'My GF kissed another woman after past boundary issues. How do I rebuild trust and self-respect?'

"My [32/M] girlfriend [28/F] kissed another woman after past boundary issues – how do I rebuild trust and self-respect?"

Hi everyone,

I'm posting because I'm genuinely torn and could really use some outside perspective. This is long, but I'll try to be as fair and honest as possible.

My girlfriend (28F) and I (32M) have been together for about 9 months and have known each other for around 3 years. Two days ago, we went out clubbing, and for the second time in our relationship, something happened that crossed a boundary for me in a way that has deeply shaken my sense of self-worth and security.

My girlfriend is incredibly warm and touchy in how she connects with people, especially when partying. That's part of who she is. It's what I like about her. She's also very beautiful. She gets approached what feels like countless times a night, by both men and women.

I also know that in her previous relationship, she opened it so she could explore intimacy with women. I was around back then and personally witnessed her making out with other women. I don't judge her for that, and I truly want to leave the past in the past – but given what's happening now, those memories are resurfacing and making things harder for me.

That night at the club, she was approached constantly, as usual. She does stay close to me and tells people that I'm her boyfriend, so this alone doesn't bother me too much. But as the night went on and sobriety faded, she spent a long time talking very closely and physically with another woman. It felt different. I was standing nearby and already felt uncomfortable – like boundaries were being pushed.

This is the second time something like this has happened. The first time was about two months ago, and it caused a major bump in our relationship that took a long time to work through. This time, the woman my girlfriend was talking to eventually came up to me and asked if it would be okay for her to kiss my girlfriend – nothing big, just a little kiss.

Both of them were standing in front of me. Apparently, she had already asked my girlfriend first. My girlfriend told me later that she replied with something like 'not really', but didn't clearly say no. She also said that I probably wouldn't be okay with it either.

The other woman then said she'd just ask me directly – and my girlfriend didn't stop her or clearly shut it down. That moment hurt so, so much. It felt like my girlfriend avoided taking responsibility for her own boundary and instead put me in the position of being the one who had to say no, publicly, while she stayed ambiguous.

Like, does she actually want me to say yes? What's her motivation here? Either you say yes or no, and if you don't say no, well, it doesn't seem that you answer is no. To me, all of that felt deeply disrespectful in a way that's hard to describe.

Here's the part that's difficult for me to admit: when I was asked, I said something like, 'I don't care, sure, whatever.'

I didn't say that because I was okay with it. I said it because I NEVER wanted to be in a relationship where I had to actively set or enforce boundaries in situations like this.

For me, that already feels wrong. Even being asked felt disrespectful – because from previous conversations with my girlfriend, it was very clear that I don't want her kissing other people, regardless of gender. My girlfriend actually checked again with me, if I was REALLY okay with it, and I went "yeah, whatever, go for it."

And then they had their "little kiss" for about two seconds. It wasn't sexual or intense, more like a friendly kiss. But I was standing right there. And honestly, I felt horrible. Small. Like I had abandoned myself in that moment. Afterwards, my girlfriend immediately asked me why I said yes. She said she actually didn't want to kiss that woman. I was honestly just confused and thought, 'What?'

Some more context that might matter:

My best friend (33F) was also there that night, and she was present during the previous incident two months ago as well.

I know my girlfriend feels insecure or a bit jealous toward her. I also know that when we're out together, I sometimes give my best friend more attention, simply because I see her far less often. My girlfriend has told me before that she wishes I would give her more attention when my best friend is with us. I understand that and take responsibility for it. I can see how this dynamic might have added tension that night.

Still, to me, that feels like a separate issue from crossing sexual or intimate boundaries with other people. What complicates everything is that I truly believe my girlfriend loves me. She is incredibly apologetic now, very understanding, and says she wants to work on this (but she also said those same things after the first incident).

Things are complicated on her side as well. In her past, she had a hard time saying no to people, craves validation from others, and has significant trauma from her youth where she was often pulled into things she didn't actually want, explicitly when it comes to s**ual relationships. I believe her when she tells me this, and I genuinely feel sorry for her. I don't think she's a bad person.

