because it was making her angry.

She also said that girls "only have three days where everything is about them" (sweet sixteen, high school graduation, and wedding), and she "made a mistake in surrendering her graduation for random veterans." She also opened up about something new, and that was anxiety regarding her sweet sixteen.

She said she was excited in the lead-up to her sweet sixteen (years ago), but that she "felt uncomfortable being the center of attention" when she came out (in her dress) during the walk-in and turned around to run into the bathroom and hide (had a panic attack). She said she didn't know why she reacted that way, and her parents tried to push her to come back out to the party.

But when she refused and was embarrassed, her parents ended the party early/abruptly and later had her prayed over during an altar call at church. In the aftermath of the sweet sixteen, she said she beat herself up for "ruining one of the only opportunities to have a day entirely about her."

And when her parents offered to throw a high school graduation party later, she said she wanted to have one, but declined due to fear of not knowing why had a panic attack previously and not wanting it to happen again. However, when she later learned how much money her friends gained from cards/gifts at their graduation parties, it made her regret not having one which made her angry again.

By the time she wanted one, it was late summer with people about to leave for college. But when her parents offered to throw a last-minute party so she could be celebrated/collect gifts (her parents gifted her money for her graduation way before according to her), she declined because "the moment passed."

And when they offered to take her and some friends to a restaurant instead, she declined again which led to her wanting to hurt herself for originally declining, but she didn't go into specific details. So when her college graduation rolled around, her parents asked if she wanted a party months before (like they offered a high school graduation party).

But she said no because "she wasn't comfortable celebrating herself" as she told our friends in my first post. But instead of having the money her parents planned to spend on her go to waste, she created the veterans banquet which seemed like a beautiful idea at the time. However, in her new video, she explained her change of heart.

She said she truly wanted to celebrate herself, but that she wasn't sure if it would trigger a panic attack again. So she decided to "celebrate herself under the guise of celebrating veterans" which she thought would ease her trauma by making them the center of attention, but she had a change of heart midway.

When some veterans asked not to be shown on video, it made her realize that "no one would tell her what to do if she had a graduation party instead" and that she "gave away power by not making it all about her." So that triggered her along with something else around the same time.

She said she threw away two opportunities to make everything about her with only a wedding remaining, and there was no guarantee of a wedding happening unlike the other two (sweet sixteen, graduations).

And when her parents refused to cancel the banquet after veteran families signed up to attend (unlike how they accommodated her request to abruptly end her sweet sixteen during her panic attack).

She said it made her angry to know that veterans "were benefiting off of a day that was supposed to be all about her if she had a graduation party," and she realized she may never get a third day in a wedding. She said that wants to hurt herself sometimes and that she doesn't want therapy because it's "too late."

I called her mom again after the video to try and encourage her to push for therapy with her admitting how she wants to hurt herself, and she said she would try. I also want to add that comments were disabled on the video and that she seemed distraught unlike her previous ones , and I found myself worried for her with this new info.

I hope she is able to get the help she needs, and others in my friend group were incredibly worried by the video too. Some of us tried calling her again too, but many of us are now blocked. Her mother assured me that she and other relatives were trying to help her, so I will update if anything comes from it.

People did not hold back one bit.

Shelly_895 wrote:

Honestly, after reading all the posts, it seems this girl has no issues making things about herself anyways. I don't get why she needs dedicated days for that.

Wholetyouinhere wrote:

I strongly suspect that the three dedicated "days" or "making things about herself" is all just noise; that this girl is having a serious psychological breakdown, and those convoluted talking points are desperate attempts at trying to make sense of it all.

Saint_Blaise wrote:

It's awesome that Ellen has insight into her triggers, but she is still in complete denial about the consequences of her decisions. She definitely needs real psychotherapy as her absence of empathy is concerning and ultimately self-destructive.

TheKittenPatrol wrote:

Therapy is never too late. I say this is someone who started therapy over three years into being chronically ill, and only after having a major physical and mental health declination and developing depression. It has only been a few months, but I can already see the changes. And some of the changes are in perceptions I know I’ve held for decades.

So in case anyone is thinking that it’s too late for them, it really isn’t. (There’s other conversations to be had around difficulties with cost or finding a therapist that works for you; someone not getting therapy because they can’t find an affordable/suitable therapist is an entirely different thing than this.)

Hopefully, Ellen grows up and out of this behavior, otherwise she's going to alienate everyone in her life.