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'My GF of 6 months has changed her behavior recently and I want to leave.' MAJOR UPDATE

'My GF of 6 months has changed her behavior recently and I want to leave.' MAJOR UPDATE


In general, if you get that gut feeling that it's "time to go" -- then it means it's time to go.

In a popular post on the Relationships subreddit, a man shared how a recent shift in his girlfriend made him want to leave. He wrote:

"My (30M) GF (32F) of 6 months has changed her behaviour recently and I want to leave."

So I met her earlier this year, we were fast friends within a month of meeting and dating after a month, official for 6 months or so. Met her on a night out with some friends. We live separately but she spends a lot of time at my house as it's nearer to where she works. Our relationship started really nicely, I felt like we just got on really well and she was very supportive of me as well.

But recently she's been quite pushy about me making changes to my lifestyle and seems angry and disappointed with the results. The two big ones are my work and what I wear. As for my work, I work at the same store I've worked at since I was 16, it's just an easy job, pays my bills and I know how to do everything there.

I'm basically a manager without the responsibility of actually being a manager as I don't want that level of responsibility for no extra pay. I also make money via stocks and crypto currencies so I don't struggle for money. As for what I like to wear? I have many jumpers and T shirts of an emo band my friends and I loved when we were young.

I genuinely have like 50 or so that I wear a lot because it makes me happy, and doesn't hurt anyone either. I admit I have a bit of a problem with anxiety, familiarity helps me with it, some family thinks I might have OCD but I've never been diagnosed. My girlfriend a few weeks ago expressed frustration with my clothes, saying I need to grow up and get new ones.

She spends a lot of money to get whatever clothes are in fashion, I don't have a problem with that as it's her money to spend and she isn't hurting anyone. But I don't know why she has a problem with my clothes. The argument was big but resolved and we went shopping and bought me some new clothes, they are actually quite nice and I like wearing them too.

A few days later I was wearing a band T shirt again because the new clothes were in the wash and she was really angry about it. I explained the new clothes were in the wash and it wasn't decided that I'd completely stop wearing the band stuff. She wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day, the next day she had cooled off and explained that she thinks new clothes will help me grow as a person.

We talked a long time and I eventually agreed to get rid of the band clothes. While I was packing them up I started crying and she called me stupid and I asked her to leave. She came back a few hours later and we made up, I packed the boxes into my car and told her I was gonna donate them, she was really pleased and said I was making the right choice getting rid of them.

I didn't donate them, I took them to work and I'm keeping them there until further notice, my boss was confused but understanding. I got back home and she'd ordered my lots of new clothes. She told me she understands it was upsetting but I'd be better off for it. That night a few hours later she wanted to talk about my work and why I'm not a manager. I explained to her that I don't want to be.

She's been distant and only talks about how I should ask to be a manager, I've explained why I don't want to be, and that I wouldn't even be paid more, nor is there a need for it at the store. She just keeps saying that I need to fight for a pay raise as well so I can treat us to nice things.

I told her that isn't how it works and that I make money in other ways and that she has her own money too so it shouldn't matter. She shouted at me that I'm useless and stormed out. My boss also told me she called the store and asked him why I'm not a manager. After being upset and feeling useless for a few hours I decided that I don't want to be with her.

I realized I don't see my friends as much as I used to because she likes to spend all our free time just us. I just don't feel happy with her anymore and feel like she actually acted differently when we started out just to get close to me, she even said she loved all the band stuff when I first showed her.

I think she may be right that new clothes might help me a bit, I genuinely appreciate that and like how I look in some of the clothes we bought. But I also liked how I looked in the band stuff, and still think it wasn't over the top, I'd normally just wear jeans and a T shirt or jumper anyway, I don't think it's as ridiculous as she said it was. I just thought of it as a wearable collection, people collect weirder things.

As well as this, I really don't like that I lied to her about donating the band stuff, it felt horrible and dishonest, my boss and colleagues could tell something was off when I took the boxes into work. I try to be honest as I don't want to upset people.

**TLDR** my gf of 6 months has become controlling and angry at me and made me get rid of some clothes that are special to me, is also trying to get me to become a manager at my work, even called my boss to ask about it. I've decided I want to leave her but I'm scared to because she can be manipulative and angry.

Anyway, I want to break up with her but I know it's gonna be difficult, she's good at talking me into stuff but my mind is made up 100% on this. I'm still not sure when or how to do it though, I'm feeling really anxious about it. Wondering if you guys can give me some advice or help? How can I be assertive about wanting to break up and not have her talk me out of it?