I think she's struggling. At the same time, it's very hard for me to carry her current behavior because of her trauma – in some ways, it makes things even worse. Knowing about her past and these patterns makes me feel even more insecure. I feel incredibly ashamed because of this, because I know that she is genuinely hurting. But that's the way it is. Now I'm scared.

I'm scared that she has some kind of unfulfilled desire for intimacy with women and that she's consciously or unconsciously testing my boundaries instead of addressing that openly. I'm scared because her words don't seem to match her actions – being very close with another person already happened once before, we talked about it, and now it happened again, this time with an actual kiss.

I don't know whether her jealousy towards my best friend can explain all of this. On the other hand, this has never happened without my best friend being there – so make of that what you will. On top of everything else, I've struggled with self-esteem issues my entire life.

My girlfriend receives constant validation. As I mentioned, she gets approached multiple times a night by women and men, and people regularly come up to me to tell me how beautiful and amazing she is. That used to make me feel proud and happy. Now, after these incidents, it's eating away at what's left of my already low self-worth.

It feels like it has activated my somewhat sleeping insecurites at 500%. Now I feel like shit. Everyone who struggles with these kind of intense self-esteem issues knows that it's a nightmare. I'm torn because I care about her deeply, and I've never felt this compatible or comfortable with someone before.

I want to give her a chance. But at the same time, it feels like this might be one of those rare moments in life where I actually CAN do something about my self-worth – where I could stand up for myself and say that I don't deserve to feel this way in a relationship. But I don't want to lose her. Not at all.

I know things aren't black and white. I know she's not a villain. But now there's this new fear and insecurity inside me that wasn't there before, and it's feeding directly into my already fragile self-worth. And it feels like I'm stuck in a pit I can't climb out of. At least I don't know how right this moment.

My question: How do I determine whether this situation can realistically be repaired, or whether this reflects a deeper incompatibility that will continue to harm botth of us? What would a healthy next step look like in my position? It's so hard to act maturely when you feel so low.

TL;DR: My girlfriend (28F) kissed another woman in front of me after we had already discussed that this crosses my boundaries. This is the second similar incident, and it's seriously affecting my trust and self-worth.

She's apologetic and says she wants to change, but I'm scared this is a deeper incompatibility. How do I figure out whether to work through this or walk away? How can I rebuild my trust and self-respect? Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

McKittenMan wrote:

Just break up. You're not a good fit for each-other. Simple as that. You two need to be with different people. Repeated lines have been crossed so no point in sticking around for a destructive issue that isn't going away.

OP responded:

I want to acknowledge that I did something that hurt her as well. Like I said in my post, she already told me quite some time ago she wishes I'd give her more attention when my best friend is around. She really seems to feel left out and alone in those moments. And honestly, I get where she's coming from.

My behavior wasn't nice back then, and it seems I made the same mistake again two days ago. I also didn't really listen or make an effort to change. Now I'm wondering: Are these two situations comparable? Is it fair to put all the blame on her? I'm genuinely not sure.

Ok-Complex5075 wrote:

You respect yourself by leaving someone who doesn't respect you and your relationship. At this point, it's that simple.

OP responded:

I want to acknowledge that I did something that hurt her as well. Like I said in my post, she already told me quite some time ago she wishes I'd give her more attention when my best friend is around. She really seems to feel left out and alone in those moments. And honestly, I get where she's coming from.

My behavior wasn't nice back then, and it seems I made the same mistake again two days ago. I also didn't really listen or make an effort to change. Now I'm wondering: Are these two situations comparable? Is it fair to put all the blame on her? I'm genuinely not sure.

JCMidwest wrote:

"The other woman then said she'd just ask me directly – and my girlfriend didn't stop her or clearly shut it down."

"That moment hurt so, so much. It felt like my girlfriend avoided taking responsibility for her own boundary and instead put me in the position of being the one who had to say no, publicly, while she stayed ambiguous."

