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'My friendships ended because I won't pay for someone to go on a trip.' UPDATED 2X

'My friendships ended because I won't pay for someone to go on a trip.' UPDATED 2X

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We all have our breaking point, especially when it comes to patterns of entitlement.

"My friendships ended because I won't pay for someone to go on a trip."

Realizing that I had a leech as a friend and I'm disappointed in myself.

Lori always wants to participate, but never contributes. And most of the time it never really bothered me.

Our group of six always contributed extra for things like concerts, weekend trips, and so on. In high school, it was because Lori came from a poorer family than the rest of us and wasn't able to get a job due to parentification (had four younger siblings). Then in college, it was because she couldn't work and maintain her grades without losing her scholarship.

Now, she can't contribute anything because she's struggling financially and didn't have the means to save anything. And I got pissed, admittedly because she spends her money in crap ways. I've called her the "Carrie Bradshaw" of the group, which wasn't appreciated, but is very much true in how she uses her income.

We've been planning this trip for FOUR YEARS! I know it's awful to look at what someone has and judge their finances, but Lori is the same person who had NO expenses during the pandemic because she was living with ME and my great grandmother.

She didn't pay for groceries, wasn't charged rent, still had her job, was getting hazard pay! Lori waited until it came time to start paying for everything to say she didn't have it. She said this to me one-on-one. While we were out shopping for the trip, HER idea.

Lori wanted to go to stores that weren't cheap - I asked if she was sure and she claims she wanted to treat herself. She spent just over a thirteen-hundred dollars. And then we go to lunch and she has the nerve to tell me she can't afford the trip - a whopping $2,683 per person for fifteen days. Of course I said no and guess what?

She brings in the rest of the group two days later and all of them are on board with splitting her expenses. Translation, they would cover half the costs among them and I'd be stuck with the other half because I make the most money. And saying no means I'm an AH, calling Lori out for blowing half of what she'd have to pay for the trip on crap she didn't need was "too harsh and uncalled for?"

They claim that she deserved to feel good about herself after the life she had. Like I wasn't raised by my grandparents and neglected by my parents in favor of their step children, wasn't working through high school and maintaining my grades to be valedictorian, like I wasn't struggling until I got a good internship because I HAD TO WORK!

Yeah, I'm financially secure now, but why the hell should Lori be rewarded for bad spending habits? They're all upset now because I told them I'd go on a trip by myself - they didn't think I'd cancel it and go through with booking a trip for myself. It's costing me more, but screw them. They want Lori to go on a trip, they can plan one and take her without me involved.

People had a lot to say in response.

CaptainWellingtonIII wrote:

What kind of mental hold does she have on you folks? She has some type of professor x type powers. What does she bring to the group that allows her to mooch off of everyone.That's crazy.

OP responded:

It's legitimately just pity at this point. All of them focus heavily on how she had an awful life growing up, which I'm not gonna discredit. Lori's life sucked and the only way she was able to do anything with us was if my grandparents watched her siblings.

But can she seriously use that as an excuse to be so irresponsible for the rest of her life!? Like seriously, she blew half the cost of the trip IN MY FACE...

b3mark wrote:

That's an expensive leech. Glad you finally called her out. Probably should have happened a long, long time ago. Are the other people aware that the moment she asked (well, demanded, really) you pay for her trip, she just spent HALF of that trip's cost on random stuff a few hours prior?

If not, that's info they need. If they don't care about that, they weren't really your friends either. If you look back at the group dynamic...are you the one who usually ends up paying a bigger share, just because you have a better paying job? Or did the others contribute equally and Lori was the only leech?

OP responded:

At first, Lori was the only leech, but the ongoing text-argument. Yeah, I've been the one footing a larger share. It wasn't obvious at first, but what's expected of me as a "friend" is disproportionate to what's expected of them.

sw33tlips wrote:

Wow! Call it a very expensive life lesson and now you have shed loads of weight and can friend true friends who appreciate you for you not your income. Your so called friends will find out soon enough what type of a person she is and they may finally get it when it is them you has to cough up hard earned money to make her life easier.

In_need_of_chocolate wrote:

Ummm wtf? No! If you can’t afford it, don’t come. And sure as hell don’t let me watch you spend more than half the cost then tell me you can’t afford it. And who the eff are your friends to decide you’ll be paying half? No! If they want to cover the expenses, they can. But they can’t volunteer you to do it.

Why are you still even friends with her? Or any of them? We had a friend like this once and we just stopped inviting her. If my friends weren’t all over it, I would have said I’m not coming.

OP responded:

Like I said, it hadn't bothered me before. But she moved out last year, claimed she had a better grasp on her finances, and then hits me with THIS. I'm not going to be friends with any of them after this.