The internet fully had OP's back.

sindyisdatchu wrote:

Do it. She seems controlling. Like why ask someone to do these things 6 months after dating. These are red flags. Let her go. Go back to work and get your shit back

OP responded:

I do actually want to tell her about the clothes, partly so I can get them properly back, and partly that it might help make the breakup happen. Especially now with these outside opinions!

painted_apocalypse wrote:

Take ownership of your agency. You do not need her to end the relationship for you. If you want out, tell her you're out. It's that simple. You're a strong person. Do what you want.

marinerrrr wrote:

I think your response to all of this was completely reasonable. You opened yourself up to her suggestions and to trying new things, and you kept your boundaries about not wanting to enter a management position at your store. I think you have a healthy view point on yourself, your life, and what makes you happy. The fact that she called your work to complain without telling you is a major red flag.

When you end things, I would just suggest that you stay focused on the fact that you were willing to change and try new things, while she was hard line and disrespectful of your choices. Someone who really cares about you would behave more like you did- seeking compromise.

It is going to be uncomfortable, but you can do it! If she becomes angry, ask her to leave or leave the situation yourself, but don’t waver on the fact that the relationship is over. I would strongly suggest going no-contact after the break up, so that she cannot manipulate you out of your decision.

OP responded:

Thanks for your advice and your compliments I really appreciate both. I know she's had several red flags and I am decided that I want to break up with her, I'm more worried about what she'll say or do to people around us and if/how I can stop that. No-contact is seeming likely, I miss making my own choices about stuff and seeing my friends.

RedDress999 wrote:

Yes, I think you are right to break up with her. She crossed all sorts of lines, IMO. It’s fine that she made some suggestions on clothing, and even that she expressed that she preferred that while in public. But asking you to get rid of them all together?! Or to not wear it while lounging around the house, or at the gym or doing yard work type of thing?! That’s crossing the line into controlling.

It’s ok for her to ask about your position at work. But calling your boss?!? That’s a MAJOR line she crossed there. That’s completely unacceptable. She was treating you like a child. That’s highly disrespectful. It takes two people to decide to be in a relationship. It takes one to decide to break up.

When you go to have the conversation - just remember that you aren’t asking for her permission or for her to agree - you are simply informing her of your decision.

Personally, I’m not a fan of the “in public” advise unless you feel she may be vi*lent. Just get together with her when you can, inform her of your decision, give her a few minutes (maybe 10 or 20) to ask questions as needed and then cut it off. The whole conversation need not last more than 20 minutes…

GreenBrain wrote:

Jumping off your comment, the next step for OP is as simple as “my boss told me you phoned the store to ask why I’m not a manager, you crossed the line and we are done”.

Her personality comes across as very controlling, as you said the opinions she has aren’t necessarily wrong, but her inability to accept a response she doesn’t agree with and her escalation are all hints that she won’t accept any future opinions from OP. I’d hazard a guess that she wants someone she can b*lly in a relationship.

A week later, OP shared an update.

Some things I want to address first:

I work at the same place I have done for years because of my anxiety, I know how to do everything at my job and it helps me feel grounded and not worry.

When I said I'm basically a manager, I mean that I do sometimes fill in shifts and responsibilities for them, and we have talked about me officially being manager before, but it's not what I want. I don't want to take my work home with me and never be able to switch off. That said, I do want to have some more ambition in my life going forward, and I am going to be looking at other ventures.

My clothes: My band clothes are now back at my house, I still have the new clothes we bought as I paid for a lot of them and I plan to continue wearing them too. I can see what she meant by wanting me to wear new clothes, I just didn't like her end goal or the way she went about it.

For the people thinking I dress like those goth people dancing under a bridge, I don't. It's usually just a band tee/jumper with some normal jeans, I'm not a teenager, just a 30yo who still loves the same band haha. (No hate to those dancing goths, I love that meme)

OK so on to the main story. I took advice from some of the responses to the OP, we live separately so there wasn't any issues with leases, but I did change my lock as I had given her a key a few months ago. As for the breakup, it didn't go well, but it did go at least. I was at home thinking of how to do it, which cafe/restaurant I was gonna do it in etc.

She finished work and came to mine without any prior discussion, not out of the ordinary to be fair. Anyway she could tell something was off, and because I'd been thinking about it all for hours I was 150% sure I wanted to do it so just did it here instead. I first told her that I had lied about donating my clothes and that I'd actually taken them to work instead.

