'My GF keeps spreadsheets rating her intimate relationships. I saw it on her laptop.' MAJOR UPDATE
When you stumble on something your partner wrote in private, is it better to say something or pretend you didn't see it?
"My [25M] girlfriend [26F] of 1.5 years keeps spreadsheets rating her bedroom life and relationships. Found them while working on her computer. Don't know if I should tell her/ask to see the previous guys' ratings."
My gf and I have been together for about a year and a half. She is amazing, intelligent, and caring. We don't live together, but we're considering moving in together in January when her lease is up. We pretty much spend all of our nights together though. Anyway, I spent the night at her place last night, and ended up using her computer for work.
This morning I needed to email the document I'd been working on last night to myself at work. I couldn't remember where I'd saved it, so I just searched the computer for any files with my name. Two pop up: one is the document I was working on before, and the other is an excel spreadsheet titled "S#x and Relationships."
So...I opened it. From what I could tell, she has been keeping this spreadsheet since her first relationship (9 years). She has a tab for each hookup partner/relationship, where she notes the dates of hooking up, rates the bedroom time, notes what physical acts, and rates the relationship (not entirely sure what that means either).
It was open on my tab, since I'm the most recent, so I read all of her hookup/relationship ratings...and they start out pretty high (I think...don't know the scale), but have been getting lower over the past two months. It basically took all of my willpower, but I didn't look at the other guys' tabs.
Thinking about seeing the other guys' physical column and the ratings just makes me sick to my stomach. So I just closed the spreadsheet, emailed myself my work document, and went to work. I've just been stewing since then, though, and becoming more and more insecure about the ratings.
I'm so tempted to read the other guys' ratings, but I know that would be wrong as well as self-torture really. I already feel kind of bad for reading even my tab, but at the same time, I'm kind of offended by the fact that she RATES our relationship, like it's just a performance eval at work or something.
I don't know. Obviously something is wrong with our intimate life, so I need to talk to her about that, but there haven't been any signs of that from my perspective, so she's probably going to realize I saw the spreadsheet if I randomly bring it up.
So what do I do? Do I tell her what I saw? Am I overreacting by being a little angry about her rating me and our relationship? Also, isn't keeping track of your bedroom life to this extent kind of odd? I haven't seen her since I found the spreadsheet. She had already left for work when I saw it.
TL;DR: GF rates all her relationships/sex partners. My ratings are getting lower. I don't know how to approach this with my gf, and I'm a little offended by even the concept of rating our relationship/me.
I also keep thinking about the previous guys' ratings and getting insecure.
Edit: the document I emailed myself was my work file. Not her spreadsheet. I worded it weird.
People had a lot of comments and questions to add.
RememberKoomValley wrote:
What, all the times you have sex? I mean, I've certainly made lists of past experiences when looking for patterns ("Am I dating the same kind of AH again?") but not with a current relationship. That's pretty weird. Is she a generally mathematical sort of person?
Good for you, not looking at the other tabs. Don't. No good will come of it. When is the last time the two of you sat down and had a discussion about how things are going? Do you do that with any regularity?
OP responded:
Yeah, as far as i can tell, every time we've slept together. Also, she very much is a mathematical person. She has a hard time opening up with emotions sometimes, but usually if I initiate a conversation about how she's feeling about something, she opens up.
Last time we had a serious discussion was when we talked about moving in together. That was maybe a month or so ago? Definitely within the timeframe of when the hookup ratings were already dropping, so idk what's up. Why would you want to move in with someone when you feel your bedroom life is not only poor, but getting worse? That makes no sense to me.
Edit: I meant "poor" in relation to how she felt in the beginning of our relationship, since the ratings were getting lower for something like a month before our conversation about moving in together.
spreadsheets4life wrote:
Whoops! You replied at the exact second I decided to put this on a throwaway instead, in case my boyfriend finds my username ;) I'll just quote my old reply below I guess just in case.
