'My GF spent her family vacation getting close to a guy her grandmother set her up with.' UPDATED

"[21M] My girlfriend [20F] of 3 years spent her family vacation getting close to another guy her grandmother set her up with. End things or keep going if she doesn’t cut him off?"

My girlfriend and I have been together for about three years. We recently went on a vacation with my family for a few weeks. While we were there, her grandmother basically tried to set her up with her best friend's grandson who's fresh out of a relationship. At first my girlfriend said no, but her grandmother lectured her about it, so she agreed to meet him in group settings.

Then she had a one-on-one dinner with him.

She told me she was only doing it to keep her grandmother happy and that she felt she couldn't argue with her. She mentioned me to the guy and said he saw me on her Instagram, so he knows about me already.

Here's where it gets complicated: She asked if she could go to New Year's Eve fireworks with him (I said yes, but she ended up not going). But even after we left and came back home, she's still messaging him. He sends her good morning/good night texts, photos, suggestions to hang out when she goes back after graduation, and she responds but ignores the flirty stuff (we have each other's logins).

I said I was uncomfortable with the situation a few days earlier already. She said she'd respond "dryly" and drag out replies, and that she'd give it two weeks to see if his messaging slowed down, but then basically a few days after saying that, she asked for his number since "it's easier to text there."

On our flight home, she told me her family (mom and grandmother) think she should "explore" because she's young. She said she doesn't know if she'll even end up marrying me and admitted she tells her friends "no" when they ask if she'll marry me. But then she also said she loves me and doesn't want to explore and that he's ugly and she'll "never like him more than I like you."

At first she said she felt guilty about the situation, but now she's calling him "nice," "sweet," and a "gentleman," not like me, and saying it would be good to have a friend in her home country/city since she doesn't know anyone there other than family.

Some context: Family and family opinion is really important to her. She's planning to spend time in her home country after graduation before she starts her job while I'm staying in the U.S., which is why he keeps planning to go and see her then.

Also, my family paid for her flight and we're expecting her family to pay us back, not sure if that matters for what I should do next. I'm thinking about ending things depending on how our next conversation goes, but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or if there's a way to work through this.

We never really had a conversation on boundaries but I've always said I'd end things if cheating occurred. Even at the beginning of our relationship, she didn't like me having contact with other girls, so I've cut all contact with any other women since then. End things if she doesn't cut him off or keep going?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

LincolnHawkHauling wrote:

You’re 21 and she’s only 20. This headache for your relationship she created isn’t worth the stress. She’s right about one thing: you’re probably not going to marry her. Let her go back to her home country and break up with her so you can find a new girlfriend you can actually see on a regular basis. None of this LDR stuff.

Also: your family paid for her flight and she repays you by essentially going on dates with another dude and starting a new relationship with him?? Screw that. Make sure you get your money back before you dump her.

OP responded:

She’s just visiting her home country for the summer after she graduates before she starts her job here.

Kinky_Musician wrote:

Who goes out on dates in a 3 year relationship because grandma says so? What kind of toxic nonsense is grandma up to?

This is sketchy AF and I'd bet she's complaining about you to her family and they're trying to give her an exit. Sounds like you're being played.

OP responded:

Her family here in the states seems to like me though. I don’t really like the grandma, I’ve just met her as well on the trip since she’s over there. Things seem fine she’s still messaging like normal and everything but I think she was just pressured into going to dinner no?

newrider2020 wrote:

It’s super weird. And is crossing your boundaries and making you uncomfortable. I would probably end this at some point. You’re also very young and will meet people that are right for in the future.

OP responded:

Thank you I appreciate your response. Any idea how I should deal with the money problem? Or am I at a loss here.

Used-Tangerine_117 wrote:

“Grandma” isn’t your problem. Your GF going on dinner dates and asking about going on a date to watch fireworks and continue to message another guy is your problem.

She wants to see this guy (or whoever) and is hiding behind “Grandma."

SadProperty1352 wrote:

Grandma condones and teaches cheating. It was probably taught to your gf's mother as well. You should tell her you are breaking up due to her family's poor morals. Tell her considering her grandmother's beliefs that your GF doesn't even know if her grandfather or her father are biologically related to her.

That since she has already started cheating it is apparent she will go after other guys while in committed relationships even ones she states are ugly.

A few days later, OP shared an update.

Hi guys, I wasn’t expecting so many of you to comment, and wasn’t expecting such an overwhelming response to ending things, but I got a lot of clarity (and dislike toward some of you weirdos) after being able to talk with her later that day. Maybe I’m dumb or something but you guys were right in saying to end things.

We talked about how our future goals weren’t lined up and that it would be best to end things as they are now. I talked about my concerns with the guy and even though she’s gonna continue to stay in contact with him, that’s not my problem anymore.

She says she wants to stay friends and the like but apparently that’s normally not recommended. I really appreciated the time we had together, and still have all of our photos and whatnot that I’ll export sometime. I’m doing a final meetup with her to hand some stuff over, and talk about going no contact and other concerns.

Still thinking about her all day but I haven’t been hit with the same intense sadness I’d had that night we broke things off. Any tips to navigating this post-relationship life? Thinking about focusing on myself for a little while. Also haven’t told my family or anything yet, so that time will come. Thanks.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

Electrical_Sun_7116 wrote:

Lmao tell her to eat crap. She was lining up to cheat on you and if you stay friends and break up all friendly-nice she’s literally being rewarded for working her way to fucking this guy under your nose. Don’t be that person.

Give her the box of stuff and tell her to tell that guy you said thanks for doing you the huge favor of showing you who she really is because you could have wasted years on a worthless two-faced cunt but thankfully he saved you- and you never want to see her stupid fat lying face again. Do the Lord’s work. Slam the door shut and let her feel the depth of her shady behavior.

Stepbk wrote:

Good call on the no contact thing, that "staying friends" crap never works right away. Hit the gym, delete her number after the final meetup, and don't check her socials. You'll think about her for a while but it gets easier. Tell your family when you're ready, no rush. You got this.

noreplyatall817 wrote:

Your best move is to just drop her stuff off at her or her parents place you don’t need to meet up she made her choices. The let’s be friends is all crap to make her feel good. She’s been cheating on you and is gaslighting you into believing it’s not her doing this or she’d have never done any of it in the first place.

You know her and know if she didn’t want to do something she selfish enough not to care about family pressure. Tell all your and her friends what she did, don’t let her get away with her deception.

redlight0516 wrote:

Don't stay friends. Much harder for a clean break and makes it more difficult to process your feelings in a healthy way and move on.

You have to just live your life and slowly adjust it to the new normal of her not being part of it. There's really no other way to go about it. Let yourself feel what you feel. You will grieve the relationship and you need to do that. It's not linear but it will get easier eventually.