She was angry and calling me a liar and everything. I apologized for it, and tried to explain that I felt a lot of unfair pressure to get rid of them when I didn't really want to and my collection wasn't hurting anyone. I don't really feel that the argument was fair, and I feel that her actions made me lie to her, but I hate saying stuff like that so I just left it and moved on.

I then told her I was really annoyed about her calling my boss, she said she was sorry but I should be a manager, I said that's OK and she looked confused but accepted it I guess. Then I just said I didn't wat to be with her anymore because she actually had given me a second to speak. She looked shocked and asked me what I meant.

I just said I didn't want to be with her anymore, and that I wanted her to leave and would be changing my locks but was open to calling to messaging about picking up her stuff. She said stuff like we don't have to break up but I kept saying my mind is made up and technically we already had, she called me pathetic as she walked out the door and slammed it behind her.

This was the other day, I haven't heard from her but I sent her a message about picking up her stuff, there isn't much of it here so maybe she doesn't want to? Anyway, since then, I called my boss to explain that situation and be wary of any contact from her, we've worked together for years and we're good friends so he was very understanding and said if I need help in anyway he'll try to provide it.

We go for drinks often with other colleagues so I'll explain it all to them there probably. As for me, like I said above, I do want to work on myself a bit, partly because of the things she said, but not for the same reasons, just for me to grow a bit in terms of work experience and fashion sense.

I'll be buying more 'smart causal' clothes to wear as well. I don't think I'll ever fully stop wearing the band clothes though hahahaha. I don't quite know what I want to do in terms of work, but I have the experience of team work and leadership from the store which I think is usable and transferable to other jobs too.

I'm feeling weird, but OK, it feels great to have acted decisively, I haven't felt sad yet, not happy either just relieved mostly. Some of her stuff is still here and it feels weird to see it knowing it'll never be that way again, I don't know how to describe that feeling.

Anyway I've spoken to friends about it and will be seeing them soon. Idk what she's been up to or what she'll do, not sure if I want to, there's nothing left for me with her anyway. Just wanted to thank everyone for their kind words in the OP, it felt really good to know I wasn't being treated fairly and I wasn't just being stupid like she said.

Some even messaged me with similar stuff or how much they liked their partners with similar habits to my band clothes which was really nice. One of the reasons I still wear the band tees is sometimes other fans spot them and we'll have a nice conversation about it and always end the conversation smiling haha, it's just nice.

TL;DR GF came to my house and it took an hour or so but I broke up with her and she left. Locks have been changed and clothes returned, thins are weird but definitely better. I'll be working on myself but doing it purely for me not for her or anyone else. Thanks again for kind words and advice everyone, hope you enjoyed the story.

People were happy to hear an update.

ughneedausername wrote:

Not everyone wants to move up in their career. That’s ok. If you can make what you need, then that’s fine. Not everyone is cut out to be a manager. Do what you want. I’m glad you’re rid of your girlfriend. She was toxic and so negative. She wanted to change you to her vision of what you should be, not what you actually want. ETA: thanks for the awards!!!

Pormal_Nerson wrote:

Seriously. There is a huge cultural pressure for people to be ambitious so that they “succeed” but…it so often leads people down paths of debt, stress, and unhealthy work/life balance. What if you want to succeed at noticing nature—the clouds, the trees, the birds, the sunsets? Feeling the breeze on your cheeks?

Noticing the subtleties of the music you hear and the way it echoes in your soul? What if you want to be successful in being content and allowing yourself to be enough—for your life to be enough? That is a beautiful way to live a life, provided you have the basics covered and are comfortable with your level of disposable income. By all means, if you want another job, go for it.

But you may want avoid making any major life changes for a few months until you shake off the last of that “less-than” feeling your ex tried so hard to instill in you, lest you are inadvertently making big changes to prove her—or at least the imaginary version of her that lives in your head—wrong. Bravo for being open to growing, and bravo for putting yourself first. Wishing you the best of luck in all realms of life!

sneep_snopped wrote:

Good for you. Keep wearing those band shirts and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Consider going to counseling if you're after personal growth. You need it after a girlfriend stepping on your boundaries like that. As someone with OCD, I encourage you to get tested. You mentioned that you think you might have it. Being diagnosed changed my life for the better.

tidus1980 wrote:

You shouldn't have to change for anyone. Unless the changes are genuinely for your own good (not what someone else THINKS is good for you) and actually accrpted. She b*llied, belittled and tried to contol you. She tried to stop you being you. Some people take partners as more of a project. It's a bad trait. I'm very happy with how things worked out for you.

It sounds like OP did exactly what he needed to do in the end.

Sources: Reddit
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