'My GF called me a momma's boy for moving back home to take care of her after her accident.' UPDATED

"My girlfriend called me a momma's boy for moving back home to take care of her after her accident."

I lived with my Mom for most my life. I moved out a few years back but have always stuck by her. I have a good relationship with her.

She had an accident a few days ago that left her paralyzed for the next few months and now I'm moving back home to take care of her.

My girlfriend called me a momma's boy for doing this. The accident ruined our plans to move in together. But, it is what it is. I have to help her around the clock since she's immobile. My older sister can not. She has kids and can't take off. My g/f says I should hire a personal assistant and not spend my life catering to her. I have my own life and shouldn't live it for her.

My girlfriend has always complained I spend too much time with my mom. She doesn't understand family is everything. She thinks I should be distant to them. She never hangs out with them. She loves them to death but, they're not her friends. She thinks it's baffling a man would be so attached to his mom. It's emasculating and makes her seriously turned off.

In my defense, she needs care and even when she gets better...I want to take care of her. She's alone in that house. She took care of me all my life and now it's time to repay her. I feel hurt and betrayed my girlfriend would call me that. I can't see this relation lasting. Is she right that I shouldn't be spending so much time with my family? Should I have not decided to help?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

ATGF wrote:

There are things that need untangling. First of all, I think it's great that you're helping your mom. Please do be aware of carer burnout and consider hiring part time help, if possible.

Secondly, how much time did you spend with your mom/talking to your mom on the phone before the accident? Reading between the lines, it seems entirely possible that you are a momma's boy and your girlfriend has reached her limit. You breaking your plans to move in was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Does that give her a right to call you names and act cruelly toward her? Absolutely not. It seems you are not well suited to each other long term. She needs someone more independent of their family (which is valid) and you need someone who values family as much as you do (also valid). Wishing your mom a speedy recovery. I'm sure she's in good hands.

ThrowRASickMomCare OP responded:

What's legit about her concerns? I should let her live in squalor? Someone has to help her and I'm close by. Why shouldn't it be me? My girlfriend believes a family shouldn't be close. I completely disagree. She has no valid concerns. A family is the most important thing in the world to me.

Having a close relation with my mom and sister is everything. My sister can't drop what she's doing and help. She has young kids and her husband can not take off work. It's not doable.

sillyfilly78 wrote:

From reading your description, it looks like you and your gf do not have the same value on family. Some people prefer to be independent when it comes to family, like hiring a professional. Some people like to be very close and think that their family is everything. I think people have the right to have their on view on this matter, but of course, when it does not match between a couple, then it will be an issue.

I agree with you that the way she expressed her value by belittling yours was wrong. If I were you I would definitely take care of my mom too. Perhaps you should talk about it with your GF. Aside from different values, she might have a legit concern that can be discussed (if she is willing to have a mature discussion).

You guys were talking about moving in together, so at least one of you (if not both) is thinking about bringing the relationship towards a more serious one, notably, a family.

Also, while I personally believe taking care of a sick parent is important, your partner has the right to decide whether she wants to carry this burden with you in her life or not. Because let's face it, taking care of a sick elderly takes a lot of time. Between that, your job, her, and your relationship, it won't be easy for you, and consequently, nor for her.

ThrowRASickMomCare OP responded:

Wtf. That's some straight up horsecrap. A relation has to step back because, I have to care for my mom? Yes I'm such a bad person. Anytime a relation isnt picture perfect it's time to bail. Life happens. I hate this modern day way of thinking. My ex dumped me the second I lost my job.

She stated I wasn't going forward if i lost my job and didn't want to wait for me to get back on my feet. It's so petty. Everything in a relation has to be absolutely perfect or the relation is over. Any snags are met with instant break up. The way she's framing it is I'm regressing and being a mommy's boy for putting her health over our relation. As if our relation should be the only thing in life I consider.

I'm sorry I cant devote every waking moment to our relation. But, I gotta focus on helping my mom recover. If that makes me pathetic. F off. She's getting older. I want to keep close to her to help if need be. You're implying that makes me bad.

Sorry, not sorry but, family is more important. Yes, my mom is more important. F off if you disagree. I can't afford round the clock care. Sorry, I'm not rich enough. My sister is struggling too. I'm the one that has to help. I live close by.

Blade_982 wrote:

There are plenty of people all over the world who maintain healthy relationships with their family and you're one of them. Don't let your girlfriend make you feel bad about that. Right now your mum needs help and it makes sense that you're there for her.

I would expect a supportive partner to understand that such intense care is a temporary measure.

She seems intimidated by any time you spend with your mum which is just odd. You don't seem very compatible. I'm so sorry you had to watch your mum suffer.

WarMage wrote:

Keep your priorities straight, you said you have a good relationship with your mom, there’s no need to sabotage that by ignoring her because your girlfriend thinks you’re soft. It’s not bad to love your parents.

lilbloodpeach wrote:

You two have a very differing values & perspectives when it comes to family. And that’s OK. It sounds like you two might not be compatible in this area, and it’s probably going to be an irreconcilable issue because you have very strong oppositional feelings. It’s OK if this is a dealbreaker.

SlowTheRain wrote:

I'm going to address two separate issues I see. The first is whether or not you should help your mom after her accident & your gf insulting you for wanting to. Your gf is wrong there. While I've told a few people to get out of a relationship because their partner puts their mom first, that doesn't apply to when your mom has a genuine, significant need and your gf is just inconvenienced.