Anyway, I think the ratings are a bit cold too but I can see how they might not feel cold to her. After all, she doesn't expect anyone else to read them, so to her they're just a kind of shorthand for all the complex thoughts she has about it but doesn't feel like writing down.
My previous reply:
For a second I was scared my boyfriend had found my spreadsheet. Except I don't do the ratings...that just seems cold.
Also, difficult to quantify or keep consistent standards for. I do keep a color-coded spreadsheet of everyone I have ever slept with, the dates of when we hooked up, and sometimes notes on the experience, such as any factors that might have led to it being especially good one time.
I also keep spreadsheets of: everything I eat on days when I take my adderall and when in the day I eat it; how many hours per day I program (color-coded by project), and how long it takes me to complete any one chunk of my project.
How many social interactions I have per day and who I have them with (with automated script to send emails out to schedule meals if I've gone too long without seeing any one of a specific list of close friends); how many mL of water I drink over the course of the day and when I drink it.
I am just the kind of personality that likes data, if that makes any sense. (I also f-ing love doing my taxes.) It's the same kind of impulse that drives some people to journal every day, I just find it inefficient to write things down in sentences most of the time.
Maybe your girlfriend is the same way, and the fact that she's keeping the s**cel spreadsheet doesn't mean anything other than that she's perhaps a bit odd and thinks it's funny or interesting. It doesn't seem like she is sharing the spreadsheet with anyone, which would be a real issue.
What would you do if instead of a spreadsheet a microsoft word document containing her diary had popped up instead with diary entries about her thoughts on your intimate life and relationship trajectory? Would you still feel offended that she is journaling her thoughts and feelings in a private place?
Personally, I think I would respect her privacy and not read the rest of the spreadsheet and maybe not even tell her that you saw it in the first place (she may get angry and embarrassed). I would try to have a general conversation with her about whether there is anything she wants to try in bed to make your bedroom life even better, etc.
FroggyMcNasty wrote:
Look on the bright side, you are the most recent.
the-friendzoner wrote:
"and they start out pretty high (I think...don't know the scale), but have been getting lower over the past 2 months."
Sooo, you don't know the scale, and you don't know what she's rating you on. Or if she's rating you at all. She could be rating anything.
Like, how many times she has org*smed? Your girlfriend sounds very similar to me though. I haven't kept a spreadsheet of partners, but I have kept on going lists. Don't know why I didn't think of a spreadsheet. That's pretty ingenious.
Anyway, I think a lot of couples should be having on-going talks about their relationship. Check in with this person and ask them how they feel, continuous dialogue. I think you should just open up the dialogue and just ask: "Hey, soooo, how do you feel our relationship is going lately?"
Three days later, OP shared an update.
I thought I should update you guys. Thanks for all the advice. I decided to tell her about my snooping, despite the general consensus being that that would be foolish. My reasons for it were:
I felt bad about snooping.
2. I’m terrible at keeping things from people. It probably would’ve come out eventually, so I felt it was best to do it ASAP and in a planned/controlled manner.
3. I still didn’t feel comfortable about the ratings and wanted to understand why she does it and what it means to her. I love her, so I want to understand how her brain works.
4. I wanted to address the sexual issues in a straightforward manner. I know everyone was recommending I just do this organically, but we did a lot of that in the first few months of our relationship.
I felt it would come off as odd if I suddenly started asking if she was okay/enjoying the stuff she’s been telling me she prefers for 1.5 years, and she would definitely ask me why I was concerned. Didn’t want to have to lie.
Here’s how it went: I didn’t end up talking to her Friday night because she was busy (exercise class with a friend). It ended up being a good thing, because I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. And like I said, I have a hard time hiding things, so she definitely would’ve known something was up.
I just ruminated on the whole thing night Friday and finally decided I’d tell her. So last night, I told her the whole story, and she knew where it was going pretty much, because she started covering her face when I said I searched for my name. When I explained that I only looked at my tab, though, she was really relieved.
