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'My GF asked to use my apartment to hang out with an "old friend." Turns out, it was her ex.' UPDATED

'My GF asked to use my apartment to hang out with an "old friend." Turns out, it was her ex.' UPDATED

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"My girlfriend invited her ex over to my apartment and I’m absolutely livid right now."

I live in a big city in my own apartment. My girlfriend (Lilly) lives with her roommates, but if I’m being honest she basically lives over here 80% of the time. Early today/ yesterday while I was at the gym with my friend (Mike) she texted me that she had an “old friend” she hasn’t seen in awhile that’s in town and that it would be nice to have a quiet place to catch up.

I said they could use my apartment and that I’d go out for dinner with Mike so they’d have time to catch up. During this time I’m at the gym so I was in rush. I didn’t ask who she was inviting over. Well apparently I should as the old friend she was apparently catching up with alone in my apartment was her only ex boyfriend Kyle.

Around 30ish mins after this conversation I get a text from her saying they’re at the apartment. I just said “bet” and continued with my friend. Mike and I finished our workout around 7pm and decided we’d go to Whole Foods as their hot/salad bars got some great food. We ate there and finished around 8:30ish.

I’m on my way home now, and honestly I wasn’t expecting anything other than just saying hi and heading my a$$ to bed. It had been a long day and honestly I was just ready to get to sleep. I arrive home around 9 pm, and at this point I had no idea If her friend was still over or not. I was secretly hoping they weren’t as I didn’t feel like socializing at all, but hey I’ll take one for the team.

When I walked in the apartment I see some big timberland boots that obviously are a mans. I’m immediately like oh sh!t, her friend brought her boyfriend im going to have to stay up and socialize now. I take off my shoes and jacket and start heading down the mini hallway.

As I enter the living area I see my girlfriend sitting on the couch with a man at separate ends but staring right at each other talking. My girlfriend notices me and jumps a little (I didn’t really find this odd at the time but now i thinking back on it makes sense).

At this point I’m still completely oblivious. I say hello and start walking towards the man. I’m looking around the house at this point for her friend honestly I just thought she was in the bathroom. I shake the guys hand and say hey I’m Lilly’s boyfriend.

He replied back in like a cocky way with some “I’m Kyle Lilly’s ex”. I was like oh my fault I thought you her friends boyfriend. Then it got a little quiet and I rapidly come to the realization that my girlfriend has been alone with her ex In MY APARTMENT for the last couple hours.

I look at my girl and say “ so I’m taking this was your old friend?” She said yeah in a soft voice. At this point I wasn't letting myself jump to any conclusions but I’m tired and I don’t feel like socializing. I’m also now upset my girl was just chilling with her ex in my apartment.

It got quiet again and these two made zero effort to continue whatever convo they were having just moments ago. Lilly asks how my day was and I was like it was fine i guess again getting the vibe I’m interrupting something.

At this point I’m fed up (only like a minute or so had past since my question to her) and I look at him and asked Kyle “hey do you mind ending it here for today I actually got some things I got to talk to Lilly about” he said some “she invited me over though and we’re still reminiscing on the good ole days”. I look at Lilly she can’t even look me in my eyes.

I look back at Kyle and say” alright let me rephrase it this is my apartment and I’m telling you to leave”. He then looks at her and says “ do you want me to leave?” At this point and I’m not proud of it I completely lose it. Saying “what the hell do you mean by that?! I don’t give a damn if she wants you to leave or not! I’m telling you to get the hell out my house!”

Lilly is telling me to calm down and turns And tells him he needs to leave. Kyle gets up and heads towards the hallway to get his stuff . I follow and he ends up leaving. I come back and Lilly is now pissed at me saying I embarrassed her. I EMBARRASSED YOU?

She then goes on about how my reaction is totally uncalled for as she told me he was coming over and asked. I was like no Lilly you said a friend was coming over. "a friend." Not once you mention this friend was a male much less your ex. She then says my reaction was BS and that I acted like an a$$. I tell her you were with your ex in my apartment. Do you not understand how messed up that is?

I then asked why the hell y’all were meeting in the first place and she tells me he’s going through “rough” times and needs someone to lean on. And that she just wanted to be there for him as he’s a nice person and that by hanging with him in my apartment it shows nothing shady is going on.

I explain how that is BS and that if my ex stared having issues and I was the one comforting her she would be pissed. She was like no she’d understand because she has empathy. I was like that’s BS Lilly you got pissed at me at the gym cause I smiled when a girl complimented my form when lifting.

She then was like she’s done talking and stormed out. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t chase, I haven’t reach out. I just sat on the couch and thought about what the hell just happened . I then called my father who gave me some great advice.