You mean the moment someone who wasn't your girlfriend did something you didn't like? This other chick asked you after your girlfriend clearly shut her down. You don't want to believe your girlfriend shut her down, but if she didn't this girl wouldn't bother asking you. Seriously, you are mad at your girl for something someone else did, did you expect your girlfriend to leg sweep her so she couldn't ask you?

"Like, does she actually want me to say yes? What's her motivation here? To me, all of that felt deeply disrespectful in a way that's hard to describe."

Her motivation was the belief that your boundaries actually existed and you could help your girlfriend out by simply saying no.

Not really clearly means no in this situation, so not saying no using that word specifically doesn't mean yes.

"Here's the part that's difficult for me to admit: when I was asked, I said something like, 'I don't care, sure, whatever.'"

Sure certainly doesn't mean no, and clearly means yes

"Even being asked felt disrespectful."

You're right, the girl who isn't your girlfriend is being disrespectful.

"because from previous conversations with my girlfriend, it was very clear that I don't want her kissing other people, regardless of gender."

First off the disrespectful third party wasn't part of that conversation.

Few things erode trust and respect in relationships like inconsistencies, sending mixed messages is a great example of this.

"My girlfriend actually checked again with me, if I was REALLY okay with it, and I went 'yeah, whatever, go for it,'"

She gave you a chance to fix your mistake and another chance to help her out, and you doubled down on disrespecting yourself. Not her fault You and your girlfriend have issues saying no, but you are the one who dropped the ball entirely in this situation. Instead of being mad at the world learn from this on what you can do differently in the future.

OP responded:

"This other chick asked you after your girlfriend clearly shut her down."

No. This other chick asked me after I had just spent 40 minutes watching my girlfriend talk very intimately with her, which already made me uncomfortable.

It wasn't at all clear, until everything had already happened, that my girlfriend was apparently expecting me to say no and didn't actually want it. Nothing in the situation pointed to that. I know it's easy to say in hindsight that she came to me for help, and I do feel bad if I misread the situation. But it wasn't black and white.

If I had known she genuinely needed help, and if I had felt secure about what was going on, I wouldn't have had any issue saying no. But my own insecurity made me feel like: Oh, she must actually want this. "Well, go ahead then."

I know that this is bad, and figuring this shit out is what I'm trying to work on right now. Hell, I'm still not sure if that was really the case. We are going to talk tomorrow. And I actually asked her to really think about whether she was actually interested in kissing her.

probgonnamarrymydog wrote:

I think these other comments about breaking up are BS. I'm gonna call you out, why are you guys even at a club? Literally what you do at a club is drink and find strangers to get close to. You cannot reasonably go to a club for a night of drinking and then get sulky your girlfriend, who you know tends to get a little touchy feely when drunk, has people making passes at her.

I'm like your girlfriend. And I stay monogamous by not going out drinking and dancing. My partner knows this, and if we went out, he'd know what we were getting into. But I'm also 41. I was still going out dancing until probably about 35? And I dunno. Shenanigans happen when you go to places intended for shenanigans to happen.

If she was doing this at home on yalls down time when sober that would be one thing. But if you don't want her making out with girls at the club, stop going to clubs. It's wild out there, like I once had a girl just come up and start making out with me out of nowhere and drunk me didn't really know what to do with that.

But my ex liked that stuff, too, so it wasn't a problem. I like girls. I like to party. I've been with my current partner for almost 7 years now and I've never cheated on him or even come close. Context is important. Stop going to clubs. You're going to age out of that soon, anyway, so it's probably not a lifelong conflict.

OP responded:

I get what you're saying, and I sort of see your point. Still, I find it sad to think I'd have to restrict both of us from going to a club just because she seemingly couldn't handle it herself. I can go there just fine without doing anything bad. Sure, I'm not the center of attention like she is, but if she can't resist temptation for my sake, avoiding clubs wouldn't make me feel any better.