It's probably frustrating for your gf to have to put the plans to move in together on hold, but it's selfish that she can't put that aside and have empathy & understanding for your mother. The second issue is your gf's claim that you spend too much time with your mother.

You don't give enough context here for me to know whether your gf was unreasonable before you mom's accident or if you have one of those relationships where I would tell her to find someone who puts her 1st.

How much time do you spend with your mom? Have you ditched your gf to hang out with your family? When your gf does visit your family with you, do you include her or go have fun with them while she's on her own?

Do you regularly choose your mom over you gf? Do you ever let your mom criticize or insult your gf? I could see how a person whose partner has a habit of putting their mom's needs & opinions first might lash out in this situation. (Not a healthy reaction, but also not a healthy relationship.) I would need more background to know if that's the case here.

OP came back with an update:

We broke up, and she ghosted me afterwards. She says its unreasonable to expect me to waste my life on her. She needs a on-site nurse. What am I gunna do sacrifice my life for her? What about our relation?

Clearly, I don't give a damn about it. I'm a grown man too attached to mommy. Don't I have some shame? Then she had to put out on Facebook our dirty laundry. She said I neglected our relation and would rather date my mom then her. It's just pathetic the way people are.

And yes I often put family before her. So what? I wasn't married to her. My family comes before freinds and girlfriend. Always. My sister can not help because, she has a family and is barely making it as it is. She still found the time to come help. I'm not a momma's boy for putting my family first. I put them before work too.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

huntokar_goddess wrote:

I saw your replies to other commentss on your original post, and frankly, you do not come off looking good.

Breaking up was the best possible outcome.

ThrowRASickMomCare OP responded:

I was overwhelmed with stress. It's been a hell of a time. I still am. But, many people flat out acted like I was a loser for caring about her.

[deleted] wrote:

OP, reading your comments makes me think that maybe your girlfriend dodged a bullet. It also makes me question whether or not that is how it actually went down. Your partner and children (if they are involved) should 100% come before your extended family.

I'm not saying drop your mother but if your mother needed extensive care to the point where you moved in, then maybe that is a job for an at home nurse. that way she can get the proper care needed. No one says you can’t be involved but there are nurses that can provide better care for your mother.

As for you admitting to putting your family first more than your girlfriend, does make you a momma’s boy. I dated a boy who constantly put his mom before me and it was toxic. To the point where he left me at the park with no ride while he went to go eat with his mother because she was calling and spamming him. And no, we were not in high school.

ThrowRASickMomCare OP responded:

Okay, then, I shouldn't help my mom? My girlfriend isn't my world. I considered it but, we weren't at that stage. I thought we would have if we moved in. She says I should not have any relation with her. I shouldn't put my Mom before her. I shouldn't be wasting my life caring for her. It's not my job to take care of my mom.

I get she was upset our plans derailed. Life happens. It wasn't forever just a few months till she's capable. What else was I supposed to do? Sorry, ma, not my problem. It sucks you're crippled for a few months but, my life comes before yours. Best wishes! So yes, my mom does take focus. Family to me always comes first.

If I married my g/f she'd come first just my sister's family comes first. I really don't understand how callous people are. Parents do their job and now you should cut off contact. It's amazing how wanting to care for your ailing mom makes you a loser.

tmchd wrote:

My husband would go above and beyond for his parents and having been married with him for a long time, I've seen this and I helped also as much as I can without neglecting our own family. As someone grown up in a family-oriented background, I totally understand that type of mindset.

But if you blatantly say things like, 'You just gotta accept my parents come first before you.' Oh man, that's pretty disastrous...and rude. Why do you even have to say that? I mean, I always help with in-laws and parents vice versa with my husband, but we never say to each other how our parents matter more than our partner.

We try our best to balance things out...it's pretty rude/mean to be saying to your partner (long time partner) that hey, you don't matter as much. Although holy heck, she aired out your laundry on FB. Yeaaaaah...that's pretty childish. Good that y'all aren't together anymore.

ThrowRASickMomCare OP responded:

I don't get it. She wanted me to cut off contact with her. Maybe visit and talk occasionally. My Mom being hurt ruined all our plans. I live close by and could care for her until she got better. So, please, do explain why that makes me a loser and a momma's boy.

Because, yes, my mom is more important. My ex has different views. She has no relation with her parents and genuinely believes I should not have a relation with my mom. She should just be a familiar person but, not someone I talk to or hang out with.

She's the type that would throw her parents in a retirement home and forget all about them.

And yes, she's gotten upset with me hanging out at my sisters. You're right. screw her. I should have told my mom to screw right off.

cyberpest wrote:

I don’t think people who put family first or people who don’t and desire to be prioritized in their relationships are right or wrong, just incompatible.

She didn’t behave very well in her reaction to being disappointed and hurt (that’s just her personality it seems) but going forward you should absolutely communicate clearly how you prioritize your family (mom) above all else to TRY** to prevent this sort of misunderstanding again.

People who consider this a red flag or not something they will tolerate long term will be weeded out before they are invested. It’s 100% a matter of preference and opinion.

** There is no guarantee this will prevent someone from being disappointed in you for it but at least you were honest and lived by your own truth.