She then texted me these two hours ago. “Can we talk?” “Im sorry for not telling you it was my ex that I invited was inviting over. I dont want you to get the wrong idea nothing happened. Nothing is going to happen. I love you. He messaged me out of the blue he needed someone to talk to.

I didn’t think that much of it I’m sorry for deceiving you (that sounds like bs right?? I didn’t think much of it then followed by sorry for deceiving you like obviously you did think about it or you would’ve been truthful) . I wanted to talk to him at your place because I didn’t want you to assume something else was going on” “ please talk to me I love you”.

Obliviously if she sees this she’ll know I’m talking about us but she doesn’t use Reddit. I haven’t responded yet I’m leaning towards wanting to break things up with her after talking about all this wit my pops. Not for her talking him but for how I felt in the moment it all was happening.

It’s a huge red flag for me that she said “old fiend” instead of ex. I still don’t get it. I’m the moment of me getting visibly upset with her ex she didn’t take my side once. When I was nice before I even recognized him it felt like I was the odd man out.

I just felt like she doesnt respect me. Not on some 1950s crap where the women has to respect the man,but if the roles were reversed and I was with my ex at her house I would’ve backed my girl when she was getting mad. I would’ve called my ex out for talking cocky to my girl ect. I’m still very pissed so I don’t think I should be talking to her right now it’s currently around 3 am… honestly I’m just tired idk if I’m pissed.

EDIT 1: It's currently 12;44 pm Its already been long day and will continue to be a long day. I've seen your comments ill update tonight or tomorrow depending what the hell ends up fully playing out. IM on like 3 hrs of sleep.. PS I added paragraphs.. This whole writing was my just typing the words from thoughts last night I had no idea so many would view this...

What do you think he should do in this situation? Do you agree with how he handled it? This is what top commenters had to say:

said:

This is messed up. Don’t worry op, you’ll be laughing about all this with her in a few years on her next BF’s couch hell Kyle may even be there too.

said:

SO DISRESPECTFUL. Why was a coffee shop not an option? Did they need to meet indoors at OP’s place to have a quiet chat? Could they not chat over the phone if things were that bad? I feel like Kyle was enjoying the feeling of domination in OP’s apartment. Kyle has a plan. Dump her, OP, and let him have her. Let him think he won.

said:

A) It's your residence. Who you allow in it is your call just as who you kick out of it.

B) If the guy copped an attitude towards me, in my own home, I'd kick him out as well. Oh wait, I have done that, so, no judgement here.

C) Yes, your gf SHOULD have explained the situation, that it was her ex, etc, so you weren't blindsided. She didn't. That's on her.

D) Yes, your gf DIDN'T explain it because she already assumed that if she did, you would not only not allow her to use your place for the meeting, but, may have not wanted that meeting to occur at all. So, she didn't, kept it vague, and assumed that the ex would be gone before you got home. You've got every right to be pissed. I would be as well.

Watch your back. An ex showing up can mean nothing, or, can lead to a total breakup depending on how things go. Yes, this is from experience when the ex of my then gf showed up out of the blue wanting her back and she took him back. That started, btw, with a "let's meet and talk" between the two of them. The "talk" was him wanting her back.

said:

Wow this isn't even red flags, this is just 100% red. So many boundaries crossed, and what an a$$hole this guy is to be asking HER if he should leave YOUR apartment. This is around the time I'd either be kicking her to the curb or installing cameras, your girl is shady AF and is disrespecting so many boundaries.

If something hasn't already happened then it's about to. "rough times" and "someone to lean on" sounds like the start of about 60% of infidelity stories I see

A day after his original post, OP shared this major update:

It’s currently around 7pm when writing this and honestly the last 13ish hours I’ve been up have been draining to say the least. I awoke in the morning to my phone going absolutely nuts with notifications from reddit. I’m honestly like why did I decide to pour my personal thoughts out on the internet??

I began to scroll y'all's comments and to say I was shocked is an absolute understatement. Literally almost all of y’all are actively taking my side, and I mean I was just scrolling this morning just looking for that one comment that was taking hers. It did not come.

What surprised me the most were the amount of women in this thread that said they would never do this to their man and that it is beyond disrespectful. I mean those comments hit the hardest this morning as those were my thoughts exactly. Last night was a stress storm for me to be honest. I couldn’t believe what had just happened.

As yall can guess from my post I live alone so there wasn’t anyone at my crib that I could talk to so I decided to call the one man that's had my back since day one. My pops. As many have messaged me and many have commented I will go into detail on what exactly our phone call entailed.

First I’m gonna go back to when it originally happened so that it makes more sense. Also when reading back my thoughts from last night it was clear I was rushing at the end and honestly just fed up with everything at that point so I skipped a lot of details.