A week later, OP shared an update.

Seriously, I get called mean, selfish, cruel, and a bunch of other insults for not bankrolling an idiot's life, decide to cut contact and end the friendship, and now they want to make up? Lori (the primary leech) has horrible spending habits, think Carrie Bradshaw from SATC.

She'll blow her money on designer clothing and shoes and then ask you to cover her expenses for trips and the more I think about how much money I've wasted on her over the years, the angrier I become. Lori has apparently burned more bridges in the week or so I've been no contact.

They apparently decided that they can't afford to bring Lori on a similar trip to what I had originally planned for us - it was fifteen days split between Portugal, Spain, and Italy. One of the group, Jenna, went to my grandpa because she couldn't get in contact with me. I had blocked all of them, mainly because I got sick of arguing.

Grandpa told her now wasn't a good time, though refused to give her any details. She came back four days in a row until he relented. He called me for her and gave me the gist of things before I told him to send her to the coffee shop I was at (a post for another day because I'm still processing my earlier meeting and know I'll need to vent about it).

The meeting with Jenna went to hell in a handbasket. She started by telling me the group had planned a new trip and she knows I'm mad, but cancelling on them and then not sharing the agency was really cruel. They found an agency to travel through, but to keep the time they had off from work means they have to pay more - cheapest they could get was $4,000 a person.

I didn't respond, mainly because yes, she continued to blame me for their crap like it wasn't their fault I cancelled and stopped talking to them. When I told her that it was their fault, Jenna agreed that it was. She revealed that they tried to talk Lori into returning everything she brought so she could contribute to her part. In her words, they can't afford half the things I can.

Jenna personally believes that Lori's need for designer things is because of me. I didn't snap immediately at this and let her ramble about it.

"I know you don't notice it, but you're always wearing nice things and spending money on nice places."

"You're always buying expensive makeup, getting your nails and your hair done, she just wants that lifestyle too and it's like you're rubbing it in her face. ALL of us are at fault." And yes, I do spend my money on those things. But as I told Lori and now Jenna, I can AFFORD THAT LIFESTYLE.

I budget for those things, I thrift shop and a good number of my "nice things" are second-hand. Yes, I put a lot of effort into my appearance, but I also live BELOW MY MEANS! I live in the house my great grandmother owns outright and pay utilities, shop in bulk and local markets for food, and have good insurance that covers great grandma's medical expenses.

I, again, thrift for my nicer things or save for them or wait for a sale. I have enough in my "lost my job" savings account to last a year - yes, I have an savings account just for that and continue to add to it from every paycheck.

Everyone that knows me are aware of how I can afford what I afford, I don't make an effort to hide this. However, it is NOT my fault Lori refuses to be smart with her spending. I said all of this to Jenna and she had the nerve to CRY! She said not everyone can have that type of security and unlike me, they can't afford a last minute trip and Lori especially couldn't.

I cut her off when she started on Lori's sad childhood and just let her have it. I told her she was fixated on my finances and lifestyle, but that wasn't my fault - she and the rest of the group all have decent careers, they all had better safety nets than I did, and it made them complacent.

I didn't have that - yes, I was middle class growing up, but I wasn't as well-off as them. Yes, I had a grandpa who would spoil me, but it wasn't to the extent they think. I still drive his old Impala, I had been the first to get a car in our group, right? Because his eyesight was going bad, he couldn't drive me around like their parents did.

And don't get me started on college itself - Lori had a financial aid packet because she was poor, Jenna and the rest had family that could pay off their tuition and living costs, and I got barely anything aid wise and had to work because my grandparents couldn't afford it and my parents refused to acknowledge me.

If I hadn't landed an internship turned career that paid off my education, I'd still be in debt! Jenna kept crying and I told her to stop - that I'm sick of them and they're crying. I threw her getting cut off by her parents in her face, told her that it was because she's a financial leech just like Lori, and that was a HER problem.

I'm sick of them acting like I'm the problem and I was done listening to her efforts to villainize me. Rather than whining, maybe she should think about why her parents cut her off and why I am also cutting her off - because she likes to blame everyone and everything for her failures.

I shouldn't have said it, but I did - "You got kicked out for stealing someone's essay, you wasted their money and I damn sure won't let you waste mine. Grow the f-up and don't EVER bother my family again." Then I left her there crying. Not my finest moment, but seriously, what the actual hell is wrong with people.

The internet had OP's back.

NikkiDZItall wrote:

You went NC because they were ganging up on you for refusing to pay any part of Lori’s trip. Everyone had FOUR YEARS to save up! FOUR YEARS!!! For Lori to drop $1300 on a single day of shopping, then to cry she can’t afford the trip is just crazy.