I apologized for even opening it in the first place, but she wasn’t really upset about that. She said that she understood the compulsion once I saw the title, she felt it was different from someone who goes out of their way to purposely snoop on their SO, and the fact that I told her instead of hiding it really helped.
She said she was relieved I didn’t look at the other tabs, because that would’ve been a much bigger violation of privacy (and not just her privacy, but also the guys’ privacy) and definitely would’ve been an act of jealousy/insecurity rather than curiosity.
The whole time she was explaining this, I was just thinking THANK GOD I DIDN’T OPEN THOSE OTHER TABS. Seriously, I am so f-ing happy I did not look at those tabs.
Cannot stress this enough. I almost f-ed up my relationship a lot. Anyway, as for the whole question of why she keeps track and what the ratings mean, u/spreadsheets4life was spot on. She just really likes keeping track of her own personal data.
She has spreadsheets for her health (recording her weight, how energetic she feels, allergy symptoms, so on…) and even some completely silly ones like keeping track of how long her hair is. I told her I was worried since I saw the ratings were decreasing and I wanted to know what I should do differently. She said the ratings were about her personal enjoyment, not my performance.
Apparently, she’s gained a bit of weight over the past couple months, and she felt her own self-image was keeping her from enjoying being intimate as much. That’s why she joined a gym and decided to go to the exercise class this week. I was totally flabbergasted by this, because I honestly have not noticed the weight gain.
I told her that, and she was basically like, you’re sweet but completely oblivious sometimes. I made sure to let her know that I think she’s gorgeous and s*xy and has no reason to feel badly about her body. She said that’s all fine and good, but this was more about her internal validation than external validation.
She said this has happened before in previous relationships, and because of the spreadsheets, she was able to figure out the problem and fix it. I said I understood, but I’d really like it if she told me that she wasn’t enjoying the bedroom as much, so I could help her. She said she hadn’t thought to tell me, because she was already taking steps to fix it.
I asked her to please just tell me anyway. It’s not fun to sleep together if the other person isn’t having fun too. I’m actually going to start making healthier foods for the two of us, since I suspect the weight gain is probably partially my fault since I love to cook and am always making comfort foods.
All in all, it went way better than I could have ever expected! She doesn’t think I’m a horrible sex partner, and I now know how I can help our intimate life. She was a little concerned about me finding out about her spreadsheets though.
Apparently a previous bf found out and freaked out and told her she was too cold and robotic. I said that now that I understand why she does it, I realize it’s not that unlike a diary (thank you to the people who made this comparison in the original thread! It really helped me). She was very happy to hear that.
TL;DR I told her. She wasn’t too upset about the snooping, she explained the ratings were more about her than about me, and we’re going to work on being healthier together so her self-image can be back where it was before.
The internet was impressed by OP and his girlfriend, most notably, their honesty.
TheMaidenDragon wrote:
"She said that’s all fine and good, but this was more about her internal validation than external validation."
Just wanted to say I am super impressed by how clear cut she's being.
Maybe keeping spreadsheets is a little weird, but it just sounds like a way to be express a super-analytical part of herself, which to me reads like a great advantage. She seems to completely understand why she doesn't feel good about X, and then take constructive steps to solve the problem. No depression, no moping, no blaming, no confusion, no lashing out.
Sorry I'm just a huge advocate for understanding yourself 100% so it made me kind of giddy to read this post. :P Honestly I think she sounds pretty amazing. Maybe I'll start making spreadsheets now, hah.
RememberKoomValley wrote:
I'm glad to hear you're both acting like real adults! Your girlfriend sounds kind of sweet, honestly (and so do you!). I hope that everything goes pretty smoothly from here on out. :)
immatureboy wrote:
"It was a busy weekend, and my gf had some data she needed help gathering"
I see what you did there....
rationalomega wrote:
Excel allows for password protection of given sheets. She can set them to be invisible. I work in consulting and our clients often do this. It can be broken if you open it in Numbers or Open Office but it'll discourage the casual observer. Alternately it is not difficult to encrypt a directory.