Okay to start Lilly had just stormed out of my apartment at this point when I called her out that she wouldn’t be okay with me meeting with my ex cause they needed someone to “lean” on. Like I said before I didn’t call out, text, or follow her. At this point I am furious and I can’t believe what just happened. I take a seat on the couch and try breathing exercises.

I am trying to calm down, but it’s no use cause I keep remembering Kyle asking “do you want me to leave?” to my girlfriend. I didn’t really elaborate on this beforehand but that sent me to another world and I was absolutely about lose my sh!t to the max. I just kept telling myself it's not worth it, it's not worth it, it's not worth it…

At this point all I want to do is beat Kyle's a$$, and all my methods for calming down were failing at this point. I Just said screw it and picked up my phone and said “Siri call old man." I honestly didn’t know what I was going to say at this point, but I knew if there was one person who could get through to me it would be my pops.

Now I don’t remember the exact dialogue that exactly went down, but I’m going to try my best to be as accurate as possible. *Phone dialing* dad picks up and says ‘I seen it already vooch dropped 43 on they a$$” I started laughing a bit and say “its not about that dad I just go into a huge fight with Lilly dad,,, I’m really pissed dad I don’t want to do anything stupid”.

“Whoah whoah okay where are you right now? Are you with her? Are you guys okay?” -dad, “I’m at the crib right now and she just stormed out, yes I am chilling I just don’t know what do” - me

There's a long pause after this and I hear my pops take a deep breath and say “alright alright hit me” I began to give him the same run down I gave you guys in my last post. The whole time my pops is dead silent doesn’t say a word. I finished up the story. All he asked was “what does kyle look like?”

I won’t lie this caught my off guard cause I was like damn dad why does it matter what he looks like. I responded “uh idk he was white with long curly hair ect” “why?” my dad was like “ no no how tall was he?” at this point i'm like wtf dad,, “ uh idk he was like 5’9 max” my dad laughs a bit and says “explains the timberlands then, male equivalent of heels”

I didn’t realize it yesterday but what my pops was doing was what he always does I literally can’t stay pissed if i laugh and my dad can make me laugh on demand. I started laughing. I was like “ you right you right” he then was like “ how much he think he weighed?” I had to think for a minute but I was like “hmm maybe a buck 55 ish."

My pops then brought up the argument between Kyle and I. “You said Lilly told Kyle to leave after you started to get mad right?” “Yeah” I responded. My dad pauses for a long time again and takes another deep breath “ (my name) I wouldn’t be surprised if this situation is a lot deeper than it seems. It speaks volumes to me she only rallied for him to leave after you began to get real upset.

{my name} you are 6’0 190 lbs and were just disrespected in your own house by a man you do not know. When a woman cares for someone the last thing she wants is for him to be in harm's way. She understood exactly what was going to happen if the situation continued to escalate, and she chose to get Kyle out of harm's way.

Followed by switching all the blame to you and leaving. Honestly son, where do you think she's at right now?” I didn’t say anything. I knew what he was Implying. “ I know it hurts, but promise me you won’t do anything irrational. She made her decision there's not much you can do to change it.

You’ve proven your whole life your one of one don’t lose yourself now over something that will just end up a tiny bump on your road map. I mean seriously I couldn’t be more proud of you son. You're 22 living on your own in (city), you got your sh!t together that's rare {my name}, your rare {my name}.

The right women like your mom for me (I laughed a little) will walk into your life when you least expect it. Don’t waste your energy. Everything happens for a reason son.” I paused for a minute and said “ thank you I needed this dad” my dad laughed “ of course your mom and I are here for you always”. *Ends call*

Fast forward back to this morning. I couldn’t sleep last night so this morning was just completely a$$. Lily was blowing up my phone the whole night apologizing and begging for my forgiveness. It’s around 11 am at this point I'm completely just over this situation. I still haven’t responded to her since she stormed off last night. In my opinion she made her choice.

However , I got a long week ahead of me and can’t be having this continue to impact me this much going forward. I eat something and head down to my apartment's local gym to just run ( on lifting days I go to a private gym and on cardio days I use the apartment's gym). Running is therapeutic for me.

Around 1 o'clock I got a phone call and you guessed it, it was from Lilly. No part of me wanted to pick up the phone, but we’ve been dating for 2.5 years. I felt obligated. *picks up phone* “What's up?” I say to be immediately met with crying “Im sorry {my name} I love you to death. Please just talk to me. I shouldn’t have left last night. I panicked. You know i Love you {my name}”

I didn’t say anything “{my name} please talk to me. This isn’t right, please just talk to your girlfriend. I'm sorry. I told you nothing happened, I Won't ever talk to him again please i beg can we just talk”. At this point the realization of my feelings for her started to really kick in. instead of anger, sorrow, or any emotion tbh I just felt a sense of indifference when she spoke.