Then to have the others try to bully/force you into paying $2K while the 4 of them pay the other $2K? Come on now! Just because you can afford it doesn’t mean you Should pay it! What about food? Souvenirs? Transportation? While y’all travel!?

Had they simply accepted your decision, the five of you could have Still gone on the planned trip by kicking in a little more. You may have been more easily persuaded had they suggested a 5 way split. That’s Not what happened either. Lori has been leeching off you for waaayyyy tooo long as it is.

Suitableforwork666 wrote:

"Not my finest moment"

Are you sh#$ting me? You rock! And honestly you probably did her a favour as she clearly needed a heavy dose of reality. One she may be mature enough you did her a favour.

6poundpuppy wrote:

Good for you OP….it’s so rare on here to read that someone actually has a sold gold spine and a clear, rational thought process. Losing these leeches will free you up to meet people more like yourself. Hard working and responsible. May the light from burning bridges shine on your path forward.

Firebirdwriter wrote:

I am poor. I always will be. Whenever my friends do things I cannot afford? I celebrate their ability to do them. Same with nice clothes. They do help me sometimes and most of the nice things I own are because they are generous people and gifted me things like my phone, food, etc. I never assume they can or will and try to sort it before I ask.

I also know I couldn't in years save for a trip so I won't join them. The cost of my going is high due to disability stuff so...they can go without me. This is fine. I enjoy the stories of their adventures. There's no obligation to do anything for anyone else and if they treat you like an Atm that no and enforcement of boundaries is important. It doesn't feel good but you rock.

Four days later. OP shared another update.

Feeling visceral ick over someone's mom. Seriously, I blocked their daughter nearly two weeks ago. Of my former group, there's Carly. Her parents were always the overly involved sort. Growing up, it was a major point of contention.

People didn't invite her to things because her mom would call or text every few hours. Overnight trips were the worst and birthday parties were intolerable - think "Smothered" where it's not a party just for the daughter, but shared by the mother and turned into an entire "twin" event.

The only reason our group stuck through it was because it was easy to talk her mom, Karen, into being our chaperone. And even then, she was always trying to be "one of the girls" and even back then, it was too much at times. Carly is 26 now.

WHY is her mother calling me crying about how I hurt her (Karen). Cutting off Carly has hurt her mother's feelings, so much so that she claims she's been crying every time she thinks of me and how much I mean to them. Karen is adamant that I'm her friend too, but I barely interacted with her outside of Carly. It's just weirding me out how attached this woman is to me.

Her being old enough to be my mother isn't the issue - I have friends her age and older. But we're not friends. I've occasionally spoken to her without Carly being involved, yes. And prior to cutting Carly off, Karen did text me every so often. But I never spent time with her the way her crying over burnt bridges gives off. And I tried my best to be nice, but come on! We're not friends!

I cut off Carly because I've come to realize and accept that she is not a good friend to me. Karen texted me a paragraphs about "all the time we've spent together" and I'm just uncomfortable. I blocked her - these friendship moments she's claiming were moments I shared with Carly, not her.

And more than that, those same moments made me realize that all of my friends from high school suck. Not one "major life event" Karen brought up had me on the receiving end. Like, has Carly EVER done something nice for me that WASN'T her mom giving her credit? The answer is no.

The internet continued to offer their thoughts.

unzunzhepp wrote:

Sounds like Carly’s mom was keeping your friendship going, since Carly is incapable of socializing. Sounds like the mom worked hard for her daughter having friends and is now trying to patch it up after Carly’s screw up. It’s really odd that Carly can’t manage her social life on her own.

BendingCollegeGrad wrote:

And what was Lori going to do for spending money on the trip? Even if the five of them split the initial trip cost how was she going to afford to go to places, to eat, etc? Even if food was included in the cost it still means she will be hungry at the airport.

OP’s friends are perhaps the kind of group where they once all got along, but changed as they progressed into adulthood so they not longer “fit.” She is better off without them.

Missionthrow responded:

Yes. There are a lot of Hallmark cards written about being “friends forever“ but honestly it’s pretty rare. Lots Of our friends from elementary, high school, and college are mostly with us because we are all at the same stage of life at the same time in the same place.

Once everyone is living their adult lives and making their own decisions lots of friendships fade. Not all of them (my wife & her best friend have known each other for 30 years), but a lot of relationships that started in school don’t survive adulthood.

greymoria wrote:

When she grew a spine, she realised that her friends were with her for her lack of spine. I'm not surprised, people don't like getting called out for mooching.

Sources: Reddit
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