'My GF is talking to the guy she had a fling with while we were on a break. What do I do?'

"My girlfriend (20F) is talking to the guy she had a fling with (21M) whilst being in a relationship with me (21M), what is my best course of action?"

I (21M) and my girlfriend (20F) were in a relationship for six months. She began talking to other guys at her university 'platonically' (I go to a different university) but I became a bit wary when she began to hide things from me.

For example, she would lie to me about where she was if she was with them, she would be constantly texting and calling them everyday for hours (individually), spending less time with me and hanging out with them, refusing to tell them she was in a relationship because she 'didn't want to be like that' and would entertain their very obvious flirting.

This began to bother me to the point where I'd have nervous breakdowns, nightmares and panic attacks (I even cried in front of her at one point) and when I continued to call her up on it, she broke up with me because I was irritating her.

I then tried pulling away but she would continue to act like we were together (holding hands, kissing on the cheek, flirting and making intimate remarks) but publicly advertise that she was single, meanwhile entertaining her guy friends' advances. Eventually, we got into a huge argument over this and stopped talking completely for around a month.

During the time we weren't speaking, she had a fling with one of her guy friends (21M), we'll call him 'E'. Her and E were always together since they went to the same university; ironically, E was the main guy I was worried about since it was so very clear that he wanted her.

For example, E would compliment her body and eyes whilst her and I were still in a relationship, to which no action was taken by her to shut it down.This fling lasted around two weeks, after which they became 'friends' and she finally set boundaries, which he would cross every time.

During the two weeks and even afterwards, my girlfriend (then ex) would call me a few times a week on No Caller ID just to speak to me and 'hear my voice'. She then admitted to me that she never truly saw anything real with E, and the fling only made her realise that she wanted to be with me (we were looking to get married before this whole situation happened).

I was skeptical and hesitant to trust her for a while, but somehow eventually she got through to me and I began talking to her regularly. At this point, she was still friends with E since they had such a close bond, but had established firm boundaries with him because she wanted to be with me. One of the main reasons why she continued to be friends with E is because they were both part of the same friendship group.

Nevertheless, I still felt a lot of paranoia. After some work, I convinced my girlfriend (then ex / friend) to cut him off and block him on everything if she wanted to be with me, which she abided by. From that point on, she became my girlfriend again.

It was very clear to me that she had changed over the time we were apart. She no longer hid things from me or lied to me, she would see E all the time around campus and never interact with him (this went on for around a month), she cut off a lot of her guy 'friends' and became the partner I had always wanted, which brings me to today:

Both her and E play badminton for their university. The whole team had a fixture against another university, which they had to travel three hours there and three hours back for. She had told me E was going, so naturally I asked if anything happened on the trip.

After some prodding, she revealed to me that they had in fact been catching up the entire trip, and when everybody else was asleep, they were up talking. After a while, she admitted that he added her on a messaging app and she added him back. I would have a problem with this if it wasn't for her telling me that he is in a relationship and everything between her and E was completely platonic.

I tried telling her how I feel about the situation; after what happened in the past, I'd suffered from anxiety about her and E, and personally I don't understand how you can be friends with someone you used to be attracted to.

In response, she told me to 'stay out of her business' and that she doesn't have to inform me about everything she does, as well as that she's tired of explaining her and E's relationship to me (I barely ask about it anymore), claiming that she sees nothing wrong with it and debated if we should be together if I can't trust her (which I do).

This led me to question whether I'm overthinking the whole situation or if my worries are valid. I think the root of the issue is that I don't want history to repeat itself, and I'm scared of feeling the same way I did when the previous situation occurred, but if I truly trust and believe that she's changed and wouldn't do anything unfaithful, surely I should be okay with it?

Another thing I'm struggling to understand is why she would put their friendship over how I'm feeling. Personally, if my partner was insecure about somebody I was talking to, I like to think I would cut them off in an instant to make my partner feel better.

I feel like it's more of a respect thing to avoid talking to somebody you had a fling with as well? I don't understand what she's looking to gain from that friendship if it's making the person she's in a relationship with feel hurt and undermined.

I've developed enough self respect over the time we weren't talking to leave the relationship if the situation requires it, but I thought I'd ask reddit first: what is my best course of action? I don't want to break up with her but I also don't want to feel paranoid and let history repeat itself.

TL;DR: dated girl (20F) for 6 months, broke up because she was talking to other guys, whilst broken up she had a fling with one of these guys (21M), now back with her and she's talking to him again. What is the best course of action?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

LincolnHawkHauling wrote:

You were doing so well in the first half 😔 What happened? Become the guy in the first half again. Stand up for yourself and dump her for good this time.

She’s never going to change for good. She will only do what she has to lure you back before resorting to who she really is again. She prioritizes E over her relationship with you. That’s all you need to know. College is one of the best times of your life!! Find a new girlfriend who goes to the same school as you!!

OP responded:

I see where you’re coming from but I really thought this girl was the one. We’ve spent so much time together, I don’t know how I’d find somebody else and have the same level of connection.

Electrical_Sun_7116 wrote:

Dude. Break up. You’re reliving the first time all over again and she’s so selfish and full of it she will gaslight you right back into getting played and cheated on. With the same dude. Again.

Why the hell are you letting her disrespect you like this?? Walk and never look back. Also thank this guy next time you see him- he did you a huge favor in showing you who she really is and fwiw she sucks man. She’s his problem now and that’s a great thing for you even if it feels crappy rn.

OP responded:

I’d 100% agree, but the caveat is that E has a girlfriend now. If that wasn't the case then i’d be out of there straight away, but I know this guy and I know he’d be faithful, so I’m not sure if I should really view him as a threat to my relationship.

Also I believe that she wouldn't entertain any of her friends flirting with her, I’ve been through her phone and seen all her conversations with her friends and nothing seems awry, which leads me to believe that I should trust her despite what’s happened in the past.

BarnCat2468 wrote:

They had a physical relationship. Full stop. It isn’t a trust thing, it is a comfort thing. It wasn’t cheating since you were broken up, but it is still there. If you two are far enough and close enough that you were talking about marriage, then she should prioritize your well being and cut him off on messaging apps.

It is one thing to say hello during badminton. Cant really avoid that during school events. but late night chats? Talking over messages? You have every right to be uncomfortable with that.

OP responded:

100% agreed. However, she no longer has late night chats with any of her other guy friends and barely texts them so I doubt that’ll happen with E, especially considering he has a girlfriend now. If that did begin to occur, I trust that she would recognise it as flirting and cut it off.

plus-trick9849 wrote:

Your title has a mid-spelling. It should say ex girlfriend.