I responded “can you come over around 3?” still crying at this point “YES yes yes yes” she says. “Ok” I say *ends call* I’m just sitting on the sofa now at this time just waiting for 3 to roll around. Scrolling through the comments on my previous post. *knock* *knock* I hear from the hallway. Shortly after I see my girlfriend emerge from the mini hallway. She begins to start smiling and crying while wiping her tears.

Again I take notice of how I feel at this moment. A sense of indifference. A feeling I don’t care about anymore. It really started to hit me, 2.5 years wasted just like that. The woman who I cared so deeply for just 24 hrs before now is in front of me crying and I don’t feel a thing.

“Lilly, it’s over between us” I said. Completely shocked, she barely manages to mutter out “what?” while still crying. “It’s over” I repeated. “(my name) (my name) (my name) (my name) (my name) no no no no no no no. Please, I'm sorry. Don't end this between us I love you to death” she said hysterically. Now I won’t lie that last bit hit hard. I mean hard man. I couldn’t mask it anymore; the lid had been broken.

“Don't end this between us?” I say. “ Lilly, I'm sorry I can’t take this anymore. I don’t know what impression I gave you over our relationship, but I won’t stay in a relationship with a women who thinks that little of me. You made the decision to end things between us when invited your ex into my apartment behind my back Lilly. That is something I refuse to let slide Lilly”

At this point my thoughts just begin to flow out of my mouth like a tidal wave. “ No man is that cocky for no reason Lilly. I’m not a fool Lilly. You gave him some type of reassurance to give him the confidence to act like that. You even backed him in front of me. Why would I stay with someone whose not going to have my back?” Absolutely balling at this point Lilly say ”I’m sorry (my name) I love you Im sorry”

Yall can call me whatever you want but at this point I just went soft. I didn’t have the heart to keep drilling her anymore. She was just breaking down crying uncontrollably. I just sat down in silence. “ (my name) I'm sorry it won't happen again (my name) I love you only you. I won't ever talk to him again I wont I promise. ( my name) please just give me one more chance” said lilly.

I'm completely silent. I mean there was just a huge pressure on my chest it felt like my ribcage was gonna crack under the pressure. Sat there silently listening to her crying I remembered one my favorite songs:

"I'd rather have loyalty than love, 'Cause love really don't mean jack, See love is just a feeling, You can love somebody and still stab them in they back, It don't take much to love, You can love somebody just by being attached, See loyalty is a action, You can love or hate me and still have my back” -21 savage.

I just kept repeating those lyrics in my head over and over and over again. To many, it might seem she said all the right things,but to me actions speak louder than words. Last night she chose to make her decision on us through her actions, and since actions speak louder than words it really didn’t matter what she said.

I'm struggling to keep it together at this point. I really did love her, hell I still do, but I understood this was what's best for me. I wouldn’t have been able to trust her again. You can't be in a relationship without trust or loyalty. I lost both from her. As she cries I look up and say “Lilly please, it's over. There's no saving this” she looks at me and says

“(my name” “no please just stop it's over Lilly” I interrupt. ‘Please just do us both a favor and take your things and leave Lilly. It's over please let's just end it here”. She doesn’t say anything and gets up and starts grabbing some of her things around their apartment. I grabbed a garbage bag and helped her pack. She left the keys to my apartment on the table and left.

This all finished up around 4:30 today I’ve just been sitting here trying to process what just happened. Honestly it all still doesn’t feel real. I never intended on posting on reddit yesterday, but I just needed a place to vent and since it blew up I felt like It I should update yall today.

It’s 7:35 as I finish writing this. I’m hurt. The weight of what just went dont over the last 24 hours doesn’t real. To anyone actually who actually read this long update thank you.

Some more relevant comments:

***"***I tried to be as transparent as possible and show both sides to the best of my ability. What y’all read was my raw emotion. Over the last month I’ve picked up journaling on my self improvement journey.

It’s really helps understand your own thoughts. Last night I decided to post to this sub instead of my notes app. I appreciate the kind words you all have given me. I’m going to continue to work on myself and push forward."

Your ages?

"my ex and I are both 22"

You know Lilly best- do you think she cheated?

"I avoided talking about this and as many are criticizing in the comments I didn’t ask questions. I don’t know what they talked about, I don’t know where she went that night I’m left with my own imagination on that. The fact of the matter it doesn’t matter if they engaged in sexual activities or not.

It wouldn’t have Changed the outcome. My frustrations were never about that. It was the lack of respect she displayed towards me. I don’t know if she physically cheating and honestly i don’t care. Multiple dealbreakers were broken with the information I do have."

Sources: Reddit
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